Landing Page thoughts?

[MichaelG469]

This is my first attempt to "pre-sell" an affiliate product. I'm interested to see where I can improve my copy.
Does it make you WANT to buy or at least see some more?
Do you understand what I'm selling?
Do the fonts and colors work?

I'm looking to improve, and I know the warrior forum never lets me down.

How To Make Solar Panels

[Mark Andrews]

Domain trademark infringement first. (eHow)

Header is far too large, taking up what valuable real estate you want to be using to best effect above the fold.

Weak as gnats piss the headline. Where, what is the benefit in this?... "This is the SECRET that YOU have been looking for." What does this say? Diddly fat squat that's what.

Far too much text below.

Needs to be reworked completely from scratch Michael. It's a non converter.

What more needs to be said?

Out of 10? -10

[ewenmack]

Sigh...another bland one.

What's happened to the good old tease...you know the stuff
that pumps endorphines into the brain.

Go study this tease page Crypto Marketing Newsletter

See how he starts off each bullet, then dials up the tension.

He's merciless in tickling your hot buttons.

I say we need to start up a campaign for "Bring Back The Tease".

Best,
Ewen

[MichaelG469]

Originally Posted by ewenmack

Sigh...another bland one.

What's happened to the good old tease...you know the stuff
that pumps endorphines into the brain.

Go study this tease page Crypto Marketing Newsletter

See how he starts off each bullet, then dials up the tension.

He's merciless in tickling your hot buttons.

I say we need to start up a campaign for "Bring Back The Tease".

Best,
Ewen

Looking for something short and sweet, it took me 2 minutes just to get to the end of that page. Thanks for the feedback though.

[MRMagMark]

Here's a great example of including a benefit in the headline. It also helps to have a quantifiable figure.

Since I'm still new, you'll need to search this one on your own:

Search: Inversion Table
The result that has "Lose the back pain" in its URL is the one you want.

With your fonts, make a few key phrases and words in bold. When you have long copy, you need to mix it up so it doesn't look so intimidating to the reader.

You have some great options with the product. "Green" can be a huge selling point but I don't see it emphasized elsewhere in your copy other than your website header.

You did a good job with your eBook title. That interested me more.

[MRMagMark]

Originally Posted by MichaelG469

Looking for something short and sweet, it took me 2 minutes just to get to the end of that page. Thanks for the feedback though.

Okay. I was going to comment about how long copy sells but then I clicked your "Click Here Now" button and was brought to a beautifully designed page with some great copy.

If your goal is to steer people toward that second page; and you want to keep it "short and sweet," why not tell a compelling story? Tell a story about how you were tired of high electricity bills and was almost ready to head to the woods and live as a hermit UNTIL a friend introduced you to solar panels.

You could then describe how your life is so much easier now/more enjoyable/more economical, etc. and then say something that would cause the reader to click that big red button "to find out more."

There is very little on your first page that connects with my irritation and frustration with high electricity bills. Who's the enemy here? Find the enemy and get on the side of your reader. That kind of copy ALWAYS sucks me in!

[ewenmack]

Originally Posted by MichaelG469

Looking for something short and sweet, it took me 2 minutes just to get to the end of that page. Thanks for the feedback though.

Tease is tease, no matter how long it is used for.

That was my point.

You want short tease...?

Great, because it's better than none.

Best,
Ewen

[ltrain_riders]

It looks "cheap". I didn't even bother to read it because the look of it alone didn't catch my attention.

[MichaelG469]

Originally Posted by MRMagMark

Okay. I was going to comment about how long copy sells but then I clicked your "Click Here Now" button and was brought to a beautifully designed page with some great copy.

If your goal is to steer people toward that second page; and you want to keep it "short and sweet," why not tell a compelling story? Tell a story about how you were tired of high electricity bills and was almost ready to head to the woods and live as a hermit UNTIL a friend introduced you to solar panels.

You could then describe how your life is so much easier now/more enjoyable/more economical, etc. and then say something that would cause the reader to click that big red button "to find out more."

There is very little on your first page that connects with my irritation and frustration with high electricity bills. Who's the enemy here? Find the enemy and get on the side of your reader. That kind of copy ALWAYS sucks me in!

Awesome suggestion on the story...I'll definately get something prepared and I'll split test with it I think!

Thank you for your input.

[Mark Andrews]

Good to see you making adjustments on the fly.

Still a great deal of improvement though to carry out on this piece.

Your main headline still sucks and not in the way you want it to.

And your first sentence Michael. Tell me. Tell us...

What is the purpose of your first sentence?

You can now save THOUSANDS of dollars off the retail price of solar panels by learning how to make them yourself at home for under $150.

[MichaelG469]

Originally Posted by 99DollarCopywriting

Good to see you making adjustments on the fly.

Still a great deal of improvement though to carry out on this piece.

Your main headline still sucks and not in the way you want it to.

And your first sentence Michael. Tell me. Tell us...

What is the purpose of your first sentence?

You can now save THOUSANDS of dollars off the retail price of solar panels by learning how to make them yourself at home for under $150.

Instead of paying $2000+ retail for solar panels, you can build them yourself for $150 (hence huge savings).

I'm not sure that I understand your question. Unless, I'm just totally off here.

[Mark Andrews]

The purpose of your first sentence Michael...

Is to get the reader to read the second sentence. You want these potential buyers sliding down your slippery sales funnel. And in doing so turn their frustration and pain into pleasure.

It really needs to be no longer than 6-8 words.

You don't want to overwhelm your visitors with too much information instantly.

Your first paragraph is a hell of a mouthful.

Also this first sentence on your current page, it contains a major benefit. Why not make something out of this for your main headline, your irresistible hook to command the attention of your readers?

Just a suggestion...

"100% FREE Electricity For Life
A SizZzzling Hot Offer Below..."

[Bruce NewMedia]

This looks familiar, didn't you have this up for critiques before? ..anyway, I'd agree with Ewen, it doesn't show any passion. Boring. Also, his advice to study Ben Settle is worth heeding....knows (and shows) how to build anticipation.
_____
Bruce

[holyfood]

Landing page is known an lead capture page . It is used for online marketing basically it is display as a directed sales copy that is a logical extension. Landing pages are often linked to from social media email campaigns or search Engine marketting