[Sales Letter Feedback] Leading provider of business education - Real world conference sales page

[meetbryce]

Hi,

After a diligent amount of reading on this forum I've rebuilt our company's sales page and would really appreciate some feedback from the experts.

The page can be found HERE.

Really appreciate any constructive feedback.

[briancassingena]

Design looks good mate. First thing you need to look at though is the coloured background with white text. This is harder to read than white background with black text, and it's killing response. You can do it in very small sections but not the whole page.

[meetbryce]

so the contrast of white on red still isn't enough?

[briancassingena]

It's not a matter of contrast - solid colour backgrounds with light text are harder for the eye to read, it's ALWAYS a conversion killer. Do little bits here and there, behind a text box or a headline, but never ever behind the main body copy.

[meetbryce]

intriguing. what kind of difference could you see that change making to the conversion rate?

[Alex Cohen]

Originally Posted by meetbryce

intriguing. what kind of difference could you see that change making to the conversion rate?

Black on white and black on light yellow have proven time and time again to be the highest converting combinations.

Listen to Brian. He knows what he's talking about.

Alex

[briancassingena]

Originally Posted by meetbryce

intriguing. what kind of difference could you see that change making to the conversion rate?

Can't say exactly, but it will be in an upwards direction, I guarantee it

[meetbryce]

will definitely be looking into changing this over to a white background. might A/B test it and see how it goes.

any other modifications I should make?

[sanjaypande]

Hi,
Don't know who you are trying to appeal to (the specific demographic of entrepreneur). Here are the issues in my opinion:

1. The colour issues have been pointed out. Go for either black text on white or black text on light yellow. These have been tested not once, but thousands of times.

2. Your sales page does not capture the person. As soon as I land on the page, it looks like a blog page that announces an event. Nothing captivating. You want to start with an attention getting headline.

3. The sales letter (if that's what it is) starts with a "me" message.

4. The logos of different companies and organizations take up prime space. They look like paid ads.

5. Typos such as "principals" instead of "principles"

6. The call to action appears out of nowhere.

7. The bullets are weak and can be strengthened (a lot)

Sorry, but you needed to hear that. Now for the good news.

1. The video is actually quite good. Pull it above the fold and let it auto play. It should help the selling.

2. The sold out signs tell me that you've had successful events in the past, so you should always be able to bring that audience back especially if it was a decent event.

3. The price appears to be a steal for anyone. People would show up just for the networking opportunity at that price.

Hope this helps.

Regards,

Sanjay

[meetbryce]

The target market is entrepreneurs between 18 and 35 based in Sydney or Melbourne.

1. Colour issue will definitely be sorted out once we migrate the site. I'm hearing the advice loud and clear. Thanks guys.

2. What would you suggest as the heading? Perhaps "The world has changed and so must business education." or "Australia's next entrepreneurs coming together with Australia's best entrepreneurs"? Perhaps placement above the sponsor logos front and center <h1>?

3. Excuse my ignorance, what's a me message?

4. The are paid sponsorship

5. Typos will be fixed.

6. How would I go about make the call to action seem less out of nowhere? I'm I getting caught up making it pretty rather than effective?

7. Any tips or resources to strengthen the dot points?

--

1. Will definitely look at moving it!

2. Thanks

3. Thanks

[AMcDermott]

Argh, autoplay video warning. Do not want

I'm not much of a copywriter, in this thread more to pick up tips than give feedback. One thing I did notice is that on Firefox 5 (Win7) the arrow after this sentence is not inline with the media pull out:"

Ruslan has been listed on the BRW Young Rich List and Kogan has been listed in the BRW Fast 100."

HTH.

[sanjaypande]

"Argh, autoplay video warning. Do not want"

Nothing wrong with it as long as the viewer has controls. The ones without the controls are annoying. For an event, it may help and of course a simple split test will tell you very quickly what's working.

"The target market is entrepreneurs between 18 and 35 based in Sydney or Melbourne"

You need to speak to one of these people. Your letter should be one person to one person to be most effective. Do not talk to a group.

2. What would you suggest as the heading? Perhaps "The world has changed and so must business education." or "Australia's next entrepreneurs coming together with Australia's best entrepreneurs"? Perhaps placement above the sponsor logos front and center <h1>?

This needs more thinking. The masters recommend spending 80% of your time on the sales letter on the headline.

It depends on what this group wants. What are their hidden inner desires that you can tap into? Do they want to be Australia's next set of best entrepreneurs (best is a weak word).

You could swipe the famous Ted Nicholas headline

"You ... Millionaire Entrepreneur?" (assuming this will appeal to them. If the entry requires them to have over a million in revenues it may not)

"How To Meet Over 100 Potential Business Contacts In 48 Hours"

"Announcing Australia's Biggest Entrepreneur Mastermind - Will You Be A Part Of It Or Will You Miss Out?"

3. Excuse my ignorance, what's a me message?

Me message is anything that talks purely about you or the event instead of to the audience.

"We have the most advanced technology" - Me message

"You will have access to the most advanced technology available and ..." Same message rephrased

4. The are paid sponsorship

That is pretty cool, but currently it's looking like speed bumps in the letter. Why don't you turn it into an advantage.

"Microsoft and So-and-so are willing to pay bug bucks to be present at this event, but you don't have to ..."

6. How would I go about make the call to action seem less out of nowhere? I'm I getting caught up making it pretty rather than effective?

Perhaps. Only you can answer that. If pretty sells, then keep it pretty. If ugly sells keep it ugly. If words sell, focus on the words.

On the CTA, try and transition into it.

You don't want to miss an opportunity like this to ... blah blah ... and by the way, right now it's available for peanuts. You can easily get in for the price of dinner.

Reserve your seat and bonuses by ....

7. Any tips or resources to strengthen the dot points?

Write your bullets like you would write a headline. They need to provoke curiosity or convey benefits or both.

"Hear from Australia's best entrepreneurs and learn how they succeeded"

Get more specific. Even on the generic, you could say

"Australia's most successful entrepreneurs are going to reveal all their secrets and how they not just survived in a down economy, but thrived by taking advantage of these 7 little known tactics that 98% of people don't even know"

Any "How to" bullet (fascination) is good too.

Any 3/5/7 tips/secrets/strategies are good.

All in all, it comes down to 3 things and you may have heard of it, but I'll restate it anyway. The copy is only 20% of the equation. The other 80% is the list and the offer. (Nothing new. Every copywriting master or legend or even people who have read enough books on copy will tell you this).

Now you appear to have the list and the offer in the right place. What thay means is you will sell even if your copy sucks and will have a successful campaign.

Now, addressing the copy will help you sell more surely, but that's all it will do. Sell more.

For the product you have, it appears you just need to fill the venue and I think it should not be very hard to do.

Hope this helps

[meetbryce]

Thanks for all the help guys!

Any tips on transposing this into an EDM?

[ahmadbasyir]

Wow.. wonderful site...
If I can have one just like that or similar.. ;-)

Keep up good work!

[AMcDermott]

Originally Posted by sanjaypande

"Argh, autoplay video warning. Do not want"

Nothing wrong with it as long as the viewer has controls. The ones without the controls are annoying. For an event, it may help and of course a simple split test will tell you very quickly what's working.

Apologies for the mix-up, I meant that more as a "personally I don't like them", not "In the context of the review, it's a bad idea". My fault for posting it on a Copy feedback thread.

Love the rest of your post, particularly the re-purposing of #3 and
4, this is probably very basic to you guys, but pure gold for me:

Originally Posted by sanjaypande

3. Excuse my ignorance, what's a me message?

Me message is anything that talks purely about you or the event instead of to the audience.

"We have the most advanced technology" - Me message

"You will have access to the most advanced technology available and ..." Same message rephrased

4. The are paid sponsorship

That is pretty cool, but currently it's looking like speed bumps in the letter. Why don't you turn it into an advantage.

"Microsoft and So-and-so are willing to pay bug bucks to be present at this event, but you don't have to ..."

Ok, let's see if I can give some constructive feedback... this are all really minor design details, rather than the big ticket items mentioned above.

The guys suggested moving to black on white - another option you could test is keep the red but just darken it 10-15% - that could significantly increase contrast and maybe have a positive effect.

What about all these header and footer links - can you remove the navbars on the sales page? Same for link in "If you’d like to pitch your business on the day Click Here!" - you can tell them but link it to the cart, rather than the info page.

Your /images/redtick.gif are a little messy on that BG, should be sorted if you move to white BG. I really don't like the Arial in 18px that's on that last red tick bullets, something about it looks naff.

With the bonuses, you could add up the total and say "... and $87 worth of bonuses" near the call to action. Maybe give more info on what the bonuses are about. You repeat "bonus#1" by the way.

Hope this helps.

[Hugh Thyer]

Looks really good, and I'm sure it will do well.

One suggestion though. Make more of networking opportunities. Rub shoulders with other young entrepreneurs who could be instrumental on your journey. Meet people

For example, the World Internet Summit (the world's largest internet marketing seminar) was started by two strangers who met at a seminar.

Explore business opportunities with other entrepreneurs in the room. Network, and develop life long relationships with like-minded individuals.

And then you can make the after party value 'priceless' because just one conversation with the right person could lead you to a life-changing breakthrough. And there will be hundreds of people all ready to do business on the day. Deals, and lots of them usually take place at parties just like these.

[ThomasOMalley]

I still find the copy too general. You have to give more specifics about the benefits of attending the conference. It takes a lot more to get people to take action than you think. Most people seriously underestimate this task.

You have to light a fire under your prospects to take action. Your copy doesn't do that.

Great start but get more specific benefits in there.

Best,

Thomas O'Malley

P.S. It's your first few paragraphs that really must be improved to get your copy to convert more.