Are you an expert copywriter?

[JasonMaxwell]

Jason C. Maxwell All Access Pass

take a look at this sales letter and tell me what I am doing right and tell me what I am doing wrong.

Jason C. Maxwell

[travlinguy]

A bit too much in your headline, I'd say. You're also going down a very worn out road with the "gurus keeping all the wisdom to themselves" approach. I'm not sure anyone ever really bought into that stuff.

I'd suggest a different angle. If you've actually figured out how to make money online then tell your story of struggle, search for an answer and then enlightenment or the light bulb moment when it all came together.

When relating to how others feel you don't need to identify a bad guy. The bad guy can be frustration or poor choices in marketing strategies. This is stuff virtually everyone starting out can relate to.

Then talk more about what happened to turn it all around. Then show some proof of success. Then tell them what you have that makes you different than every other guru-bashing schumk out there . Then put in a killer call to action. Then you have something that might work, if you do a good job with it. It's a simple, time tested formula. Good luck.

[BrianMcLeod]

Originally Posted by JasonMaxwell

Jason C. Maxwell All Access Pass

take a look at this sales letter and tell me what I am doing right and tell me what I am doing wrong.

Jason C. Maxwell

Um... No.

Please?

Would you mind?

I'd love it if you'd be kind enough to...?

Sheesh.

[DougHughes]

Hi,

I'll tell you what myself and some of my clients are experiencing lately. Adding a graphic header reduces and in many cases kills conversion.

Oh yeah, and BTW for others going with the "as seen in" icons, in a lot of our campaigns we've actually seen those decrease conversions. I think people are seeing too many of those.

What's new is old and what's old is new again...

I don't know how often I've seen cheesy looking sites with no header winning lately. Lead with a benefit oriented headline.

My first question is who are you and why should I believe anything you say?

I like the little guy getting duped angle but feel it's a bit drawn out.

"What if you were pals with a successful internet marketer?" Unsubstantiated. That testimonial doesn't do it for me. I think you need much more proof.

Next question, what is your USP. I can get the same kind of thing from people I know are gurus like Armand Morin, Eben Pagan, Steven Pierce, etc...

You can join there coaching programs and they have much more credibility. Whether they are crack marketers or not is beside the point. This is about perception.

Selling from a position of power... specialists and gurus aren't typically available for "one on one" access. Rather, you would say perhaps "access to my personally trained success coaches who've helped more than 170 Success Club Gold clients earn more than $14,357,456..." Now testimonials, case studies, endorsements, etc...

"Full access to me by email and by phone" Yikes...to me that says desperation, misunderstanding of priorities and affects credibility. If I'm a marketer, that's what I'm doing. I don't have time to personally talk to $47/mo clients. One of my personally trained staff will.

Additionally, I read "full access to..." I don't see any benefits there. Pretend I'm one of your prospects, I'm busy, work full time, have a wife and kids, social commitments, etc...okay, full access, great, but what's the payoff?

Testimonial headlines are weak. Need specific benefits not general ones like "Carol loves what I did for her business." More like "Carol C. of Candles by Night increased sales by 37% for an additional $7436/mo"

No...no...no..."If You Do Not Do This I am Officially taking Away Your Ability To Complain About Not Being Able To Make Money Online."

I still don't know who you are? And when you tell me your doing something official, you haven't proven to me you have the authority to do something official.

But that's just the half of it...you aren't selling the benefits or the dream, and dropping this bomb where someone should be entranced by your copy is not a good idea.

I would recommend taking them somewhere, transporting them into the future, giving them examples of the benefits people who've bought into this are now enjoying.

Personally I try to avoid harsh scary bombs in stuff like this. Really, in my experience, scary bombs go at the beginning "problem" phase. Of course there are exceptions but rule of thumb, push with fear, pull with hope.

I think this is too "You" oriented, and by you, I don't mean you the reader, I mean you.

This statement is not a good attempt at creating urgency "This Opportunity Is So Full Of Content And So full Of One On One Help That Everyone I Know Is Begging Me To Pull It Off The Market"...and I'll tell you why.

Again, the problem with this is credibility. There is nothing in this copy that makes me believe what you have to say.

Beside that benefits are lacking and even in the stories about the gurus, none of the claims are substantiated.

Hope that helps. D

[Dean Jackson]

I think you need to atleast pick up a few books on writing copy - at the very minimum, follow a template to get the structure right.

You don't have credibility, you're asking people to just trust you... take travlinguy's advice and write an authentic story on your success, where you're at now, and add the proof to back it up.

I think this is a do over.

The guru bashing thing is getting old too lol... maybe throw it in somewhere later but the introduction isn't very convincing...

"The problem is not the people, the problem is the guru's that know how to do this stuff want to closely guard it so no one except their friends gets the real information."

Dean

[pizzlemynizzle]

You also have to give people a little preview of your methods because it just seems like you're saying a lot about nothing. Something like "Having videos on YouTube can increase your traffic exponentially. I'll show you how to milk your videos for all the traffic they're worth"

[Mark Andrews]

Why Not Offer Something in Return for a Copywriting Critique?

Originally Posted by Pete Walker

There seems to be a never ending stream of people lately asking for critique after critique and many of them it's obvious that not a lot of thought or care and attention has gone into the sales copy.

Just a suggestion but if you're after a critique from the copywriting professionals in this forum - why not offer them something in return for their trouble and time?

They don't get a cent out of providing you with their expert opinions, they're giving their time away and to boot... some killer tips often which in some instances have taken years of knowledge to pick up.

Yet too many times this expert knowledge is being taken for granted. Hell's teeth, quite a few individuals don't even say please anymore. As though it's a given that we've got to give our knowledge away free of charge.

I would have thought that the least a lot of you could do would be to say something along these lines...

"Please, I'm looking for a critique of my sales copy, would you mind having a look at http://www.???.com (or whatever) and give me some constructive criticism to boost my conversion rate? I'll tell you what I'll do since I'm asking you all to give away your time and expertise, if you offer me some advice, I'll give you my product in exchange free of charge for your advice."

I think this would go a long way with many of the more experienced copywriters here who these days hold back from giving their knowledge away because quite frankly, there's nothing in it for them to do so.

It's a two way street asking for a free copywriting critique.

Show these copywriters you appreciate them more.

And at the very least... do have the minimal courtesy to thank each poster when they do offer you their advice.

Simply click on the Thanks Button.


Pete Walker

[Rockwell]

Your sentences seem to ramble on and on. I would say you might want to hire somebody to get this rewritten in a readable format. It needs to be more on the point and punchy (is that a word?)

[Mark Andrews]

Originally Posted by JasonMaxwell

take a look at this sales letter and tell me what I am doing right and tell me what I am doing wrong.

Jason C. Maxwell

Pretty much everything is wrong in the sales letter. There's your starting point.

It looks like you cobbled this together in about 2 hours maximum with little or no thought put into it whatsoever.

The main headline for starters doesn't make sense.

And you yourself offering this service... you have zero credibility.

You've simply grabbed this and that from elsewhere, chucked it all together and thought to yourself... this is as good a reason as any, why someone, anyone, should buy this.

In short you're looking at making money on the cheap with a next to no value product and no doubt zero experience in this market. I've seen it all before. All too often unfortunately.

Overall you need to stop duping others with offers such as this which you have no means of backing up. You shouldn't be offering mentoring to newbies - period. Or positioning yourself as an expert when you're sales letter screams 'amateur' so very loud and clear.

Now you might think this sounds harsh. Maybe, maybe not. But first, the way you asked for a critique here was to the point, demanding and rude. No successful Internet marketing coach would even think to come in here and demand such help and assistance from the professional copywriters on this forum as you've done here.

And second... unfortunately it's the truth. Your request was nothing more than a bit of link bait. You're not serious about asking for a critique of this at all. If you were... you would have already responded by now, but from you there's been no participation on this thread at all - so you deserve point blank truth...

Which stated thus... "Anyone who joins this seriously needs their head examining."

You claim that your mentoring is free and lo and behold scroll down and suddenly there's a cost involved. Bit of a disconnect there, no? You can work it out for yourself. I'm saying no more. Overall deceptive at best and a complete rip off at worst is my impression after reading your sales letter.

You've got a hell of a lot of work to do... A/ To bring whatever mentoring skill/s you don't have yet up to a professional standard and... B/ Conveying your offer in anything resembling a convincing offer.

Go back to the drawing board and start again with yourself first. And ONLY when you're in a position to teach others, offer this service to others. And definitely not before.

Originally Posted by lutzi

Your sentences seem to ramble on and on. I would say you might want to hire somebody to get this rewritten in a readable format. It needs to be more on the point and punchy (is that a word?)

You hit the nail on the head. And yes, punchy is a word. Another affirmative... he definitely needs to be more on the point, you're completely right. Only he can't do so because he can't live up to his own promises. A bit of a problem going on there.

If he were in a position to do what's he's saying he can do for others, his sales letter would have been written far differently. The whole thing screams a massive lack of experience.

He's clearly trying to position himself as something which he's not.

Your post / reply was bang on the money.

Best,


Pete Walker

[Rockwell]

Thanks Pete. I thought I heard people using the word punchy before...

Also, I agree with you that this was probably link bait. I didn't think about it when I clicked into it. I didn't think that people did that on the Warrior Forum. I guess I learned my lesson and will watch more closely for it in the future.

[Bruce NewMedia]

"I am a successful full time internet marketer, I have no other job and I live a very nice lifestyle."

That one sentence is the entire extent of credibility you present in the salespage.

There's no point in 'working' on the page. I would hire a copywriter and have her/him start over.
_____
Bruce