I'm **** at copywriting and I'd appreciate help with this site

[rosetrees]

This is my first venture into the copywriting forum. Yeah, I know, I should have been here long ago.

I just set up a new site and know it's going to rely on good copy on the sales page, so I'd appreciate all feedback on what I've written.

I can no longer see the wood for the trees.

This is the site Best Online Backup « Best Online Backup

Thanks guys.

[Alex Cohen]

The most obvious flaw is there's no call to action.

The sales letter reminds me of a crash dummy hitting the wall at 60 miles per hour. It ends rather abruptly.

You supply your readers with a lot of good info and advice. Take it a step further and tell them specifically what they should do next.

Like click on a banner. Or whatever.

Also, dimensionalize what happens in the event they need to restore their data. What they actually do, how easy it is, etc.

This is not a complete critique, but if you do those two things, you'll be a lot further along.

Alex

[Ken Strong]

You're four stars at copywriting? That would be pretty good, actually...

My first impression is that it's awfully cluttered above the fold -- you might want to get rid of the extra ads on the left, and maybe the banner on the top (or else get rid of the header graphic above that).

[ewenmack]

I was talking with a guy who does remote monitoring of business owners computers last night.

He used to dread starting work in the mornings because there would be messages waiting and the phones would be running hot for the first two hours.

Every one of the calls was a desperate emergency.

When it came to going on site and talking to the business owners
it came clear that virtually all of them knew their computer was
running slow for a long time prior.

He changed his whole business model before he went insane.

It's now solely based on monitoring for a monthly fee.

With that knowledge, I see your best lead in is to tell the reader
the symptoms of a upcoming crash and the costs and frustrations those cause.

You see, the reader doesn't see he/she has a problem.

But they know they have a slow computer or some other irritation.

Get that agreement first before you go in with your solution.

So a headline would read something like...

---------------------------------------------------------------

"Which One Of These 7 Computer Hassles Bug You The Most...?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

Then you list them straight away.

Have a tick box next to them would be effective too.

Now you've got reader involvement and agreement.

You're now ready to tell grizzly stories of the consequences...

of those symptoms not being attended to straight away.

Tell the reader hope and ignorance never were a good business strategy,
but acting now is the smartest thing he can do...

especially because of this no-brainer deal you've got for him.

See how it all flows into a logical chain?

There are other little bits which can be built into it.

Always start from the readers state of mind
where you can get agreement.

Fortunately I came along with this inside knowledge from another in your industry.

Best,
Ewen

[rosetrees]

Originally Posted by Alex Cohen

The most obvious flaw is there's no call to action.

The sales letter reminds me of a crash dummy hitting the wall at 60 miles per hour. It ends rather abruptly.

That made me lol.

Thanks for all the helpful hints guys. I can see I have work to do later today.

[rosetrees]

@ Ewen

I don't usually believe in bumping old threads, but I had to come back to this one.

Two reasons.

1) My project for tonight is redoing the site.
2) I had one of those desperate calls today that you were talking about - from an existing client, who has already had problems and been the recipient of my improving talk on doing your backups. Their computer won't boot today, the hard drive has crashed - it made one feeble attempt while I was there, filled the screen with gobbledook then died. Their last backup - they sheepishly admitted - was last time I was there!

@ Ken - I take 4 stars as a huge compliment. I think with Ewen's help I can now do a much better job on the site.

@ Alex - Hopefully my copywriting crash dummy will hit the wall slightly more gently this time (I'm still laughing at that!)

[Bruce NewMedia]

The best suggestion I could make is to print out Ewen Mack's post above and follow everything in it. That's a a very good recipe for improving your site. Nothing I could add.
_____
Bruce NewMedia