Is my home page copy ok? ...

[Steve_]

Hello all!

Firstly thank you for everyone who contributes. Some great advice given.

I'd really appreciate your opinions on how my home page copy is structured.

I have tried to give all the important info up front. And then under that provide more detail in a problem-solution-benefits-proof-USP-action type of structure with links to skip to each section. I'm wondering if it is still too long for other reasons though!?

I think I've already got enough items in the side menu so didn't really want to add more pages and hence more side menu items.

I'd love to hear your advice!

Plus if you had any other comments - overall site design, layout, colours etc

quitsmokingin60mins.com.au

Thank you muchly!

Kind Regards,

Steve

[jtunkelo]

If you want to put out a sales letter, create a sales letter.

If you want to put out a resource page, create a resource page.

Make up your mind. Now the two are thrown together and frankly disrupt the efficacy of both.

The sales letter is hemmed in between free stuff, written in a hard to see gray font, even getting through to the body copy is hard work. Don't make them work hard.

The free stuff is all over the place, and the visitor gets paralyzed not knowing what they're supposed to put their attention on FIRST.

Sorry to sound so negative, but you really need to make clear what you want people who land on your page to see, understand and especially do.

[Paul Hooper-Kelly]

Hi Steve,

There's a great deal of good information there and I like the CNN screen shot to back up the health scare.

But jtunkelo is right: you need to decide if you want to make money or simply provide a nice place for folks to hang out.

If making money is your intention, then you need a sales page that's a 'greased chute' - right from an eye-catching headline ... all the way down to the order button WITHOUT a single distraction.

But that doesn't mean you can't incorporate the valuable CNN screen shot as a sidebar, but don't allow any places where they can click away from your sales page. You want them focused like a laser on your story.

Going back to the headline: quitting in six minutes is a bit hard to imagine, even if it is guaranteed.

So, unless you have a testimonial you can place right underneath from someone who actually did what the headline claims (and even then, you should make it clear that's not an 'average' result), I would change it to something you can prove.

Perhaps something like ...

If you've tried everything to quit smoking and failed, then this is for YOU ...

"Discover How To Quit Smoking Faster Than You Believed Possible ...
Without Risking Your Mental Health On Dangerous Drugs!"

Read on to find out how you can home in on the source of the problem with the accuracy of a cruise missile, totally destroying your urge to smoke - permanently ...

Warmest regards,

Paul

[Sean McPheat]

Hi Steve,

I would start from scratch and first of all have a clear objective for your site.

Exactly what do you want your visitor to do when they come onto your page?

Is it:

To sign up to a freebie (you then market to them over time)
To get them to purchase something there and then (hence a long sales letter would be best)
Or do you want to confuse them? (you've achieved this one!!!!!)

Sorry Steve for my candid response but your site is typical of the many that we see.

There is too much info on there and your headlines dont't jump out at the reader because they are hidden with the same text colour etc

Lose the flash as well, no-one will wait around to read what it says! Replace it with a headline like Paul mention. You are wasting a lot of valuable real estate where that flash is. So get rid of that and put the headline there.

So....

Sit down and work out:

1. How are you going to make money form this site?
2. Which business model is best suited to this type of product?
3. Have clear objectives of what you want your visitor to do when they arrive on your site

Hope that helps

Sean

[writeandreview]

This at the top:

Fed Up With Struggling To Quit Smoking?

Just want to find a method that works and be free of smoking for life?
A method that doesn’t involve willpower, drugs and nasty side effects and is pain and struggle free?

Doesn't work for me.

Smoking is a huge, nasty tar ball of life threatening disasters rolling behind every smoker. If a smoker doesn't recognize the threat and doesn't act quickly to sidestep it, he risks getting crushed.

Why not use some of the widespread fears about smoking to help you sell?

[ASCW]

To emphasize what others have already mentioned.
You have WAY to much going on.

If you want a resource page, make a resource page. If you want a sales letter, make a sales letter.

But trying to run them together like that really just makes both of them worse.

Anyways, onward to the copy.

No, your home page copy is not okay.

1st your layout (as mentioned above) is not good for sales. You have way to much competing for the top of the page. You have the "quit smoking in 60 minutes guaranteed" then the slideshow of testimonials (which need to be much stronger - and presented MUCH better).

Then your have before your headline "Quit Smoking, Stop Smoking, Quit Smoking Hypnosis, Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne, Newcastle, Perth, Adelaide, Cairns, Gold Coast, Sunshine Coast, Toowoomba"
Get this off the page. And if you must keep it, put these in words that make sense. Don't just jam them onto the most important part of the page.

Your headline should be much stronger than it currently is.

Also there's another big problem with your copy...

All the tabs and clicking - You don't want to make them work at reading your sales message.

Also the offer itself is very unclear -

And your CTA is very unclear (even as a copywriter looking over it I'm not 100% sure exactly what you want me to do - and then I'm not 100% each step that happens to me after I get involved. This is a problem and should be fixed immediately.

Assuming your stuff actually works - you seem to have enough bulk "info" on the page. And I'm sure if you hired a solid copywriter you could set up a pretty strong money site.

Don't pinch pennies here. Hiring a copywriter is serious business - You'll need a writer who will sit down with you, talk to your over the phone extensively (or email, or whatever you prefer) and REALLY get their teeth into this thing.

Email me at AndyWilson22@gmail.com if you need help implementing what I suggested or need help sifting through all of the advice.

[cynthea]

I like the simple advice of jtunkelo above:

<<The sales letter is hemmed in between free stuff, written in a hard to see gray font, even getting through to the body copy is hard work. Don't make them work hard.

The free stuff is all over the place, and the visitor gets paralyzed not knowing what they're supposed to put their attention on FIRST.

Sorry to sound so negative, but you really need to make clear what you want people who land on your page to see, understand and especially do.>>

Frankly, I didn't know where to look on your page. My eye was drawn to the offer of the Free Pack, and yet I wanted to know more about the Free Pack... and how that would solve my problem if I was a smoker. I found your sales copy too wordy, and not to the point.

You may want to consider going to a two-column template. Having a column on either side of the text was so noisy, communication-wise. I wasn't able to focus anywhere.

You just need to do some tweaking and take the recommendations of the above posters to heart. Tighten your sales copy and lose a lot of the ads.

Good luck with this! It's a good start!

[biggoogle]

Originally Posted by jtunkelo

The free stuff is all over the place, and the visitor gets paralyzed not knowing what they're supposed to put their attention on FIRST.

I agree.

Also, I don't like seeing incomplete names in the testimonials. Rick H., Sally P., etc. don't build credibility.

I know hypnosis can do wonders for an array of problems, but most people are skeptical. Don't give them reasons to doubt your claims or the claims of your past clients. Give people's full names and their location. If at all possible, include a picture for each person also.

Hope this helps a bit.

Gab

[GlobalMedia]

Ya, credibility is one such aspect which can make a difference. And for this, testimonials can really play an important role. So, do take care of that.

[talamoth]

Hi Steve,
Here are a few things I noticed at first glance.

There is way too much going on that is competing for my attention. My eyes are moving back and forth between the slideshow and the stopwatch and I'm not reading anything you have to say. You want to make sure and get your overall message across instantly. You don't have long to capture a visitor's interest. If I were you, I'd remove the graphics from above the fold and make your main message be what hits visitors when they first arrive at your site. Simplify the page. Keep your message clear and concise.

Include the BENEFIT of what you are offering in the main headline. Often times website content is too much feature-driven with not enough actual benefit to the visitor. Instead of the main headline being "Fed Up With Struggling to Quit Smoking", say something instead like "I Can Help You Quit Smoking Forever."

If you are going to use testimonials, always use a first and last name. First names plus last name initial only comes off as gimicky and does not lend credibility to your testimonials.

Good luck to you!