sales copy please critique I want your opinion

[mike gregory]

Hey guys we have now got a good outline of our sales copy up and running for our new product release coming soon.

http://instantmoneytrends.com/

I would like to get opinions from fellow expert warriors just for a little feedback, its about 90% complete in our eyes, so all opinions welcome If you have a bit of time to spare really appreciate feedback from it.

Thanks

Mike

[Andrew Maclean]

I find it pretty good. Try to fix the errors and maybe add more "Buy" buttons, like one at the middle of the page.

[mike gregory]

Originally Posted by Andrew Maclean

I find it pretty good. Try to fix the errors and maybe add more "Buy" buttons, like one at the middle of the page.

Thanks Andrew,

Yes we are aware of the more call to action buttons needed and will be adding soon, thanks for checking it out

[mike gregory]

Anymore views guys?

[jtunkelo]

Well, apart from the fact that it's devilishly difficult to find out what it is you're selling besides results (which you can't do anyway), not sure where to begin. I'm sure there will be some takers, but I'm equally sure you'd have a lot more with a bit more transparency. Without any hint towards credibility (a story, a case study, a hint to the twist that made it work for you), it's treading dangerously close to 'too good to be true'. The testimonials look tremendeously made up, by the way. Not a lot to hang your hat on. Not even last names, pictures, specifics, anything. Sorry, but you did ask.

[nick1980]

Hi Mike,

At the moment, the sales copy isn't particularly easy to read. It doesn't flow at all, and as a result, I was constantly stopping to try to make sense of what I'd just read. This is where you'll lose a lot of potential buyers. Tidy up the copy, address the basic errors and you'll have a far better sales page on your hands. You can then start to think about adding things like order buttons, another postscript or two (always important) and making the headline clearer and more enticing. Get the basics right first, and then progress from there.

I hope that helps.

[Nick Brighton]

Hi Mike,

Obviously it's tough to do a "FULL" critique due to time/work etc, but I'll give you some tips for the all important headline/intro and overall hook etc:

1. The headline "every day and zero investment" should read "every day with zero investment"

2. "Money trends A system that is actually giving positive results" doesn't read right. Should be "money trends is a system that is giving people real results." I'd also tweak that to something like "money trends will get you real bankable cash, even if you're a total rookie with no money to invest."

3. Lots of awkwardness in the bullets too. They jar on the eyes and are very wordy, such as "in order to do what is required of the course."

4. Nasty subheads - terrible choice of fonts, letters squashed together... doesn't look right at all.

5. Lots of fluff, like "I promise this is going to be a shock to the senses." Get to the point, be clear.

4. Loads more grammatical errors throughout. Also, very "British" (I'm a Brit too, but you gotta write for the Americans, unless you're specifically targeting the UK.)

5. The whole story is kinda weak, and dated, and frankly, unbelievable. It's like you just "HAPPENED" to start making money, there's no transition or real turning point. That makes it unbelievable, especially as you suddenly start making crazy daily money out of nowhere.

6. You say it's not a push button money making system, then a few paragraphs later, you say how it takes an hour to set up and then BINGO, you're in the money. That's a big incongruence.

7. The actual substance comes too late (what the system involves, why it's different etc.) If it were me, I would put that much further up the letter, because people care more about themselves and the offer than they do about your current story.

8. The fake scarcity is unbelievable. Also, you don't justify why you're selling a $3k system for $67... and you don't give me any reason to believe it's worth $3k at all. Just saying it will make you money isn't enough to justify the investment these days.

Hope this gets you going back on the right track.

P.S - I hate to say it again, but you really need to hire an editor to go through your piece. It's full of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes.

And finally, your site doesn't look like it was made by a guy who's making hundreds of dollars per day. Just a heads up on that.

[mike gregory]

Originally Posted by jtunkelo

Well, apart from the fact that it's devilishly difficult to find out what it is you're selling besides results (which you can't do anyway), not sure where to begin. I'm sure there will be some takers, but I'm equally sure you'd have a lot more with a bit more transparency. Without any hint towards credibility (a story, a case study, a hint to the twist that made it work for you), it's treading dangerously close to 'too good to be true'. The testimonials look tremendeously made up, by the way. Not a lot to hang your hat on. Not even last names, pictures, specifics, anything. Sorry, but you did ask.

Thanks for you opinion like i say honest opinions is what i want.

Yes we do need to make changes and thanks for pointing a few out, regards the testimonials they where from those i got during the WSO and they are respected members, i'm approaching them to get permission to use there photo and contact info for the product.

Thanks

[mike gregory]

Originally Posted by Nick Brighton

Hi Mike,

Obviously it's tough to do a "FULL" critique due to time/work etc, but I'll give you some tips for the all important headline/intro and overall hook etc:

1. The headline "every day and zero investment" should read "every day with zero investment"

2. "Money trends A system that is actually giving positive results" doesn't read right. Should be "money trends is a system that is giving people real results." I'd also tweak that to something like "money trends will get you real bankable cash, even if you're a total rookie with no money to invest."

3. Lots of awkwardness in the bullets too. They jar on the eyes and are very wordy, such as "in order to do what is required of the course."

4. Nasty subheads - terrible choice of fonts, letters squashed together... doesn't look right at all.

5. Lots of fluff, like "I promise this is going to be a shock to the senses." Get to the point, be clear.

4. Loads more grammatical errors throughout. Also, very "British" (I'm a Brit too, but you gotta write for the Americans, unless you're specifically targeting the UK.)

5. The whole story is kinda weak, and dated, and frankly, unbelievable. It's like you just "HAPPENED" to start making money, there's no transition or real turning point. That makes it unbelievable, especially as you suddenly start making crazy daily money out of nowhere.

6. You say it's not a push button money making system, then a few paragraphs later, you say how it takes an hour to set up and then BINGO, you're in the money. That's a big incongruence.

7. The actual substance comes too late (what the system involves, why it's different etc.) If it were me, I would put that much further up the letter, because people care more about themselves and the offer than they do about your current story.

8. The fake scarcity is unbelievable. Also, you don't justify why you're selling a $3k system for $67... and you don't give me any reason to believe it's worth $3k at all. Just saying it will make you money isn't enough to justify the investment these days.

Hope this gets you going back on the right track.

P.S - I hate to say it again, but you really need to hire an editor to go through your piece. It's full of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes.

And finally, your site doesn't look like it was made by a guy who's making hundreds of dollars per day. Just a heads up on that.

This is golden info here and i thank you.

Yes we are getting the whole site's frame, layout etc looked over that was always the plan of attack.

Was generally looking for what you guys thought of the initial idea and feel of the site, you've given us loads to now go back and improve.

Again thanks.

[mike gregory]

The entire copy is accurate from the earnings to how i got started in marketing.

With that said i do see how it needs expanding into more "believable copy" shall we say.

Again thanks for the input here.

[Nick Brighton]

Originally Posted by mike gregory

This is golden info here and i thank you.

Yes we are getting the whole site's frame, layout etc looked over that was always the plan of attack.

Was generally looking for what you guys thought of the initial idea and feel of the site, you've given us loads to now go back and improve.

Again thanks.

Originally Posted by mike gregory

The entire copy is accurate from the earnings to how i got started in marketing.

With that said i do see how it needs expanding into more "believable copy" shall we say.

Again thanks for the input here.

You're welcome Mike. Let us know how it goes.