Critique My "Hypnotic" Sales Letter

[writeandreview]

Hi -

If you've a spare moment, would you mind taking a look at my "hypnotic" sales letter.

I'll warn you up front, it's long. Almost 1200 words of pure, unadulterated, Harlan Kilstein, Joe Vitale style copy.

(I left out the adjective "wannabe". It should've gone right between the words "unadulterated" and "Harlan".)

Frankly, I've never written a letter of this length and, among (many) other things I'm concerned about with the piece, I'm not sure it moves quickly enough.

While writing, my partner and I formed a few creative differences on a few issues.

(Of course, I was probably right about most things, but can't know for sure until I get feedback from reliable sources.)

Pointers and criticisms warmly welcomed.

Thanks in advance for taking the time.

Matt Writes Anything & SEO Theory, Strategy - Death By Digital Products Sales Copy - Long

[Mark Andrews]

I thought you could labor the pain felt slightly more, really drill it home the worst case scenario of losing everything. Agitate it massively...

"Imagine the look in your spouses face, the shock, the despair, the horror as the realization hits home. And worst of all the silence. After all... what words could possibly fill this... this financial abyss?

Imagine the look of dismay on your children's faces when you tell them in tears they'll be no vacation or christmas or birthday presents this year."


Etc etc...

Couple of very minor typo's, other than that, very good. Like it.

Best of luck with it Matt!


Pete Walker

[writeandreview]

This:

Originally Posted by Pete Walker

"Imagine the look in your spouses face, the shock, the despair, the horror as the realization hits home. And worst of all the silence. After all... what words could possibly fill this... this financial abyss?

Imagine the look of dismay on your children's faces when you tell them in tears they'll be no vacation or christmas or birthday presents this year."

... is fantastic writing! Thanks Pete!

[Mark Andrews]

You're more than welcome, not bad since I'm running a high temperture, got the shivers, sneezing non-stop, coughing my guts up and have the flu.

I'm feeling bloody terrible!

Thank you ever so much for the compliment. Really appreciated!

Kindest regards,


Pete

PS You can strike the fear of God into them with this scenario, make them tremble with fear and then ease their emotions back around to your ideal solution.

And then close the deal. Simple. Their relief will be there in bucketloads if you can help them to prevent this scenario from occuring anytime in the future.

PPS Also use perhaps some statistics to back up your claim.

PPPS And of course introduce a storyline which the reader can very easily relate to. Segment it. Close with a happy ending close to the bottom of the sales letter. That'll keep the reader interested in the outcome and sliding down the sales copy.

Then transition their emotion smoothly into the close, the natural and sensible direction to take to avoid this happening to them in the future.

Their relief will be immeasurable and instantly you've just become the expert authority figure in your target prospects mind.

[ThomasOMalley]

Your sales letter is a good start.

You need a clear call to action at the end of your sales letter. I would even have one or two order buttons from half way down the sales letter to the two-thirds point in your sales letter.

You must have a powerful guarantee that is spelled out in the body of the sales letter. You mention the guarantee in the P.S. But that's not enough.

Best,

Thomas

[writeandreview]

Good point about the guarantee, Thomas.

I'm not the product owner, this is just the text all by its lonesome.

When it hits production, you're right, there should be accompanying graphics and buttons.

I'll make sure the product owner takes your advice into account. Thanks!

[Ross Bowring]

Matt,

Good effort.

Death by Digital Products isn't a good title. Not benefit or solution orientated at first glance. Just very negative.

You might be burying the lead here a bit. That being to my eyes that a single vigilante customer can bring your life and your finances tumbling down.

Maybe equate it to being mugged on the street by a random thug. This is "Income Self-Defense For The Digital Marketer." Maybe that's a title. I dunno.

Gotta go...

Hope this helps.

--- Ross

[writeandreview]

Originally Posted by Ross Bowring

You might be burying the lead here a bit. That being to my eyes that a single vigilante customer can bring your life and your finances tumbling down.
[...]
This is "Income Self-Defense For The Digital Marketer." Maybe that's a title. I dunno.

"Burying the lead" -- what a great way to say it.

(Don't mind me as I scratch that one onto my little yellow notepad.)

I like the word picture your title evokes. Very much.

If the product owner doesn't want it as a title, it will definitely find a home within the copy. Thanks!

[Alex Cohen]

Matt,

A couple things.

The pre-head "5 Years In The Making" is not adequately resolved in the copy. The reader is left wondering, what happened during those 5 years? At least make a reference to it.

Add an adjective or two to the noun "Insider". Specifics increase believability, so specify what kind of insider the person is. Something like "Banking Industry Insider".

Alex

[writeandreview]

Originally Posted by Alex Cohen

Matt,

The pre-head "5 Years In The Making" is not adequately resolved in the copy.

Add an adjective or two to the noun "Insider". Specifics increase believability, so specify what kind of insider the person is.

You're right, I completely missed referencing the "5 year" thing in the body copy. Ack.

Would you believe a few of the previous drafts had adjectives describing "Insider"? I took them out because I was concerned about wordiness.

That's one of those internal debates that I needed advice to resolve. Thanks Alex!

[Ansar Pasha]

Matt, you've got some awesome chops!

The only thing I want to nitpick is that there's no specificity in the headline... yes, you say what you're offer is going to do, but I think you could explain what the consequences are for not taking care of issues like chargebacks, and shady customers. The body copy is strong, but you could be a little clearer about what exactly your offer is going to be about before leading in.

You could also add some extra elements like a risk reversal, scarcity of some sort, and a bonus.

Great effort though

Ansar

[JustSomeWarrior]

There's a spot where you repeat "Everything you need to know" 5 times in a row without a break. That ruined the flow for me and interjected a pause strong enough have me switch back to this tab to note it for you. There's no reason to repeat "Everything you need to know" in each bullet point.

I agree with a previous comment that you need multiple calls to action and offers to buy BEFORE the end of the article.

One good place to put your first offer would be right after Pete's suggested improvement to the painful picture you are painting.

Adding some testimonials would be great - especially from people that you have seen "lose it all" and then people who had their asses saved thanks to your product.

[writeandreview]

Originally Posted by Ansar Pasha

The only thing I want to nitpick is that there's no specificity in the headline... ... you could be a little clearer about what exactly your offer is going to be about before leading in.

You could also add some extra elements like a risk reversal, scarcity of some sort, and a bonus.

Great insights Ansar. I considered trying a pre-head to set things off in the right direction / provide more clarity. I think the suggestion from Alex Cohen to use an adjective in the headline to describe the type of insider would help with this too.

Risk reversal, scarcity and a bonus are good suggestions too. Thanks for taking the time!

[writeandreview]

Originally Posted by JustSomeWarrior

There's a spot where you repeat "Everything you need to know" 5 times in a row without a break. That ruined the flow for me ...

One good place to put your first offer would be right after Pete's suggested improvement to the painful picture you are painting.

Adding some testimonials would be great ...

The "Everything you need to know ..." bullets were three and suddenly grew to five, kinda like what happens when a Mogwai (Gremlin) gets wet.

I thought the repeating pattern would "hide" the "Everything you ..." text from the readers' minds. Good to get feedback on this. Thanks!

[Daniel Scott]

Ross nailed it, as always... but I'm gonna add something further...

Why you?

What makes you someone with advice I should follow - or even listen to?

What's your story? What, if anything, gives you the edge needed to get the drop on these wannabe cyber-bullies?

I think Ross' lead idea is awesome... and of course I'd run with it and paint a picture of these people as fraudsters jealous that you're making something of yourself.

I'd also change the opening to perhaps speak to moderately successful marketers as well as broke ones. You can use their perception of themselves as persuasion - once you establish they're successful (even if they haven't made a lot of money yet), and successful marketers don't let (your product price) stand in the way of bulletproofing their entire business from disgruntled assholes... you're home and hosed.

Just some big picture stuff, because the writing ain't bad at all.

-Daniel

[ewenmack]

Hi Matt,

I don't know who your are targeting, the person who has been already ripped off,
or the person who has no idea he's at risk.

Letter doesn't tell me.

Will need a different approach for each reader.

Next, you come out firing too late at announcing the problem.

Come out guns blazing right from the beginning.

Use emotive words like Warning, rip-offs, preying on the innocent.

You've already shown you can do it, even if on a lighter scale.

Would like to see more specifics in your bullets to tease the reader.

And finally come up with a new name for it...something with the word LOCK in it I'm thinking.

Best,
Ewen

[Mark Andrews]

Originally Posted by om4457

Not too bad, is this your first copy?

What makes you (whoever you are) say?... "Not too bad."

What do you mean by this specifically?

[writeandreview]

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

Why you?

What makes you someone with advice I should follow - or even listen to?

I'd also change the opening to perhaps speak to moderately successful marketers as well as broke ones. You can use their perception of themselves as persuasion ...

Totally agree. A few more bits about the product creator's story plus a few well-worded testimonials should help with the credibility problem. (And I can see now that it is a problem.)

Thanks for the well thought out input Daniel!

[writeandreview]

Originally Posted by ewenmack

I don't know who your are targeting, the person who has been already ripped off, or the person who has no idea he's at risk.

Come out guns blazing right from the beginning.

Use emotive words like Warning, rip-offs, preying on the innocent.

And finally come up with a new name for it...something with the word LOCK in it I'm thinking.

Good stuff.

The targets are "unsuspecting, naive and inexperienced" marketers. You're right, I never come out and directly address that specific state (naivety). I touch it a bit with the "Think it can't happen? Think again." line, but I don't use it to its full potential.

The word "prey" is perfect for this pitch. So many metaphorical references bubble up that they almost write themselves.

Ah yes, the product name. 'Tis not my decision, although this thread has been made available to the product owner (who is actually one helluva good guy).

Thanks much for the input, Ewen!

[ewenmack]

Since you are targeting the unsuspecting, then it would be great
if you can come up with statistics and more horror stories
to rattle their cage.

It needs to be done because they don't know they have the problem
and it's not you just saying it, it's all these other sources you quote.

The last thing that needs to go in before the order button is the three way close.

Give them 3 choices...

#1 Do nothing and play Russian Roulette with their business,
their years of sacrifice, their family's well-being at risk

#2 Try to figure out how to put a iron-clad wall up themselves
and still end up at risk from the most devious raiders of their money

#3 The best choice and call in the expert who knows how to keep out preying scum.

You can't let them off the hook by not letting them know
the consequences of each action...

especially when so much is at risk.

Best,
Ewen

[ewenmack]

Despite the best efforts, I expect it will be a slow seller because
they haven't put up their hand saying they want help.

Or in other words, it isn't a starving market.

Best,
Ewen

[Harlan]

Originally Posted by writeandreview

Hi -

If you've a spare moment, would you mind taking a look at my "hypnotic" sales letter.

I'll warn you up front, it's long. Almost 1200 words of pure, unadulterated, Harlan Kilstein, Joe Vitale style copy.

(I left out the adjective "wannabe". It should've gone right between the words "unadulterated" and "Harlan".)

‪Harlan Kilstein Copywriting...

[MarketingMembers]

Hello,

I'm Daniel Sells. The product owner. First I want to say thank you for your input. I really appreciate it. I don't think there has ever been a "perfect" sales letter but with your help we are getting really darn close. So Thank You.

One of the suggestions was to add a bit more of a scare. Pete you did an amazing job at this. I added the entire section to the page. It was just that good. Thank You

There is also a post about the "Everything you need to know...." repeated 5 times. I agree. It's been changed to a more natural flow. Thanks for pointing that out.

Ross mentioned changing the product title to "Income Self-Defense For The Digital Marketer." I think I'm going to test it and see what the results are. Great idea Ross.

Ewen had tons of great ideas. Thank You Ewen. The one I like the most is the you have 3 options idea.

Today, I have a slightly different version of the sales letter. I've used a sorta "shock and ...what?" technique a few times by starting off with something totally ... strange and I've decided to try this here too. After you read just a few words you'll know what I'm talking about.

Will you please take a moment to review the current version of the site?

Death By Digital Product - SITE LINK

Thanks,
Daniel

P.S. Yes my real name is Daniel Sells

[Harlan]

Originally Posted by MarketingMembers

Will you please take a moment to review the current version of the site?

Death By Digital Product - SITE LINK

Thanks,
Daniel

P.S. Yes my real name is Daniel Sells

It's seriously bad. Shoot it and put it out of it's misery.

Hire a copywriter from the board.

If time is money, you're wasting money.

[MarketingMembers]

Originally Posted by Harlan

It's seriously bad. Shoot it and put it out of it's misery.

Hire a copywriter from the board.

If time is money, you're wasting money.

Hey Harlan, The video just loaded. Great info. Thank You

[writeandreview]

Originally Posted by Harlan

‪Harlan Kilstein Copywriting Critique‬‏ - YouTube

Utterly, completely, seriously ...

Fantastic!

Thanks for the video critique. Certainly an unexpected treat.

The basic structure of this letter was modeled on other prominent sales letters. However, the stories and word pictures are mine.

Frankly, I shared the same concerns you voiced about the pace of the beginning.

As far as the psychological tactics, (jarring the reader so hard that he loses interest, forcing/telling rather than suggesting, and asking questions), that's good stuff to learn.

Thanks Harlan.

[Mark Andrews]

Your first version was better. A lot better.

Your deck / intro has now lost me completely. Sometimes you can rework something too much and in doing so lose sight of your goal.

I'd scrap what you've got now above the fold (Admittedly, I didn't read any further down) having read enough there to realize this isn't going to do what you want it to do now.

As Harlan said... I think you guys might be best off handing this project over to one of the pro's on this forum. I don't mean to offend you at all stating this, far from it.

But at the end of the day... you want this to convert as highly as possible and with an intro like this one now - I've got a feeling it's going to go belly up very quickly. And might just be a big disappointment for you.

The investment will be well worth it and will pay for itself over and over again placing this copy in the hands of a pro copywriter to give it a final going over.

Good luck with it.

Best,


Pete Walker

[writeandreview]

Hi Pete -

I think Daniel wanted to try out some stuff in the version he linked. I've seen it before and while I think the socks thing is clever, it's a little too cutesy for my taste. Nothing wrong with experimenting though.

I'd like to chop the pitch in half, lay it out with some great bullets on a nice single page design with some pics of Daniel and his team "in action".

Maybe save the stories for an e-mail.

Thanks again for your thoughts!

[Mark Andrews]

No problem. My pleasure.

I just sent you a pm with some further thoughts.

Kindest regards,


Pete

[Steve The Copywriter]

I'm a touch confused.

Leaving aside the letter (apologies - I just haven't had the chance to read it).

But I've used the Problem, Agitate, (Agitate a bit more) and Solve formula many times with great success.

The last time was in 2010 and the response was excellent.

Are we saying this now is "old hat" and shouldn't be used anymore...

[Ansar Pasha]

Steve, I think Harlan is critiquing this because he specializes in NLP copywriting... I have not studied his work or NLP in depth yet, but I know the rules are a little different.

From a non-NLP stand point, I think it does a decent job, apart from the few minor flaws that are going to be ironed out.

So no, this doesn't make classic copywriting "old hat"

Ansar

[RefundHost]

Was not hypnotic - but it did put me to sleep. Too long.

Why not put all that info into a VIDEO broken up with
images and shots of you talking - so it is not such a CHORE
to read it? Get your relationship developed with the buyer.

[Mark Andrews]

Originally Posted by RefundHost

Was not hypnotic - but it did put me to sleep. Too long.

Why not put all that info into a VIDEO broken up with
images and shots of you talking - so it is not such a CHORE
to read it? Get your relationship developed with the buyer.

Why should he?

Do you have proven facts that within this niche video will convert better or is this simply a personal preference?

[Harlan]

Originally Posted by Ansar Pasha

Steve, I think Harlan is critiquing this because he specializes in NLP copywriting... I have not studied his work or NLP in depth yet, but I know the rules are a little different.

From a non-NLP stand point, I think it does a decent job, apart from the few minor flaws that are going to be ironed out.

So no, this doesn't make classic copywriting "old hat"

Ansar

Harlan critiqued it because his name was used as a model for the letter.

It's just plain awful copy in version one or version two.

Let the owner make a contest for the best converting copy and let everyone go for it.

$1000 bucks to the winner.

But this letter is painful to read.

[Ansar Pasha]

Harlan, I'm sure it will work much better if he follows your system to the T... but I don't think it's "awful" lol...

Guess we'll just have to wait and see the results to judge.

Ansar

[Steve The Copywriter]

It's not the greatest copy in the world - but version 2 is not awful.

(They layout is not great and it still rambles a bit).

But, I've seen a lot worse - which have done well.

(I think the biggest mistake was mentioning Harlans' name in post 1 but at least it got a free critique).

Anyway...

The copy is only part of the deal and it can always be further improved.

The owner needs to get lots of targeted traffic to the site.

And then we'll see...

[ASCW]

I would not recommend you spend any money to drive traffic to either page.

Both versions need a lot of work before they are ready.
(I will focus my critiques on the 2nd version)

There is one common mistake that appears everywhere in your copy.
It is too wordy. Too many words that are trying to be clever or dazzle.(whether you realize it or not)

Take following sentence.

"Forced to watch as their businesses, once flying high, stall and begin irreversible, agonizing death spirals and eventually crash and burn."

That's a lot of words - and they are not needed.

"They're out there. The scoundrels. The more successful you become, the more of them you’ll come across. The more they will try to get their hooks into you. The more they will try to tear apart everything you’ve built."

You never really paint a solid picture of who "they" are. Rotten apples, scoundrels, corporate automatons. But these are all way to vague.

"The absolute best way to combat attempts by clueless corporate automatons and dishonest consumers to seize your money and destroy your business is to operate from a position of strength. "

That is one sentence. Also it doesn't make any sense. It is also vague and doesn't even really say anything.

Mistakes like these, in my eyes, nearly define this piece.

Onward...

Also how come the beginning of your copy is geared towards aspiring marketers.
You do all this fancy nlp stuff, to make them imagine the day they finally achieve success.
But then you are selling a product that protects an established business.
What would a struggling up and comer who hasn't made it yet. Need to worry about
"Can I protect my business, my family, myself from this financial nightmare?
The answer is a resounding, definite YES! And I'll tell you how.
The absolute best way to combat attempts by clueless corporate automatons and dishonest consumers to seize your money and destroy your business is to operate from a position of strength. "


Can you see how backwards this is?

But here's a little gem I found buried in your copy.

"
Think about this –
It takes just one disgruntled customer, one bad apple, one rotten, low down, dirty liar to flatten in a matter of minutes what’s taken you years to build."


This is pretty close to the heart of your offer isn't it? Stopping this from happening?


Imagine if your opening was something like this...


"Dear Internet Business Owner...


Did you know? It takes only one unhappy customer complaint to the FTC - to cause the FTC to shut you down entirely?



To shut down your sites.
To... (Some other terrible thing)
And even drain your bank accounts?

This all because of lopsided consumer protection laws. That do nothing to protect you. And will shut your business down in a heartbeat.


It's true - here's what the official FTC says


"(Find legal and official stats that demonstrate this)..."


But here's a way to protect yourself blah blah blah.


Gets straight to the point, etc.

[writeandreview]

Hi Andy,

Appreciate your comments. Your points about "vagueness" are well-taken, as are the comments about "wordiness/verbosity" and "cleverness".

Just as previously mentioned by Ross Bowring and a few others, you've identified that the true target for the product is, to borrow a term, "buried within the copy".

On a side note, I read your WSO sales pitch. I like it.

While I haven't studied John Carlton and others you mentioned, save trying to put this piece together last week, I can see their effect in your work.

(There seem to be a common set of copywriter phrases, one-liners and transitions that I should pick up / memorize.)

The comments here have been fantastically insightful.

(The folks who call you all stuck-up, classless slugs have got it all wrong.)

This process has led to a discovery of living copywriters, both here and elsewhere, who's work I admire. (Ben Settle, in particular, rocks.)

Thanks again Andy!

P.S. You are correct about this sentence not making sense:

"The absolute best way to combat attempts by clueless corporate automatons and dishonest consumers to seize your money and destroy your business is to operate from a position of strength."

At first glance, it sorta makes sense. However, pulling out the phrases, prepositional and otherwise, and leaving object and action to stand alone, as one ought when checking for clarity, you get:

"The absolute best way is [to operate]."

Nice catch.

[WD Mino]

Harlan,

typical dorkish behavior.
This fellow looks up to you so you rip him apart?

You have a very questionable reputation to begin with so you would think it is really something when someone actually looks up to you and tries to write a decent letter.

But what else can you expect from you right?
-WD

[tpw]

Originally Posted by Harlan

Harlan critiqued it because his name was used as a model for the letter.

It's just plain awful copy in version one or version two.

Harlan harshly criticized your copy, because he was embarrassed that your copy did not look like something he would have written himself...

The ass kissers jumped on board when Harlan criticized you... (Did you notice how the responses shifted from mostly positive before to mostly negative after Harlan spoke?)

And honestly, the only person I think who has a right to be embarrassed by your OP is Joe Vitale, because you put Harlan in the same group as him.

[writeandreview]

And honestly, the only person I think who has a right to be embarrassed by your OP is Joe Vitale, because you put Harlan in the same group as him.

No harm intended on my part.

This bulk of this letter was written in a few days - and being that it was my first try at something this long, I gathered as much material as I could about long form sales letters.

(I admit, my letter is a "mish-mash" of techniques compiled from all the sources I could put my hands on last week.)

All of the writers here have been awesome to share their time and expertise.

And since my primary goal is to help Daniel move product, to that end, this thread is a success.

Thanks for posting!

[Harlan]

Originally Posted by tpw

Harlan harshly criticized your copy, because he was embarrassed that your copy did not look like something he would have written himself...

The ass kissers jumped on board when Harlan criticized you... (Did you notice how the responses shifted from mostly positive before to mostly negative after Harlan spoke?)

And honestly, the only person I think who has a right to be embarrassed by your OP is Joe Vitale, because you put Harlan in the same group as him.

I guess Joe would be mortified.

Since I wrote for him and we are friends.

[tpw]

Originally Posted by Harlan

I guess Joe would be mortified.

Since I wrote for him and we are friends.

I guess he would be...

I have read your stuff and his, and I don't even put the two of you in the same league...

[writeandreview]

Originally Posted by WD Mino

typical dorkish behavior.

Ha ha. I can't help but think he knows exactly what he's doing and how he comes across.

One of the sources I used last week was a book titled "Steal This Book!". Harlan is the author. I found some pretty good stuff in there.

Thanks for posting WD.

[Harlan]

Originally Posted by tpw

I guess he would be...

I have read your stuff and his, and I don't even put the two of you in the same league...

Every bright light attracts some bugs.

[Ross Bowring]

Matt... you're exhibiting a model attitude for how people should accept constructive criticism.

All the best as you put what you're learning to work.

--- Ross

[Harlan]

Originally Posted by Ross Bowring

Matt... you're exhibiting a model attitude for how people should accept constructive criticism.

All the best as you put what you're learning to work.

--- Ross

Matt and Daniel have been very happy with the critique.

I even spoke with Daniel by phone about the product.

THEY don't have a problem with the critique.

But this is the nature of the Warrior Forum Copywriting Section.

Which is why I don't drop in very often.

[Mark Andrews]

It was his first ever attempt Harlan at a long form sales letter.

I'm referring to the first version which you described in your own words as 'awful'.

Not to put too fine a point a point on it but for a first ever attempt at a long form sales letter I thought he actually did very well.

And at least it was in his own words.

Compared to a lot of the supposed copy which passes this way on this forum it was a cut above the rest. The guy has very good potential.

This should be applauded. Give the guy some encouragement at the very least - a pat on the back for a job well done. It was a bloody good first attempt. Yeah sure, a few problems here and there but not at all bad for a greenhorn long form sales letter copywriter in the making.

Of course if the product owner can afford the investment, invest in one of the higher quality copywriters to really drive up the conversion rate. But in the meantime... WriteReview isn't doing a bad job at all, he'll get there with a bit of training and more practice.

[RefundHost]

Originally Posted by Pete Walker

Originally Posted by RefundHost
Was not hypnotic - but it did put me to sleep. Too long.

Why not put all that info into a VIDEO broken up with
images and shots of you talking - so it is not such a CHORE
to read it? Get your relationship developed with the buyer.


Why should he?

Do you have proven facts that within this niche video will convert better or is this simply a personal preference?

Why?

I bet more of us watched Harlan's video than read all the OP's copy. lol

THE NICHE is FIRST "internet users" who tune out fast if you bore them.

The copy is written as "one guy writing to me".
Much easier to connect with him if he is talking to me on a video
and much less effort.

If the OP's web hosting fees are higher than his sales, he should do video.
The video would need to be pretty bad to underperform that long page.

As far as your question about whether or not I have proven facts
about this niche converting better with video - look around - many
sites are using video ( not all ) with far better results than long copy.

The proven fact that I do have is this:

- After TRYING a video, the OP himself will have facts relevant to HIS business.

- Not trying video, he is missing a big opportunity to test it.

( But again - if sales are higher than hosting fees ... it's profitable,
and some people are satisfied with that and don't want to mess it up. lol )

[RefundHost]

Originally Posted by Pete Walker

It was his first ever attempt Harlan at a long form sales letter.

I'm referring to the first version which you described in your own words as 'awful'.

Not to put too fine a point a point on it but for a first ever attempt at a long form sales letter I thought he actually did very well.

And at least it was in his own words.

Compared to a lot of the supposed copy which passes this way on this forum it was a cut above the rest. The guy has very good potential.

This should be applauded. Give the guy some encouragement at the very least - a pat on the back for a job well done. It was a bloody good first attempt. Yeah sure, a few problems here and there but not at all bad for a greenhorn long form sales letter copywriter in the making.

Of course if the product owner can afford the investment, invest in one of the higher quality copywriters to really drive up the conversion rate. But in the meantime... WriteReview isn't doing a bad job at all, he'll get there with a bit of training and more practice.

I will say one thing for Harlan:

Harlan ripped into that site BECAUSE he cares.
If Harlan ( or me, above ) did not LIKE the guy, see his potential,
and WANT him to SUCCEED ... we'd just say NOTHING.

Harlan is not the guy's mom who will say "Oh that's lovely" even though it wont perform. Harlan has years of study and comprehension of the psychology behind the response > conversion vs. surf-away

I get neg feedback all the time when I say the things that WILL HELP.
( Even took a dig at Harlan on his own thread - but I also give credit where credit is due )

Nobody put as much effort into encouraging the OP as Harlan just did.

To then be chastised and advised to "give the guy some encouragement"
is the most ridiculous thing ever.

Hopefully the OP will see it my way ( because some of us do want to
help people succeed and it won't help anyone to let them continue with
ineffective copy or offers and those who REALLY want to help will
kick their a** until they understand and gain ABILITY to earn )