A New Twist On Sales Pages... What do you think?

[FitJerk]

Hey guys,

Ok so I have just put a new little twist on my sales page and I want to know what you think. It's being tested right now but I also want some opinions

You can view it here: Flawless Fitness Book-download (*Been updated*)

***BEFORE READING IT***

Just remember, this page shows up only AFTER you opt-in for my free fitness report. So keep that in mind.

Ok... let the sales page tearing-apart being.

- Sahil M

[FitJerk]

No one for any suggestions?

[Topgunb]

hi Sahil,

100% for marketing strategy!
Grow the list at all cost.

No#1 rule is missing
Give me a reason!
What is in it for me?


Sorry

Brian

p.s. Feel free to check mine out in signature below

[Justin Mandel]

I don't get it. What's the new twist?

[Harlan]

Hi, I read your sales letter.

It's really bad.

I would track down Vin Montello who is the top of the game in this niche
and hire him. If you can get an opening and if you can afford this.

You are making a million mistakes with this letter.

It's not going to do very well.

What's the worst part of your letter?

Where's the proof?

Right.

Like I was saying....

Go hire Vin.

[FitJerk]

Thanks guys, working on a re-write.

And Harlan, I appreciate the recommendation but if i could afford a high-caliber copywriter like him... this post would read "Which copywriter should I hire? Money is no object!" =)

I AM going to hire one someday when I can afford to do so, but in the mean time I want to improve my copy even further.

And Justin... the new twist being...
1. Not to start with the Big Bold Red Head line
2. Engage the reader and make them involved. My bounce rate dropped by 5% by doing this and this was my first try... it's only going to get better.

[FitJerk]

Alright Warriors...

I did a COMPLETE Re-Write of the sales page. The process is still the same (it shows up after you opt-in) but I changed everything else.

I think starting again from scratch most certainly helped. Let me know what you think. I might have small errors since I've spent 3 hours straight on this thing so if you spot any... please let me know ASAP.

Thanks alot

[Harlan]

Originally Posted by metalslug

And Harlan, I appreciate the recommendation but if i could afford a high-caliber copywriter like him... this post would read "Which copywriter should I hire? Money is no object!" =)

You have no idea how much it is costing you NOT to hire a copywriter.

Your sales page is still really bad.

Each sale that trickles in will make you wonder how much money you could have made
if you stopped dicking around and hired a pro.

Good luck.

[Justin Mandel]

I did not even have to waste my time and scroll down below the fold.

It is...not good.

If you can't hire Vin at least hire *someone* who can help you with this.

Otherwise you are wasting your time.

[FitJerk]

Originally Posted by Harlan

Each sale that trickles in will make you wonder how much money you could have made
if you stopped dicking around and hired a pro.

Good luck.

Easy there Mr. Bad-Ass aviator man... To be clear I want to LEARN how to write a more effective copy, and the only way to acquire a skill is to keep doing it.

If I followed this advice for everything else in life Id have no skills to speak of. So help a brother out by pointing out what you liked/didn't like. Does it need a re-write again? F&#K it.. I'll do it.

I'm sure you mean well but that's an expensive option not available to me right now.

Anyways... Justin, I appreciate you took the time to read it. I AM getting help from Rob Canyon (Sp?). He helped me out with my Opt-in page so I'll see what he has to say.

In the mean time, Id appreciate if you can point me in the right direction as to what exactly you think I'm doing wrong.

Peace.

[MaskedMarketer]

Originally Posted by metalslug

To be clear I want to LEARN how to write a more effective copy, and the only way to acquire a skill is to keep doing it.

What books and courses have you studied on copy writing? You should probably study more and continue to improve.

Originally Posted by metalslug

If I followed this advice for everything else in life Id have no skills to speak of. So help a brother out by pointing out what you liked/didn't like. Does it need a re-write again? F&#K it.. I'll do it. .

If you're writing youre sales ltter because you can't afford one, I can understand, but if you're writing it to learn a new skill then you probably need to study more.

You're asking for someone to sit down and read your letter and point stuff out and what to change (thats an actual process and costs money). For the amount of mistakes in your letter, you need a re-work or have a completely new letter. No one here will do that for free. It takes time.

Originally Posted by metalslug

I'm sure you mean well but that's an expensive option not available to me right now..

Check out the WSO's - i think some guy is doing re works for 97$ and he has happy customers. You do not need the top guy to get good results, but it sure helps. You just need to improve that letter.

Originally Posted by metalslug

In the mean time, Id appreciate if you can point me in the right direction as to what exactly you think I'm doing wrong.

There is no reason for anyone here to read a sales letter when the headline looks like its written for an article or report. If you can't do a decent/good headline, most people won't read the letter. You're asking for a service that people pay for, so I'd recommend the rework and maybe come back with something more professional and then go from there.

On a positive note, you did a good job for actually trying and taking action. The letter isnt anywhere near ready to produce results, so go check out soem reworks at the very least

[FitJerk]

First of all, thanks Masked

So far I have studied John Carlton, Frank Kern and Eben Pagen's stuff. Ive gone through everything once, but if you've seen the size of those programs then that's alot of time spent. However, i do need to go over them again since they were so jam-packed.

John Carlton recommends to write everyday and so I've been doing that. In fact I was actually kind of pissed about a little personal matter and used that to write a sales copy... I ended up re-writing it again (haven't uploaded it yet) but looking over it... kind of reminds me of good ol' Rich Jerk. =)

I'll see if i can fine tune that and do more re-work on my current one and split test them.

In the mean time, thanks for the advice... I have come up with another head line over here:
Flawless Fitness Book-thebook

Let me know your thoughts.

The copy for it is the same, but right now I want a killer headline that grabs your interest. Until I have that... there is work to be done


And I will look around the WSO's. Good call.

[Justin Mandel]

My sentiments exactly.

Originally Posted by MaskedMarketer

There is no reason for anyone here to read a sales letter when the headline looks like its written for an article or report. If you can't do a decent/good headline, most people won't read the letter. You're asking for a service that people pay for, so I'd recommend the rework and maybe come back with something more professional and then go from there.

[TheMagicShow]

Your headline will sell you more on your potential prospects more than anything else, if the headline is poor then you are not going to have the prospects reading the rest of your sales letter. I would advise that you pickup a nuts and bolts book on copywriting from folks such as Bly, Sugarman and read their books.

Good Luck!

[imaddict]

I'd get rid of the McAfee and Verisign seals (unless you plan on properly signing up for those services). Just copy/pasting their logos on your site is just asking for trouble...

[Stephen Dean]

I don't like the angle you're going with in the deck copy. Think of someone who wants to lose weight. Their desire is to be thin (probably for even deeper reasons than just health), and that's not the conversation you're starting with. You're going in a completely different direction, what NOT to do.

Generally in copy we try to be positive. Sure, there's the headline "Do You Make These Mistakes In English?" But that was the conversation going on inside the head of the prospect.

So I'd completely change that angle.

And also, your surhead, headline, and subhead don't flow into each other very well at all. It's like you wrote them all separately. Try to make them all part of the same story.

Cheers,
Stephen Dean
stephensblog.com