Opening paragraph problem with my sales letter

[Dennis Miedema]

I think it's best if I briefly outline my "tempalte" for writing a sales letter (it's actually John Carlton's template) so you clearly understand what I'm having trouble with:

1) Headline (a title that hooks the prospect)
2) Salutation (the Dear Friend part of your latter)
3) Opening paragraph (telling the "here's who I am," why I'm writing to you etc.)
4) Tell your story (the "here's what it's all about" in which you explain yourself)
5) Bullets (the features and benefits of your product)
6) The offer (what the price is, what they get, the bonuses, the guarantee)
7) Close the deal (reinforce the major benefit, create urgency so they buy...NOW)
8) The P.S (that briefly makes your case again)
9) Testimonials (previous customers who are endorsing your stuff with "stories inside the story")

Now...there are ALL kinds of ways in which you can open your sales pitch (point 3) and tell your story (point 4) but here are my problems:

- How far do you go with establishing credibility, the here's who I am, making yourself believable? (point 3)...

Because I now have one page on my own rise to fame in my niche market that creates lots of empathy, credibility and so on...but I feel that I could go on LONGER and tell about my coaching experience (so the prospect will trust me to coach him), so should I continue with that, or stop? I don't know when to move from establishing credibility to telling your story...

- I'm selling an 8-week step-by-step program that coaches the prospect until he has success, and tell the prospect in my story (point 4), but what can my story be?

And with telling your story, I'm giving the prospect 2 powerful chunks of freeline content (free info I'm sharing to hook him even further because he'll wonder what the paid stuff will be if the free stuff is THAT good)...but I feel I can ellaborate on the first piece a LOT to convince more, should I do that?

As for the 8-week program...I'll explain WHY the prospect should by from me and not the competitor (because of the 8week thing) AFTER my bullets, which is where all the USPs come into play.

I dunno...I somehow feel I'm kicking ass with everything BUT the opening paragraph and beginning of the story, that I'm not doing enough, or missing something...

Any help?

[Raydal]

Originally Posted by Dennis Miedema

I think it's best if I briefly outline my "tempalte" for writing a sales letter (it's actually John Carlton's template) so you clearly understand what I'm having trouble with:

1) Headline (a title that hooks the prospect)
2) Salutation (the Dear Friend part of your latter)
3) Opening paragraph (telling the "here's who I am," why I'm writing to you etc.)
4) Tell your story (the "here's what it's all about" in which you explain yourself)
5) Bullets (the features and benefits of your product)
6) The offer (what the price is, what they get, the bonuses, the guarantee)
7) Close the deal (reinforce the major benefit, create urgency so they buy...NOW)
8) The P.S (that briefly makes your case again)
9) Testimonials (previous customers who are endorsing your stuff with "stories inside the story")

Now...there are ALL kinds of ways in which you can open your sales pitch (point 3) and tell your story (point 4) but here are my problems:

- How far do you go with establishing credibility, the here's who I am, making yourself believable? (point 3)...

Because I now have one page on my own rise to fame in my niche market that creates lots of empathy, credibility and so on...but I feel that I could go on LONGER and tell about my coaching experience (so the prospect will trust me to coach him), so should I continue with that, or stop? I don't know when to move from establishing credibility to telling your story...

- I'm selling an 8-week step-by-step program that coaches the prospect until he has success, and tell the prospect in my story (point 4), but what can my story be?

And with telling your story, I'm giving the prospect 2 powerful chunks of freeline content (free info I'm sharing to hook him even further because he'll wonder what the paid stuff will be if the free stuff is THAT good)...but I feel I can ellaborate on the first piece a LOT to convince more, should I do that?

As for the 8-week program...I'll explain WHY the prospect should by from me and not the competitor (because of the 8week thing) AFTER my bullets, which is where all the USPs come into play.

I dunno...I somehow feel I'm kicking ass with everything BUT the opening paragraph and beginning of the story, that I'm not doing enough, or missing something...

Any help?

Apart from the headline the opening paragraphs are indeed the most important
part of the letter. How you open will depend on a few factors. For example is
your target audience:

1. Informed or uninformed about your product?
2. Favorable?
3. Opposed?
4. Apathetic?

Depending on your answer to that question, then the opening must take a
different slant. For example if you audience is favorable to your product then
you have to intensify their interest, challenge them by showing new aspects
of the problem that your product solves.

If they are opposed to your product then you must build empathy with them
by finding a common ground and emphasize the values and attitudes you share
with them.

As far as your story is concerned, you must mention things that would establish
your authority in the field and build empathy at the same time. So if it a
weight-loss, indicate how you lost weight but is also a dietitian etc.

The sales letter outline you mentioned is very general, you need a lot more
fine details to make it workable.

-Ray L.,

[Collette]

In most of the copy critiques I do the problem with the opening paragraph is usually the result of one of two things:

1) The opening paragraph doesn't get to the point quickly enough. Too much "throat-clearing" and chit-chat. Often, the letter actually "begins" at the third or fourth paragraph. Ruthless editing may fix your problem.

2) The opening paragraph doesn't fulfil the promise contained in the headline. In this case, there's usually a problem with the headline, too.

It would be easier to help you if you posted a link to the copy. Generic advice isn't going to do much to help you with a specific problem.

[Hugh Thyer]

One of the big hurdles is convincing your prospect that you are the real deal.

If your prospect isnt convinced that you are able to solve their problems and have a track record doing so, then you're going to struggle to get them.

So you have to hit them hard by telling them what they'll get from you, and then straight away PROVE that you can do it. Testimonials are a very good way of doing this. In fact, once you've told them what you can do for them and proven it, you're halfway there.

But as far as the first paragraph goes, it has to convince the reader to continue with the rest of your letter. You may find that proving yourself to be the real deal doesnt start until the 2nd paragraph.

Hugh