Feedback please

[cotum]

Elite Social Control - Machiavellian Mingling Advice, How to Control Others, and more

Thank you.

[Justin Mandel]

I think it's "OK" meaning you will make sales with what you have.

1) It could use some tweaks by helping to speak more directly to the reader IMO by befriending them more and getting them more on your side.

2) Right in the beginning you talk way too much about yourself:
"For years I've been studying various forms of self-improvement, hypnosis and persuasion. Like many of you, I've chased the trends - the latest "Law of Attraction" knockoff, people claiming to have "inside information" on "secret" hypnosis groups, and all sorts of other nonsense."

At this point in the copy you need to pull the reader more into your web and talking about yourself is NOT the way to do it.

3)I have a big problem with this below, since you help destroy your own credibility. In other words if I'm going to spend $47 do you think I really want to spend it on someone who "thinks?" No, I want to spend it on someone who "knows":
"When it comes down to really winning when dealing with other people, I don't think spouting hypnotic patterns at them is the way to truly get them to do what you want."

Also you have no social proof.

[cotum]

Thanks, I know the rule about not talking too much about myself, but how can I turn it around?

BTW the squeeze page is here: Elite Social Control - Machiavellian Mingling Advice, How to Control Others, and more - could use feedback on that as well if you have a minute.

[RareGoodStuff]

Your sales copy is not really great because you spent the precious time, talking about your self. You offered little evidence about your claims.
When you write a sales copy, put yourself as the recepient.

An effective copy needs 3 things:
1. A star
2. Evidence
3. An Offer

In your copy, you presented yourself as the default star. Not bad, but not convincing enough. The star character has to be exceptional at something, to capture the imagination of your reader.
Foremost, your title has to capture the reader's imagination and interest.

Next, show evidence of the product you are peddling. Tease the reader with a sample, a content of the product. Include key beneficiaries of this product.

Close with an irresistable offer. Give something reasonable in exchange for the money.

Your copy will need a re-write in my honest opinion. Talk less about yourself. Find a star beside yourself.

[Alex Malave]

I would include some of the end goals or results people want in the headline.

Mind control is a means to an end.

Why do people want to use social control? Make more cash, get people to do what they want?