Help wanted - Care to critique my sales page, thank you.

[Stephen Courtney]

Hey guys,

I have made my first attempt at a sales page and would like to know if it's any good.

If you can spare a few moments I would appreciate your thoughts and advice, you can check it at http:www.tinytearawaytravelsafety.info

Many thanks in advance,

Stephen

[AG Hohwald]

First off, I'd re-jigger the headline.

Bold colors and bold fonts are a good thing, in that they draw attention. But yours is such a mishmash of reds and blacks and fonts sizes and italics and bolds, that my eyes don't find a comfortable place to land and focus. It's not invitation-to-reading friendly.

Get rid of that upper box, put the whole headline in a single font, and only use enhancements when you've got something important to draw their eye to.

If...and I stress, if...somebody does overcome all that and jump in right at the top, I don't think the headline you've chosen to kick off with does its job.

"Does Your Child Know Who You Are?"

Well...yes! Problem solved! What do I need this page for?

You need to use that moment to create a sense of urgency for your reader. In a perfect world, one that resonates with whatever source of material brought them there. But if you're dealing with a more general audience, then at least one that makes them stop and say, "Whoa!...I know that feeling!"

I could see this going either of a few directions.

Maybe a picture of a worried mom-type looking around, coupled with the headline, "Has Anybody Seen My Son!?"

That would probably get any concerned parent interested enough to look at the next sentence, where you could hit them with your pitch.

Alternatively, a problem-based headline, like: "Have You Ever Lost Your Child in Public?" Anyone who answers that one with a yes...or even a, "no, but I worry about it"...is more than likely going to keep going, because it's an emotional yes.

I've got more thoughts lined up, but have to run for an hour or so. Will post more when I come back...

[Summertime Dress]

I think the headline could be better...

"Does Your Child Know Who You Are?" ...I think is the wrong question to ask because most children know who their parents are.

Something along the lines of

"Retired Security Guard Reveals Autopilot Formula Children of Any Age Can Easily Learn to Safely Reunite with Mom & Dad After Getting Lost in a Public Place..."

[Bruce NewMedia]

Stephen there's quite a lot to improve here, but one thing that jumped out at me is your choice of bonuses....this topic, child safety, is a serious one. I would discard the playful- type bonuses, like "Cooking Your Kids" and the other one, too. ..and the graphics suggestions made by AGHohwald seem good choices to me.
_____
Bruce

[Cam Connor]

Originally Posted by Stephen Courtney

Hey guys,

I have made my first attempt at a sales page and would like to know if it's any good.

If you can spare a few moments I would appreciate your thoughts and advice, you can check it at http:www.tinytearawaytravelsafety.info

Many thanks in advance,

Stephen

Hey Stephen,

Great looking page, though there's a few things I'd change... First off, so many headlines... I'd stick with one that was serious, and for a product like yours, I'd say sell the scare, meaning your products consumers' main motivation for getting your product will be FEAR. They're afraid their child(ren) is going to get lost or stolen...

Both headlines don't really explain much about the problem, and how you can help them solve it, and also, most parents will say "Yes, my child knows who I am." to the first question at the top of the page. It seems a bit strange.

I do like the format of the page however, and I see where you're going with this. If you scroll down quickly, however, (which many people will do), you can see how the page is very compact with text, and that's not good because it seems a bit overwhelming. I would highly recommend just spacing everything out a bit, give people some room to breathe. A common mistake is to try to shorten and condense it, and I'd recommend doing just the opposite. Space it out a bit.

Lastly I would say adding in some testimonials, and adding in some general credibility.

I hope that helps, I can maybe offer you a few more tips and pointers, please feel free to shoot me a PM or post on my wall if you want some more info or have any more questions.

Overall, it looks good, so keep at it and you'll have a winner in no time.

[ewenmack]

Hi Stephen,

The whole thing doesn't feel right.

Starting with your headline.

First reaction to the statement from the reader seeing "Does your child know who you are?" is a "of course she does".

So you are on the back foot from the start.

Next, are mothers actively searching for answers to help them stop their child running away?

I'm thinking aloud here, but my reaction is, if they are, then you need to make that connection straight away...

as in..

"To The Mother Wanting To Stop Her Child Running Away"

Now you and her are connecting.

Next, I'm seeing a scrambled image below the headline. It doesn't add therefore it needs to go.

It's essential that you get off to a good start and this will help you get it.

Best,
Ewen

[Dannyboy12]

Hey steven. Is the "heres to your success" meant to be there? I wouldnt have thought that would be too relevant for parents trying to hold onto their kids? better suits the money online niche i think.

[ewenmack]

Just scrolled down to the order button and noticed 2 things that can be improved.

In fact, I haven't seen a case where the addition of them where sales haven't gone up.

Best,
Ewen

[Aj Wilson]

Don't Let Them Steal Your Kids!

Are Your Children In DANGER?

Are You Putting Your Kids At Risk Of THIS?

Are Your Children In Danger Of Being Kidnapped?

Will THESE People Harm Your Children?

These People Want To Steal & Sell Your Children!


You could start off with a headline like one of these
(or your own mashup of course) ....

The 'hook' or question it would raise into the parents mind is 'WHO' Wants to steal my children?

Reveal 'who' mid part of your sales copy, them slam them hard with all problems, possibilities, horrible outcomes if their children should go missing ...

then attach your product as the ONLY solution their kids need,
or the parents need to know ...

thread a story through your sales copy how your were
a security guard that knew someone (or from your own personal experience)

... or something from the news paper, where a lady lost their child,

how bad she felt, the stress it caused, the drama, the lessons learnt
and finally how it could've all been avoided if she only did a few things ...

or the child could've done (and that 'simple', quick', 'effective information is all inside your report/book/product).

Disclaimer;

I've only skim read your head/subheadlines ...

I'm not really sure what your product is about
and I'd like to bet your prospect (or target audience) would
probably feel the same way on first glance.

So I cant really give accurate advice coz Im not quite
sure what your product is about! (or your target audience).


But the best thing is mate ... It's a great start!


You've got it up there, and now it'll be easier to make changes,
test & tweak until you're seeing conversions etc

There's heaps of solid info here in the forum,
it's all about filtering it all & using everything that makes sense to you

all the best,

- aj

[beamup]

A picture would be nice. Like everyone said, the heading could be more meaningful.

All the best mate!

[Shadowflux]

Hey Stephen,

Here are some of my suggestions:

Head: Your Child is Missing
Subhead: Does your child know how to find their way back to you?
Sub-subhead: An Ex-Security Professional Reveals Exactly What Your Child Needs to Know to Get Back to You Safely in this Vital New Book.

It happens hundreds of times every day. Parents are out with their children, they look away for just a second and when they turn around they find their child is missing. Ask any parent and they will tell you the same thing: This is their absolute worst nightmare.

My name is Stephen Courtney, as a father of 3 I understand how horrifying the idea of a missing child is. As an ex SIA certified security professional I have years of experience personally dealing with hundreds of frantic and distraught parents who have lost their children. Most parents are vigilant when it comes to their child's safety but the truth is that it only takes a second for a child to run off and become lost.



That should give you a general idea of the direction I think you should go in. I'm obviously not going to rewrite the whole thing but this was easier than listing a number of unordered suggestions.

Good luck!

[eWebCats]

Sometimes to be honest is brutal. But you learn that way. And since you're certainly not a newbie, I'll shoot strait. Please don't hate me cause my review is so strong. But if I asked for help, I would want real honesty from this forum.

My guess is that you don't have children, because your headline is an insult to anyone that ever has a child. I would never, ever, ever let my kids or now my grandkids, out of my sight, period! Especially in the world we live in today. I just think it's just a bad subject for an ebook. And loosing a child is not the inevitable that happens, like your title claims. Take a hard look at it and see if you would buy it.

And I don't know what you guys in the UK are smoking, but how you ever came up with such a bold claim as 300 Kids a day, or the way the lady walks thru the mall asking strangers. Not in the US, if I did loose my kid, (which is impossible for me, my wife and everyone I know with kids), if I did loose my kid, I'd call the cops and they would lock down the mall. This is a very serious subject that your ebook takes rather lightly, especially written by the mall cop.

And your url sounds like you're trying to make the sale just from the web address. Why not just make it www. YourChildRanOffWhenYouWeren'tLookingYouTeriblePare ntAndHeDon'tEvenKnowWhoYouAreWithoutBuyingMyEbook. com.

URL's should always be easy to for people to remember because if they don't buy it they may tell someone else.

Also you should always spell check your copy, you have a few errors.

Now a good light to shine. You should maybe sell your rainy day activities and give away the others. Or, don't try to sell anything here, just give away cook with kids or Rainy day just to capture a new mothers email address. The money is in the list. You could Edit your Tiny book a bit and make it a travel game book or something less dreadful.

Lastly, I hope you don't shoot the messenger for the message. My real aim is to help you, not hurt you.

Then again, I could be completely wrong, I don't claim to be the sharpest knife in the drawer. That's my two cents worth.

Friends, and the best to you,.