Need Critique on a very short (and hopefully sweet) salespage

BizBooks · 01-06-2009, 05:32 AM

PayPal MassPay Guide

I really would like to get the sales page finished today--

this is an ebook that is short, sweet, and to the point.

Is My Headline Good?

What parts should I focus on first?

dorothydot · 01-06-2009, 07:14 AM

Here are some thoughts:
I would use your How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use! Statement as your main headline. This is honest and compelling, and easier to understand than If You are Willing to Spend $7.00 to stop throwing $100 bills into PayPal's coffers, Keep on Reading...

And you could combine "Dear Friend" and "Do you use Paypal?" into one more concise greeting: "Dear PayPal User". Questions are always tricky and don't seem to work very well here. Remember, you don't want your words to get in the way of your message.

"Is PayPal Too Expensive? paypal mass pay guide book
Does PayPal Eat into Your Profits Too Much?
It's no fun to see several percent of every payment shaved off." Is a good button to push, but you need to present it a bit more compellingly. More like Cut Paypal costs and prevent paypal from eating into your profits – put a specific chart/statistic or proof of some sort here.

Hope this helps!
Dot

BizBooks · 01-06-2009, 07:34 AM

Are You a PayPal Sucker?
Do You Pay PayPal Fees Through The Nose?

STOP PAYING THOSE CRAZY PAYPAL FEES RIGHT NOW!!

Dear Warrior,

Do You Use PayPal?

Do you really know how much you lose on PayPal transactions ?

Is it 5%, 10%... or even more?

PayPal is The "Silent Partner" In Your Business, taking Fat Commissions of Every Dollar You Work So Hard to Earn.

Does PayPal Eat into Your Profits Too Much?

It's no fun to see several percent of every payment shaved off.

Knowledge is power!

This Report will save you tons of money in PayPal fees, Keeping that cash in Your pocket instead of handing it over to “Uncle PayPal”.

As an entrepreneur, you can save hundreds of $$$ on these paypal fees if you implement the method outlined in the book.

I Personally Guarantee your satisfaction, or will return your money Immediately!

Only $7.00
Buy Resale Rights for $49.00

(No moneyback guarantee on resale rights, obviously. You can take a horse to water, but you can’t force him to drink.)

Buy The Report Now For $7

P.S. Buy Now. You Will Benefit From This Report On The Very Next Paypal You Send!

P.P.S. The Report price for will not be staying at $7. Don't be surprised if you find this offer closed in the near future.

Buy The Report Now For $7

If You are Willing to Spend $7.00 to stop throwing $100 bills into PayPal's coffers, Keep on Reading...

Uncle PayPal is The "Silent Partner" In Your Business, Shaving a Fat Cut of Every Single Cent You Are Working So Hard to Earn.

With this Guide, this will NOT be an obstacle any more.

Buy The Report Now For $7

How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use!

And as a Special Bonus, you Will Learn the Secret of How To Withdraw Money From PayPal without a bank account attached!

New Years Double Extra Bonus: contact paypal report

There is a low-key- Three Page Special Bonus Report You Will be Downloading As well. This bonus, if you ever need it, (you probably will at some point-- if you are using Paypal successfully!) is something to keep in your computer desk draw.

Buy The Report Now For $7

Backed By Our 100% Money-Back Guarantee

Buy The Report Now For $7

Want Resale Rights To This Product?

A Total of 10 Resale Licenses Being Sold! $47 Each!

Many PayPal Users, even longtime users, are not aware of this feature or think you need to pay 1,000 people to utilize the MassPay feature because of which they will be losing tons of money every single day.

They are truly leaving money on the table

Don’t be that kind of person. Stop Losing to PayPal, i can assure you they won't get hurt from that lose, they have many more suckers who still pay the full scaled fees.

How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use!

Only $7.00
Buy Resale Rights for $49.00

travlinguy · 01-06-2009, 08:48 AM

You downplay the bonus and talk about it as though it's a diseased step child. Describe it in juicy detail and you add massive value to the main offer. Good Luck!

kctang · 01-06-2009, 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by travlinguy

You downplay the bonus and talk about it as though it's a diseased step child. Describe it in juicy detail and you add massive value to the main offer. Good Luck!

LOL.

He's right, though. Your copy there is too 'shy'.
If you don't talk with confidence, how will you customer feel confident
that this bonus is any good?

Of course, don't overdo the confidence thing... too much IM is the
opposite of what you wrote.
(ie BUY NOW! GET RICH THROUGH THE ROOOF!!!OMG!!!!)

BizBooks · 01-06-2009, 11:22 AM

The cherry-on-top bonus that i'm including with this offer is startlingly simple-- yet worth its weight in gold.

What Is It? its the ways to reach an actual, bona fide, USA or UK based human being at PayPal. with the huge amount of calls being outsourced to a third party company in india, and the difficulty in finsing live, working telephone numbers for PayPal, any serious Internet-using business needs to keep this bonus in your computer desk drawer.

Collette · 01-06-2009, 11:49 AM

Heres your headlline (buried halfway down your page):

How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use!

Tweak and play around with that, and you've got a headline that will keep a prospect reading.

dorothydot · 01-06-2009, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Collette

Heres your headlline (buried halfway down your page):

How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use!

Tweak and play around with that, and you've got a headline that will keep a prospect reading.

Yep, like I said... it's a wonderful headline.

Collette · 01-06-2009, 02:05 PM

Hey Dot - Sorry, didn't mean to steal your thunder. I didn't realize you'd given bizbooks that line. I went straight to the current page and commented.

And, ya... like you said, that's the headline right there.

Puusep · 01-06-2009, 02:22 PM

Hey,

You could also write something what this ebook includes. And only 7$ for this ebook sounds cheap. If I were you, I'd ask at least 15$ for this investment. And also, algin the text better, try put it in the centre, makes easyer to read and overall converter better.

Regards
Martin

UnityinAustralia · 01-06-2009, 06:25 PM

I agree (Pussep). $7 makes it sound like you wanna get rid of it, like it's not worth it. if you promise to save us heaps of money, why not ask for something more?

I tend to phase out 'screaming' headlines and sales hype. I use paypal to receive subscription payments and they do take a commission, but I don't see them as a massive enemy ripping me off. it's more of a tiny irritation, so I feel that most of the statements about paypal are grossly exaggerated.

BizBooks · 01-06-2009, 06:44 PM

Are You a PayPal Sucker?
Do You Pay PayPal Fees Through The Nose?

How to Save a Small fortune in PayPal Fees using a little understood technique that's oh-so-easy to use!

Dear Warrior,

Do You Use PayPal?

Do you really know how much you lose on PayPal transactions ?

Is it 5%, 10%... or even more?

PayPal is The "Silent Partner" In Your Business, taking Fat Commissions of Every Dollar You Work So Hard to Earn.

Does PayPal Eat into Your Profits Too Much?

It's no fun to see several percent of every payment shaved off.

Knowledge is power!

This Report will save you tons of money in PayPal fees, Keeping that cash in Your pocket instead of handing it over to “Uncle PayPal”.

As an entrepreneur, you can save hundreds of $$$ on these paypal fees if you implement the method outlined in the book.

I Personally Guarantee your satisfaction, or will return your money Immediately!

Only $7.00
Buy Resale Rights for $49.00

(No moneyback guarantee on resale rights, obviously. You can take a horse to water, but you can’t force him to drink.)

Resale Rights are Only Being Made Available To Warriors

Buy The Report Now For $7.00

P.S. Buy Now. You Will Benefit From This Report On The Very Next Paypal You Send!

P.P.S. The Report price for will not be staying at $7. Don't be surprised if you find this offer closed in the near future.

Buy The Report Now For $7.00

If You are Willing to Spend $7.00 to stop throwing $100 bills into PayPal's coffers, Keep on Reading...

Uncle PayPal is The "Silent Partner" In Your Business, Shaving a Fat Cut of Every Single Cent You Are Working So Hard to Earn.

With this Guide, this will NOT be an obstacle any more.

Buy The Report Now For $7.00

How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use!

And We Do Not Stop There…

BONUS ALERT!

We Will Give You an Absolutely Must Know Secret Of How To Withdraw Money From Paypal Without Having a Bank Account Attached!

Still Not Convinced ?

FAST ACTION BONUS II ALERT!

I Am Adding Yet Another Bonus For The First 30!

HOW TO CONTACT A LIVE, PAYPAL REPRESENTATIVE (U.S.A. AND U.K.)

(not an outsourced fellow from an Indian firm that has no authority to help you!)

This Bonus, If You Need It, (And You Will At Some Point, if You Are Using Paypal Successfully!) is Something To Keep In Your Computer Desk Drawer.

Buy The Report Now For $7.00
Buy Resale Rights for $49.00

Backed By Our 100% Money-Back Guarantee

Buy The Report Now For $7.00

Want Resale Rights To This Product?

Buy Resale Rights for $49.00

Resale Rights are Only Being Made Available To Warriors

Many PayPal Users, even longtime users, are not aware of this feature or think you need to pay 1,000+ people to utilize the MassPay feature because of which they will be losing tons of money every single day.

They are truly leaving money on the table!

Don’t be that kind of person. Stop Losing to PayPal, i can assure you they won't get hurt from that lose, they have many more suckers who still pay the full scaled fees.

STOP PAYING
THOSE CRAZY PAYPAL FEES
RIGHT NOW!!

Buy For $7.00
Buy Resale Rights for $49.00

BizBooks · 01-06-2009, 06:45 PM

Thanks for all the wonderful feedback.

I will raise the price to $10+ after it goes live (i cant change it until the mods approve the wso). I assume ill have a few sales at $7 before i change the price--- but i will definatly change it based on your advice.

thank you so much y'all! wish me luck on the WSO!

(P.S. i'll delete this thread when the WSO goes live. thanks!)

01-06-2009, 05:32 AM	#1
BizBooks Izzy The Expert Join Date: May 2006 Location: Award Winning Entrepreneur Posts: 1,667 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 544 Thanked 52 Times in 40 Posts Social Networking	Need Critique on a very short (and hopefully sweet) salespage PayPal MassPay Guide I really would like to get the sales page finished today-- this is an ebook that is short, sweet, and to the point. Is My Headline Good? What parts should I focus on first?
	http://www.issamar.com WSO Expires Tomorrow 10/19/09

01-06-2009, 07:14 AM	#2
dorothydot HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Southern Maryland Posts: 309 Thanks: 157 Thanked 39 Times in 37 Posts	Re: Need Critique on a very short (and hopefully sweet) salespage Here are some thoughts: I would use your How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use! Statement as your main headline. This is honest and compelling, and easier to understand than If You are Willing to Spend $7.00 to stop throwing $100 bills into PayPal's coffers, Keep on Reading... And you could combine "Dear Friend" and "Do you use Paypal?" into one more concise greeting: "Dear PayPal User". Questions are always tricky and don't seem to work very well here. Remember, you don't want your words to get in the way of your message. "Is PayPal Too Expensive? paypal mass pay guide book Does PayPal Eat into Your Profits Too Much? It's no fun to see several percent of every payment shaved off." Is a good button to push, but you need to present it a bit more compellingly. More like Cut Paypal costs and prevent paypal from eating into your profits – put a specific chart/statistic or proof of some sort here. Hope this helps! Dot
	"Sell the Magic of Your Dream" www.DP-Copywriting-Service.com

01-06-2009, 07:34 AM	#3
BizBooks Izzy The Expert Join Date: May 2006 Location: Award Winning Entrepreneur Posts: 1,667 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 544 Thanked 52 Times in 40 Posts Social Networking	Re: Need Critique on a very short (and hopefully sweet) salespage Are You a PayPal Sucker? *Do You Pay PayPal Fees Through The Nose?* STOP PAYING THOSE CRAZY PAYPAL FEES RIGHT NOW!! Dear Warrior, Do You Use PayPal? *Do you really* know how much you lose on PayPal transactions ? Is it 5%, 10%... or even more? PayPal is The "Silent Partner" In Your Business, taking Fat Commissions of Every Dollar You Work So Hard to Earn. Does PayPal Eat into Your Profits Too Much? It's no fun to see several percent of every payment shaved off. Knowledge is power! This Report will save you tons of money in PayPal fees, Keeping that cash in Your pocket instead of handing it over to “Uncle PayPal”. As an entrepreneur, you can save hundreds of $$$ on these paypal fees if you implement the method outlined in the book. I Personally Guarantee your satisfaction, or will return your money Immediately! Only $7.00 Buy Resale Rights for $49.00 (No moneyback guarantee on resale rights, obviously. You can take a horse to water, but you can’t force him to drink.) Buy The Report Now For $7 P.S. Buy Now. You Will Benefit From This Report On The Very Next Paypal You Send! P.P.S. The Report price for will not be staying at $7. Don't be surprised if you find this offer closed in the near future. Buy The Report Now For $7 If You are Willing to Spend $7.00 to stop throwing $100 bills into PayPal's coffers, Keep on Reading... Uncle PayPal is The "Silent Partner" In Your Business, Shaving a Fat Cut of Every Single Cent You Are Working So Hard to Earn. With this Guide, this will NOT be an obstacle any more. Buy The Report Now For $7 How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use! And as a Special Bonus, you Will Learn the Secret of How To Withdraw Money From PayPal without a bank account attached! New Years Double Extra Bonus: contact paypal report There is a low-key- Three Page Special Bonus Report You Will be Downloading As well. This bonus, if you ever need it, (you probably will at some point-- if you are using Paypal successfully!) is something to keep in your computer desk draw. Buy The Report Now For $7 Backed By Our 100% Money-Back Guarantee Buy The Report Now For $7 Want Resale Rights To This Product? A Total of 10 Resale Licenses Being Sold! $47 Each! Many PayPal Users, even longtime users, are not aware of this feature or think you need to pay 1,000 people to utilize the MassPay feature because of which they will be losing tons of money every single day. They are truly leaving money on the table Don’t be that kind of person. Stop Losing to PayPal, i can assure you they won't get hurt from that lose, they have many more suckers who still pay the full scaled fees. How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use! Only $7.00 Buy Resale Rights for $49.00**
	http://www.issamar.com WSO Expires Tomorrow 10/19/09

01-06-2009, 08:48 AM	#4
travlinguy HyperActive Warrior Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: , , USA. Posts: 437 Thanks: 34 Thanked 91 Times in 80 Posts	Re: Need Critique on a very short (and hopefully sweet) salespage You downplay the bonus and talk about it as though it's a diseased step child. Describe it in juicy detail and you add massive value to the main offer. Good Luck!
	"The pen is mightier than the sword. But that's only because it's easier to thrust into someone's ear at close range." http://www.prosewiz.com

01-06-2009, 11:22 AM	#6
BizBooks Izzy The Expert Join Date: May 2006 Location: Award Winning Entrepreneur Posts: 1,667 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 544 Thanked 52 Times in 40 Posts Social Networking	Re: Need Critique on a very short (and hopefully sweet) salespage The cherry-on-top bonus that i'm including with this offer is startlingly simple-- yet worth its weight in gold. What Is It? its the ways to reach an actual, bona fide, USA or UK based human being at PayPal. with the huge amount of calls being outsourced to a third party company in india, and the difficulty in finsing live, working telephone numbers for PayPal, any serious Internet-using business needs to keep this bonus in your computer desk drawer.
	http://www.issamar.com WSO Expires Tomorrow 10/19/09

01-06-2009, 11:49 AM	#7
Collette HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 433 Thanks: 89 Thanked 187 Times in 104 Posts	Re: Need Critique on a very short (and hopefully sweet) salespage Heres your headlline (buried halfway down your page): How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use! Tweak and play around with that, and you've got a headline that will keep a prospect reading.

01-06-2009, 02:05 PM	#9
Collette HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 433 Thanks: 89 Thanked 187 Times in 104 Posts	Re: Need Critique on a very short (and hopefully sweet) salespage Hey Dot - Sorry, didn't mean to steal your thunder. I didn't realize you'd given bizbooks that line. I went straight to the current page and commented. And, ya... like you said, that's the headline right there.

01-06-2009, 02:22 PM	#10
Puusep Now Or Never Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 37 Thanks: 7 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Need Critique on a very short (and hopefully sweet) salespage Hey, You could also write something what this ebook includes. And only 7$ for this ebook sounds cheap. If I were you, I'd ask at least 15$ for this investment. And also, algin the text better, try put it in the centre, makes easyer to read and overall converter better. Regards Martin

01-06-2009, 06:25 PM	#11
UnityinAustralia Looking for JV partners Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 21 Thanks: 0 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: Need Critique on a very short (and hopefully sweet) salespage I agree (Pussep). $7 makes it sound like you wanna get rid of it, like it's not worth it. if you promise to save us heaps of money, why not ask for something more? I tend to phase out 'screaming' headlines and sales hype. I use paypal to receive subscription payments and they do take a commission, but I don't see them as a massive enemy ripping me off. it's more of a tiny irritation, so I feel that most of the statements about paypal are grossly exaggerated.

01-06-2009, 06:44 PM	#12
BizBooks Izzy The Expert Join Date: May 2006 Location: Award Winning Entrepreneur Posts: 1,667 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 544 Thanked 52 Times in 40 Posts Social Networking	Re: Need Critique on a very short (and hopefully sweet) salespage Are You a PayPal Sucker? *Do You Pay PayPal Fees Through The Nose?* *How to Save a Small fortune in PayPal Fees using a little understood technique that's oh-so-easy* to use! Dear Warrior, Do You Use PayPal? Do you really know how much you lose on PayPal transactions ? Is it 5%, 10%... or even more? PayPal is The "Silent Partner" In Your Business, taking Fat Commissions of Every Dollar You Work So Hard to Earn. Does PayPal Eat into Your Profits Too Much? It's no fun to see several percent of every payment shaved off. Knowledge is power! This Report will save you tons of money in PayPal fees, Keeping that cash in Your pocket instead of handing it over to “Uncle PayPal”. As an entrepreneur, you can save hundreds of $$$ on these paypal fees if you implement the method outlined in the book. I Personally Guarantee your satisfaction, or will return your money Immediately! Only $7.00 Buy Resale Rights for $49.00 (No moneyback guarantee on resale rights, obviously. You can take a horse to water, but you can’t force him to drink.) Resale Rights are Only Being Made Available To Warriors Buy The Report Now For $7.00 P.S. Buy Now. You Will Benefit From This Report On The Very Next Paypal You Send! P.P.S. The Report price for will not be staying at $7. Don't be surprised if you find this offer closed in the near future. Buy The Report Now For $7.00 If You are Willing to Spend $7.00 to stop throwing $100 bills into PayPal's coffers, Keep on Reading... Uncle PayPal is The "Silent Partner" In Your Business, Shaving a Fat Cut of Every Single Cent You Are Working So Hard to Earn. With this Guide, this will NOT be an obstacle any more. Buy The Report Now For $7.00 How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use! And We Do Not Stop There… BONUS ALERT! We Will Give You an Absolutely Must Know Secret Of How To Withdraw Money From Paypal Without Having a Bank Account Attached! Still Not Convinced ? FAST ACTION BONUS II ALERT! I Am Adding Yet Another Bonus For The First 30! HOW TO CONTACT A LIVE, PAYPAL REPRESENTATIVE (U.S.A. AND U.K.) (not an outsourced fellow from an Indian firm that has no authority to help you!) This Bonus, If You Need It, (And You Will At Some Point, if You Are Using Paypal Successfully!) is Something To Keep In Your Computer Desk Drawer. Buy The Report Now For $7.00 Buy Resale Rights for $49.00 Backed By Our 100% Money-Back Guarantee Buy The Report Now For $7.00 Want Resale Rights To This Product? Buy Resale Rights for $49.00 Resale Rights are Only Being Made Available To Warriors Many PayPal Users, even longtime users, are not aware of this feature or think you need to pay 1,000+ people to utilize the MassPay feature because of which they will be losing tons of money every single day. They are truly leaving money on the table! Don’t be that kind of person. Stop Losing to PayPal, i can assure you they won't get hurt from that lose, they have many more suckers who still pay the full scaled fees. STOP PAYING THOSE CRAZY PAYPAL FEES RIGHT NOW!! Buy For $7.00 Buy Resale Rights for $49.00**
	http://www.issamar.com WSO Expires Tomorrow 10/19/09

01-06-2009, 06:45 PM	#13
BizBooks Izzy The Expert Join Date: May 2006 Location: Award Winning Entrepreneur Posts: 1,667 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 544 Thanked 52 Times in 40 Posts Social Networking	Re: Need Critique on a very short (and hopefully sweet) salespage Thanks for all the wonderful feedback. I will raise the price to $10+ after it goes live (i cant change it until the mods approve the wso). I assume ill have a few sales at $7 before i change the price--- but i will definatly change it based on your advice. thank you so much y'all! wish me luck on the WSO! (P.S. i'll delete this thread when the WSO goes live. thanks!)
	http://www.issamar.com WSO Expires Tomorrow 10/19/09