Sales copy thoughts please?

michaelwilding · 06-11-2011, 03:12 AM

Hey guys, would it be possible to get some of your expert thoughts on the sales copy I have put up on RA Tipsters - Horse Racing Tipsters I am learning about copy writing but still very new so all feedback is appreciated.

Dean Jackson · 06-11-2011, 07:39 AM

I scanned over it, but the copy actually looks pretty good.

I think you should use a few more graphical proof elements and maybe make your guarantee stand out more. Other than that, it's really good for a first go

jasondinner · 06-11-2011, 08:07 AM

I agree with Dean that you did a great job considering this is your first stab at it.

3 things caught my attention, but nothing major (well one major issue)

1. Your headline could be a little stronger and more specific.

Right now it says: "Here's A Quick Way To Become Successful And Make Incredible Profits Month After Month!"

Successful at what? State exactly what they will be successful at. In your example it's horse betting.

Exactly how quick is quick? Is it in as little as 24 hours? My first 5 bets? etc.

And with regard to profits, what is considered incredible? What's the average margin or ROI that you and/or your customers are seeing following your system?

By replacing "Quick" with a specific time and "Incredible Profits" with a realistic number you and your customers see, your headline will be much stronger without being unbelievable.

2. Your Add To Cart button could do you better if you had it in a Johnson Box restating the offer in agreement terms so when you're prospect reads it, it is as if they are saying it.

Yes Michael! I want to start seeing XX% Profits in XX time like you and your students following your horse betting system.

* I understand that by doing what the small % of the most successful betters do, I will have the same success as them
* I also understand that by investing in your system, that all of the risk is on you because I have 30 days to try out your system risk free and if for any reason I don't think its for me, i can get my money back simply by contacting you.
* Bla bla bla

3. This is the MAJOR ONE that needs changing ASAP before you start driving traffic and probably the easiest one to fix out of them all...

When I click on your add to cart button, the exit splash box shows up and this is a big NO NO. That should only show when trying to leave the site. So you need to change your settings on that or it's gonna KILL your conversions.

And as always - TEST EVERYTHING. Don't take these suggestions as gospel, but only as suggestions.

But I would try them if I were you

Especially #3 ASAP

- Jason

travlinguy · 06-11-2011, 08:36 AM

Just looked briefly. Your headline is weak but this isn't. It's the second line in the copy. I'd go with it:

If you’ve ever wanted to catapult your betting to dizzying heights of success…while still understanding how the winners are found…then this will be the most important message you ever read.

Good luck.

ewenmack · 06-11-2011, 01:43 PM

Hi Michael,

I believe we can do better with the headline and sub-headline.

I'm doing this by using a very successful ad structure.

The ad was "When Doctors Fell Rotten, This Is What They Do"

For your ad, we replace "doctors" with the top bettors because that is what they aspire to be.

In the sub-headline below, we use social proof with a short testomonial.

Here's how it looks...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Bettors Want To Be In The Elite 2% Of Winners, This Is What They Do

“The results have been frankly beyond expectations…"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's the ad headline I would use to test.

It is the same structure I'm using to beat one that has stood up against strong testing for the last 5 years.

Best,
Ewen

P.S.
If those elements that Jason has stated are not in your ad, then they should be.

Paul Bottoms · 06-11-2011, 07:26 PM

I'm not sure what context this copy is being used. Is this site (ratipsers) only for
horse racing fans. I see the logo with the horse so maybe it is. But I'd make it clearer in your copy that you ARE talking about playing the ponies even if it is just a site for horse bettors. One way might be using phrases that have a horse racing connection (going to the track, ect. )

Also since what you are selling is a tip service, what tracks are covered? I'd mention
that as well.

You don't make your expert sound big enough to me. Sounds like you just picked some buddy or something. Or at least one of many people available. Make him bigger, more the star of the show. Or at least that's my take.

michaelwilding · 06-12-2011, 11:58 AM

Thanks for the advice guys, it is great. I am implementing some of the changes right now and shall get back to you on how they developed.

MrBusiness · 06-12-2011, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by michaelwilding

Thanks for the advice guys, it is great. I am implementing some of the changes right now and shall get back to you on how they developed.

Let us know how you get on, im sure other people aswell as myself would be interested to hear the results

michaelwilding · 06-12-2011, 12:32 PM

I definitely shall. I am actually going to moving the website over to its own address so that the sales letter can be adjusted to purely focus on Darren and use the RA Tipsters site as the management of the service. I have made some initial changes and will move the website over during the week.

rainmaker4u · 06-12-2011, 03:26 PM

I totally agree with Jason - nice copy critique! And Ewen's idea for headline testing - and the formula he uses is also a strong one. Really enjoying reading the posts and feedback - which are useful for anyone writing copy.

suprawow · 06-14-2011, 02:01 AM

so many people~~~

michaelwilding · 06-20-2011, 05:06 PM

Hi guys, I have implemented some of the suggestions but done a complete re-write of the copy on a new site. Error Page | Hudsons Best Bets looking forward to hearing your thoughts and criticism.

Jake Gray · 06-20-2011, 06:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by michaelwilding

Hi guys, I have implemented some of the suggestions but done a complete re-write of the copy on a new site. Error Page | Hudsons Best Bets looking forward to hearing your thoughts and criticism.

Membership only though.

michaelwilding · 06-21-2011, 02:09 AM

Whoops, big mistake. Should be viewable now.

ThomasOMalley · 06-21-2011, 06:21 PM

Your headline and subhead are still very weak...very vague.

Your first paragraph has no pulling power. You will lose many readers there.

Re-write your headline, and subhead and first paragraph if you want this to work.

The storytelling approach for your copy is an excellent idea.

Study some of the first paragraphs in Halbert's ads and sales letters in which he is using the storytelling approach...that's a great way to go.

Best,

Thomas O'Malley

michaelwilding · 06-22-2011, 02:25 AM

Thanks, re-working.

michaelwilding · 06-22-2011, 06:40 AM

New first paragraph, is it any better?

06-11-2011, 03:12 AM	#1
michaelwilding HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: London Posts: 132 Thanks: 16 Thanked 11 Times in 9 Posts	Sales copy thoughts please? Hey guys, would it be possible to get some of your expert thoughts on the sales copy I have put up on RA Tipsters - Horse Racing Tipsters I am learning about copy writing but still very new so all feedback is appreciated.

06-11-2011, 07:39 AM	#2
Dean Jackson Killer Copywriting War Room Member Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 767 Thanks: 298 Thanked 212 Times in 129 Posts	Re: Sales copy thoughts please? I scanned over it, but the copy actually looks pretty good. I think you should use a few more graphical proof elements and maybe make your guarantee stand out more. Other than that, it's really good for a first go
	NEW: CRAZIEST Copywriting offer ever offered on WF My top student WILL make your sales go BANANAS! -> Click Here To Check It Out [Spots Going FAST!]

06-11-2011, 08:07 AM	#3
jasondinner Balla Ass Marketer :P War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Long Island, NY USA. Posts: 1,524 Thanks: 233 Thanked 153 Times in 114 Posts Social Networking	Re: Sales copy thoughts please? I agree with Dean that you did a great job considering this is your first stab at it. 3 things caught my attention, but nothing major (well one major issue) 1. Your headline could be a little stronger and more specific. Right now it says: "Here's A Quick Way To Become Successful And Make Incredible Profits Month After Month!" Successful at what? State exactly what they will be successful at. In your example it's horse betting. Exactly how quick is quick? Is it in as little as 24 hours? My first 5 bets? etc. And with regard to profits, what is considered incredible? What's the average margin or ROI that you and/or your customers are seeing following your system? By replacing "Quick" with a specific time and "Incredible Profits" with a realistic number you and your customers see, your headline will be much stronger without being unbelievable. 2. Your Add To Cart button could do you better if you had it in a Johnson Box restating the offer in agreement terms so when you're prospect reads it, it is as if they are saying it. Yes Michael! I want to start seeing XX% Profits in XX time like you and your students following your horse betting system. * I understand that by doing what the small % of the most successful betters do, I will have the same success as them * I also understand that by investing in your system, that all of the risk is on you because I have 30 days to try out your system risk free and if for any reason I don't think its for me, i can get my money back simply by contacting you. * Bla bla bla 3. This is the MAJOR ONE that needs changing ASAP before you start driving traffic and probably the easiest one to fix out of them all... When I click on your add to cart button, the exit splash box shows up and this is a big NO NO. That should only show when trying to leave the site. So you need to change your settings on that or it's gonna KILL your conversions. And as always - TEST EVERYTHING. Don't take these suggestions as gospel, but only as suggestions. But I would try them if I were you Especially #3 ASAP - Jason
	My Blog => http://JasonDinner.com Become my Facebook Fan => http://JasonDinnerFanPage.com

06-11-2011, 08:36 AM	#4
travlinguy Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Northern Hemisphere, for now. Posts: 2,937 Thanks: 1,315 Thanked 1,634 Times in 955 Posts Contact Info	Re: Sales copy thoughts please? Just looked briefly. Your headline is weak but this isn't. It's the second line in the copy. I'd go with it: If you’ve ever wanted to catapult your betting to dizzying heights of success…while still understanding how the winners are found…then this will be the most important message you ever read. Good luck.
	How To Launch A Successful WSO \| WSO Of The Day \| 2941 Power Swipes To Improve Your Writing!

06-11-2011, 01:43 PM	#5
ewenmack Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Auckland, New Zealand Posts: 2,092 Thanks: 790 Thanked 1,027 Times in 558 Posts	Re: Sales copy thoughts please? Hi Michael, I believe we can do better with the headline and sub-headline. I'm doing this by using a very successful ad structure. The ad was "When Doctors Fell Rotten, This Is What They Do" For your ad, we replace "doctors" with the top bettors because that is what they aspire to be. In the sub-headline below, we use social proof with a short testomonial. Here's how it looks... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When Bettors Want To Be In The Elite 2% Of Winners, This Is What They Do “The results have been frankly beyond expectations…" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That's the ad headline I would use to test. It is the same structure I'm using to beat one that has stood up against strong testing for the last 5 years. Best, Ewen P.S. If those elements that Jason has stated are not in your ad, then they should be.

06-11-2011, 07:26 PM	#6
Paul Bottoms Copywriter Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 4 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: Sales copy thoughts please? I'm not sure what context this copy is being used. Is this site (ratipsers) only for horse racing fans. I see the logo with the horse so maybe it is. But I'd make it clearer in your copy that you ARE talking about playing the ponies even if it is just a site for horse bettors. One way might be using phrases that have a horse racing connection (going to the track, ect. ) Also since what you are selling is a tip service, what tracks are covered? I'd mention that as well. You don't make your expert sound big enough to me. Sounds like you just picked some buddy or something. Or at least one of many people available. Make him bigger, more the star of the show. Or at least that's my take.

06-12-2011, 11:58 AM	#7
michaelwilding HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: London Posts: 132 Thanks: 16 Thanked 11 Times in 9 Posts	Re: Sales copy thoughts please? Thanks for the advice guys, it is great. I am implementing some of the changes right now and shall get back to you on how they developed.

06-12-2011, 12:32 PM	#9
michaelwilding HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: London Posts: 132 Thanks: 16 Thanked 11 Times in 9 Posts	Re: Sales copy thoughts please? I definitely shall. I am actually going to moving the website over to its own address so that the sales letter can be adjusted to purely focus on Darren and use the RA Tipsters site as the management of the service. I have made some initial changes and will move the website over during the week.

06-12-2011, 03:26 PM	#10
rainmaker4u Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: French Riviera Posts: 23 Thanks: 55 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts Social Networking	Re: Sales copy thoughts please? I totally agree with Jason - nice copy critique! And Ewen's idea for headline testing - and the formula he uses is also a strong one. Really enjoying reading the posts and feedback - which are useful for anyone writing copy.

06-14-2011, 02:01 AM	#11
suprawow Warrior Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 1 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Sales copy thoughts please? so many people~~~
	*Supra Vaider Shoes. Supra Skytop Shoes*.

06-20-2011, 05:06 PM	#12
michaelwilding HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: London Posts: 132 Thanks: 16 Thanked 11 Times in 9 Posts	Re: Sales copy thoughts please? Hi guys, I have implemented some of the suggestions but done a complete re-write of the copy on a new site. Error Page \| Hudsons Best Bets looking forward to hearing your thoughts and criticism.

06-21-2011, 02:09 AM	#14
michaelwilding HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: London Posts: 132 Thanks: 16 Thanked 11 Times in 9 Posts	Re: Sales copy thoughts please? Whoops, big mistake. Should be viewable now.

06-21-2011, 06:21 PM	#15
ThomasOMalley HyperActive Warrior Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 264 Thanks: 8 Thanked 78 Times in 66 Posts	Re: Sales copy thoughts please? Your headline and subhead are still very weak...very vague. Your first paragraph has no pulling power. You will lose many readers there. Re-write your headline, and subhead and first paragraph if you want this to work. The storytelling approach for your copy is an excellent idea. Study some of the first paragraphs in Halbert's ads and sales letters in which he is using the storytelling approach...that's a great way to go. Best, Thomas O'Malley

06-22-2011, 02:25 AM	#16
michaelwilding HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: London Posts: 132 Thanks: 16 Thanked 11 Times in 9 Posts	Re: Sales copy thoughts please? Thanks, re-working.

06-22-2011, 06:40 AM	#17
michaelwilding HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: London Posts: 132 Thanks: 16 Thanked 11 Times in 9 Posts	Re: Sales copy thoughts please? New first paragraph, is it any better?