WANTED: Ass Kicking, No Holds Barred Copywriters To Tear This Apart!

maximus242 · 12-07-2008, 10:21 PM

Info:

Market: Dating Advice
Age: 18-25
Sex: Male
Income: 10,000 - 50,000
Countries: US, Canada, EU, Australia

Description of prospect: People who have already read or purchased some products on picking up chicks but haven't experienced a lot of success with it. Particularly those who are having trouble implementing and using the material they have purchased.

Product being sold: A 5 set audio program that uses psychology and hypnosis to eliminate worries, anxieties and fears around meeting women. Then it builds up confidence, removes limiting beliefs and actually makes the user more attractive to the opposite sex.

This occurs through changes in body language which occur through visualization and the increased confidence the user experiences.

Alright here she is, rip it apart: End Your Approach Anxiety

travlinguy · 12-08-2008, 05:49 AM

I didn't get past you headline because it's not clear what I was reading about. You talk about 'approach anxiety' and hint that it's something men are trying to overcome. Okay. Men have anxiety over a lot of things they're approaching. Is it middle age, a job promotion, health issues that come with aging...? Who knows? Certainly not your reader.

You do manage to mention that it's about approaching women toward the end of your first sub-header, but that's not good enough. You need to get straight to the point in your headline by grabbing your prospect by the throat and shaking him.

We often become so caught up in what we're promoting that we naturally assume everyone on the planet is aware of certain phrases and keywords associated with it. Big mistake. The body of your copy might be outstanding but most people won't ever know it because the headline is weak. Actually, it's more than weak...

John_S · 12-08-2008, 06:11 AM

Why does no one ever take some students, do a video and show how well their fantastic system works? Why isn't there a picture of you with women?

I agree with the above. However, fixing it merely puts you into competition with 15,000 others selling something similar.

You point out the focus is people who have tried and failed with a similar product. Yet you don't acknowledge that failure. You don't provide extra special proof and credibility required to sell to people who've failed.

If it were weight loss, you'd explain why the average person has tried 4.3 diets before hitting on one that works. Then you say it is because there are five types of body chemistry. And, without your system, you have a separate diet for each and a way to determine which body chemistry you are.

Your chosen target is going to be super skeptical. You have to give your background and why anyone should listen to you about dating. You have to show the system in action and working for someone else.

Right now you haven't enough proof for a regular pitch to someone buying their first course. Next the 10,000 - 50,000 is a fictional income number you included to cover just about everybody. The range cuts across about three different demographics. You'll have to do better understanding your customer and targeting a specific demographic.

maximus242 · 12-08-2008, 10:41 AM

Wow, thats great advice guys, thank you very much.

My original targeting was towards college students, in certain areas of study that have a lot more guys having difficulty meeting women (such as computer science, mathematics, etc.) not saying all guys in those areas of study have this problem but it gives a much better chance of success.

Im going to start researching like crazy, come up with some new headlines and start digging up mountains of proof. Im working on testimonials, I have SOME but they really short and dont give much of a description.

Thanks!

*UPDATE*

Here are a few headlines I was working on. Still rough, thoughts?

“Give Me 7 Minutes and I’ll Eliminate Your Anxiety Approaching Women for Good, Causing You To Experience Breakthrough Success With Women”

“Experience Breakthrough Success With Women RIGHT NOW”

"Heres How To Get THREE TIMES The Dates You Are Now, In Half The Time... With Hotter Women Than Your Dating Now!"

Then go into how by eliminating your approach anxiety, you will talk to more women, talk to hotter women and get more phone numbers and go on more dates.

Do you think I need to change the angle of the copy?

OnlineMasterMind · 12-08-2008, 06:18 PM

just saw the headline - needs work - people don't want to "get over any anxiety" - that sounds like work - sell the benefits; the solution - what is the biggest benefit of your product - that should be the headline

absolutelee · 12-08-2008, 07:07 PM

I agree about the headline. It has to be completely clear in and of itself. What is "approach anxiety"? How about something like..."Seduce any woman you meet in fifteen minutes and make her your love slave!" A little over the top, but at least it says what you're trying to say.

gcjmarkets · 12-08-2008, 10:16 PM

Your Headline does need some work and the sub headline as well here is something you may want to try

"Discover a little known secret for picking up women that instantly eliminates your approach anxiety, boosts confidence, and kills nerousness; allowing you to experience the kind of results you have only dreamed about"!

As said before you are climbing an up hill battle where others have sold the same product that didn't work so you have to overcome their natural belief that your product is the same as everything else on the market

Good luck

Michelle Green · 12-08-2008, 10:26 PM

The headline does seem a little bland. I recommend you take the first part of your sub headline and use that as your headline as follows...

The secret almost no one knows about that instantly eliminates your approach anxiety, boosts your confidence and kills nervousness Allowing you to experience breakthrough success with women and finally get the girl you have always wanted!

John Willer · 12-09-2008, 02:23 PM

It's a tough market now.

I would look for some more proof when compared to the competition.

DYD's ebook would be more tempting (better offer)

Topgunb · 12-10-2008, 07:14 AM

Your headline sucks big time. I find it so boring to read boy. It is hard to stay on that page.

Who are your target audience, the English college professor or the man in the street, it is really unclear.

I suggest a bit of research to find out what real people are reading.

Sorry

Really sorry - convert if 1% that would be massive

ndcole78 · 12-11-2008, 02:06 PM

Not trying to hurt your feelings, but you need to rewrite the entire sales letter. Your headline and sub headline will have readers running for the hills--it's not strong or enticing enough. Stop using periods in your sub headlines.

Also, stop using big words or words that may make people need to pick up a dictionary to know what certain words mean. Use simple words and just say what you mean. For example, one phrase says, "It perplexed me. Consciously"

Now, I know what that means, but believe me a lot of your target audience may have trouble figuring out what perplexed and consciously means. You don't want to offend your readers or intimidate them with big words. Keep it simple man.

I suggest that you rewrite the copy or hire a good copywriter to do it for you.

12-07-2008, 10:21 PM	#1
maximus242 HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: , , . Posts: 396 Thanks: 4 Thanked 119 Times in 82 Posts	WANTED: Ass Kicking, No Holds Barred Copywriters To Tear This Apart! Info: Market: Dating Advice Age: 18-25 Sex: Male Income: 10,000 - 50,000 Countries: US, Canada, EU, Australia Description of prospect: People who have already read or purchased some products on picking up chicks but haven't experienced a lot of success with it. Particularly those who are having trouble implementing and using the material they have purchased. Product being sold: A 5 set audio program that uses psychology and hypnosis to eliminate worries, anxieties and fears around meeting women. Then it builds up confidence, removes limiting beliefs and actually makes the user more attractive to the opposite sex. This occurs through changes in body language which occur through visualization and the increased confidence the user experiences. Alright here she is, rip it apart: End Your Approach Anxiety

12-08-2008, 05:49 AM	#2
travlinguy Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Northern Hemisphere, for now. Posts: 2,443 Thanks: 981 Thanked 1,234 Times in 738 Posts Contact Info	Re: WANTED: Ass Kicking, No Holds Barred Copywriters To Tear This Apart! I didn't get past you headline because it's not clear what I was reading about. You talk about 'approach anxiety' and hint that it's something men are trying to overcome. Okay. Men have anxiety over a lot of things they're approaching. Is it middle age, a job promotion, health issues that come with aging...? Who knows? Certainly not your reader. You do manage to mention that it's about approaching women toward the end of your first sub-header, but that's not good enough. You need to get straight to the point in your headline by grabbing your prospect by the throat and shaking him. We often become so caught up in what we're promoting that we naturally assume everyone on the planet is aware of certain phrases and keywords associated with it. Big mistake. The body of your copy might be outstanding but most people won't ever know it because the headline is weak. Actually, it's more than weak...
	How To Launch A Successful WSO \| WSO Of The Day \| Screamin' Deal On PLR MRR Graphics

12-08-2008, 06:11 AM	#3
John_S Advanced Warrior Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: , , . Posts: 858 Thanks: 22 Thanked 384 Times in 231 Posts	Re: WANTED: Ass Kicking, No Holds Barred Copywriters To Tear This Apart! Why does no one ever take some students, do a video and show how well their fantastic system works? Why isn't there a picture of you with women? I agree with the above. However, fixing it merely puts you into competition with 15,000 others selling something similar. You point out the focus is people who have tried and failed with a similar product. Yet you don't acknowledge that failure. You don't provide extra special proof and credibility required to sell to people who've failed. If it were weight loss, you'd explain why the average person has tried 4.3 diets before hitting on one that works. Then you say it is because there are five types of body chemistry. And, without your system, you have a separate diet for each and a way to determine which body chemistry you are. Your chosen target is going to be super skeptical. You have to give your background and why anyone should listen to you about dating. You have to show the system in action and working for someone else. Right now you haven't enough proof for a regular pitch to someone buying their first course. Next the 10,000 - 50,000 is a fictional income number you included to cover just about everybody. The range cuts across about three different demographics. You'll have to do better understanding your customer and targeting a specific demographic.

12-08-2008, 10:41 AM	#4
maximus242 HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: , , . Posts: 396 Thanks: 4 Thanked 119 Times in 82 Posts	Re: WANTED: Ass Kicking, No Holds Barred Copywriters To Tear This Apart! Wow, thats great advice guys, thank you very much. My original targeting was towards college students, in certain areas of study that have a lot more guys having difficulty meeting women (such as computer science, mathematics, etc.) not saying all guys in those areas of study have this problem but it gives a much better chance of success. Im going to start researching like crazy, come up with some new headlines and start digging up mountains of proof. Im working on testimonials, I have SOME but they really short and dont give much of a description. Thanks! UPDATE Here are a few headlines I was working on. Still rough, thoughts? “Give Me 7 Minutes and I’ll Eliminate Your Anxiety Approaching Women for Good, Causing You To Experience Breakthrough Success With Women” “Experience Breakthrough Success With Women RIGHT NOW” "Heres How To Get THREE TIMES The Dates You Are Now, In Half The Time... With Hotter Women Than Your Dating Now!" Then go into how by eliminating your approach anxiety, you will talk to more women, talk to hotter women and get more phone numbers and go on more dates. Do you think I need to change the angle of the copy?

12-08-2008, 06:18 PM	#5
OnlineMasterMind Advanced Warrior War Room Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 530 Thanks: 62 Thanked 52 Times in 30 Posts	Re: WANTED: Ass Kicking, No Holds Barred Copywriters To Tear This Apart! just saw the headline - needs work - people don't want to "get over any anxiety" - that sounds like work - sell the benefits; the solution - what is the biggest benefit of your product - that should be the headline

12-08-2008, 07:07 PM	#6
absolutelee Lee Cole War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Atlanta Posts: 591 Thanks: 24 Thanked 168 Times in 132 Posts Social Networking	Re: WANTED: Ass Kicking, No Holds Barred Copywriters To Tear This Apart! I agree about the headline. It has to be completely clear in and of itself. What is "approach anxiety"? How about something like..."Seduce any woman you meet in fifteen minutes and make her your love slave!" A little over the top, but at least it says what you're trying to say.

12-08-2008, 10:16 PM	#7
gcjmarkets HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: , , USA. Posts: 130 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 4 Thanked 21 Times in 17 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: WANTED: Ass Kicking, No Holds Barred Copywriters To Tear This Apart! Your Headline does need some work and the sub headline as well here is something you may want to try "Discover a little known secret for picking up women that instantly eliminates your approach anxiety, boosts confidence, and kills nerousness; allowing you to experience the kind of results you have only dreamed about"! As said before you are climbing an up hill battle where others have sold the same product that didn't work so you have to overcome their natural belief that your product is the same as everything else on the market Good luck
	The 7 Secrets To Websites That Sell Free Download! Get My Offline Marketing Playbook membership for free as a Beta Tester

12-08-2008, 10:26 PM	#8
Michelle Green Michelle Green War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Arlington, TX Posts: 97 Thanks: 9 Thanked 21 Times in 15 Posts Social Networking	Re: WANTED: Ass Kicking, No Holds Barred Copywriters To Tear This Apart! The headline does seem a little bland. I recommend you take the first part of your sub headline and use that as your headline as follows... The secret almost no one knows about that instantly eliminates your approach anxiety, boosts your confidence and kills nervousness Allowing you to experience breakthrough success with women and finally get the girl you have always wanted!
	Killer Software With Resell Rights!

12-09-2008, 02:23 PM	#9
John Willer Active Warrior Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 65 Thanks: 1 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: WANTED: Ass Kicking, No Holds Barred Copywriters To Tear This Apart! It's a tough market now. I would look for some more proof when compared to the competition. DYD's ebook would be more tempting (better offer)

12-10-2008, 07:14 AM	#10
Topgunb HyperActive Warrior Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 245 Thanks: 6 Thanked 27 Times in 24 Posts Social Networking	Re: WANTED: Ass Kicking, No Holds Barred Copywriters To Tear This Apart! Your headline sucks big time. I find it so boring to read boy. It is hard to stay on that page. Who are your target audience, the English college professor or the man in the street, it is really unclear. I suggest a bit of research to find out what real people are reading. Sorry Really sorry - convert if 1% that would be massive
	swdcomputers@gmail.com For the best real deal in town!

12-11-2008, 02:06 PM	#11
ndcole78 Advanced Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: , , USA. Posts: 608 Thanks: 1 Thanked 72 Times in 14 Posts	Re: WANTED: Ass Kicking, No Holds Barred Copywriters To Tear This Apart! Not trying to hurt your feelings, but you need to rewrite the entire sales letter. Your headline and sub headline will have readers running for the hills--it's not strong or enticing enough. Stop using periods in your sub headlines. Also, stop using big words or words that may make people need to pick up a dictionary to know what certain words mean. Use simple words and just say what you mean. For example, one phrase says, "It perplexed me. Consciously" Now, I know what that means, but believe me a lot of your target audience may have trouble figuring out what perplexed and consciously means. You don't want to offend your readers or intimidate them with big words. Keep it simple man. I suggest that you rewrite the copy or hire a good copywriter to do it for you.