Salescopy Review

André Silverspoon · 07-21-2011, 03:46 PM

Hey fella!

Ok - so I've done my copy...

Usually I have outsouced my copy, but this time I wanted to make it myself and test my skills.

So if you want to review it and tell me your thoughts, it would be awesome!

Here it is:
http://fromdatetobed.com/easy_dating_formula.htm

Looking forward to your critique.

-A

Mark Pescetti · 07-21-2011, 04:30 PM

Where it says "here are the biggest myths about what women want," bring that up to the top.

You need to immediately start giving the guys you're talking to something of substance. Right now, it's not there.

Save your introduction for after you've really hooked them.

Rewrite your introduction too.

The "humbly" line made me cringe.

What is the biggest reason people should listen to you? Start with that!

Get rid of the stuff before your headline.

Your headline will convert better with something that doesn't make guys think: "Former Security Manager Reveals An Exclusive, Tried & True, Easy-to-Follow Method That Gets YOU Laid!"

Gdetonator · 07-21-2011, 10:25 PM

The copy is very cool... I'm almost sold

Joe Ditzel · 07-21-2011, 11:11 PM

Some of your sentences seem awkward to me:

"And the once I have not been talking with in about 2 months are deleted, this way I´m keeping the list of hot girls fresh and clean."

I would change that to something like:

"And the ones I haven't talked to in 2 months? Gone. I delete them to keep my list of hot girls fresh and clean."

André Silverspoon · 07-22-2011, 05:31 AM

Thanks!

I´ve changed what you guys have suggested.
One of my concerns is that the story is kind of boring and not enough related, but at the same time, I think it is something that many guys can relate to.

Gdetonator · 07-22-2011, 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joe Ditzel

Some of your sentences seem awkward to me:

"And the once I have not been talking with in about 2 months are deleted, this way I´m keeping the list of hot girls fresh and clean."

I would change that to something like:

"And the ones I haven't talked to in 2 months? Gone. I delete them to keep my list of hot girls fresh and clean."

I didn't even see that one, maybe your eyes are sharper... haha

Daniel Scott · 07-23-2011, 04:07 AM

Quick thoughts...

1. There are a thousand seduction products. What makes yours better or different?

2. Are you teaching guys to pick up girls or be good in bed? Although they're related, I don't think they belong in the same product.

3. The story comes across as overwritten and melodramatic... and also as complete bull****. It also misses the point of what a good story does (makes you relatable, proves your experience, etc).

There's tons of other stuff wrong... but those three will get you started.

-Daniel

RRMarketing · 07-24-2011, 09:40 AM

Quick critique:

-> The truth is promoted by every other product out there. All products say the same thing. You don't need cars, looks, money. So it's not really a new truth, especially since the market is experienced.

-> It would be better to actually say women want guys with cars, looks and money and then build a logical case why. Based on that logical case, you would show that these things can be replaced by something the prospect already owns / is.

-> You are going against the guru but you are saying about the same thing. When you position yourself against the competition and determine your USP, you need to do this with your entire message, not only with your headline.

Razvan

07-21-2011, 03:46 PM	#1
André Silverspoon HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Oslo, Norway Posts: 209 Thanks: 19 Thanked 10 Times in 7 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Salescopy Review Hey fella! Ok - so I've done my copy... Usually I have outsouced my copy, but this time I wanted to make it myself and test my skills. So if you want to review it and tell me your thoughts, it would be awesome! Here it is: http://fromdatetobed.com/easy_dating_formula.htm Looking forward to your critique. -A
	"With The Back Against The Wall" TheGuruSnitch FREE Controversial Report Grab It NOW!!

07-21-2011, 04:30 PM	#2
Mark Pescetti This town needs an emema Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Mt. Shasta Posts: 449 Thanks: 239 Thanked 366 Times in 183 Posts Contact Info	Re: Salescopy Review Where it says "here are the biggest myths about what women want," bring that up to the top. You need to immediately start giving the guys you're talking to something of substance. Right now, it's not there. Save your introduction for after you've really hooked them. Rewrite your introduction too. The "humbly" line made me cringe. What is the biggest reason people should listen to you? Start with that! Get rid of the stuff before your headline. Your headline will convert better with something that doesn't make guys think: "Former Security Manager Reveals An Exclusive, Tried & True, Easy-to-Follow Method That Gets YOU Laid!"
	You can't create converting copy by chasing the money. Watch your conversions massively increase when you shift your focus to HELPING as many people as you can with your product or service.

07-21-2011, 10:25 PM	#3
Gdetonator The Insane Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jul 2011 Posts: 489 Thanks: 40 Thanked 82 Times in 53 Posts	Re: Salescopy Review The copy is very cool... I'm almost sold

07-21-2011, 11:11 PM	#4
Joe Ditzel Bad Golfer War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 571 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 575 Thanked 334 Times in 203 Posts Social Networking	Re: Salescopy Review Some of your sentences seem awkward to me: "And the once I have not been talking with in about 2 months are deleted, this way I´m keeping the list of hot girls fresh and clean." I would change that to something like: "And the ones I haven't talked to in 2 months? Gone. I delete them to keep my list of hot girls fresh and clean."

07-22-2011, 05:31 AM	#5
André Silverspoon HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Oslo, Norway Posts: 209 Thanks: 19 Thanked 10 Times in 7 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Salescopy Review Thanks! I´ve changed what you guys have suggested. One of my concerns is that the story is kind of boring and not enough related, but at the same time, I think it is something that many guys can relate to.
	"With The Back Against The Wall" TheGuruSnitch FREE Controversial Report Grab It NOW!!

07-23-2011, 04:07 AM	#7
Daniel Scott The Cake Is A Lie War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Mackay, QLD, Australia Posts: 2,199 Thanks: 298 Thanked 685 Times in 390 Posts Contact Info	Re: Salescopy Review Quick thoughts... 1. There are a thousand seduction products. What makes yours better or different? 2. Are you teaching guys to pick up girls or be good in bed? Although they're related, I don't think they belong in the same product. 3. The story comes across as overwritten and melodramatic... and also as complete bull****. It also misses the point of what a good story does (makes you relatable, proves your experience, etc). There's tons of other stuff wrong... but those three will get you started. -Daniel
	Do You Want YOUR Next Launch to Pull in $164 249.59 of PURE PROFIT in just one week? Click here to discover how I can make it happen...

07-24-2011, 09:40 AM	#8
RRMarketing Conversion Scientist Join Date: Jul 2011 Posts: 35 Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts Contact Info	Re: Salescopy Review Quick critique: -> The truth is promoted by every other product out there. All products say the same thing. You don't need cars, looks, money. So it's not really a new truth, especially since the market is experienced. -> It would be better to actually say women want guys with cars, looks and money and then build a logical case why. Based on that logical case, you would show that these things can be replaced by something the prospect already owns / is. -> You are going against the guru but you are saying about the same thing. When you position yourself against the competition and determine your USP, you need to do this with your entire message, not only with your headline. Razvan
	Personal Blog On Copywriting Contact me now: Razvan.Rogoz@Gmail.Com