My WSO was DOOMED... Please Help Me Rework Everything

[Ray Abraham]

Hi there,

I run my first WSO (a niche product) back in June 2008, and
it was completely doomed... resulting in 0 sales. Sad, I know.

This month I started to rework everything from scratch -
graphics, sales copy, website, etc.- and here's what I end up with:
Mighty Bastard: Ultimate PC Cheat Guide

I got my first sale yesterday from YouTube traffic, but I guess
that's a pure luck. My goal is to get a constant 10-20 sales per month,
but I'm not sure if my sales copy is decent enough.

Please help me get closer to my goal... copywriting is just not my stuff



Thank you in advanced,

Ray

P.S. Here's the link to the doomed WSO, if you're curious:
WSO Archive - 1000%+ MORE Productive... Playing PC Games?! | WarriorPlus

[write-stuff]

I guess I'd start with the headline:


Are you loosing lives and is your character poor?
"Mighty Bastard: Ultimate PC Cheat Guide" Reveals Complete Package of Lives Hack,
Money Hack, and Much More for ANY Game...
So You Never Have to Buy Cheat Books again!

This is just my opinion - use your own judgement:
(1) Kill the first line about "Are you..."
(2) Shouldn't the word "hack" be "hacks"?
(3) Get rid of "So" in the last line.
(4) The only games I play are flight sims, so I'm not up to speed in your market. But the claim to provide ways to cheat in ALL games sounds unbelievable.
(5) Also make sure your headline doesn't break in the middle of phrases.
(6) If you feel the need to highlight something, highlight benefits not features.
(7) Does your "Might Bastard" reveal a package or does it reveal these hacks? Better check your wording.
(8) Targeting. Do warriorforum members represent your market? Might your offer have been more effective in a gaming forum? "Sell what people want to buy."
(9) Nothing personal, but the grammar in your copy is horrible. People will judge your product by the quality of your offering.
(10) Your subheading that says "Why not just flush your money down the toilet." right before showing an image of your product may not be having the subconsious affect that you anticipated.

[Raydal]

From the headline to the end of the letter reads like a puzzle that
the reader needs to solve. Your letter needs a hack!

Seriously though the language reads like an ESL writer and your
readers will not try to decipher your message. This letter needs
a serious rewrite.

-Ray L.,

[Collette]

Your WSO was doomed because you picked the wrong location.

You tried to sell a product for people who spend their time on the Internet playing games - in a hangout for people who spend their time on the Internet trying to make money.

<buzzer>

Now, I'm not saying that the odd Warrior here doesn't play a game or two. However, if they are here, that's obviously not their primary focus. (Unless they're here to learn how to sell their product on Internet gaming) The result? You're trying to sell bikinis to Eskimos.

Go where your market is. Sell to people who ARE ALREADY INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER.

Anything else is a waste of your time.

As for your current sales letter: I agree with a lot of the same comments Ray made above. I find it confusing and clunky BUT... I am NOT your target market.

I am assuming that you are a gamer. In which case, I assume you must know other people who share your passion. Have THEM read your letter, and see if it makes sense to them. Or go to a gaming forum, and ask for reviewers for your product.

In other words: GO WHERE YOUR MARKET ALREADY IS.

The only way you're going to make this product attractive to the WF crowd is if you can connect the dots as to how this can help them save time and/or money in their business.

[mikecowles]

Hi,

I would suggest two things. First get rid of "Mighty Bastard". It will offend people or at least have them lose respect for the author.

Second, get Justin Mitchie's ebook on wso secrets. It doubled my sales after reading it and following the instructions. You can get a copy at http://freetoolsandtips.com/wso/

Keep trying, it's always toughest before you 'break through'!!

~Mike Cowles. <><

[Barry Davis]

Probably not a huge issue with some, but "loosing" should be "losing."

Barry

[Bruce Wedding]

Originally Posted by Ray Abraham

My goal is to get a constant 10-20 sales per month, but I'm not sure if my sales copy is decent enough.

Please help me get closer to my goal... copywriting is just not my stuff

So, just to clarify... you want copywriters to take time out of their schedule to rewrite your copy for free. And our motivation is to get YOU closer to YOUR goal of 10-20 sales per month.

And the best part is, you charge for your product, which helps gamers get closer to their goal of being better at games.

Is that about right?

Here's a tip for you. One of the first rules of copy is, "What's in it for me?"

I'm looking real hard and I'm coming up with a big fat zero.

[Ray Abraham]

write-stuff, AnarchyAds
Thanks a lot for your time and effort.
Very much appreciate it.

mikecowles
Thanks for the encouragement

Collette
Sorry, I forgot to mention... I'm not up to another WSO for this product.
The sales page will be for the mass (targetting gamers and parents).
I'll use article and video marketing to drive traffic to the offer.

Raydal, Barry Davis
Thanks for the suggestions.

Bruce Wedding

Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding

So, just to clarify... you want copywriters to take time out of their schedule to rewrite your copy for free. And our motivation is to get YOU closer to YOUR goal of 10-20 sales per month.

And the best part is, you charge for your product, which helps gamers get closer to their goal of being better at games.

Is that about right?

Here's a tip for you. One of the first rules of copy is, "What's in it for me?"

I'm looking real hard and I'm coming up with a big fat zero.

I got 2 PM's already, each offering their paid copywriting service.
Annoying, yes... but at least they're POLITE (and gave me a REAL tip first).
With that attitude, you'll be the last person on earth I refer to
when people ask me about copywriting.


Ray

[skinnye]

The whole page is confusing, needs completely rewritten. I'm just being honest, People will not buy a product when they have to break a code just to figure out what it is. Make it simple, short and to the point with proper english.

for instance this line: We try our best to keep the smiles on our customers' faces..............

If you just ditch the word our its much easier to read since you already used it at the beginning of the sentence and ditch the word try and best.

try this instead: We keep smiles on customers' faces ......

[Bruce Wedding]

Originally Posted by Ray Abraham

write-stuff, AnarchyAds

Bruce Wedding

I got 2 PM's already, each offering their paid copywriting service.
Annoying, yes... but at least they're POLITE (and gave me a REAL tip first).
With that attitude, you'll be the last person on earth I refer to
when people ask me about copywriting.

As long as you promise to bring a can of soup to the shelter, I'll be ok.