Please Critique This Affiliate Recruitment Letter

[youngmoney23]

Hey Guys,

What do you think of the copy below as an affiliate recruitment letter.

If you where an affiliate would that letter convince you to start promoting my product.

Please let me know.

Thanks,

John,

“Stop Wasting Time Trying To Compete With The Big Dogs In Saturated Niches And Start Making Easy Cash Online Promoting A Product That Converts Cold Traffic At An INSANE 2.5%”

Hey fellow online marketer,

Are you tired of “fighting for your life” in saturated niches like fat loss, dating or make money online?

Are you ready to stop working hard to set up a campaign for “one hit wonders” like facebook games only to have it all be for nothing 1 month later when the game is no longer popular and sales completely dry up?

If you answered yes to any of the questions above then all that is about to change because....

Right here,

Right now,

You can finally stop all this by joining me in the niche that has allowed me to make a full time income online at the age of 18.

Introducing...The Double Your Scoring Average System

You probably already know that basketball is one of the most popular sports in the world.

What you probably don’t know is that every day thousands of basketball players visit the internet looking for ways to improve their basketball skills.

If you’ve ever played any sport then you know that the one thing every athlete (especially basketball players) wants is to be able to score more points.

This desire shared by millions of players around the world is your express ticket to HUGE clickbank checks.

What I’ve done is created a super high quality basketball system that teaches basketball players how to quickly score more points on the court.

After weeks of split testing we now have a sales letter that currently converts cold traffic at 2.5% and we’re still split testing to make sure that conversions keep going up...

But as of right now...

100 Visitors = $100

The Double Your Scoring Average System is sold at $57 and you get a MASSIVE 75% commission on every sale that you bring in.

With the sales letter converting at 2.5% that means for every 100 visitors that you send to the sales letter you’ll make over $100.

But that’s only the beginning....

March Affiliate Giveaway

You’ll be making tons of cash promoting the Double Your Scoring Average system on its own but I LOVE my affiliates so every month I’ll be giving away bonus cash prizes just to show you how much I appreciate having you on my team.

This month I’m giving away $100 for every 5 sales that you bring in as an affiliate.

Your bonus cash prize will be paid to you within 24 hours through paypal.

Awesome huh?

But there’s more....

Personal Coaching For Newbies Or Anyone Else Who Wants It

I am not one of these vendors who discriminates against newbies; I’ve been there and it can be very hard if you don’t have any proper guidance.

That’s why I’m offering personal coaching through skype to all my affiliates who need it.

If you’re just getting started in affiliate marketing and you need some help getting started with your promotion of this product then just let me know and we’ll set up a time to chat on skype and I’ll help you get going in the right direction.

So,

Ready To Get Started?...Here’s What You Need To Do Next

Head over to our affiliate center, grab your affiliate tools, sign up to be notified for your bonus and start promoting; it’s really that easy.

And don’t hesitate to email me at (EMAIL) if you need anything at all.

Click Here To Access Our Affiliate Center And Join Our Team

PS: I have hired an affiliate recruitement company to contact potential affiliates for this product. That means that you need to jump on this now before hundreds of affiliates are promoting this product and things get very competitive.

[youngmoney23]

any tips guys?

[TheCopyGirl]

Fairly well done, I would think. I don't know if 2.5% is considered insane by the market standard, so perhaps an equally compelling but more accurate adjective...?

I am not sure that the PS works for me at all. Big promises, newbie-friendly, and closing with a threat? Aww.

I wonder if you are going to display this letter just after someone has bought your product. Such a person may not be a 'fellow online marketeer', so you may want to address them differently (not just in the greeting, but in the letter too). You start with the assumption that the reader is familiar with the business of affiliate marketing, which is fine if you're certain that the page will be largely visited by marketeers. But if this is not the case, start with a more general introduction, more along the lines of:

Do you know you can recover your investment by simply recommending this product to your friends? We have a crazy resell program that we believe you will find very interesting, so just read on to grab the details!

(Oh well, not that exact text, obviously, but you get the idea.)

Also, I am not sure if you have the math right, because if 100 visitors earn you $100, then it earns your affiliates just over $75. You might want to fix this.

Those are my quick reactions, I'll try to go over it in more detail at some point Nevertheless, hope this helps!

[youngmoney23]

Originally Posted by TheCopyGirl

Fairly well done, I would think. I don't know if 2.5% is considered insane by the market standard, so perhaps an equally compelling but more accurate adjective...?

I am not sure that the PS works for me at all. Big promises, newbie-friendly, and closing with a threat? Aww.

I wonder if you are going to display this letter just after someone has bought your product. Such a person may not be a 'fellow online marketeer', so you may want to address them differently (not just in the greeting, but in the letter too). You start with the assumption that the reader is familiar with the business of affiliate marketing, which is fine if you're certain that the page will be largely visited by marketeers. But if this is not the case, start with a more general introduction, more along the lines of:

Do you know you can recover your investment by simply recommending this product to your friends? We have a crazy resell program that we believe you will find very interesting, so just read on to grab the details!

(Oh well, not that exact text, obviously, but you get the idea.)

Also, I am not sure if you have the math right, because if 100 visitors earn you $100, then it earns your affiliates just over $75. You might want to fix this.

Those are my quick reactions, I'll try to go over it in more detail at some point Nevertheless, hope this helps!

Thanks a lot for your thoughts copygirl.

Here are some clarifications on some of your points:

Yes this letter will be seen by only marketers, it will be my affiliate link thats visible in my product description in the clickbank marketplace.

This will not be seen by my customers, I personally dont like the idea of turning customers into affiliates at all.

I added that PS because not only is it true but I felt I had no element of scarcity in my letter so I used that PS to add that.

From what I know 2.5% conversions on a cold traffic is pretty exceptional in any market.

Also, the product costs $57 , affiliates get 75% commission and the letter converts at 2.5% so thats just under $107 for every 100 visitors someone sends to the page.

Thanks,

John,

[youngmoney23]

Any more thoughts would be greatly appreciated guys...

[Paul Hooper-Kelly]

Hi youngmoney 23,

It's a good effort. Well done.

And you did well to start off with that salutation and I expect you'll be signing the letter. Always use blue ink to sign, as it's been tested and found to work best.

You might try a headline with more of an element of intrigue. The sole purpose of the headline is to get folks to read the letter - no more. Your current headline lays out enough of your proposition that there's a danger of the reader thinking they have the full story (wrong!) and so click away before you've had a chance to expand on your headline.

Something like this, maybe ...

If You Could Make A Dollar For Every Visitor
You Send From This Untapped Niche ...
How Many Visitors Would You Send?

I normally write upwards of 30 headlines on a paid project, so that's just a quickie. Try playing around with other headlines, on the same vein. Then sleep in it and then pick the best four to split test.

You are right about introducing scarcity. But you need to introduce it in the body of the letter and then refer back to it in the post script, rather than introduce it like it was an afterthought. The best way to do that is to give an exact figure for the number of affiliates. Then you can reinforce the scarcity in your post script by reminding the prospect there are only X number of slots before the program is closed down.

That's a start. I'm sure others will have their own comments.

Warmest regards,


Paul

[TheCopyGirl]

John,

Thanks so much for taking the time to clarify! My (mostly inconsequential) remarks follow...

Originally Posted by youngmoney23

Yes this letter will be seen by only marketers, it will be my affiliate link thats visible in my product description in the clickbank marketplace.

This will not be seen by my customers, I personally dont like the idea of turning customers into affiliates at all.

Ah, okay - so that does take care of one of my concerns. In this case you probably don't need a more explanatory introduction. I do agree with Paul that you can experiment with the headline a bit more. Just rewording your headline a bit (without admittedly spending too much time on it, sorry ):

Sick of competing in saturated niches that have no room for you,
and on the lookout one that's spanking new, completely untapped, and insanely profitable?
I got one for you - tune in while it is still that way!

Not sure at all if I have the words/colors optimized here, but you get the drift... if the scarcity is genuine, impose the realization of it subtly from the word go. (Just my opinion!) And sound like it's a huge opportunity that they just can't afford to let go of, because tapping in early into what will become competitive in the near future will get them on top of the competition-to-come. (If you don't emphasize this explicitly, dim-wits like me will think - oh, he says it's going to be competitive soon. So it'll be the same as the ones I am struggling with. Why should I bother trying?)

Just make it sound like this is the right time and the right place for something big, and that should have people hooked - and a gentle explicit scarcity reminder that's not too in-your-face in the PS/PPS will make perfect sense to me.

Originally Posted by youngmoney23

I added that PS because not only is it true but I felt I had no element of scarcity in my letter so I used that PS to add that.

Just what I said above, if the letter is missing scarcity, sprinkle the scarcity element a bit in the letter, otherwise comes off a bit abrupt/unnatural in the end.

Originally Posted by youngmoney23

From what I know 2.5% conversions on a cold traffic is pretty exceptional in any market.

Cool. I wouldn't really know, so was just checking Excuse the ignorance!

Originally Posted by youngmoney23

Also, the product costs $57 , affiliates get 75% commission and the letter converts at 2.5% so thats just under $107 for every 100 visitors someone sends to the page.

Heh, okay, so apparently my bad again here.


You appear to be on the right track - I wish you all the luck! Do come back and tell us how it went, too


Cheers,
Avani

[Hugh Thyer]

It looks reasonably good.

Here's my take on it.

1. Are the affiliates you're looking to recruit looking to a product like yours to replace the other programs they're involved in, or to add to it? If they're adding to their program, perhaps you don't want to pitch it as a replacement to the other programs.

2. Your headline is very long and doesn't get to the point quickly enough.

3. Make it clear early on why people would want to join your program. And make it very clear. They seem to be the opportunity to earn high money, great conversion rates, very in demand, low competition, newbie coaching and so on. Affiliate marketers get all sorts of emails every day, so you have to make it very clear very quickly why your program stands out. I like Paul's idea of $1 for every lead.

4. Your PS is counter productive. It suggests that the market is going to get very competitive very soon, so they won't be able to earn big $ shortly. I wouldnt want to invest in a market that's about to go belly-up, would you?

[youngmoney23]

Originally Posted by Paul Hooper-Kelly

Hi youngmoney 23,

It's a good effort. Well done.

And you did well to start off with that salutation and I expect you'll be signing the letter. Always use blue ink to sign, as it's been tested and found to work best.

You might try a headline with more of an element of intrigue. The sole purpose of the headline is to get folks to read the letter - no more. Your current headline lays out enough of your proposition that there's a danger of the reader thinking they have the full story (wrong!) and so click away before you've had a chance to expand on your headline.

Something like this, maybe ...

If You Could Make A Dollar For Every Visitor
You Send From This Untapped Niche ...
How Many Visitors Would You Send?

I normally write upwards of 30 headlines on a paid project, so that's just a quickie. Try playing around with other headlines, on the same vein. Then sleep in it and then pick the best four to split test.

You are right about introducing scarcity. But you need to introduce it in the body of the letter and then refer back to it in the post script, rather than introduce it like it was an afterthought. The best way to do that is to give an exact figure for the number of affiliates. Then you can reinforce the scarcity in your post script by reminding the prospect there are only X number of slots before the program is closed down.

That's a start. I'm sure others will have their own comments.

Warmest regards,


Paul

WOW.

Thanks for the great tips Paul.

Your thoughts on the headline made perfect sense.

I'll keep everything you said in mind when I edit the letter.

Thanks,

John,

[youngmoney23]

Originally Posted by TheCopyGirl

John,

Thanks so much for taking the time to clarify! My (mostly inconsequential) remarks follow...



Ah, okay - so that does take care of one of my concerns. In this case you probably don't need a more explanatory introduction. I do agree with Paul that you can experiment with the headline a bit more. Just rewording your headline a bit (without admittedly spending too much time on it, sorry ):

Sick of competing in saturated niches that have no room for you,
and on the lookout one that's spanking new, completely untapped, and insanely profitable?
I got one for you - tune in while it is still that way!

Not sure at all if I have the words/colors optimized here, but you get the drift... if the scarcity is genuine, impose the realization of it subtly from the word go. (Just my opinion!) And sound like it's a huge opportunity that they just can't afford to let go of, because tapping in early into what will become competitive in the near future will get them on top of the competition-to-come. (If you don't emphasize this explicitly, dim-wits like me will think - oh, he says it's going to be competitive soon. So it'll be the same as the ones I am struggling with. Why should I bother trying?)

Just make it sound like this is the right time and the right place for something big, and that should have people hooked - and a gentle explicit scarcity reminder that's not too in-your-face in the PS/PPS will make perfect sense to me.



Just what I said above, if the letter is missing scarcity, sprinkle the scarcity element a bit in the letter, otherwise comes off a bit abrupt/unnatural in the end.



Cool. I wouldn't really know, so was just checking Excuse the ignorance!



Heh, okay, so apparently my bad again here.


You appear to be on the right track - I wish you all the luck! Do come back and tell us how it went, too


Cheers,
Avani

Thanks for the great tips Avani.

I'll keep everything you said in mind when I rewrite the letter.

Thanks.

John,

[youngmoney23]

Originally Posted by Hugh Thyer

It looks reasonably good.

Here's my take on it.

1. Are the affiliates you're looking to recruit looking to a product like yours to replace the other programs they're involved in, or to add to it? If they're adding to their program, perhaps you don't want to pitch it as a replacement to the other programs.

2. Your headline is very long and doesn't get to the point quickly enough.

3. Make it clear early on why people would want to join your program. And make it very clear. They seem to be the opportunity to earn high money, great conversion rates, very in demand, low competition, newbie coaching and so on. Affiliate marketers get all sorts of emails every day, so you have to make it very clear very quickly why your program stands out. I like Paul's idea of $1 for every lead.

4. Your PS is counter productive. It suggests that the market is going to get very competitive very soon, so they won't be able to earn big $ shortly. I wouldnt want to invest in a market that's about to go belly-up, would you?

Thanks for the advice Hugh.

Here are my thoughts on your points:

1. I'm pretty sure most good affiliates are in dozens of markets at once. Still, I dont see how showing the benefits of my niche compared to a niche they might be in could be negative at all.

2. I dont agree with this but I'll test it and let you know how it goes.

3. This is not an email. This will be the copy for my affiliate center when I put the product on clickbank.

Also, I think I do sell my benefits from the start in this letter but I'll keep what you said in mind when I rewrite it.

4. Great point that post script is a problem and it will be changed when I rewrite the letter.

Thanks again for the suggestions man.

John,

[youngmoney23]

more thoughts are very welcome guys.

[Daniel Harper]

How about a sizzling 2.5% conversion?

I think that carries more oomph than "insane".

Just me.

Also, I think your headline needs some serious editing.

[youngmoney23]

Originally Posted by Daniel Harper

How about a sizzling 2.5% conversion?

I think that carries more oomph than "insane".

Just me.

Also, I think your headline needs some serious editing.

Hey Daniel,

Can you give me more details on what you dont like about the headline?

Saying it needs editing doesnt really mean anything.

John,

[Daniel Harper]

Originally Posted by youngmoney23

Hey Daniel,

Can you give me more details on what you dont like about the headline?

Saying it needs editing doesnt really mean anything.

John,

I think it's too long.

I get tired just reading it. I suggest trying to find one big benefit and highlight it with a punchy sentence or two.

This Obscure Micro-Niche Is Earning Affiliates A Sizzling Dollar Per Click
Here's How You Can Exploit It...

[sr41056]

Clean up your headlines! Way too wordy.