What do you think about this....

LudwigReithofer · 03-23-2011, 10:20 AM

What do you think about this Salesletter:

www.seduction.com/livetraining/speed-seduction-seminar-3day.php

wrcato2 · 03-23-2011, 10:37 AM

I don't like the headline. You should find a way to use it in your copy and make your headline shorter and more toward the course.

Break your copy up with only two or three "enroll Now". It's just two much.

Other wise it is pretty good.
Test & track.

travlinguy · 03-23-2011, 10:53 AM

You're absolutely going to lose most of your people with that epic headline. Why not go with something simple like:

With My Program, Even Geeks and Losers Get The Babe

That's just off the top of my head but simple is ofter better. You'd naturally want to qualify that statement immediately by following it with something like:

...and if you're just a regular guy, you'll score too. (or whatever)

Nobody will relate to being a geek or loser but the idea is to write it up to illustrate that anyone can do this. I didn't go any further than the headline. Good luck.

jonnyrhinestone · 03-23-2011, 11:43 AM

That headline is way too much. It's too long, most people won't read it.
Also, by putting your picture next to the copy of The Game, it looks like you're Neil Strauss.

MissLauraCatella · 03-23-2011, 05:29 PM

I didn't notice the "Come To A Live, 3-Day Speed Seduction..." part until I went back for a second glance. If that's what you're selling, either let me know that clearly or don't.

Completely agree with what others have said about the title. I'd say go bold and brash. Since HB9s and 10s are the goal to "Game" and all, and you're assuming your audience knows the types of things you're talking about, you could test sticking with the lingo and going with something like "You'll Bring Home 10 after 10." Top of my head. But, generally speaking, try a bunch of fun catchy lines and test 'em out.

Side note, I loved the book "The Game" and may or may not have met the author.

Oxbloom · 03-23-2011, 07:28 PM

I actually followed the link just to be the guy who said something constructive about something OTHER than the headline...but I just couldn't do it. I actually could NOT bring myself to scroll after that abortion.

You want your headline to seize your prospect's attention, and then you want it to all but force him to read the first sentence of copy.

There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING you can do to your headline that will cripple its ability to do this quite like causing your reader to actually stop reading, and say to himself, "Wait...what the #### is THAT about?"

I found myself doing that...swear to God...about a half dozen times in that one, rambling, run-on sentence.

Time one: "Pick Up"...didn't you just tell me the word RIGHT before that, that this was about seduction? Holy redundant redundancy, Batman.

Time two: "Six foot"...I can buy into skinny, ugly, etc. But how the heck does "six foot" fit into that equation? Is there some implied lack of appeal in being six feet tall that I haven't been told about? If a six-footer can pick up women...hell...ANYONE can! Yeah...I don't get it.

Time three: "Rapidly Aging." Okay. Not only does this make me think this guy's going to be totally out of the loop, but if he's both "legendary" AND "rapidly aging," doesn't that mean his "system" must have come about when he was considerably younger? Doesn't that, in turn, mean it has doodly squat to do with necessarily helping prospects who might themselves be "rapidly aging?" If he were going to help them, wouldn't it need to be with his "new" system? No matter what age or demographic I am, I feel alienated and confused. Is this for me...or for someone else entirely?

Time four: "From Marina Del Rey, California." What in the name of all that's holy does this guy's hometown have to do with anything? You're just preventing me from being interested in what follows by bogging me down with senseless trivia.

Time five: Without "games." Okay...but...NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SCHOOL OF "GAME"...AND AS PRESENTED BY THE GODFATHER OF THE GAME...AS SEEN IN "THE GAME." Holy crap. Total undermining of credibility before I get to word one of copy.

Time six: No matter what your looks. Yeah...that's all good and well, but didn't you pretty much already tell me that when you went out of your way to describe the guy using all your unflattering modifiers up above? I AM able to do really elementary thinking all by myself...even as a dimwitted prospect.

Listen, I'm not going to sit here and write headlines for you. But learning to self-edit can, all by itself, make your copy a hell of a lot stronger.

Here's YOUR headline. As is. In the same words. Except with all the redundant and nonsensical BS pared away.

"The Amazing Seduction System Of A Legendary, Skinny, Ugly Geek That WILL Get You The Women You Truly Desire...Guaranteed!"

I wouldn't call it a 10/10. But it's a hell of a lot better. And with some deck copy that keeps the train rollin', it might actually get me to sentence number one.

Alex Barboza · 03-23-2011, 08:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LudwigReithofer

What do you think about this Salesletter:

www.seduction.com/livetraining/speed-seduction-seminar-3day.php

Just curious: how much did you pay for the domain Seduction.com?

Great domain!

Vanfenix · 03-23-2011, 08:24 PM

Seduction is a term that is controversial.

You're better off selling the domain to a large adult shop for some serious coin. Then - cut me 10% and we'll call it even :P

But yes - clean up that headline.. Nice domain!

Sultan of Swipe · 03-23-2011, 08:44 PM

You NEED to tighten that headline...I am not seduced by your headline to read any further than it... and this is about seduction???

Oxbloom · 03-23-2011, 08:58 PM

I might also ditch the video with the fat kid. I know automatically that I don't want to associate with anything that guy is spokesman for. It ain't a pretty truth...but it's real.

I know it probably speaks to the "anyone can do it" vibe you're gunning for. But nobody wants to imagine themselves being in that guy's category, whatever category that may be.

Rigmonkey · 03-24-2011, 02:14 AM

A three-day seminar isn't only asking people to make a financial commitment; it's also asking them to sacrifice time and unfortunately, the entire pitch sucks up way too much time for me to commit to it entirely.

Obviously, people want proof that this method will be right for them but expecting them to sit through 6 videos on a single ad is asking for too much attention. I watched the first video, kind of enjoyed it then found myself with another to watch, survived about 45 seconds and gave up. I didn't even consider scrolling down to look at the other 4.

The headline needs to be abbreviated. If I have to read through it several times to get your point, I'm not going to be sitting in front of the page for long. I'm not a copywriter but I am a prospective buyer. I don't really want to be regarded as fat, skinny, ugly or anything else that might shatter my own self esteem. I understand the angle but it's highly likely to isolate me instead of making me feel included. Maybe something less discriminatory would work?

What about something along the lines of Proven seduction techniques that land perfect babes for less-than-perfect guys? Only an idea and as I've highlighted before, I'm not a copywriter myself. However, I'm not singling out characteristics that might shatter confidence when I'm actually looking for people to buy into what I'm selling. Just an idea and good luck with the venture.

davemiz · 03-24-2011, 08:58 AM

lol... headline is... well.... in the immortal words of clint eastwood... a clusterfcuk

rammonster · 03-24-2011, 10:27 AM

Quote:

"The Amazing Seduction System Of A Legendary, Skinny, Ugly Geek That WILL Get You The Women You Truly Desire...Guaranteed!"

Now this got me interested...not because i can relate or anything...it just makes me wanna find out what the hell this is all about, it makes me wanna stay there a bit longer and read the legendary geeks story...lol. Really good!

Cheers,
kunal

Rezbi · 03-24-2011, 12:19 PM

The only thing this thread has proved is that none of you guys are the market for this product.

Kevin Williams · 03-24-2011, 04:00 PM

I kind of like the headline. Take that as you will...

davemiz · 03-24-2011, 06:20 PM

google search his OLD sales letter.... that thing was really good.

03-23-2011, 10:20 AM	#1
LudwigReithofer Active Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 50 Thanks: 2 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts	What do you think about this.... What do you think about this Salesletter: www.seduction.com/livetraining/speed-seduction-seminar-3day.php
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03-23-2011, 10:37 AM	#2
wrcato2 2Ultra Marketiing War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Brumley, Missouri Posts: 101 Blog Entries: 29 Thanks: 11 Thanked 16 Times in 16 Posts Social Networking	Re: What do you think about this.... I don't like the headline. You should find a way to use it in your copy and make your headline shorter and more toward the course. Break your copy up with only two or three "enroll Now". It's just two much. Other wise it is pretty good. Test & track.
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03-23-2011, 10:53 AM	#3
travlinguy Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Northern Hemisphere, for now. Posts: 2,937 Thanks: 1,315 Thanked 1,634 Times in 955 Posts Contact Info	Re: What do you think about this.... You're absolutely going to lose most of your people with that epic headline. Why not go with something simple like: With My Program, Even Geeks and Losers Get The Babe That's just off the top of my head but simple is ofter better. You'd naturally want to qualify that statement immediately by following it with something like: ...and if you're just a regular guy, you'll score too. (or whatever) Nobody will relate to being a geek or loser but the idea is to write it up to illustrate that anyone can do this. I didn't go any further than the headline. Good luck.
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03-23-2011, 11:43 AM	#4
jonnyrhinestone jonnyrhinestone Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 15 Thanks: 0 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: What do you think about this.... That headline is way too much. It's too long, most people won't read it. Also, by putting your picture next to the copy of The Game, it looks like you're Neil Strauss.
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03-23-2011, 05:29 PM	#5
MissLauraCatella the copy poet War Room Member Join Date: May 2010 Location: New York, NY Posts: 267 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 174 Thanked 174 Times in 60 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: What do you think about this.... I didn't notice the "Come To A Live, 3-Day Speed Seduction..." part until I went back for a second glance. If that's what you're selling, either let me know that clearly or don't. Completely agree with what others have said about the title. I'd say go bold and brash. Since HB9s and 10s are the goal to "Game" and all, and you're assuming your audience knows the types of things you're talking about, you could test sticking with the lingo and going with something like "You'll Bring Home 10 after 10." Top of my head. But, generally speaking, try a bunch of fun catchy lines and test 'em out. Side note, I loved the book "The Game" and may or may not have met the author.
	6x WSO Of The Day Copywriter To The Stars Cuts Her Price 50% For You! Click here now. (2 left) Freebie LOVE for you: How Mind Control Is As Easy As Telling The Three Little Pigs (yes optin) ;)

03-23-2011, 07:28 PM	#6
Oxbloom J.W. Acre War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 440 Thanks: 74 Thanked 244 Times in 139 Posts	Re: What do you think about this.... I actually followed the link just to be the guy who said something constructive about something OTHER than the headline...but I just couldn't do it. I actually could NOT bring myself to scroll after that abortion. You want your headline to seize your prospect's attention, and then you want it to all but force him to read the first sentence of copy. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING you can do to your headline that will cripple its ability to do this quite like causing your reader to actually stop reading, and say to himself, "Wait...what the #### is THAT about?" I found myself doing that...swear to God...about a half dozen times in that one, rambling, run-on sentence. Time one: "Pick Up"...didn't you just tell me the word RIGHT before that, that this was about seduction? Holy redundant redundancy, Batman. Time two: "Six foot"...I can buy into skinny, ugly, etc. But how the heck does "six foot" fit into that equation? Is there some implied lack of appeal in being six feet tall that I haven't been told about? If a six-footer can pick up women...hell...ANYONE can! Yeah...I don't get it. Time three: "Rapidly Aging." Okay. Not only does this make me think this guy's going to be totally out of the loop, but if he's both "legendary" AND "rapidly aging," doesn't that mean his "system" must have come about when he was considerably younger? Doesn't that, in turn, mean it has doodly squat to do with necessarily helping prospects who might themselves be "rapidly aging?" If he were going to help them, wouldn't it need to be with his "new" system? No matter what age or demographic I am, I feel alienated and confused. Is this for me...or for someone else entirely? Time four: "From Marina Del Rey, California." What in the name of all that's holy does this guy's hometown have to do with anything? You're just preventing me from being interested in what follows by bogging me down with senseless trivia. Time five: Without "games." Okay...but...NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SCHOOL OF "GAME"...AND AS PRESENTED BY THE GODFATHER OF THE GAME...AS SEEN IN "THE GAME." Holy crap. Total undermining of credibility before I get to word one of copy. Time six: No matter what your looks. Yeah...that's all good and well, but didn't you pretty much already tell me that when you went out of your way to describe the guy using all your unflattering modifiers up above? I AM able to do really elementary thinking all by myself...even as a dimwitted prospect. Listen, I'm not going to sit here and write headlines for you. But learning to self-edit can, all by itself, make your copy a hell of a lot stronger. Here's YOUR headline. As is. In the same words. Except with all the redundant and nonsensical BS pared away. "The Amazing Seduction System Of A Legendary, Skinny, Ugly Geek That WILL Get You The Women You Truly Desire...Guaranteed!" I wouldn't call it a 10/10. But it's a hell of a lot better. And with some deck copy that keeps the train rollin', it might actually get me to sentence number one.

03-23-2011, 08:24 PM	#8
Vanfenix Need a Website?Contact Me Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 102 Thanks: 2 Thanked 15 Times in 11 Posts	Re: What do you think about this.... Seduction is a term that is controversial. You're better off selling the domain to a large adult shop for some serious coin. Then - cut me 10% and we'll call it even :P But yes - clean up that headline.. Nice domain!

03-23-2011, 08:44 PM	#9
Sultan of Swipe Warrior Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 3 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: What do you think about this.... You NEED to tighten that headline...I am not seduced by your headline to read any further than it... and this is about seduction???

03-23-2011, 08:58 PM	#10
Oxbloom J.W. Acre War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 440 Thanks: 74 Thanked 244 Times in 139 Posts	Re: What do you think about this.... I might also ditch the video with the fat kid. I know automatically that I don't want to associate with anything that guy is spokesman for. It ain't a pretty truth...but it's real. I know it probably speaks to the "anyone can do it" vibe you're gunning for. But nobody wants to imagine themselves being in that guy's category, whatever category that may be.

03-24-2011, 02:14 AM	#11
Rigmonkey Freelance Writer War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Bedfordshire UK. Posts: 128 Thanks: 25 Thanked 97 Times in 51 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: What do you think about this.... A three-day seminar isn't only asking people to make a financial commitment; it's also asking them to sacrifice time and unfortunately, the entire pitch sucks up way too much time for me to commit to it entirely. Obviously, people want proof that this method will be right for them but expecting them to sit through 6 videos on a single ad is asking for too much attention. I watched the first video, kind of enjoyed it then found myself with another to watch, survived about 45 seconds and gave up. I didn't even consider scrolling down to look at the other 4. The headline needs to be abbreviated. If I have to read through it several times to get your point, I'm not going to be sitting in front of the page for long. I'm not a copywriter but I am a prospective buyer. I don't really want to be regarded as fat, skinny, ugly or anything else that might shatter my own self esteem. I understand the angle but it's highly likely to isolate me instead of making me feel included. Maybe something less discriminatory would work? What about something along the lines of *Proven seduction techniques that land perfect babes for less-than-perfect guys*? Only an idea and as I've highlighted before, I'm not a copywriter myself. However, I'm not singling out characteristics that might shatter confidence when I'm actually looking for people to buy into what I'm selling. Just an idea and good luck with the venture.
	Rigmonkey FLW Website

03-24-2011, 08:58 AM	#12
davemiz Senior Warrior Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Miami Posts: 1,574 Thanks: 14 Thanked 210 Times in 137 Posts	Re: What do you think about this.... lol... headline is... well.... in the immortal words of clint eastwood... a clusterfcuk
	Dave Miz “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

03-24-2011, 12:19 PM	#14
Rezbi Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Lancashire, United Kingdom. Posts: 1,547 Thanks: 226 Thanked 215 Times in 181 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: What do you think about this.... The only thing this thread has proved is that none of you guys are the market for this product.
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03-24-2011, 04:00 PM	#15
Kevin Williams Power-Writer/Programmer War Room Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Eugene, OR Posts: 514 Thanks: 78 Thanked 86 Times in 64 Posts	Re: What do you think about this.... I kind of like the headline. Take that as you will...
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03-24-2011, 06:20 PM	#16
davemiz Senior Warrior Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Miami Posts: 1,574 Thanks: 14 Thanked 210 Times in 137 Posts	Re: What do you think about this.... google search his OLD sales letter.... that thing was really good.
	Dave Miz “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.” ― Dalai Lama XIV