Kindly critique the sales letter on my page please

[gbengaijotan]

The warrior forum has been a source of help to me. been reading and trying out tips i have learn't on this forum and i recently decided to start email marketing.

I created a simple squeeze page based on the ideas i got on WF. The main aim of this squeeze page is to collect email address of individuals who are interested in information on "how to make a woman orgasm".

I want to request for a critique of my squeeze page and how i can improve it (the copywriting) to convert as much as possible etc

My Squeeze page

Thanks

[Alex Cohen]

Get rid of the red text in the bullets. Red is hard to read, plus alternating red with black bullets looks amateurish .

Add audio. LOL

Alex

[Ken_Caudill]

Originally Posted by Alex Cohen

Get rid of the red text in the bullets. Red is hard to read, plus alternating red with black bullets looks amateurish .

Add audio. LOL

Alex

Like the layout here?

It might might be a good idea to experiment a little with audio.

Here's a script:

Ohhhhh.

Ohhhhhhhhhh.

OHHHHHHHH.

Ahhhhhhhhh!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OH MY GOD!!!!

SAY MY NAME!!!

[Alex Cohen]

LOL

Funny thing is Ken, adding audio "of that" probably would boost conversions!

Alex

[Cam Connor]

"If you do not satisfy your woman sexually...she'll pretend you do---and another man will do your work for you". Learn the secrets to do it yourself today. "

That's at the bottom of your page, but it should be your headline. lol

Also, there should be a testimonial of some sort where that giant picture is. Also agree with Alex on the black/red bullets, looks weird. Just some basic formatting to make the site look a little "neater" wouldn't hurt, it just looks a bit bland just with the plain white background like that.

Your Call to Action is good, as well as the opt-in offer.

[gbengaijotan]

Originally Posted by Alex Cohen

Get rid of the red text in the bullets. Red is hard to read, plus alternating red with black bullets looks amateurish .

Add audio. LOL

Alex

Thank you for your tip. can i make it a bold black instead of red?

@Ken_Caudill, thank you soo much for the script for the audio. That's Awesome......I'll get a lady to do the voiceover for me.



May i ask as well....the Headline.....is it good enough? I am not good with copywriting, i used ideas i got from swife files for this.

Another question as well; the email optin is below the fold. Would you think the website layout should be improved on?

Thanks very much in advance

[OnlineMasterMind]

Too much copy and too salesy for a squeeze page. You only want their email... for them to show interest... to step forward. You're not trying to sell (directly) here. Think of your capture page as the headline of your funnel.

Try using less copy and condense your offer so that is easily understood instantly.

And if you can, try to keep everything above the fold.

Here is an example of a high converting squeeze page: Motley Fool Rule Breakers: One Stock You Must Buy Before the iPhone 5 Hits the Shelves...

[gbengaijotan]

Originally Posted by Cam Connor

"If you do not satisfy your woman sexually...she'll pretend you do---and another man will do your work for you". Learn the secrets to do it yourself today. "

That's at the bottom of your page, but it should be your headline. lol

Also, there should be a testimonial of some sort where that giant picture is. Also agree with Alex on the black/red bullets, looks weird. Just some basic formatting to make the site look a little "neater" wouldn't hurt, it just looks a bit bland just with the plain white background like that.

Your Call to Action is good, as well as the opt-in offer.

Sir Cam Connor; Thank you for spotting this. I am changing my headline rightaway.....

As for the call to action & optin offer, they are result of studying some call to action discussions on the forum and a little bit of what i read from Eben Pagans "Double your dating" optin page.

As for the testimonial, can you kindly throw a bit more light into that. Would that be a testimonial of someone who has used the tips offered in the free report? (I am a testimony of the free report as well...lol)

I am not good with web design, so i am not sure how to format. can you give me suggestions on what formatting that needs doing and i'll try and google search tips on how to do them myself.

Thanks very much for all your help

[Ken_Caudill]

Originally Posted by Alex Cohen

LOL

Funny thing is Ken, adding audio "of that" probably would boost conversions!

Alex

Yeah, it's probably worth trying.

[gbengaijotan]

Originally Posted by OnlineMasterMind

Too much copy and too salesy for a squeeze page. You only want their email... for them to show interest... to step forward. You're not trying to sell (directly) here. Think of your capture page as the headline of your funnel.

Try using less copy and condense your offer so that is easily understood instantly.

And if you can, try to keep everything above the fold.

Here is an example of a high converting squeeze page: Motley Fool Rule Breakers: One Stock You Must Buy Before the iPhone 5 Hits the Shelves...

Thank you OnlineMasterMind, i had a feeling it was too wordy too. I am working to do all the suggestions here. WIll put that into consideration.

[gbengaijotan]

Would you consider the picture very relevant to the sales letter?

[OnlineMasterMind]

Originally Posted by gbengaijotan

Thank you OnlineMasterMind, i had a feeling it was too wordy too. I am working to do all the suggestions here. WIll put that into consideration.

No problem. Yes, the picture is relevant but you could probably find a smaller/better pic or icon that conveys the same meaning.

Where is the traffic coming from?

[gbengaijotan]

Originally Posted by OnlineMasterMind

No problem. Yes, the picture is relevant but you could probably find a smaller/better pic or icon that conveys the same meaning.

Where is the traffic coming from?

I am looking to use fb/ppc

[Alex Cohen]

Originally Posted by gbengaijotan

Thank you for your tip. can i make it a bold black instead of red?

Yes, that's the way most professionals do it. Alternate regular black with bold black.

Alex

[gbengaijotan]

Originally Posted by Alex Cohen

Yes, that's the way most professionals do it. Alternate regular black with bold black.

Alex

Thanks very much. I just changed it to alternates of regular and bold black. I am so happy for all these tips. I found a free squeeze theme online and i am currently copying my wordings into this new theme. It has a better layout. Will upload it as soon as i am done.

Thanks everyone. I REALLY appreciate your help.

[gbengaijotan]

I just used all the tips given to me on this thread (except with the audio - working with a voiceover for it). I also used a new layout (free template) i got on the web.

Here's the latest redesign

Looking forward to further reviews

[Cam Connor]

Originally Posted by gbengaijotan

Sir Cam Connor; Thank you for spotting this. I am changing my headline rightaway.....

As for the call to action & optin offer, they are result of studying some call to action discussions on the forum and a little bit of what i read from Eben Pagans "Double your dating" optin page.

As for the testimonial, can you kindly throw a bit more light into that. Would that be a testimonial of someone who has used the tips offered in the free report? (I am a testimony of the free report as well...lol)

I am not good with web design, so i am not sure how to format. can you give me suggestions on what formatting that needs doing and i'll try and google search tips on how to do them myself.

Thanks very much for all your help

A testimonial at the top would give your page some credibility right off the bat. Very important. And yes, the testimonial should be from someone other than yourself.

I suck at web design also, I'd recommend just hiring someone to do it for you, but honestly, I think it looks better now.