Help! My Sales Letter SUCKS.

[ccmusicman]

Hey everyone...

I've written short sales letters before (WSO's and others) and I have written a few sales letters for other niche's, but when it comes to the "make money online" letters (this niche is one of the hardest niche's to sell in, I believe), I'm about clueless on how to go about writing one...

But being the "do it yourself" kinda guy, I tried my best, but I'm horribly displeased with the outcome, especially because I've got affiliates that are going to be promoting me, it's VITAL i have a great sales letter (not just for myself, but them too)

So, if anyone wants to critique my letter and help me improve it, that would be awesome!

Here is the page:

The Complete Online Money System, How To Make Money Online The Easy Way!

Thanks!

Rob

[Loren Woirhaye]

I don't like the font or your bloated headline. Looks hard to
read. I'm more of the philosophy that you want to romance
people into reading the body copy, not try to do everything
in the headline.

Your headline also doesn't actually say anything specific
about the advantage of your product.

[ccmusicman]

Ok, thanks!

Anything else?

[Justin Mandel]

So many fonts, so many colors it hurts my eyes.

[ndcole78]

Delete the very first thing you have on your site: (Warning...You've Landed On a 72 Hour Special!! You Can Leave And Come Back, But The Clock Is Ticking, Don't Lose Out!)

Never tell or give people a reason to leave your site--they just leave, just as I did. I hope that helps.

[Stephen Dean]

Hmm, I wouldn't tell them first thing that they can leave and come back. You don't want them to leave!

I'd pay attention to what people just told you about fonts/colors. I wouldn't use that yellow highlight in the headline.

And switch the headline around. "(the guru conspiracy)" reads like a major speedbump. Instead, start the headline with it...

"The Guru Conspiracy: Ever Wonder Why Only A Few Line Their Pockets With Gold While You Still Struggle To Make A Buck? The Answer is Revealed Below...Keep Reading!"

What in the world is going on in this paragraph, haha, I have no idea...

"See, these products are actually GREAT PRODUCTS...Wait...not what you were expecting? Watch this short video as I explain how I got ripped off (To the tune of Two Thousand Dollars) and how this conspiracy works:"

The first half and second half of that paragraph do not obviously connect. They might in your head, but great products and how you got ripped off don't seem to go together at all. Finish your thought, separate the paragraphs.


And I see that your proof of income has a pretty low amount in comparison to say, the guru's income claims. That's OK and you could even try using it as a strength.

"Thats 800 bucks for 40 hours of work...equaling 20 dollars an hour...so far."

$20/hour working on the Internet could come across as a very realistic, unique claim. I'd run with that angle higher in the copy, maybe even the headline.

You don't need to promise thousands to people who are just looking to make some extra money. $20/hour in their spare time probably would sound great. And it sets up a natural twist later that will look great in the copy, the autopilot income that comes after you do the initial work. I'd blow that up.

Good luck.

Cheers,
Stephen

[ccmusicman]

Originally Posted by Stephen Dean

Hmm, I wouldn't tell them first thing that they can leave and come back. You don't want them to leave!

I'd pay attention to what people just told you about fonts/colors. I wouldn't use that yellow highlight in the headline.

And switch the headline around. "(the guru conspiracy)" reads like a major speedbump. Instead, start the headline with it...

"The Guru Conspiracy: Ever Wonder Why Only A Few Line Their Pockets With Gold While You Still Struggle To Make A Buck? The Answer is Revealed Below...Keep Reading!"

What in the world is going on in this paragraph, haha, I have no idea...

"See, these products are actually GREAT PRODUCTS...Wait...not what you were expecting? Watch this short video as I explain how I got ripped off (To the tune of Two Thousand Dollars) and how this conspiracy works:"

The first half and second half of that paragraph do not obviously connect. They might in your head, but great products and how you got ripped off don't seem to go together at all. Finish your thought, separate the paragraphs.


And I see that your proof of income has a pretty low amount in comparison to say, the guru's income claims. That's OK and you could even try using it as a strength.

"Thats 800 bucks for 40 hours of work...equaling 20 dollars an hour...so far."

$20/hour working on the Internet could come across as a very realistic, unique claim. I'd run with that angle higher in the copy, maybe even the headline.

You don't need to promise thousands to people who are just looking to make some extra money. $20/hour in their spare time probably would sound great. And it sets up a natural twist later that will look great in the copy, the autopilot income that comes after you do the initial work. I'd blow that up.

Good luck.

Cheers,
Stephen

Thanks! I'll be making all those changes.

You guys rock!

Rob

[Collette]

Your letter is kinda all over the place. Try to figure out what you're really "selling".

IMHO, what you're offering is:

A nice little chunk of change each month; money that you can use to buy luxuries, pay off bills, add to the kid's college fund, pay off the car, whatever you want.

And you only need to give up two measly hours a day.

Two hours. Two hours that could be your ticket to financial freedom, to the lifestyle you've always dreamed of, to the LIFE you've always dreamed of.

Just two hours a day. And the cost of dinner and drinks for two.

Seems like a small price to pay to make a dream come true...

[ccmusicman]

Originally Posted by Collette

Your letter is kinda all over the place. Try to figure out what you're really "selling".

IMHO, what you're offering is:

A nice little chunk of change each month; money that you can use to buy luxuries, pay off bills, add to the kid's college fund, pay off the car, whatever you want.

And you only need to give up two measly hours a day.

Two hours. Two hours that could be your ticket to financial freedom, to the lifestyle you've always dreamed of, to the LIFE you've always dreamed of.

Just two hours a day. And the cost of dinner and drinks for two.

Seems like a small price to pay to make a dream come true...

To some extent that IS what I'm selling. (Though, isn't MOST IM products sell that???) The question is, am I doing it effective enough to convince people to purchase.

Rob

[Collette]

If that's what you're selling, then sell it. You're spending a lot of time talking about gurus and unrelated such.

You're getting sidetracked by all the OTHER ways you could angle your sales message. (and there are lots of ways to pluck this chicken)

Pick the angle that's the most compelling for your reader, and stay on message.

Make THAT case, and make it well. Only THEN should you add in the "And if that's not enough to convince you, here are some other things to consider" stuff like the gurus ripping people off, or people spending thousands on useless products, or whatever.

Financial freedom is at the heart of why people want to make money on the Internet. A cogent "I did this, and so can you" pitch with credibility and proof will convert to sales. Yes, it's been done before, but it still works - and will continue to work - because that's what people are looking for.

Commit to your fundamental message. You can't sell anything "to some extent". Either sell, or not sell. There is no "extent".

[Stephen Dean]

Staying on message is good. I do like guru-bashing though, and it is something you could lead the copy off with. To me it'd depend on who's going to be reading the letter.

If the visitor just wants to make money online and doesn't know what a guru is, you're in trouble with that opening. If the visitor has been reading a ton of IM info and knows who all the gurus are, lead with the guru bashing and bash away.

But it absolutely does depend on who the reader is. Going with a 'How To Make $20/Hour Working Part-Time Or Less Thanks To These Powerful Websites I Discovered...' angle would probably be the safest bet.

But I do like anti-guru angles

Stephen

[jayden.fellze]

Hi,

I think your letter is a very good effort but the problem is that it is too much effort. Lines like "Lock The Door, Turn Off Your Phone, Rearrange Your Schedule," can make you sound a little desperate to sell your product.

My advice will be to act a little cool about your product as you want to cure your customers' anxiety and don't want to sound anxious yourself. Also, I think the font should be a little softer on eyes. Try using a visually attractive font where you want to use bold colours and letters as a bold font on a bold colour looks a little too strong.