New Website copy looking to get some critique

[blorky]

Hi Folks,

here is my new krav maga online training website copy.

KravMagaBootcamp.com

I'd love for you guys to pick it apart and tell me what I'm doing wrong. Please be as brutal as you want. Don't hold back anything!

Much appreciated.

Blorky!

[Alex Cohen]

The bullets shouldn't be in italics... they're harder to read.

Use a regular font. And to increase readability even more, bold every other bullet.

Alex

[blorky]

Thank you Alex, Keep EM' coming!!!

[Alex Cohen]

This is bolding...

• Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country
  
  
• Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country
  
  
• Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country

[Mark Pescetti]

Break up the headline...

I personally think you'd sell more marketing to women...

[ewenmack]

You've got the making of a great sales letter there because of the credibility and video demonstrations.

We can still make it stronger though...here's how

Bring the "As Seen On Tv" and Discovery Channel image top left or at least top centre
because it's a credibility and authority device which we want to be seen

Knock out a readers negative thoughts about their limitations which will prevent them using
your method, like "I'm small, I'm weak, I'm not fit, don't like exercise, I'm a woman"

Would take out the "membership benefits" headline below the first video because it's
too early to introduce what you've got...it's about them first.

I would talk why your reality based training is necessary compared against martial arts and those used in
cage fights. Since they are all based in a controlled environment but are useless when it comes to space restrictions, obstacles and weapons you come across in real life situations.

Then there is life threatening fear taking control...once again how you handle these situations.

Hit home the need for reality based combat skills in the most life threatening situations.

And of course point out where yours are used where others won't cut it.

Do it before you introduce the free training videos

Are you loaded up with an ongoing series of emails?

If you are, then I would go with the easiest option for the reader to take and get his/her free training videos.

I would give more emphasis on what's in the free video lessons...if your number one action requirement is to give you their email address.

If you want the sale from this page then there are 2 things to fix around the order button which often gets a 25% bump in sales.

Now you've got something kicking it!

Best,
Ewen

[Alex Ceskavich]

People know and understand Krav Maga is mess you up self defense training.

How do you teach Krav Maga in a unique way?

- Alex

[schttrj]

I will listen to what Alex said.

Along with that...

Use a bigger and catchy font for the header.

Use a regular and readable font for the subsequent paragraphs.

Use a better layout for the whole sales page (my personal opinion).

[blorky]

Guys,

Thank you very much for the critique so far. For those of you who made it to the site and didn't write anything, please do so! We could use all the help we can get from you good people.

One dilemma we had when putting up the site, is which should we go for:

the mailing list sign up?

or the paying conversion?

any feedback regarding this would help me get in the right direction and probably focus the page much more than it is now.

[ThorstenD]

I would recommend to have not more than 7 topics in your topmenue. 10 is more than people can realize at once.
The tagline 'Here’s just a sneak peak at what you’re about to learn..' is not conspicuous enough.
'Membership benefits' should be centered as well.
And allthough it's very common, but i feel yellow background to emphasize text parts is looking cheap, usually and old-fashioned.
Technically, I think a table layout should have died with web 0.9. - but leave it as is, that doesn't makes you any sale

cheers, Thorsten

[ewenmack]

Originally Posted by blorky

One dilemma we had when putting up the site, is which should we go for:

the mailing list sign up?

or the paying conversion?

Asking and getting a sign up is always going to be easier because it's a smaller commitment.

You need to ask yourself are you prepared to have an ongoing conversation with these people?

Multiple contacts with your interested non buyers is going to yield you more profit than spending money to get in front of potential buyers.

You have opportunities to make other offers, including down sells, joint ventures and rent your list.

Some list owners make more money with their list from renting and joint ventures compared to selling their product to them.

It's about being strategic and understanding the business model which has the most potential for you...not someone else.

Best,
Ewen

[RickDuris]

I'm only going to comment on one aspect. The above-the-fold graphic.

Here's your above-the-fold graphic:



Once I share this idea, it should be obvious.

1. You buried the headline under your name and title. My guess? Few know who you are. It's just not enough.

So lead with a ruthlessly compelling headline. Kick'em where it hurts. Make'em, force'em to take notice. Buy some body building magazines for examples on how to do that. Matt Furey's stuff is good too. You're looking for that rush of adrenline in them. That's the emotion.

In other words, write "Krav Maga Copy."

For instance: "Make Your Fiercest Opponents BEG for MERCY"

Something punchy.

2. Put your name and title under your headshot. You can make it prominent there.

3. You can say "Insider's guide" for now as a test, but I think it's kinda weak.

Hope this helps.

- Rick Duris

PS: I see the direction and I think it's good.