Please critique my headline.

LaneB · 03-24-2011, 05:17 PM

This is an ad soliciting JVs. I'd appreciate any/all feedback. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I've already been shot a couple times so print won't scare me

Free money. Read this or you deserve to sleep in the streets

Very respectfully,

Lane

Kevin Williams · 03-24-2011, 05:45 PM

You shouldn't immediately say "just kidding" if you're going to come on strong like that.

Doesn't that belong in this part of the forum: Affiliate Program Database??

LaneB · 03-24-2011, 05:46 PM

Kevin,

How would you follow up after the headline? I do think it's a huge let down after clicking on the link.

travlinguy · 03-24-2011, 05:50 PM

Your headline is certainly unusual. A bit over the top for me. Sleeping in the street brings up some creepy visuals. If it were me I'd keep brainstorming for a better headline.

$2 per visitor means absolutely nothing without having more stats. 50% commission also means nothing without knowing what the price of the product is. Easy money? So what. Everyone claims that. I'd go back to the drawing board and write it up so they know exactly what they're getting. Good luck.

LaneB · 03-24-2011, 05:53 PM

Most obliged for the honest appraisal and great points.

Oxbloom · 03-24-2011, 07:40 PM

I kind of know before clicking that I don't deserve to sleep in the streets, whether I click your link or not. I feel instant alienation. Like you're trying to manipulate me, but you don't even respect me enough to do it with something other than a totally obvious lie.

I hate this headline.

Don Halbert · 03-24-2011, 07:50 PM

I concur with Oxbloom.

jtunkelo · 03-25-2011, 05:37 AM

Unfortunately, there's an immediate disconnect. Assuming you're approaching worthy JV partners who know what they're doing, why would you begin by talking to them like they're just above the poverty line?

Another disconnect is when you read the message. You're expecting a followup to a story, something personal. But not even a greeting, just the facts. And uh, why should I care who Mike Lantz is and what he does?..

FuNwiThChRiS · 03-25-2011, 07:16 AM

Free Money? That doesn't sound like a scam... not to be harsh, but noone is going to even risk spending money with someone who would write something like that... it's easy to take it too far when writing headlines. Don't come off as an a-hole or offend people.

Focus on "real" benefits, not BS.

Here is a demonstration of the powerful effects of copywriting using two descriptions of the same product. Which is more compelling?

BEFORE:
All-Weather Hiking Boots
Enjoy your next family vacation or time on the trails with BeDry™ All-Weather Hiking Boots, designed to keep you dry. Many sizes available. Selections may vary by store.

AFTER:
All-Weather Hiking Boots
Featuring Trail-Tested, BeDry™ Technology
Protect yourself from harmful elements or nagging foot conditions with amazing BeDry™ technology. These world-class hiking boots have proven their ruggedness through Alaskan winters, rain forest expeditions, and even on treks to the peak of Mt. Everest. Travel with peace of mind and hike comfortably in virtually any environment. New lower price!

Read more about copywriting at the link in my sig...

coachd · 03-25-2011, 02:12 PM

Not believable and insulting. If it's too good to be true, it probably is. Free money is too good to be true. Then if I don't click on it and read it, I feel stupid and you're saying I get what I deserve...to sleep on the streets.

I'd go back to the drawing board.

MissLauraCatella · 03-25-2011, 02:22 PM

I really want to appreciate your attempt at being brash, but it doesn't land. The headline is ugly and mean. In fact, I don't think any headline that mentions sleeping in streets would land, unless it's regarding how you (or someone who used your system) no longer sleeps on them. Even then, it's tough to pull off.

TrafficGuy Claude · 03-25-2011, 02:42 PM

I think you'd be better off changing the headline to the facts....

10% Conversions On A $19 Product - Earn With A Proven Winner

...or something like that.

Also, if you really want to attract a lot of JV's, create a great solo-ad that they can just slap their name on, copy, paste, and send to their list.

I'd imagine people will mail for you out of sheer convenience.

And of course put that in your headline:

10% Conversions On A $19 Product - Copy And Paste This eMail To Your List And Make $$$

Worth a try IMHO.

Ken_Caudill · 03-25-2011, 02:42 PM

Try it. It's bold enough that it might work.

Shannon2011 · 03-28-2011, 11:33 AM

Hey, I agree with what others have said. I don't like that headline plus you'll probably get creamed by spam filters with Free Money. Here's the headline that I've gotten the highest open rate with...100% yours for FREE

Headline: This will make you smile

Then you can talk about free money in the text of the e-mail but be sure to put it in context. Too much hype simply repels people.

To your success!
Shannon Lavenia
uprofitpro.com

03-24-2011, 05:17 PM	#1
LaneB The General, MuseTester War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 183 Blog Entries: 11 Thanks: 96 Thanked 49 Times in 32 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Please critique my headline. This is an ad soliciting JVs. I'd appreciate any/all feedback. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I've already been shot a couple times so print won't scare me Free money. Read this or you deserve to sleep in the streets Very respectfully, Lane

03-24-2011, 05:45 PM	#2
Kevin Williams Power-Writer/Programmer War Room Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Eugene, OR Posts: 514 Thanks: 78 Thanked 86 Times in 64 Posts	Re: Please critique my headline. You shouldn't immediately say "just kidding" if you're going to come on strong like that. Doesn't that belong in this part of the forum: Affiliate Program Database??
	The Steady Job Delusion WSO Articles and E-Books Written by a Copywriter (Limited Time Prices) Hire me to make Android Apps

03-24-2011, 05:46 PM	#3
LaneB The General, MuseTester War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 183 Blog Entries: 11 Thanks: 96 Thanked 49 Times in 32 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Please critique my headline. Kevin, How would you follow up after the headline? I do think it's a huge let down after clicking on the link.

03-24-2011, 05:50 PM	#4
travlinguy Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Northern Hemisphere, for now. Posts: 2,937 Thanks: 1,315 Thanked 1,634 Times in 955 Posts Contact Info	Re: Please critique my headline. Your headline is certainly unusual. A bit over the top for me. Sleeping in the street brings up some creepy visuals. If it were me I'd keep brainstorming for a better headline. $2 per visitor means absolutely nothing without having more stats. 50% commission also means nothing without knowing what the price of the product is. Easy money? So what. Everyone claims that. I'd go back to the drawing board and write it up so they know exactly what they're getting. Good luck.
	How To Launch A Successful WSO \| WSO Of The Day \| 2941 Power Swipes To Improve Your Writing!

03-24-2011, 05:53 PM	#5
LaneB The General, MuseTester War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 183 Blog Entries: 11 Thanks: 96 Thanked 49 Times in 32 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Please critique my headline. Most obliged for the honest appraisal and great points.

03-24-2011, 07:40 PM	#6
Oxbloom J.W. Acre War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 440 Thanks: 74 Thanked 244 Times in 139 Posts	Re: Please critique my headline. I kind of know before clicking that I don't deserve to sleep in the streets, whether I click your link or not. I feel instant alienation. Like you're trying to manipulate me, but you don't even respect me enough to do it with something other than a totally obvious lie. I hate this headline.

03-24-2011, 07:50 PM	#7
Don Halbert Yes! Yes I am. Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: Costa Rica Posts: 64 Thanks: 2 Thanked 11 Times in 9 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Please critique my headline. I concur with Oxbloom.
	Don G. Halbert - Inbound Marketing & Direct Response Copywriter "Someone is sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago."

03-25-2011, 05:37 AM	#8
jtunkelo HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Tampere, Finland. Posts: 158 Thanks: 30 Thanked 42 Times in 33 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Please critique my headline. Unfortunately, there's an immediate disconnect. Assuming you're approaching worthy JV partners who know what they're doing, why would you begin by talking to them like they're just above the poverty line? Another disconnect is when you read the message. You're expecting a followup to a story, something personal. But not even a greeting, just the facts. And uh, why should I care who Mike Lantz is and what he does?..
	Need a quick, effective copy critique to boost your conversion? 24-hr turnaround: http://juhotunkelo.com/copy-critique/ Want world class copy to sell your world class product? Get a free evaluation today: http://www.ecommercecopywriting.com

03-25-2011, 07:16 AM	#9
FuNwiThChRiS Copywriting Consultant Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 65 Thanks: 0 Thanked 11 Times in 9 Posts Contact Info	Re: Please critique my headline. Free Money? That doesn't sound like a scam... not to be harsh, but noone is going to even risk spending money with someone who would write something like that... it's easy to take it too far when writing headlines. Don't come off as an a-hole or offend people. Focus on "real" benefits, not BS. Here is a demonstration of the powerful effects of copywriting using two descriptions of the same product. Which is more compelling? BEFORE: All-Weather Hiking Boots Enjoy your next family vacation or time on the trails with BeDry™ All-Weather Hiking Boots, designed to keep you dry. Many sizes available. Selections may vary by store. AFTER: All-Weather Hiking Boots Featuring Trail-Tested, BeDry™ Technology Protect yourself from harmful elements or nagging foot conditions with amazing BeDry™ technology. These world-class hiking boots have proven their ruggedness through Alaskan winters, rain forest expeditions, and even on treks to the peak of Mt. Everest. Travel with peace of mind and hike comfortably in virtually any environment. New lower price! Read more about copywriting at the link in my sig...
	New Copywriting Site Coming Soon!

03-25-2011, 02:12 PM	#10
coachd Warrior Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 4 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: Please critique my headline. Not believable and insulting. If it's too good to be true, it probably is. Free money is too good to be true. Then if I don't click on it and read it, I feel stupid and you're saying I get what I deserve...to sleep on the streets. I'd go back to the drawing board.
	Stay in motion, Coach D www.fitrichandfun.com

03-25-2011, 02:22 PM	#11
MissLauraCatella the copy poet War Room Member Join Date: May 2010 Location: New York, NY Posts: 267 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 174 Thanked 174 Times in 60 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Please critique my headline. I really want to appreciate your attempt at being brash, but it doesn't land. The headline is ugly and mean. In fact, I don't think any headline that mentions sleeping in streets would land, unless it's regarding how you (or someone who used your system) no longer sleeps on them. Even then, it's tough to pull off.
	6x WSO Of The Day Copywriter To The Stars Cuts Her Price 50% For You! Click here now. (2 left) Freebie LOVE for you: How Mind Control Is As Easy As Telling The Three Little Pigs (yes optin) ;)

03-25-2011, 02:42 PM	#12
TrafficGuy Claude HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 441 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 60 Thanked 281 Times in 47 Posts Contact Info	Re: Please critique my headline. I think you'd be better off changing the headline to the facts.... 10% Conversions On A $19 Product - Earn With A Proven Winner ...or something like that. Also, if you really want to attract a lot of JV's, create a great solo-ad that they can just slap their name on, copy, paste, and send to their list. I'd imagine people will mail for you out of sheer convenience. And of course put that in your headline: 10% Conversions On A $19 Product - Copy And Paste This eMail To Your List And Make $$$ Worth a try IMHO.

03-25-2011, 02:42 PM	#13
Ken_Caudill Here for the Beer War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Chicago burbs Posts: 2,053 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 800 Thanked 1,280 Times in 795 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Please critique my headline. Try it. It's bold enough that it might work.
	Sales Copy That Converts *Miracle Sales Copy Cures Cancer*

03-28-2011, 11:33 AM	#14
Shannon2011 Warrior Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 4 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Please critique my headline. Hey, I agree with what others have said. I don't like that headline plus you'll probably get creamed by spam filters with Free Money. Here's the headline that I've gotten the highest open rate with...100% yours for FREE Headline: This will make you smile Then you can talk about free money in the text of the e-mail but be sure to put it in context. Too much hype simply repels people. To your success! Shannon Lavenia uprofitpro.com