please critique my sales letter

[Ben_Doyle]

Hi Guy's

I have written this sales letter for my website before I go into a few JV's with it.

I want to know what you guy's think.

I have already sold around 120 copies and the average time spent on my site is around 7 minutes from 1064 page visits. The only place I have sent traffic from is a forum that I am a member of.

But if you could give me some feedback, I'd appreciate it

Thanks guy's

Ben

[RRMarketing]

Hi Ben,

Good to meet you.

I won't go into a comprehensive analysis of it, but I'll tell you what I think, at least at a superficial level.

-> Your headline. You are trying to use an juxtaposition of two incongruousness elements. This technique is mastered by Carlton and can be exemplified best by
the one legged golfer ad.

-> However, I don't see how this is constructed in your case. I don't know how an ex-TV salesman is opposed to a power eBay seller. For example, if you would say something like ...

"How An Anti-Social Nerd From Nebraska With Virtually No Sales Or Marketing Skills Managed To Break the eBay Persuasion Code And Consistently Make ..."

It's not a clear example, but it should give you an idea with where I'm going with this.

-> I don't know exactly who you're targeting. However, making assumptions "you've been struggling" ... I don't think it's a good idea. My educated guess would be that most of your market is made out of people who never sold on eBay before. Also, the second sentence reveals that this is suited towards the biz op seekers, people who haven't sold on eBay before.

-> In other words, in order for someone to struggle there, he must first actually sell something. If he is selling, then he knows he can make money selling second hand products.

-> I don't know if the marketplace finds itself in your experiences. But if you are targeting people already selling there, then it's a valid point.

-> The story is reasonable and somehow believable. You are giving a good reason why for why people buy on eBay now.

-> When it comes to "a lot of professional business people don't earn as much ..." you could even run a head to head chart. You could say "here's how I've made last week. Based on the average salaries in the US, I ranked higher than x, y, z. They are actually working 50 hours a week, finished a college for this while I was ..."

-> Build an emotional case too. It's not only about getting a good deal. He wants to feel like the kind of smart person who took this decision. He wants to be admired for getting out of the rat race and achieving ...

-> Your bullets. It should be feature + benefit + teaser / emotional benefit.

-> Something like: How I've used second hand products to make $1479 in just one week (a 1596% profits) and buy a brand new ...

-> Your reason why for sharing this info can be improved. You can justify it by telling them how it's a good deal for both the buyer and the seller. They get rid of old stuff and the buyer buys it cheap, instead of pumping money into the big fat corporations.

-> "I've used this system and ..." - fully develop those benefits. Make them come alive.

-> When justifying the price, try to prove how the 17 P can be recovered in as little as one transaction.

I think that's all. Of course, we could go into details. However, it's late here so maybe some other time.

Good luck,
Razvan

[Loren Woirhaye]

Post it as a web page. I don't want to mess with opening a PDF and
other people won't either.