Critique My WSO sales-copy

[donaldwilson]

Hey,

First I want to thank you for even taking the time to open my selfish thread.

My last WSO sold hundreds.

And the copy was CRAP.

It converted at some terrible number I don't remember exactly.

But it did about 5-7% worse than my last launch (conversion ratio).

I know it's because I suck at writing copy.

I made another attempt to write the sales-letter again. It's better than the last time, but it doesn't scream BUY ME.

What am I missing?

Did I target the wrong hook maybe?

Is the story line talking too much about myself?

Also there will be a few subtle supporting images added, but I wanted to at least get someone with some skill to look at it and tell me if it sucks or not.

Thanks again for your time. I know a copywriters time is very valuable, and I thank you very much for any input you can provide,

-don


p.s. I almost forgot the link: http://www.warriorforum.com/test-forum/432280-test.html

[Gijsbertus]

Hey, it doesn't look that bad to me ! Maybe you could use a little bolder kind of font for the main text ? Maybe leaving lesser space between the paragraphs ?

Pictures are o k and adds some humour ! But you will get more tweaking tips from more experienced warrior then me ! Take care

Ps just saw this for you ! : Top Copywriting Tips for Newbies

[donaldwilson]

Thanks for the tips,

I'll definitely look through that link again.

-don

Originally Posted by Gijsbertus

Hey, it doesn't look that bad to me ! Maybe you could use a little bolder kind of font for the main text ? Maybe leaving lesser space between the paragraphs ?

Pictures are o k and adds some humour ! But you will get more tweaking tips from more experienced warrior then me ! Take care

Ps just saw this for you ! : Top Copywriting Tips for Newbies

[Gijsbertus]

A little favor Don could you take a quick look at my site please

Home - BE FOUND ON THE WEB - LET US HELP YOU! ? Tx so much

here's the thread : Could you check my website please ? Thanks !

[donaldwilson]

Originally Posted by Gijsbertus

A little favor Don could you take a quick look at my site please

Home - BE FOUND ON THE WEB - LET US HELP YOU! ? Tx so much

here's the thread : Could you check my website please ? Thanks !

I'll shoot you something back on the thread.

[Chr]

The headline is incredible and the copy is pretty good. You got me very interested in the product.

One thing that I don't like is it has a magic bullet feel to it with things like "the four hour week people talk about" and the very conventional format for sales letters (not $X, not $Y, not even $Z, only $...). I will admit that the magic bullet copywritting makes sales, but I'm not a fan of it.

even a 13 year-old Peruvian kid could pull a couple new clients by next Monday

I would take out "Peruvian" haha.

-Chris

[donaldwilson]

Ok i'll definitely take the Peruvian part out

I'll work on that magic bullet feel (I don't like it either).

I'm not quite sure how to pull the magic bullet feel out of it without making it flat.

thanks for the advice

GREATLY APPRECIATED

-don

Originally Posted by Chr

The headline is incredible and the copy is pretty good. You got me very interested in the product.

One thing that I don't like is it has a magic bullet feel to it with things like "the four hour week people talk about" and the very conventional format for sales letters (not , not , not even , only $...). I will admit that the magic bullet copywritting makes sales, but I'm not a fan of it.


I would take out "Peruvian" haha.

-Chris

[Johnny12345]

Hi Don,

Your copy rambles on aimlessly.

You were doing well in the beginning, but right after the story about your crappy car and apartment, things fell apart.

The cold, hard truth is that nobody cares that you missed a soccer game. (If that's your biggest problem, you're not going to get much sympathy.)

Your prospect ONLY cares about what you can do for them.

But you gloss right over that... which makes me feel like you're trying to trick the prospect. And that's bad. Because it will cause a red flag to start waving in their mind.

Instead of explaining the stuff your prospect REALLY wants and needs to know (in order to make a buying decision), you then continue to drone on about who it's not for, some fake price scarcity, and the guarantee.

The result: FAIL.

Your sales letter should go like this:

1) Start with a compelling headline. (I see that you borrowed Robert Allen's famous headline.)
2) Here's my crappy life. (You did this well.)
3) Here's what I discovered that turned my life around.
4) Here's proof and/or an example of my system and how it works.
5) Here's my irresistible offer to you.

You've got a good start, but don't try to trick people and don't try to get fancy. That's not what good copywriting is about.

Good luck,

John

P.S. I'm sure you weren't really trying to trick your prospects. But it "feels" that way. And, if it seems like it, perception then becomes reality.

[donaldwilson]

Thanks man that's the type of review I needed.

Now I got something to go back to the drawing table with.

Thank you very much,

-don

Originally Posted by Johnny12345

Hi Don,

Your copy rambles on aimlessly.

You were doing well in the beginning, but right after the story about your crappy car and apartment, things fell apart.

The cold, hard truth is that nobody cares that you missed a soccer game. (If that's your biggest problem, you're not going to get much sympathy.)

Your prospect ONLY cares about what you can do for them.

But you gloss right over that... which makes me feel like you're trying to trick the prospect. And that's bad. Because it will cause a red flag to start waving in their mind.

Instead of explaining the stuff your prospect REALLY wants and needs to know (in order to make a buying decision), you then continue to drone on about who it's not for, some fake price scarcity, and the guarantee.

The result: FAIL.

Your sales letter should go like this:

1) Start with a compelling headline. (I see that you borrowed Robert Allen's famous headline.)
2) Here's my crappy life. (You did this well.)
3) Here's what I discovered that turned my life around.
4) Here's proof and/or an example of my system and how it works.
5) Here's my irresistible offer to you.

You've got a good start, but don't try to trick people and don't try to get fancy. That's not what good copywriting is about.

Good luck,

John

P.S. I'm sure you weren't really trying to trick your prospects. But it "feels" that way. And, if it seems like it, perception then becomes reality.

[donaldwilson]

I've changed quite a few things and believe it to be a much stronger sales-letter.

It still needs help

Thank you very much for everything so far.

-don

[ewenmack]

Donald,

Here's where I see your biggest problem...

you aren't showing why your client getting methods are different with specifics.

Because Warriors in the offline field have seen, bought and used client getting methods,
they want to know "why should I buy yours?"

Get that answered in your head first, then you have the ammunition to fire off a killer ad.

Best,
Ewen

[Ansar Pasha]

Ewen, that's great advice!

You definitely did a great job on the copy... but you still need to make the case for your product.

Why is it better/faster/easier/ than the competition?

Another powerful element you could add is a demonstration showing it in action. Perhaps a short video with it working as you promise, or a breakdown of the "steps" you need to take to enjoy the money making power of your product (keep it as simple as possible, but don't give away the farm)...

It's great you're implementing, I'm sure the copywriters here love it when people actually use the advice they get!

Ansar

[AdwordsMogul]

You need to read what ewenmack said again - that's exactly what I thought.

Your story is not bad - you need to wrap it up faster.


You also have to include more references to the reader - instead of "So I decided to do something about it" say something like "Would you have gone this far just to...."

You don't like the magic pill feel? GET OVER IT RIGHT NOW! You must learn to love the magic pill if you want to write good copy.

At the end of the day, 99.9% of people buy simply because they are convinced your product is a magic pill for a particular problem. No matter how sophisticated we are.

This doesn't mean you should lie. When I buy a product from someone like Dan Kennedy, I know it will take hard work to get result. But still, he presents in a way that makes it easier to swallow.

Nevertheless, get more specific. Demonstrate and PROVE that your method works. "Hype alone doesn't a product sell" (a very wise man )

[donaldwilson]

Originally Posted by ewenmack

Donald,

Here's where I see your biggest problem...

you aren't showing why your client getting methods are different with specifics.

Because Warriors in the offline field have seen, bought and used client getting methods,
they want to know "why should I buy yours?"

Get that answered in your head first, then you have the ammunition to fire off a killer ad.

Best,
Ewen

This is what I needed.

Thank you very much Ewen.

I am working on it.

Still trying to find the right "hook" and really bang into that part of the copy.

Thanks again,

Now onto the hard part

-don

[donaldwilson]

Would a screencast of the software help?

I could probably just set this baby working today and pull a new client by tomorrow...

Could I maybe just do some sort of live case study.

EVERY time I have used videos my conversions have suffered.

So i'm not sure what to do, but the ideas and guidance here are helping me a lot.

If I do the screencast it kinda gives way the farm.

*EDITED PRODUCT DETAILS


It seems that the software is a stronger selling point, but the real value is the approach.....and that's what I want to shine through, but am struggling to make that happen.

Thanks again for all the advice everyone.

-don

[Super Warrior]

I think your sales copy is not to the point.
People don't have to read aimless text. Keep the sales copy short and to-the-point.



- Steve

[donaldwilson]

Originally Posted by Super Warrior

I think your sales copy is not to the point.
People don't have to read aimless text. Keep the sales copy short and to-the-point.



- Steve

Thanks Steve,

Working on shortening this thing up.

My first drafts look like short novels.

I'm slowly chipping away at it.

thanks for that advice,

-don

[donaldwilson]

For the most part of it I am pretty happy with it now.

There is still the part in it between the sub-heads: But then I found something special…

and the subhead: At Last! Something Unique That Actually Gets Clients......Here's Proof


That part in between those almost seems just tossed in there for no reason.

I can't seem to figure out how to transfer from the story to the proof correctly.

I'm going to come back to it in a few hours to see if something pops out at me.

It still needs some formatting, but is WAY better than what I started with.

Thank you very much fellow warriors for all the help.

-don