Headline Critics

Jason Fulton · 04-04-2011, 04:26 AM

Hey,

I have a headline below and would like you to critic it. Its a product on plr/product creation

===============
Attention: If You Seriously Want A Shortcut To Making Money Online...

Headline : "Discover How A Industry Outsider Earned Over $17,847 In 7 Days Using This SECRET 4 Step Formula To Product Creation Profits"

Sub Headline :Warning! The Experts Don't Want You To Know Just How SIMPLE This Formula Is To Create Top Selling Info Products

=================

Would like your thoughts

Thanks

BobbyFreiler · 04-04-2011, 05:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jasonb25

Hey,

I have a headline below and would like you to critic it. Its a product on plr/product creation

===============
Attention: If You Seriously Want A Shortcut To Making Money Online...

Headline : "Discover How A Industry Outsider Earned Over $17,847 In 7 Days Using This SECRET 4 Step Formula To Product Creation Profits"

Sub Headline :Warning! The Experts Don't Want You To Know Just How SIMPLE This Formula Is To Create Top Selling Info Products

=================

Would like your thoughts

Thanks

Good morning and great headlines.
As I read the Attention section I hear a small "hiccup."

The combination of "seriously want" creates pause. If the want is serious you may do better to use a word like desire or an action phrase like searching for/looking for in the place of want or maybe turn the phrase to emphasis the secret, "If you want a serious secret..."

I would also make the subheadline a little shorter by using "how this simple formula creates top selling info..." Less words make the headlines easier to scan and grasp quickly.

Great work! I would be drawn in.

Jason Fulton · 04-04-2011, 06:28 AM

Thanks Bobby, I appreciate your time.and will take your advice on.

Paul Hooper-Kelly · 04-04-2011, 07:54 AM

Hi Jason,

That's a great headline.

But it's the market that will decide how great.

So I suggest you create many more in a similar vein and then whittle them down to the four best, which you split test. That way you'll see which works best. Then, try and beat that one with even better ones.

Warmest regards,

Paul

alsoforum · 04-04-2011, 07:41 PM

I will give you Pm later.I just wanted to thank you for posting this message about this and I hope it helps some of the others on the board as much as its helped me.

Alex Cohen · 04-04-2011, 10:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jasonb25

Hey,

I have a headline below and would like you to critic it. Its a product on plr/product creation

===============
Attention: If You Seriously Want A Shortcut To Making Money Online...

Headline : "Discover How A Industry Outsider Earned Over $17,847 In 7 Days Using This SECRET 4 Step Formula To Product Creation Profits"

Sub Headline :Warning! The Experts Don't Want You To Know Just How SIMPLE This Formula Is To Create Top Selling Info Products

=================

Would like your thoughts

Thanks

Pretty much like a thousand other headlines in the make money niche.

And it sounds like work. Product Creation? Create Info Products? The magic pill buyers don't want to work. They want to push a button and have money fall from the sky.

Alex

seovcim · 04-04-2011, 10:06 PM

Hiiii It's a perfect headline.......

BobbyFreiler · 04-05-2011, 07:35 PM

No problem! That's what we are all here for.

GlobalMedia · 04-09-2011, 12:34 AM

It appears to me quite a perfect headline. I don't want to make a critic about unnecessary thing. Just keep me updated about how it works.

Rigmonkey · 04-09-2011, 01:24 AM

I think Alex has nailed the flaws, although it's definitely on the way to being creative and attractive.

Ask yourself if it stands out from any other headline you've seen before and be totally honest. I've seen headlines EXACTLY like that since the early 1990's when reports were sold on this stuff called paper (YUP! I'm really that old!). I don't know what your product is but you do, so make sure the headline grabs onto the one thing that makes your product truly unique. These days, I only buy reports for two reasons:

I think I'm getting something different
I think I'm getting something that will build on information that I already know

I may not be part of your target audience but the headline hasn't fulfilled my needs yet. I'm sure it will fulfil the needs of others, but some tweaking might increase your range.

Alex rightly says that some of your market will baulk as soon as they think they actually have to do something. I know people that don't even read the reports properly, and then wonder why everything they try doesn't work. There are a lot of people that are attracted to products because they're fundamentally lazy. They want the money without actually having to work as hard as the rest of us.

It's not a question of telling them there's no work involved; that would be wrong and the moment you begin to lie to your customers, the faster your reputation falls. It's about NOT telling them that there IS work to do. It's an old technique (I remember being duped into attending one of those awful Amway meetings in the late 1980's on the back of a phone call that simply asked if I wanted to make some easy money. There was no mention of cleaning products, MLM schemes and parting with my own money!) and it still works today in many different forms.

Tweak things a little. I know this has done a million times before as well but it does make things sound so much easier. Your sub-headline could read:

The Experts Don't Want You To Know How This SIMPLE Secret Makes Them Money While They Sleep

All of a sudden, I'm buying priceless commodities that appeal to me on several counts:

I'm buying a product of quality because experts use it
I'm buying a little-known product because it's a hidden secret
I'm buying a simple product that's going to make me money without months of hard graft

There are other benefits in there, but I'm sure you get my drift.

Good luck with the launch and any changes you make!

EDIT TO ADD: Some random observations on the page itself:

Please get somebody to proofread the actual page as well. Nothing says 'inferiority' more than a sales page that's littered with errors.
Using the phrase 'braindead' could be offensive. Personally, I'd remove it.
Make your story believable. I've heard that one millions of times before. Also, if you're broke, how can you afford to take random bald men to dinner?
Never call your product pathetic!
Never call your product cheap!

BartsTreasures · 04-09-2011, 03:16 PM

Let me say up front that this is just my humble opinion... Great job so far...as it stands I would likely at least paruse the copy to try and figure out what's different about your product.

That said, here's my opinion.

"If You Seriously Want A Shortcut To Making Money Online..."

- sets off alarm bells because my experience has shown me there are no "shortcuts"...how about instead of 'shortcut to' we said 'streamlined way to' or 'brain dead simple way of' but that may be my own personal bias.

"Discover How A Industry Outsider Earned Over $17,847 In 7 Days Using This SECRET 4 Step Formula To Product Creation Profits"

I LOVE this headline!! 1) you 'draw them in' with "Discover How A Industry Outsider Earned" 2) You say a specific odd number $17,847 which works way better than $17000 3) It seems SIMPLE...just 4 steps! 4) Most important...I can read the headline and still not be sure it's a 'sales pitch'...it COULD be offering valuable info so I read on. The "To Product Creation Profits" is a bit of awkward wording though I feel.

Sub Headline :Warning! The Experts Don't Want You To Know Just How SIMPLE This Formula Is To Create Top Selling Info Products

Again great but the 'create top info products' sounds too much like "work"...I would perhaps consider the following tweak

Warning! The Experts Don't Want You To Know Just How SIMPLE This Money Making Formula (Explained Below) Is To Implement!!!

Sounds much less cumbersome to do now and since it's "explained below" I definately want to read on to find out what this SIMPLE 3 STEP FORMULA is all about! I'm thinking ...YES it sounds like a sales letter BUT it also sounds like I'm going to LEARN something valuable within the sales letter too!...so I read on.

Hope this helps.

Jason Fulton · 04-09-2011, 03:35 PM

Thanks Guys,

I tweaked the title and end up with this one below:

Attention: The Secrets of Product Creation Revealed...

"Discover Why An Industry Outsider Is Able To Generate $17,847 In Just 7 Days... And How YOU Can Do The Same In 4 Easy Steps!"

Warning! This Is Something Those 'Gurus' Don't Want You To Know About Because The Truth Is... Making A Fortune From Info Products Is Nowhere Nearly As Hard As They Have Led You To Believe!

travlinguy · 04-09-2011, 03:49 PM

Tell me, and this is a serious question. Do GURUs really not want regular folks to know the truth about online marketing? I mean, has this approach been known to convert well? I see it all the time and it seems so hokey. Anyone?

ewenmack · 04-09-2011, 04:57 PM

Jason,

Pull out your credit card and buy this http://www.warriorforum.com/warrior-...t-winners.html

Reason?

Because the best at creating offers for your market are giving away their secrets...

...secrets that come with a WARNING on their use.

Are you going to keep on fumbling around in the dark looking for the money switch...

or...

have the damn money switch put in your hot hands?

Do I need to be more subtle than this?

Best,
Ewen

writeandreview · 04-09-2011, 06:16 PM

I think you've copied too many copy 'techniques' into this and it's diluting the momentum.

Quote:

Attention: The Secrets of Product Creation Revealed...

"Discover Why An Industry Outsider Is Able To Generate $17,847 In Just 7 Days... And How YOU Can Do The Same In 4 Easy Steps!"

Warning! This Is Something Those 'Gurus' Don't Want You To Know About Because The Truth Is... Making A Fortune From Info Products Is Nowhere Nearly As Hard As They Have Led You To Believe!

I favor of a more personal approach.

You really need to go grass roots and split test like Paul Hooper-Kelly suggested.

Here's what I came up with in about 10 minutes using your original copy as a springboard:

-------

I Discovered Something Today ...
And I Feel Like Shouting It From The Rooftops!

I Know How They Do It.
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW THEY DO IT!

Generate $17,847 In 7 Days?
You bet. If you know the secret.

No tricks. No gimmicks. Just truth.

A few 'Gurus' are hoarding this info ...
And hoarding the profits it generates.

But it stops today.
Right here. Right now.

I know exactly how they do it ...
And I'll share it with you.

I will show you exactly how to take a giant bite out of this lucrative, cash rich market.

Gurus be damned.
-------

Hope your product really does contain valuable info. Good luck!

Christopher Abraham · 04-10-2011, 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jasonb25

Thanks Guys,

I tweaked the title and end up with this one below:

Attention: The Secrets of Product Creation Revealed...

"Discover Why An Industry Outsider Is Able To Generate $17,847 In Just 7 Days... And How YOU Can Do The Same In 4 Easy Steps!"

Warning! This Is Something Those 'Gurus' Don't Want You To Know About Because The Truth Is... Making A Fortune From Info Products Is Nowhere Nearly As Hard As They Have Led You To Believe!

I like this much better than the original. Now the most important part is to prove what you claim. Your offer sounds too good to be true to me, so if you can successfully remove all doubts from your prospect's mind through your copy, I'd say you have a winning product.

The Copy Nazi · 04-10-2011, 01:32 PM

He said - "I could tell you exactly how I'm cleaning up with info products - but then I'd have to kill you...

Guess what - I'm still alive - and yes, he did spill the beans

let me explain...

04-04-2011, 04:26 AM	#1
Jason Fulton Banned War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Sydney , Australia. Posts: 539 Thanks: 28 Thanked 32 Times in 28 Posts	Headline Critics - Pop In Hey, I have a headline below and would like you to critic it. Its a product on plr/product creation =============== Attention: If You Seriously Want A Shortcut To Making Money Online... Headline : "Discover How A Industry Outsider Earned Over $17,847 In 7 Days Using This SECRET 4 Step Formula To Product Creation Profits" Sub Headline :Warning! The Experts Don't Want You To Know Just How SIMPLE This Formula Is To Create Top Selling Info Products ================= Would like your thoughts Thanks

04-04-2011, 06:28 AM	#3
Jason Fulton Banned War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Sydney , Australia. Posts: 539 Thanks: 28 Thanked 32 Times in 28 Posts	Re: Headline Critics - Pop In Thanks Bobby, I appreciate your time.and will take your advice on.

04-04-2011, 07:54 AM	#4
Paul Hooper-Kelly $1.33 MILLION Marketer War Room Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: King William's former royal hunting forest, Hampshire, England, UK Posts: 456 Thanks: 9 Thanked 75 Times in 54 Posts Social Networking	Re: Headline Critics - Pop In Hi Jason, That's a great headline. But it's the market that will decide how great. So I suggest you create many more in a similar vein and then whittle them down to the four best, which you split test. That way you'll see which works best. Then, try and beat that one with even better ones. Warmest regards, Paul
	Have you claimed your Unfair Advantage yet?

04-04-2011, 07:41 PM	#5
alsoforum Warrior Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 10 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Headline Critics - Pop In I will give you Pm later.I just wanted to thank you for posting this message about this and I hope it helps some of the others on the board as much as its helped me.

04-04-2011, 10:06 PM	#7
seovcim Active Warrior Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: New Delhi Posts: 54 Thanks: 0 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: Headline Critics - Pop In Hiiii It's a perfect headline.......
	VC Internet Media Pvt Ltd Digital Marketing \| Online Marketing \| Search Engine Marketing \|

04-05-2011, 07:35 PM	#8
BobbyFreiler Entrepreneur&Businessman Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Lehigh Valley, PA Posts: 34 Thanks: 2 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Headline Critics - Pop In No problem! That's what we are all here for.
	Grab Bobby's Free Marketing Bootcamp Videos To: 1. Learn How To Effectively Market Online 2. Become A Lead Generation Expert 3. Create A Six-Figure Income

04-09-2011, 12:34 AM	#9
GlobalMedia HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Around the Globe Posts: 256 Thanks: 5 Thanked 13 Times in 11 Posts Contact Info	Re: Headline Critics - Pop In It appears to me quite a perfect headline. I don't want to make a critic about unnecessary thing. Just keep me updated about how it works.

04-09-2011, 01:24 AM	#10
Rigmonkey Freelance Writer War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Bedfordshire UK. Posts: 128 Thanks: 25 Thanked 97 Times in 51 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Headline Critics - Pop In I think Alex has nailed the flaws, although it's definitely on the way to being creative and attractive. Ask yourself if it stands out from any other headline you've seen before and be totally honest. I've seen headlines EXACTLY like that since the early 1990's when reports were sold on this stuff called paper (YUP! I'm really that old!). I don't know what your product is but you do, so make sure the headline grabs onto the one thing that makes your product truly unique. These days, I only buy reports for two reasons: I think I'm getting something different I think I'm getting something that will build on information that I already know I may not be part of your target audience but the headline hasn't fulfilled my needs yet. I'm sure it will fulfil the needs of others, but some tweaking might increase your range. Alex rightly says that some of your market will baulk as soon as they think they actually have to do something. I know people that don't even read the reports properly, and then wonder why everything they try doesn't work. There are a lot of people that are attracted to products because they're fundamentally lazy. They want the money without actually having to work as hard as the rest of us. It's not a question of telling them there's no work involved; that would be wrong and the moment you begin to lie to your customers, the faster your reputation falls. It's about NOT telling them that there IS work to do. It's an old technique (I remember being duped into attending one of those awful Amway meetings in the late 1980's on the back of a phone call that simply asked if I wanted to make some easy money. There was no mention of cleaning products, MLM schemes and parting with my own money!) and it still works today in many different forms. Tweak things a little. I know this has done a million times before as well but it does make things sound so much easier. Your sub-headline could read: The Experts Don't Want You To Know How This SIMPLE Secret Makes Them Money While They Sleep All of a sudden, I'm buying priceless commodities that appeal to me on several counts: I'm buying a product of quality because experts use it I'm buying a little-known product because it's a hidden secret I'm buying a simple product that's going to make me money without months of hard graft There are other benefits in there, but I'm sure you get my drift. Good luck with the launch and any changes you make! EDIT TO ADD: Some random observations on the page itself: Please get somebody to proofread the actual page as well. Nothing says 'inferiority' more than a sales page that's littered with errors. Using the phrase 'braindead' could be offensive. Personally, I'd remove it. Make your story believable. I've heard that one millions of times before. Also, if you're broke, how can you afford to take random bald men to dinner? Never call your product pathetic! Never call your product cheap!
	Rigmonkey FLW Website

04-09-2011, 03:16 PM	#11
BartsTreasures Active Warrior Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 50 Thanks: 0 Thanked 9 Times in 8 Posts	Re: Headline Critics - Pop In Let me say up front that this is just my humble opinion... Great job so far...as it stands I would likely at least paruse the copy to try and figure out what's different about your product. That said, here's my opinion. "If You Seriously Want A Shortcut To Making Money Online..." - sets off alarm bells because my experience has shown me there are no "shortcuts"...how about instead of 'shortcut to' we said 'streamlined way to' or 'brain dead simple way of' but that may be my own personal bias. "Discover How A Industry Outsider Earned Over $17,847 In 7 Days Using This SECRET 4 Step Formula To Product Creation Profits" I LOVE this headline!! 1) you 'draw them in' with "Discover How A Industry Outsider Earned" 2) You say a specific odd number $17,847 which works way better than $17000 3) It seems SIMPLE...just 4 steps! 4) Most important...I can read the headline and still not be sure it's a 'sales pitch'...it COULD be offering valuable info so I read on. The "To Product Creation Profits" is a bit of awkward wording though I feel. Sub Headline :Warning! The Experts Don't Want You To Know Just How SIMPLE This Formula Is To Create Top Selling Info Products Again great but the 'create top info products' sounds too much like "work"...I would perhaps consider the following tweak Warning! The Experts Don't Want You To Know Just How SIMPLE This Money Making Formula (Explained Below) Is To Implement!!! Sounds much less cumbersome to do now and since it's "explained below" I definately want to read on to find out what this SIMPLE 3 STEP FORMULA is all about! I'm thinking ...YES it sounds like a sales letter BUT it also sounds like I'm going to LEARN something valuable within the sales letter too!...so I read on. Hope this helps.

04-09-2011, 03:35 PM	#12
Jason Fulton Banned War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Sydney , Australia. Posts: 539 Thanks: 28 Thanked 32 Times in 28 Posts	Re: Headline Critics - Pop In Thanks Guys, I tweaked the title and end up with this one below: Attention: The Secrets of Product Creation Revealed... "Discover Why An Industry Outsider Is Able To Generate $17,847 In Just 7 Days... And How YOU Can Do The Same In 4 Easy Steps!" Warning! This Is Something Those 'Gurus' Don't Want You To Know About Because The Truth Is... Making A Fortune From Info Products Is Nowhere Nearly As Hard As They Have Led You To Believe!

04-09-2011, 03:49 PM	#13
travlinguy Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Northern Hemisphere, for now. Posts: 2,937 Thanks: 1,315 Thanked 1,634 Times in 955 Posts Contact Info	Re: Headline Critics - Pop In Tell me, and this is a serious question. Do GURUs really not want regular folks to know the truth about online marketing? I mean, has this approach been known to convert well? I see it all the time and it seems so hokey. Anyone?
	How To Launch A Successful WSO \| WSO Of The Day \| 2941 Power Swipes To Improve Your Writing!

04-09-2011, 04:57 PM	#14
ewenmack Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Auckland, New Zealand Posts: 2,092 Thanks: 790 Thanked 1,027 Times in 558 Posts	Re: Headline Critics - Pop In Jason, Pull out your credit card and buy this http://www.warriorforum.com/warrior-...t-winners.html Reason? Because the best at creating offers for your market are giving away their secrets... ...secrets that come with a WARNING on their use. Are you going to keep on fumbling around in the dark looking for the money switch... or... have the damn money switch put in your hot hands? Do I need to be more subtle than this? Best, Ewen

04-10-2011, 01:32 PM	#17
The Copy Nazi Mal Lambe War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: The Bunker, Paris Posts: 2,489 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 791 Thanked 1,481 Times in 701 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Headline Critics - Pop In He said - "I could tell you exactly how I'm cleaning up with info products - but then I'd have to kill you... Guess what - I'm still alive - and yes, he did spill the beans let me explain...