Please Critique My First Draft

[celestrist]

I know that there are many great copywriter in this forum.
So I would be glad if you guy can give me some advice about my first draft.
Many things to be improve for sure.
Here is the link

p.s. fierce critique is welcomed

edit:Please look at my second draft instead. The first draft is there for reference only

[ewenmack]

Hi there,

You are beating around the bush with your headline and opening.

From my quick glance, your stress was gone in 21 days.

So let's make that the headline...

------------------------
"Stress Gone In 21 Days"
------------------------

Now we can even make the headline your whole offer by saying...

-------------------------------------------
"Stress Gone In 21 Days Or You Pay Nothing"
-------------------------------------------

Now your reader "gets it".

Distilling what you've got in one sentence forces you to come up with
offers that cut through the mass noise in markets.

That one sentence can be used in classified ads in print, banner ads online,
radio ads as well as your sales page.

So from now on when you go to write an ad, describe what you've got in one sentence.

You'll have to jot down lots to cull the losers.

Your product has the potential to be an "evergreen" product, which means it can be still be selling 50 years from now...

just like a corn cure..

therefore taking your time and putting a lot of guided effort into this is very worthwhile.

Best,
Ewen

P.S There is still a lot of improvement to be made on the rest, I just wanted to give you the BIGGEST takeaway from it.

P.P.S. Your offer is second most in importance to your success. Who reads it is number 1 and the writing is number 3 in importance to your end result.
.

[frobisher]

One small point - you have spelled "technique" wrongly
A bigger point: I don't really believe in the existence of your satisfied customers. They need a bit of supporting detail if they are be to convincing
Even bigger point: I think the whole page is "shouty" and hucksterish and after my money rather than offering me something genuinely different and valuable

[Elle Davies]

The headline is extremely intimidating, and despite it grabbing my attention I was scared by it! Try re-wording it so it isn't quite so overwhelming for a customer.

To me 'A Final Piece of Secret' is grammatically incorrect. It should either be 'A Final Secret' or 'A Final Piece of A Secret'. Having said that, I don't think either are great. Maybe offer your customer a 'Newly Uncovered Secret' or something similar.

More graphics would also make the page more aesthetically pleasing, as would a change in colour to your background, it feels very gloomy!

So my main tip: Sort out your grammar, spelling and overall wording of your page and go from there.

Best wishes,
Elle

[Neil AM]

This reads like English isn't your first language. There's incorrect spelling, tenses and awkward sentences all over the place.

Your story is... fanciful, let's say. Personally, I really, really don't like the sales pages that talk about how 'I was just like you but then I found the Philosopher's Stone in my back yard and now I earn $5billion every day and I'm going to show you how to do that for $9.95' - but that is personal. I hope that kind of thing doesn't work because I'd lose what little faith I have left in humanity, but I've not tested it to find out. I don't find your story believeable, but I'm probably not the target market.

One thing that you might want to look at regardless is your presentation of the narrator - they've got a king-size bed, they can book a flight on the first available plane on a whim... is this someone your target market will identify with?

Given they're written in exactly the same style, I'm willing to bet you made up the testimonials. Don't make up the testimonials.

If you couldn't care less about what you're going to earn, why aren't you just giving it away?

Do two coffees at Starbucks really cost $29? Full disclosure: I'm British, and the Starbucks a few minutes from my office charges me £2.80. If I paid $14.50 for a coffee I'd expect it to come with a couple of diamonds floating in it.

Point is... I can see what you're trying to do here. But pretty much none of it is believeable, and if you can't make your audience believe - or at least tell themselves it could be true - you're going to lose a lot of sales.

You'd probably be better off if, rather than focusing on how this is some kind of mystic wisdom, just talk about your life now you're stress-free. How you wake up feeling fresh as a daisy, how you love going to work, how you've got a smile for everyone in the street. This is the life your targets want. Tell them about it. Make them imagine their own life being that way. Then tell them how they can get that.

Take a look at this sales letter:

B2B Marketing Strategies

It's not your niche, but it's a masterclass in the 'I was like you, then I worked out how to do [thing], now I'm like you want to be' style. Study it, and you'll learn a lot.

[celestrist]

Thanks guys.
Let me summarize:

Title : Not to the point. Even intimidating
Language: Bad grammar and wording.
Overall impression : low credibility.

Going to improve.

Just a few question
Ewen
Do you always use short and direct title? Or is it just the beginning and there is time to use a long title?

Elle
What makes you so afraid?
I remember someone's advice to inject fear in the title, guess it is not working right huh?

Neil,
I know the whole thing just sounds unbelievable, and I must confess I have not done enough research. Thanks for telling me the coffee's price in British.

This is my first copy. So what I am worrying about is if I get the big picture of copywriting right?

[ewenmack]

Originally Posted by celestrist

Ewen
Do you always use short and direct title? Or is it just the beginning and there is time to use a long title?

This is my first copy. So what I am worrying about is if I get the big picture of copywriting right?

The writing is third on the list of whether your ad sells or not...

#1 is who gets to read or hear your message

#2 is your offer

#3 is your writing

Headline length is about getting your message understood, in the least amount of words.

If all you did was work out your offer in one sentence and use it as your headline then you can't go far wrong.

Sure there are few other tricks a pro direct response copywriter has, but we can get way too clever at times for our own good.

Best,
Ewen

[max5ty]

Originally Posted by ewenmack

The writing is third on the list of whether your ad sells or not...

#1 is who gets to read or hear your message

#2 is your offer

#3 is your writing

Headline length is about getting your message understood, in the least amount of words.

If all you did was work out your offer in one sentence and use it as your headline then you can't go far wrong.

Sure there are few other tricks a pro direct response copywriter has, but we can get way too clever at times for our own good.

Best,
Ewen

Ewen, you always give the best critiques.

Every time I read your responses, I think "Ewen is really good".

Contrary to what a lot of copywriters think, being a good copywriter doesn't always mean they can give a good critique...

it takes a special knack to be good --

you definitely have it.

[celestrist]

This is my second attempt, hope that I have improved. Here is the link

[ewenmack]

Much better.

Here's why...

The headline tells the reader what she is getting to fix a problem...no mystery.

You have used an involvement device at the beginning
which asks what symptoms she's feeling.

You've given help up front by giving an exercise to try.

Those 3 points make it above average...well done.

However, things are messy around the order button in your wording.

From my quick look, those are the main points I noticed.

Will need more time, which I don't have now, to go over it closer to catch mistakes.



Best,
Ewen

[celestrist]

Originally Posted by ewenmack

Will need more time, which I don't have now, to go over it closer to catch mistakes.

Thanks Even,
Even though you are busy, you are still kind enoughbto give a newbie advice.

Much appreciated,
Caleb

[Tedel]

I don't mean to sound harsh but...

"Do you need THIS final piece of secret to relieve your DAILY STRESS THAT COULD KILL YOU eventually?"

My answer: No.

Stopped reading.

Tip: Never start with a question which might admit a 'no' for answer.

[celestrist]

Originally Posted by Tedel

I don't mean to sound harsh but...

"Do you need THIS final piece of secret to relieve your DAILY STRESS THAT COULD KILL YOU eventually?"

My answer: No.

Stopped reading.

Tip: Never start with a question which might admit a 'no' for answer.

Hi Tedel,

Thanks for your tip.

Hope that you can give me more tips after reading my second
copy.

By the way, I think that every question has the potential to admit a "no" answer.
A monk may say no to "do you want to be super rich?"
A broken heart lover may say no to "do you want a longer life?"
Hitler might say no to"do you want world piece?"
The point is, if you say no to my question, you are probably not my target audience. And I am not trying to grab everybody's attention.
Just my thought.
Maybe you guys think otherwise?

Regards
Caleb

[Neil AM]

Originally Posted by celestrist

The point is, if you say no to my question, you are probably not my target audience. And I am not trying to grab everybody's attention.

I'd agree with that for a niche product. Tedel's comment's valid for mass-market stuff - not so sure about here.

I haven't checked your 2nd draft yet, but I'll try to take a look at it later.

[ewenmack]

Originally Posted by celestrist

Thanks Even,
Even though you are busy, you are still kind enoughbto give a newbie advice.

Much appreciated,
Caleb

Quick look again Caleb.

The headline can be tightened up with this, "It's Free"

If one word can replace two, then do it.

Best,
Ewen

[rkat55]

"However, you have to act fast.


I am not making a living by selling this e-book, so I couldn't care less about how much I am going to earn."


Then why not just give it away?


"I just want to help those who are desperate to learn and ready to take action now."


Why do you only want to help these people? Why don't you want to
help people who aren't desperate or ready to take action now?

"SO, SORRY PROCRASTINATOR,


I am to take off my offer after the first 100 copies are sold.
To make it a no brainer, I am throwing in the following bonuses:"


If you want to help people why only 100 copies (and I am to take off is
bad English - should be I am going to remove this offer).


That whole section sounds as phoney as your fake stories of how
you "discovered" these yoga techniques LOL.


Why not just tell the true story and be sincere? You will sell
a lot more that way.

[celestrist]

Hi Neil,
Thanks for checking up my second draft.

rkat55,
Thanks for your advice.
Maybe you can take a look at my second draft, in which I have changed the part you mentioned.

Spending too much time in my copy makes me blind to some obvious mistakes.
I find out that it is useful to:
1. Have a 15 min break before looking at my own copy again
2. Ask someone else to look at my copy

Any other way to make me more aware of my own mistakes?

[ThomasOMalley]

Your headline is still too vague. You need a much stronger intro. Model some Gary Halbert letters for that.

Your formatting isn't appealing.

Your salutation doesn't make sense, "Dear Modern People"....you will lose people right there.

Rewrite your bullets as well. They're not good.

I would scrap the whole letter and start over. Or hire a good copywriter.

[celestrist]

Originally Posted by ThomasOMalley

Your headline is still too vague. You need a much stronger intro. Model some Gary Halbert letters for that.

Your formatting isn't appealing.

Your salutation doesn't make sense, "Dear Modern People"....you will lose people right there.

Rewrite your bullets as well. They're not good.

I would scrap the whole letter and start over. Or hire a good copywriter.

Thanks Thomas for your tips,

I want to be a good copywriter, so I think I will just scrap the whole letter and start over.

For the vague headline,
I have get a tip from Daniel Lewis in his newsletter

"Thank You"
&
"My Apologies..."
I know, they don't say much. There's no
benefit. Counter-intuitive to marketing gospel.
Truth be known, these kind of vague subject
lines often outperform the specific ones.
Anyway, try them.
A 20% bump is buff.

Only split testing can tell whether this is true.

[dreamlife789]

I think the line at the top in red is very good. It catches your attention and speaks directly to your audience. I would change Dear Modern Reader to Dear Friend. Also, people get lost in the big yellow areas and numbers of steps. Reduce that information. Also, by the time they get to the Order Now button they have already forgotten the benefits that you push on them up-front.

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[Daniel Scott]

I'll be straight with you...

You simply don't have the chops to sell with copy.

Don't feel bad about it - writing killer copy is a lot of work - but if you keep trying to re-write it you'll only frustrate yourself.

My advice is to become an affiliate and sell other people's stuff... at least until you're making enough money to pay a professional to do this for you.

-Daniel

[celestrist]

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

I'll be straight with you...

You simply don't have the chops to sell with copy.

Don't feel bad about it - writing killer copy is a lot of work - but if you keep trying to re-write it you'll only frustrate yourself.

My advice is to become an affiliate and sell other people's stuff... at least until you're making enough money to pay a professional to do this for you.

-Daniel

Hi Daniel,
Thanks for your advice.
It seem that you have a similar frustration.
The point is, I want to be a copywriter.
So can you please talk about the copy, not me.

[Daniel Scott]

The copy is simply not salvagable. You need a complete re-write on this one, not just to tweak it.

If you really want to be a copywriter, you need to read a lot of books on the subject... study winning letters... and work your butt off for a good six months at least.

On top of that... you need to refine your English quite a bit.

Do all that and spend a good forty hours on your sales page (ruthlessly editing and re-writing), and then you'll probably have something ready for critique.

But as things stand... there's not a lot of point trying to critique or save what you've got.

-Daniel

[Mel White]

For an American, those images don't help your sales copy -- it looks like this is written by a woman, and when we hit the "I couldn't satisfy my girlfriend in bed" -- I'm NOT a lesbian and I'm going "WHOA! TOO MUCH INFORMATION, DUDETTE!!!"

Grammar errors:
"Do you sometime feel that you can't breath" -- the word is BREATHE (this is a pet peeve of mine)
The question "What is your mind doing when you are supposed to be sleeping soundly at night?" is jarring because it doesn't fit with the other questions (try "Are you having trouble sleeping because you can't stop thinking about your problems?"
"Sometime, my hand's " The correct form is "hands"

You need a thorough editing, and the book probably needs editing by a native English speaker to make sure it appeals to your audience and doesn't "jar" them with sentences that don't "scan" right.

[celestrist]

Hi Pete,

Here is what I think.
Right: My offer is clear.
Wrong: "stressfree" may not be the benefit customer looking for. Or it is too vague.

The purpose of the headline is to make reader to read the next line.

Thanks for your help

[celestrist]

If I were the targeted audience, I might think this is some kind of drug. And I might not believe it.

I was thinking the reader will be curious to find out how is this possible.
But now I think it might not work because in this niche there are too many products like this. The readers probably have tried some before.

[celestrist]

I am thinking about changing the headline to

Sleep On-demand
Discover how you can finally say goodbye to insomnia and start to sleep soundly whenever you want, in just 21 days by learning this whole new 3-steps meditation

"sleep on demand" should grab the attention of those can't sleep well at night.
Then i offer them a quick way to solve this problem.
This should make them want to read on.

[celestrist]

Hi Pete,
Can't reply your pm. Sorry for that.
My goal is always to get advice. And I appreciate your great advice.
I was trying to come out with a better headline, hope it wouldn't change my goal.

[jamesboulay]

Originally Posted by celestrist

I am thinking about changing the headline to

Sleep On-demand
Discover how you can finally say goodbye to insomnia and start to sleep soundly whenever you want, in just 21 days by learning this whole new 3-steps meditation

"sleep on demand" should grab the attention of those can't sleep well at night.
Then i offer them a quick way to solve this problem.
This should make them want to read on.

What about "Rest In Peace"? That one could hit some psychological triggers.

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=====================================
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NOTE:
These also reduce stress, increase focus and make you DYNOMITE in bed!
( Remember, The Sex Tantra was written in India! )

Name: ______________

Email: ______________

| SEND |


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[John Broberg]

Celestrist,

Here are 5 points to help you.

1. Talk to One Person

Throughout the copy, you are talking to a group of people. However, the reader doesn't see themselves that way. Here are examples.

Your opening "Dear Modern People" just doesn't work. Don't be creative here. Most sales letters start off with "Dear Friend:" Use that.

Another place in the letter, I saw you addressing the reader as "most of you." Speak to just one person and simply say "you." Your letter gets read one person at a time.

2. Your Offer

What are you selling? It's not clear. Is it a book? Audio? DVD? Try including a picture of what you're selling. Here is a free cover creator if you're on a tight budget. Use it to get a picture of your product in your sales letter.

ecover design - design it yourself online

3. The Price

You're giving off the vibe that you're ashamed to ask for money. That's just not good. John Carlton calls this "selling from your heals."

To really justify the price, you've got to show how what they get is much more than the money they give you. Here's an example.

"I don't think you can place a price on living a stress-free life. But just for the sake of showing how valuable it can be, let's consider why this is such a good investment.

Suppose you avoid even just one extra visit to the doctor's office in the next year. This product will have paid for itself more than ten times over."

You could also compare the price to something they might normally spend money on. Let's say, maybe a full body massage at $30 bucks. One massage would relax them for a day, but the information here can relax them for a lifetime.

Don't be shy about justifying the price. That's the logical reason they need to buy your offer today. So approach your price justification by comparing your price to something more expensive they already buy.

4. Scarcity/Urgency

Your scarcity/urgency element is not believable. "The button may disappear."

Include a believable reason why they should buy now.

"I can only guarantee this price until August 31st because that's the official date of the launch. You can get it right now for $27. I may increase the price, but it will never go down. So buy now before the price goes up."

While that's still not perfect, you would do much better with this reason than the one you're giving now. Swipe this example if you want.

5. You and Your Story

It looks like your placing yourself in the sales letter as a central figure. However, there's no picture or story. You talk somewhat about how you felt in some of the bullet points, but that's not really a story.

If you're going to include yourself, tell your story. Did you go from deathly ill to zen master in 3 weeks? How did you arrive at your solution to the stress problem?

If your story isn't that amazing, then just take yourself out of the picture and make the product the central figure of the sales letter.

So those are 5 of my observations. I really like that you put your page out there, and you've shown a sincere desire to improve it. Stick with it, and you'll get something you're proud of (and sells too!).

[Mel White]

Originally Posted by celestrist

I am thinking about changing the headline to

Sleep On-demand
Discover how you can finally say goodbye to insomnia and start to sleep soundly whenever you want, in just 21 days by learning this whole new 3-steps meditation

"sleep on demand" should grab the attention of those can't sleep well at night.
Then i offer them a quick way to solve this problem.
This should make them want to read on.

I think that's better, yes.... but it's "on demand" (no dash in there.) And no comma after the word "want" -- it goes after the word "days".

[Debra Barrow]

I learned something here. Thanks

[suigeneris]

Celestrist, I agree with ewanmack... One word here Readability... I just don't want to read it. Keep it much simpler let me know the main point right off the bat on no uncertain terms and then stay on the point! GL brother... keep up the good work.
Sui.

[CopywritingTony]

If you want to improve your copy. Just find some successful short ads and swipe them.
study those ads or a specific one. Write that ad by hand 5 times and read it 10 times.
This helps me a ton.

You need to fix the font on your copy... It's killing me.
I would sell the headline and bullet-points.

Write about 30 bullet-points and re-write those bullet-points five times each. Choose the best and BOOM!

Another thing. If you'd like to see some great sales-letters that relied purely
on bullet points. Go check out Ben Settle's copy and follow his 'template'.
And by template, I am referring to how his copy flows together.

You also mentioned not researching your niche properly. That is a big NO NO.
Go read some forums and study their problems and concerns. Use that information
to craft your headlines, create fear, and give your prospects the outcome that
THEY DESIRE. Don't just guess around this stuff. The web forums are your secret weapon.

Best Regards,
Copywriting Tony

[yecall]

I don't connect with the "modern people" part. Also, there is punctuation missing after the word "questions." Put a question mark in there. Keep at it and you will get there!

[Suellen Reitz]

Ok, since copywriting is my thing... here's my two cents...
Agree w/ just about everything others have said. Here's a bit more... Think about color. The yellow huge block clashes w/ your pink boarders... I have to assume you are writing to a female audience?

There isn't enough white space... everything seems very tight. Especially for your topic, your page should float... I suggest adding more illustrations.

What makes people buy is emotion. You need to bring illustrations into your copy that stirs strong emotions of pleasure seeking thru your product. Make sure they understand their benefits (the "what's in it for me).

I do like how you used a common print book technique of giving a little bit of info and references to pages where they will find even more. But again... it needs more meat and excitement.

You've gotten great feedback. Work through work you like and throw out the rest. Good luck!

[sanjaypande]

Besides the glaring language issues, make note of:

1. Weak headline

2. Grammatical errors

3. High "I" density

4. Tense confusion (without intent)

5. Continuity Problems

6. Weak Offer and CTA

7. Credibility Issues

8. Sequencing Problems

9. No audience identification

10. Assumptions (despite not identifying audience)

I did not elaborate on purpose. If you don't know what these mean, then it would be very difficult to improve your copy.

The truth is at this stage even an inexpensive freelancer from a site like elance or odesk can give this piece new life and bring it to a state where it can be critiqued/improved.

And here's some "relief" for you.

Some headline ideas:

"Stress Free In 7 Days!"

"How To Sleep Better, Reduce Stress and Have
No More Chronic Pain In 7 Days or Less!"

"100% Guaranteed Way To Reduce Your Stress By 232%
In 7 Days Or Less or Your Money Back,
No Questions Asked!"
(Ted Nicholas)

Amazing Stress Busting Secret Of a Strange Old Indian Monk (Halbert)

You're Going To Die!

No More Stress. An Amazing Technique From Ancient India Helps
Reduce Your Stress By 73% In Under One Week!
Try It Risk Free - A 97.3% Success Rate!

[parsons130]

WAIT! BUT YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME THE PRICE


Ok, you catch me

--- not sure what that means ---

[Daniel Sanchez]

OK....I'm going to critique this the way I would a client:

1. Layout - if you're audience is women, you're good to go. If not - Game over.

Picture is horrible. Ask yourself - "What I am trying to get my prospect to do here?" Emotionally...mentally?

Alignment is an issue too.

2. Everyone is giving you heck for the headline and for good reason. It sucks.

Side note: How many copywriting books and materials have you studied? Copywriting is a "takes more hours than a PhD" profession and not a for the faint of heart.

Lots missing in your headline:

- Sounds like everything else.
- Poorly written. Your missing a few words like "You/ your" and no active verbs.

Just adding "Melt Your Stress Away In 21 Days...or I'll Give You Money back" improves it drastically.

- Lacks proof , amazing promise or defeat an instant objection.

- Specifics can help. Although you added 21 days, you can get more specific. Let me ask you this? When someone wakes up in the morning who suffers from stress, what do they really want? What do they imagine?

There are also other headline approaches. Look for Kevin Rogers Sales Grease WSO and Robert Boduch's course. Great resources for headlines and even sign up for Vin Montello's Clambake blog for his "Headline Libs| headline swipe.

You need to know your market before you discover a killer headline.
...emotions, thoughts, deep desires and beliefs, etc

Do more research, get some swipes and start writing between 25 - 100 different headlines.

Next...

3. Your Opening.

Everything stops like a shotgun blast to the face" here. Your lack of mastery over the English language completely shows.

Your choice of a situational questions opener is ok, but pooly executed. There is a secret to using questions for openings and yours fall apart like a wet noodle. Would these be questions you'd ask a friend is you were concerned they had stress issues?

And by the way:

People who suffer from stress typically know they are suffering from stress. Your opener won't work here unless use a different approach with the questions. I would recommend a different opener ( you even have 2 possible openers hiding beneath in your copy)

Also a different theme/ approach to your copy might do better in this market

4. Body Copy

A Nightmare!

You need better English celestrist. Much better. You obviously haven't studied any sales letters whatsoever. If you did, you'd see how your word choices don't make any sense.

This is to quote from your sales letter:

"Are you looking for the cure to your problems? I know I was.

I go to the doctors and they convinced me that taking antidepressant is a good way to go. Hey, who am I not to listen to the guys in white robe, and so I had tried."


I understand you were looking to use the "I know how you feel because I have been there" approach....but it doesn't work here because no one talks that way.


Great copy is conversational aka. Write like you talk. Some sales letters are so good, you don't even realize you're being sold to till after you've hit the "buy button". That's the power of writing conversationally.



This is where my critique stops. It's pointless to continue if you don't fix these areas first.


I agree with Daniel Scoot completely...with one exception.


You could still be a great copywriter, IF you are willing to work TWICE AS hard as everyone else. You have a complete disadvantage because you really do lack the talent. I know a lot of people who believe differently, but if this is your heart's calling, so be it.


If you're trying to make a quick buck, this is DEFINITELY not the right profession to be in.



I know it incredibly hard to put your work out there for all the world to see...a very vulnerable feeling. But you're doing what most great copywriters do: getting your stuff critiqued. There are some great copywriters on this form and some even offer mentoring / critiquing services. Keep an eye out for them because these are men and women who can help you develop IF you are truly serious about making this a profession.


Best of luck to you celestist.