Help me make this more compelling!

[Sarah Russell]

Okay, copywriting Warriors... I humbly acknowledge that I suck at copywriting, and hope that you can spare a few moments to help me make this copy more compelling. Thank you thank you thank you in advance for any feedback you have to offer!

Basically, my business partner and I are launching a product based off an eight-week case study we did where we took beginning affiliate marketers through the entire process of launching and growing a website.

I'm going to be announcing the product on Thursday, and want the text to be as compelling as possible. Here's what I've got so far...

==============================

"Okay, so I know I've been dragging this out for a few weeks, but I'm finally ready to make that big announcement I've been promising you guys!

Drumroll, please…

As my regular readers know, my business partner Jon Alford and I spent the months of March and April coaching a group of beginning internet marketers on how to start an affiliate niche site from the ground up. We covered just about everything - from selecting a winning niche and keywords to choosing a site structure and optimizing content to actually promoting the site and getting traffic to it.

Throughout the entire eight weeks of what came to be known as the 2011 Community Marketing Challenge, we posted our results here for everyone to see. But what you might not know is that there was a ton more information being shared behind the scenes as well.

We developed a course guide for participants with weekly assignments and recommended resources...

We held weekly webinars where we shared information and answered questions...

We even built a forum that resulted in hundreds of posts - all full of great questions and answers to the biggest questions newbie internet marketers face...

But up until now, we haven't made this information available to the general public. And quite frankly, I think that's a shame, as just about any internet business owner - whether new or experienced - could benefit from the information we generated through the Challenge.

So today, I'm pleased to introduce the 2011 Community Marketing Challenge Course!
The Course will contain the exact information Jon and I shared with the CMC participants that helped them to get new affiliate marketing minisites up and running in eight weeks, complete with affiliate promotions and traffic coming in. If you've been struggling to gain traction with your internet marketing business, please read on...

When you purchase the Course, you'll get:

*Access to over four hours of video footage from the eight weekly webinars Jon and I held with the CMC participants.

*Your very own copy of the CMC Participant Workbook which will show you the exact steps you need to take in order to get your own affiliate website up and running in eight simple steps.

*Transcripts of all the CMC forum posts (I'm not kidding when I say that this part of the course alone is worth hundreds and hundreds of dollars in terms of the information shared).

*My special summary notes that include the lessons learned from the Challenge (and which cover the one thing that every new affiliate marketer absolutely must know to avoid failure!).

Jon and I put a lot of effort into making this a complete program that will help anyone get a site up and running quickly, but we know that not every program is right for every marketer. So here's who the 2011 Community Marketing Challenge Course isn’t right for:

*Experienced internet marketers who have a defined step-by-step plan for building (and succeeding with) affiliate marketing websites.

*Affiliate marketers who are completely satisfied with the results they’re achieving with their websites, whether in terms of sales, conversions or visitors.

*Anyone who's already generating the kind of passive income that allows them to pursue their dreams and live the lives they want.

If you don’t fall into one of the above categories (and you’d desperately like to!), the 2011 Community Marketing Challenge Course is right for you!

If you've spent any time at all around Common Sense Marketing, you know that I love helping people start and succeed with the businesses that will change their lives - whether it's earning extra income to pay down debt or even quitting the mind-numbing, soul-sucking day jobs that are ruining their lives.

So rest assured that when I say with complete confidence that this program represents one of the most comprehensive guides to creating passive income generating affiliate marketing websites, I’m not just blowing smoke in your faces! I’m incredibly proud of the content Jon and I have put together, and I know you’re going to love it.

The 2011 Community Marketing Challenge Course will officially launch on Tuesday, June 13th and will retail for $47. Quite frankly, I think that’s a steal for the amount of valuable content you’ll be getting, but for a limited number of early buyers, Jon and I will be releasing the course at a special launch price of just $27!

If you already belong to my email list, you’ll get a copy of this coupon code automatically. If not, complete the form below to get your copy of the special launch coupon code:

[opt in form]

Hope to see you on the inside!

Sarah Russell
Common Sense Marketing"

==============================

Again - thank you for anyone who's made it all the way through. I really appreciate your feedback!

[Ken_Caudill]

Sorry, there's not much I don't like about it. It's honest, believable and well-written.

So shoot me.

[Steve The Copywriter]

Sarah,

I have to agree - it's wonderfully honest, oozes credibility and is very well written. And the "offer" is stacked with value.

It's great copy.

If I was going to be pedantic - you used "quite frankly" twice (hardly a sin).

And just so you know - you do not suck at copywriting.

Steve

[Sarah Russell]

Wow - thanks guys I do a lot of work as a ghostwriter, so sometimes it's hard for me to get out the "informative" tone and into the "persuasive" tone. Glad to hear I don't suck as much as I think I do!

[Daniel Scott]

I'm guessing this is for a web page, seeing as you have an opt-in box. And based on the copy I'm guessing it's a link from existing lists you have to get them on the pre-launch list for this new product.

So obviously, you need a headline, which could be very important here. Also, think about putting in a P.S. for the skimmers - it's apparently the second most read part of a sales letter (the headline being the first).

Finally, I wouldn't disclose the price just yet. Leave that until they get on the actual sales page and you build the value and make them salivate like crazy.

That's more big-picture stuff than technical copy tricks, but still important.

And one last thing...

Your copy was excellent. In addition to what the above posters have said, I'll add your letter has a great sense of flow... you (perhaps unconsciously) use a lot of copywriting tricks most people completely miss.

In short, you're not just competent, you're damn talented. So don't ever worry about your copy chops, because you've got them in spades.

If you knew me, you'd know I never give praise without meaning it, and I'm usually pretty hard on people. So when I say you have written a great piece here... rest assured I mean it.

-Daniel

[AdwordsMogul]

I don't know...

Your regular readers and people familiar with your work may go for it.

However, if you are exposing this to cold traffic, you might not get the greatest results.

That's because the copy assumes a lot.

It's not credible enough. Why?

Because it really doesn't say why anyone should listen to you. Picture a guy who has never come across what you do. There is absolutely no reason for them to buy or opt in.

If your visitor is not ready to purchase, they don't need a coupon.

So:

For people who know you... maybe.

For cold traffic... it still needs work. Possibly with great testimonials there will be some results.

Plus, you are not talking money. This copy seems to be focused on the product - not the results. As in, how much money can be made, how easy it is, how fast.

It's a bit vague - are you saying someone who is a beginner will understand what you are selling? That they will see the value?

Now, if you put this copy against competition - it's weak.

The other posters say they can see the value - well, I'm not sure if "cold" visitors will.

What kind of results have you had with this copy?

[AdwordsMogul]

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

... Leave that until they get on the actual sales page and you build the value and make them salivate like crazy.

....

Ok, so without the value having been built, does it still qualify as great copy?

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

...
Your copy was excellent. In addition to what the above posters have said, I'll add your letter has a great sense of flow... you (perhaps unconsciously) use a lot of copywriting tricks most people completely miss.

In short, you're not just competent, you're damn talented. So don't ever worry about your copy chops, because you've got them in spades.

-Daniel

I'm really confused...

What's excellent about this copy?

The writing is good, but the salesmanship isn't.

Am I missing something?

[Sarah Russell]

@Daniel Scott & AdwordsMogul - Thank you both for the feedback, it's much appreciated

To clarify, this is just a blog post announcement for my regular readers (I'm working up to tackling the full sales letter for cold traffic). So the people who are reading it know me, my work, and might even know something about the Challenge, since we posted weekly results updates on my site.

@Daniel - One of the reasons for putting the price in at this point is so that people know how much of a discount they're getting from signing up for the pre-launch list. How would you handle that without showing the price right away?

@AdwordsMogul - The copy is new, so it hasn't been tested yet. Would your advice change knowing that it's targeted more towards regular readers?

Thanks again!

[Daniel Scott]

Originally Posted by AdwordsMogul

Am I missing something?

In my opinion, yes... you are.

This isn't meant for cold traffic. It's targeted at prior readers.

So for a start, there's the expectation of a certain style.

Secondly, the email was compelling, it built a story, and it had plenty of benefits.

Remember, it's a prelaunch blog post, so it doesn't have to sell. Just segment the list and begin to build curiosity.

If you didn't realize its purpose, then I can totally understand why you thought it sucked.

Sarah, I'd advise you to simply say "plus, when you sign up here, I'll send you info on how you can get your hands on this at a huge discount" or whatever. No need to put the price in just yet.

One thing you might consider doing is teasing a little more, building a little more curiosity. Of course, that might be a stylistic thing coming through, but I really think it couldn't hurt.

-Daniel

[AdwordsMogul]

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

In my opinion, yes... you are.

This isn't meant for cold traffic.

...

Secondly, the email was compelling, it built a story, and it had plenty of benefits.

Remember, it's a prelaunch blog post, so it doesn't have to sell. Just segment the list and begin to build curiosity.

If you didn't realize its purpose, then I can totally understand why you thought it sucked.

...
-Daniel

If it's asking for money, it has to sell. Period. Doesn't matter what it is.

Even if it's for regular readers, I would say you still have to be more specific. You want it to be more compelling, so think about what they want.

What's the "magic pill" they think you have?

@Daniel, I never said the copy sucked. Those are your words.

I really can't see any specific benefits in the copy. To be honest, I can't see even ONE strong, compelling benefit. Not one.

[Sarah Russell]

@AdwordsMogul - Knowing that it's a product thats composed of video training, workbooks and forum post transcripts answering common questions, what would you consider to be the primary benefit? I'm still learning how to sell via features vs benefits and all that.

Thanks!

[AdwordsMogul]

What you just mentioned are bare features (video training etc.)

When you mention them by themselves, they have no meaning. They could be for anything - weight loss, gambling, growing roses.

Benefits are specific results one gets from using your products. Now, I haven't seen your program, so I don't what the benefits are. So here are some examples, off the top of my head. You can tailor them to what you've got.

I've written them in a way you might have them in sales copy, as bullets.

Example 1

3-Step Auto Cash Formula that you can apply immediately (the first video shows you how to set up your first campaign in 3 easy steps. You will be ready to go in less than 15 minutes. Here is the best part: this technique needs no upfront investment!)

Example 2

How to find profitable niches in your sleep (this program includes software that finds profitable markets on autopilot! Just put in your keywords before you go to bed, wake up and use the report to make money)

Example 3

Never worry about features vs benefits again (This secret report gives you the key to writing benefit-rich sales copy. You are about to receive the key to cashing in with your sales copy.)

Before any one jumps on my case: example 1 - you can do it with youtube, facebook, a free blog and a click bank account.

Example 2 - hmm... sounds like market samurai

Example 3 - I think I will write that tomorrow!

Sarah, here is what you need to do:

1) Go through your products and testimonials

2) Find 10 - 50 (or more) specific results that can be achieved with your program

3) Use the best ones as the back bone of your sales copy.

You need to extract the "magic pill" a.k.a your USP. Then base your marketing on that.

[Ken_Caudill]

Originally Posted by AdwordsMogul

If it's asking for money, it has to sell. Period. Doesn't matter what it is.

Even if it's for regular readers, I would say you still have to be more specific. You want it to be more compelling, so think about what they want.

What's the "magic pill" they think you have?

@Daniel, I never said the copy sucked. Those are your words.

I really can't see any specific benefits in the copy. To be honest, I can't see even ONE strong, compelling benefit. Not one.

Magic pills don't stay sold.

They're not really magic, you know.

[JRCarson]

(Said in helpful, gentle tones)

I think there needs to be more credibility....

The best way to do this, always, is show proof of what happened. There's no mention of what actually happened, other than you taught people and documented it.

-Did people make money? Show proof somehow (testimonials, exerpt from a forum post, etc)

-Did people get traffic to their sites?

-Did people have fun and learn a lot? (show it)

-How many people were there? Are there compelling stats of how many people were successful? or...?

There's just no proof of anything, right?

[LaunchBrain.com]

Here's a general tip Sarah, something I learnt from Drayton Bird. When you want to make something more exciting, go and find people that are NOT in your market to them. Get them to read it and ask them what they would do to make it more compelling etc

[AdwordsMogul]

Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill

Magic pills don't stay sold.

They're not really magic, you know.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

Originally Posted by JRCarson

(Said in helpful, gentle tones)

I think there needs to be more credibility....

The best way to do this, always, is show proof of what happened. There's no mention of what actually happened, other than you taught people and documented it.

-Did people make money? Show proof somehow (testimonials, exerpt from a forum post, etc)

-Did people get traffic to their sites?

-Did people have fun and learn a lot? (show it)

-How many people were there? Are there compelling stats of how many people were successful? or...?

There's just no proof of anything, right?

Exactly! This is what I mean by specifics.

Without these elements it's harder to sell anything.

Thanks for putting it so eloquently, JRCarson.

[Sarah Russell]

Thanks so much for all the feedback, you guys! I'm going with something similar as the above listing, but spiced up with a few quotes and data points from participants (just for the warm launch). I'll be putting something together for the separate sales page later on, so I might be back with more questions then...

Thanks again!