[CLOSED] So you Want to Make Bank?

[JacksonRiddle]

Just something I quickly wrote in my spare time. Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated.

...


I'm not going to claim to be some marketing or copy writing guru because that would be lying. What I will tell you is that I have a set of darting eyes that are fixed to the back of my head with millions and millions of tiny muscle fibers and quite frankly they're bored.

So let those little bastards see something about your copy or headline and I'll make sure they'll do their best in giving you some sort of suggestion on what they think would be good to do.

And of course you may be so far behind the IM eight ball that you might not even have anything for me to see, so I'll have to write something for you.

Why should you listen to my eyes?

Because I always carry a fork with me, and every time I hold that fork six inches away from my face I can think of nothing more painful than shoving that fork right into my useless, beady eyes and searing it on a new Coleman Grill. So when the little buggers see something that shouldn't be there, they'll want to make sure their right.

How much is this going to cost?

Because my eyes often do get scared of the hand that weilds the dagger which appears before me, I'm going to have to charge you an arm and leg, but for good copy that's what you're going to pay.

Can you talk in dollar figures?

How long's a piece of string? Well the one in front of me is a couple of feet. So if you can't afford to pay upwards of $1750 then let me know, and I'll post you the piece of string and if you are light enough you can try hanging yourself with it.

$1750?!? You must write stuff for me quickly then.

Unfortunately my hand aren't as skilled as my eyes. If you've noticed any typo's then I'm sure you've already guessed that much. This means that I will probably take in between 7 and 14 days to write your sales letter, but again because you already understand the value of good copy, you're going to be willing to wait this long.

Ok, so how can I contact you?

Well, remember when you were a kid and you wrote a letter to Santa. Well while Santa lives in the North Pole and I live in Australia the chances of a letter reaching me are as likely as the letters you wrote as a child reaching Santa, so you'll probably want to send me an email.

Jackson Riddle

[Danielle Lynn]

Originally Posted by JacksonRiddle

Just something I quickly wrote in my spare time. Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated.

...


I'm not going to claim to be some marketing or copy writing guru because that would be lying. What I will tell you is that I have a set of darting eyes that are fixed to the back of my head with millions and millions of tiny muscle fibers and quite frankly they're bored.

So let those little bastards see something about your copy or headline and I'll make sure they'll do their best in giving you some sort of suggestion on what they think would be good to do.

And of course you may be so far behind the IM eight ball that you might not even have anything for me to see, so I'll have to write something for you.

Why should you listen to my eyes?

Because I always carry a fork with me, and every time I hold that fork six inches away from my face I can think of nothing more painful than shoving that fork right into my useless, beady eyes and searing it on a new Coleman Grill. So when the little buggers see something that shouldn't be there, they'll want to make sure their right.

How much is this going to cost?

Because my eyes often do get scared of the hand that weilds the dagger which appears before me, I'm going to have to charge you an arm and leg, but for good copy that's what you're going to pay.

Can you talk in dollar figures?

How long's a piece of string? Well the one in front of me is a couple of feet. So if you can't afford to pay upwards of $1750 then let me know, and I'll post you the piece of string and if you are light enough you can try hanging yourself with it.

$1750?!? You must write stuff for me quickly then.

Unfortunately my hand aren't as skilled as my eyes. If you've noticed any typo's then I'm sure you've already guessed that much. This means that I will probably take in between 7 and 14 days to write your sales letter, but again because you already understand the value of good copy, you're going to be willing to wait this long.

Ok, so how can I contact you?

Well, remember when you were a kid and you wrote a letter to Santa. Well while Santa lives in the North Pole and I live in Australia the chances of a letter reaching me are as likely as the letters you wrote as a child reaching Santa, so you'll probably want to send me an email.

Jackson Riddle

Well, I wouldn't tell people to go hang themselves simply because they thought my fees were high... or tell them I was going to plunge a fork in my eyes...

Is this satire? Or are you asking if this will get you clients?

[travlinguy]

I opened this thread earlier and read a couple of lines and clicked away. It seemed pretty weird and was going nowhere. Then I saw that you had an answer and thought maybe that might give me some perspective without having to suffer through your post. And Danielle ended up asking if it was satire. So apparently, she was a bit confused too.

I still have no idea what it is. I see a paragraph header that says: Why should you listen to my eyes. Let me guess, slight of mouth, right? A little confusion to get the reader to go that section. If that’s the game it ain't working. None of it is working.

Whatever it's about be direct with it. People don't have the time for guessing games. I'm not being judgmental here, I'm just making observations. Good luck.

[writeandreview]

It sounds like Mad Libs copywriting. Someone took a template and tossed in a few random (and weird) verbs, nouns and adjectives. Wallah! Copy only your mother (and Charlie Manson) could love.

[colmodwyer]

Confusing.

Colm

[Hugh Thyer]

Hey Jackson, is this for real? Seriously, if it is I'll give you some serious feedback, only because you're just up the road from me, and I like to help out the people in my neighbourhood.

But it is possible to show you what's wrong with it. There's probably 4-5 major things.

Hugh

[Ross Bowring]

I don't "get it" either.

If it were a genuine effort to get business I don't think it'll work. Mainly because it's not focused on the reader. It's more focused on attempts at using "clever" metaphors.

Self-indulgent writing don't sell.

Not trying to be harsh, just honest with you. Focus more on your reader's problem(s). Forgo attempts at "cleverness" for instead being straightforward and compelling about how you can alleviate their pain.

--- Ross

[Pusateri]

For the sake of consistency, you should demand payment in actual arms and legs.

Seriously, you're trying too hard for Gonzo. It comes off as a bad imitation of Charlie Sheen's bad imitation of Dr. Thompson.

Not that I think quirky/crazy can't be effective in positioning yourself, just that it needs to be a spice, not an entrée.

[TheCopywriter]

This reads as if it is more about you than about the client and his/her needs. I would get back to focusing on the client's problem and the solution.

[BrianMcLeod]

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

Not sayin' yer an idiot. Just sayin'...

What you have here is self-indugent
word salad - chopped and diced into
a pulpy puree of meaninglessness.

Quit being clever and tell people who
you are, what you've got for them,
what it will do for them, and what
to do right now.

Then it's a sales letter.

Best,

Brian

[Bill Jeffels]

I scanned what you wrote.

What many people do. I got something about your eyes, then how much it was going to cost me.

And then, something about "Santa".

I still don't know what you're doing. And don't care to know. That should sum it up. Also," Something I quickly wrote in my spare time ". I know I wouldn't submit that for a critique.

See ya,


Bill Jeffels



.

[The Copy Nazi]

Mate, do you wanna know where you can stick that fork?

[ARSuarez]

Where's Bruce when we need a public evisceration?

As far as the "copy," were you on drugs in your spare time, too? The only thing that makes sense was the first sentence.

And then you talk about your eye.

Please write something that passes the checklist sticky before posting.

Peace,

Angel

[JacksonRiddle]

Thanks guys.

Didn't mean to waste any peoples time or anything. Just was bored and wanted to put some pen to paper.

Obviously from the responses I got, it sounds like it is crap and missed the mark a lot when it comes to what a sales letter should have (even though this originally wasn't attended to be one).

Looks like it's back to the drawing board.

Jackson

P.S Can a Mod Close this thread?

Thanks