Kind of an Awkward Copy Review Request

rlhurst · 06-11-2011, 10:27 AM

"Awkward" because my site is a service aimed at YOU!!
I'm planning on posting in "Warriors For Hire" section soon, but first wanted to get things as tight as possible. Would you please review my site (in sig), and share any suggestions you might have for improvement? Thanks!

travlinguy · 06-11-2011, 12:02 PM

I feel the video is very good. I listened first, because I wanted to hear your voice. You come across very well. I stayed for only about one third of the presentation because I'm not really a prospect and I got enough to comment to you. You might consider condensing the message. I'd have watched the whole thing if it were shorter, maybe half of what it is now.

Where you're falling a bit short is with the written call to action. I think you could explain more. You might have done that in the video but I didn't get that far. Again, maybe make it a little shorter and incorporate your call to action there. Since your pitch is to copywriters, that would be an excellent way to show them you've got the stuff. Good luck.

Avery Berman · 06-11-2011, 12:19 PM

Your squeeze doesn't look clean enough. There is web design issues. Here look.. I made you a video:

text2mp3review - Avenator's library

rlhurst · 06-11-2011, 12:42 PM

Thanks Travlinguy, I appreciate your feedback! My strong point (from what others have told me) is my voice. Now, I'm in the process of learning how to market it, and my offer, effectively. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Avery..... WOW! Thanks for taking the time to present the video feedback. That was terrific. You don't have to apologize for your directness. It is GREATLY appreciated as I want to improve. And, it looks like I have a lot to improve on. One hears, "you get what you pay for". My squeeze design is a Fiverr product. In my zeal to "take action", I wanted to do just that...take action. Fortunately the lesson only cost me $5!!

I'll have to do some looking around for an effective squeeze design, or someone who can provide one..... any recommendations, Avery?

And then, improve on the copy.......... so I'm sure I'll be back here for that!

Avery Berman · 06-11-2011, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rlhurst

Thanks Travlinguy, I appreciate your feedback! My strong point (from what others have told me) is my voice. Now, I'm in the process of learning how to market it, and my offer, effectively. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Avery..... WOW! Thanks for taking the time to present the video feedback. That was terrific. You don't have to apologize for your directness. It is GREATLY appreciated as I want to improve. And, it looks like I have a lot to improve on. One hears, "you get what you pay for". My squeeze design is a Fiverr product. In my zeal to "take action", I wanted to do just that...take action. Fortunately the lesson only cost me $5!!

I'll have to do some looking around for an effective squeeze design, or someone who can provide one..... any recommendations, Avery?

And then, improve on the copy.......... so I'm sure I'll be back here for that!

I'm glad you appreciated it. Sometimes it's hard to be TOO blunt with people because you just think you are attacking them when that is not the case.

I actually do have some pretty good recommendations about squeeze pages...

I'll send you a PM.

Bruce NewMedia · 06-11-2011, 01:18 PM

Ronnie, I think for an initial effort it's not bad at all.

I'd agree with the earlier suggestions, and Avery's video does point out some areas for improvement...

I'm raising something else here though: Since this is all about voice/sound quality, I detect just a bit of a dialect...maybe southern, Texas or something like that.

For those wanting a very straight midwestern sound for their recording, (say they are from the northeast, or midwest, for instance) you might try to demonstrate that you can speak with virtually no regional sound, if possible.

Don't take offense, as regional sounds go, southern is the best you can have, imo. :-)
....but I think displaying some versatility might also improve the offer.
_____
Bruce

rlhurst · 06-11-2011, 01:43 PM

Thanks Bruce. Well, I'm not a Southerner, but I write and record country music!

So, I'll keep your advice in mind. I did get an order from a guy in NY though.

So, I must be on the right track, LOL. Ronnie

UniqueMind · 06-11-2011, 02:01 PM

Hi Rlhurst,

Its impressive, and persuasive. The copywriting is awesome.

A personal suggestion would be to replace the 'DONT DELAY' to some other like 'Take Action NOW', its because I've studied NLP and negative suggestions such as dont, cant, etc actually aren't helpful in influencing and being persuasive, especially in marketing. A simple example of 'dont think of a black cat' ..explains it :-)

Overall, your sincere efforts are being shown and its a 10 on 10, so I wish you reach great heights with it.

Best,

rlhurst · 06-11-2011, 05:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UniqueMind

Hi Rlhurst,

Its impressive, and persuasive. The copywriting is awesome.

A personal suggestion would be to replace the 'DONT DELAY' to some other like 'Take Action NOW', its because I've studied NLP and negative suggestions such as dont, cant, etc actually aren't helpful in influencing and being persuasive, especially in marketing. A simple example of 'dont think of a black cat' ..explains it :-)

Overall, your sincere efforts are being shown and its a 10 on 10, so I wish you reach great heights with it.

Best,

Thanks for the encouraging words!

Mark Andrews · 06-11-2011, 06:45 PM

It needs tightening up - you have a tendency to waffle, just present the problem, share the benefit and close / direct the listener into the course of action required for the next step - all in 2 minutes or less.

Any longer and you've lost my attention. If you can get it below 1 minute even better.

Your domain name btw is hopeless, no offense. Nobody by text or audio is going to remember that one period. Letters, hyphens, numbers all mixed in together, everything there is to go wrong is wrong with the domain name. If you're going to brand yourself with this service, keep it simple, short and memorable. Five or six letters will do the trick, something pronounceable.

Best,

Pete

Alex Cohen · 06-11-2011, 07:22 PM

Hi Ronnie,

I don't believe the big idea of your sales pitch hits the sweet spot of your market. Marketers are not particularly concerned with the retention rate of the information communicated. Rather, they want to make sales.

I understand the 60% instead of 12% thing. However, you need to prove your claim... why the increased retention rate increases sales.

Instead of "retention rate" could you use "comprehension rate" or "conversion rate"? They would be more meaningful to marketers. Of course you'd still need to prove your claim.

Alex

rlhurst · 06-11-2011, 08:34 PM

Thanks for the honest replies Pete and Alex! I've made some changes to the copy on the site. I will continue to improve it. As long as I keep learning and moving forward, I'm satisfied.

06-11-2011, 10:27 AM	#1
rlhurst Custom Mobile Websites War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Oregon Posts: 513 Thanks: 35 Thanked 104 Times in 75 Posts Social Networking	Kind of an Awkward Copy Review Request "Awkward" because my site is a service aimed at YOU!! I'm planning on posting in "Warriors For Hire" section soon, but first wanted to get things as tight as possible. Would you please review my site (in sig), and share any suggestions you might have for improvement? Thanks!
	Custom Designed, From Scratch, Mobile Websites(Video) For You To Resell (not templates!) Click on Logo To View Samples(contact me for Warrior SPECIAL pricing info!)

06-11-2011, 12:02 PM	#2
travlinguy Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Northern Hemisphere, for now. Posts: 2,937 Thanks: 1,315 Thanked 1,634 Times in 955 Posts Contact Info	Re: Kind of an Awkward Copy Review Request I feel the video is very good. I listened first, because I wanted to hear your voice. You come across very well. I stayed for only about one third of the presentation because I'm not really a prospect and I got enough to comment to you. You might consider condensing the message. I'd have watched the whole thing if it were shorter, maybe half of what it is now. Where you're falling a bit short is with the written call to action. I think you could explain more. You might have done that in the video but I didn't get that far. Again, maybe make it a little shorter and incorporate your call to action there. Since your pitch is to copywriters, that would be an excellent way to show them you've got the stuff. Good luck.
	How To Launch A Successful WSO \| WSO Of The Day \| 2941 Power Swipes To Improve Your Writing!

06-11-2011, 12:19 PM	#3
Avery Berman PM me to chat War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: NY,USA. Posts: 845 Thanks: 7 Thanked 31 Times in 24 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Kind of an Awkward Copy Review Request Your squeeze doesn't look clean enough. There is web design issues. Here look.. I made you a video: text2mp3review - Avenator's library
	I made $10k in 16 days. Here's how.

06-11-2011, 12:42 PM	#4
rlhurst Custom Mobile Websites War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Oregon Posts: 513 Thanks: 35 Thanked 104 Times in 75 Posts Social Networking	Re: Kind of an Awkward Copy Review Request Thanks Travlinguy, I appreciate your feedback! My strong point (from what others have told me) is my voice. Now, I'm in the process of learning how to market it, and my offer, effectively. Thanks for taking the time to respond. Avery..... WOW! Thanks for taking the time to present the video feedback. That was terrific. You don't have to apologize for your directness. It is GREATLY appreciated as I want to improve. And, it looks like I have a lot to improve on. One hears, "you get what you pay for". My squeeze design is a Fiverr product. In my zeal to "take action", I wanted to do just that...take action. Fortunately the lesson only cost me $5!! I'll have to do some looking around for an effective squeeze design, or someone who can provide one..... any recommendations, Avery? And then, improve on the copy.......... so I'm sure I'll be back here for that!
	Custom Designed, From Scratch, Mobile Websites(Video) For You To Resell (not templates!) Click on Logo To View Samples(contact me for Warrior SPECIAL pricing info!)

06-11-2011, 01:18 PM	#6
Bruce NewMedia www.OfflineAdvance.com War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Chicago Posts: 2,179 Thanks: 1,514 Thanked 679 Times in 376 Posts	Re: Kind of an Awkward Copy Review Request Ronnie, I think for an initial effort it's not bad at all. I'd agree with the earlier suggestions, and Avery's video does point out some areas for improvement... I'm raising something else here though: Since this is all about voice/sound quality, I detect just a bit of a dialect...maybe southern, Texas or something like that. For those wanting a very straight midwestern sound for their recording, (say they are from the northeast, or midwest, for instance) you might try to demonstrate that you can speak with virtually no regional sound, if possible. Don't take offense, as regional sounds go, southern is the best you can have, imo. :-) ....but I think displaying some versatility might also improve the offer. _____ Bruce
	Mobile Marketer Tools - Offline Mobile Flyers Offline Scripts Close Deals- Offline Sales Scripts Facebook Leads HERE - Facebook Consulting $2,500 Fees - Online Reputation Repair

06-11-2011, 01:43 PM	#7
rlhurst Custom Mobile Websites War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Oregon Posts: 513 Thanks: 35 Thanked 104 Times in 75 Posts Social Networking	Re: Kind of an Awkward Copy Review Request Thanks Bruce. Well, I'm not a Southerner, but I write and record country music! So, I'll keep your advice in mind. I did get an order from a guy in NY though. So, I must be on the right track, LOL. Ronnie
	Custom Designed, From Scratch, Mobile Websites(Video) For You To Resell (not templates!) Click on Logo To View Samples(contact me for Warrior SPECIAL pricing info!)

06-11-2011, 02:01 PM	#8
UniqueMind Advanced Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 239 Thanks: 12 Thanked 5 Times in 5 Posts Contact Info	Re: Kind of an Awkward Copy Review Request Hi Rlhurst, Its impressive, and persuasive. The copywriting is awesome. A personal suggestion would be to replace the 'DONT DELAY' to some other like 'Take Action NOW', its because I've studied NLP and negative suggestions such as dont, cant, etc actually aren't helpful in influencing and being persuasive, especially in marketing. A simple example of 'dont think of a black cat' ..explains it :-) Overall, your sincere efforts are being shown and its a 10 on 10, so I wish you reach great heights with it. Best,
	Stay Inspired

06-11-2011, 06:45 PM	#10
Mark Andrews SmokingHotCopy@gmail.com War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: In Somebody Else's Shoes Posts: 1,685 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 1,587 Thanked 1,332 Times in 722 Posts Contact Info	Re: Kind of an Awkward Copy Review Request It needs tightening up - you have a tendency to waffle, just present the problem, share the benefit and close / direct the listener into the course of action required for the next step - all in 2 minutes or less. Any longer and you've lost my attention. If you can get it below 1 minute even better. Your domain name btw is hopeless, no offense. Nobody by text or audio is going to remember that one period. Letters, hyphens, numbers all mixed in together, everything there is to go wrong is wrong with the domain name. If you're going to brand yourself with this service, keep it simple, short and memorable. Five or six letters will do the trick, something pronounceable. Best, Pete
	"He struck the match. Fire flickered. The fuse lit and an explosion of emotional trigger words emanated like lightning through his fingertips..."

06-11-2011, 07:22 PM	#11
Alex Cohen Copy Champion War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 1,001 Thanks: 45 Thanked 501 Times in 304 Posts Contact Info	Re: Kind of an Awkward Copy Review Request Hi Ronnie, I don't believe the big idea of your sales pitch hits the sweet spot of your market. Marketers are not particularly concerned with the retention rate of the information communicated. Rather, they want to make sales. I understand the 60% instead of 12% thing. However, you need to prove your claim... why the increased retention rate increases sales. Instead of "retention rate" could you use "comprehension rate" or "conversion rate"? They would be more meaningful to marketers. Of course you'd still need to prove your claim. Alex

06-11-2011, 08:34 PM	#12
rlhurst Custom Mobile Websites War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Oregon Posts: 513 Thanks: 35 Thanked 104 Times in 75 Posts Social Networking	Re: Kind of an Awkward Copy Review Request Thanks for the honest replies Pete and Alex! I've made some changes to the copy on the site. I will continue to improve it. As long as I keep learning and moving forward, I'm satisfied.
	Custom Designed, From Scratch, Mobile Websites(Video) For You To Resell (not templates!) Click on Logo To View Samples(contact me for Warrior SPECIAL pricing info!)