Can you critique my WSO sales copy?

[bertranddo]

Hello Warriors!

I am about to release my first WSO on Tuesday, and I would
love to get your input on the copywriting of my ad copy.

Could you be so kind to let me know how I could improve it?

Revision 1 (original version)
Revision 2 (changes were made after feedback from Don)
Revision 3 (current version) (changes made after additional feedback Don & Mel comments)
WSO is now live here

Thanks a lot for your help, if I can reciprocate in any way feel free to PM me.

Bertrand

[donaldwilson]

First of all I want to say i'm not a copywriter.

This is just what I see from a possible buyers perspective.

As for the youtube video definitely leave it out. In my experiences humor doesn't sell, and the tone of the video is not humorous so it just doesn't work for me at all. I'd definitely click off the page when seeing that video.

As for the copy itself i'm more of a skimmer so sub-heads catch my eye a lot.

The graphic you have is huge. And to me it overpowers your content.

Graphics are supposed to support not overpower.

From the headline below the huge graphic and further I was lost. The copy seemed to blend together for me. I think you overuse the bold function.

I'm not going to go into anything else in the copy as I don't think that I'm qualified enough to break down your copy.

That's my take, but hey I'm not a copywriter so I may be wrong,

-don

Originally Posted by bertranddo

Hello Warriors!

I am about to release my first WSO in a couple of days, and I got
my sales page finally ready today!

I did this salespage following a sales page blueprint by Mao Fynn
(from the WSO money code) but so far I havent had anyone else
looking at it.

Could you be so kind to let me know how I could improve it?

Here is the link to the test WSO sales page

Thanks a lot for looking into this (if there is any way I can help you back,
send me a PM and Ill do my best to be of assistance)

2nd question: I wanted to have a little fun and got this funny testimonial from a
guy acting as a Landshark character.

LandShark Review - YouTube

Do you think I could include this to my sales letter? Or do you think it is going to be
detrimental to my sales page conversions?

[bertranddo]

Hi Don!

Thanks a lot for your feedback! You made a lot of valid points which I will work on:

-I agree that the not-so-funny shark might be too much, I will leave it out for now.
-I also recognize that at some point I have overused the bold function, I had the same
impression of being kind of lost looking at it, but I wasnt sure if it was only me.

I will try to go and make the necessary adjustments now to improve my copy.

Thanks again,
Bertrand.

[bertranddo]

Don,

I went through the sales letter and tried to make it easier to read,
following your recommendations.

Changes to Revision 1:

-reduced massive first graphic
-removed bonus image
-removed guarantee graphic
-removed almost all bold from the page
-reduced the default font size (I had it at font size 3)
-reduced by 50% main product image
-reduced bullet points lenght (they used to be
4 lines long on average, I've reduced them to 2
lines max)
-reduced overall line length (most lines used to go
all the way across the page, I have shortened them)
-moved second video further down the page
-reduced length of headline

All in all it appears to look a lot cleaner.

Before:
Revision 1

After:
Current Version

I feel it is now a lot easier to read.

I will look forward to hearing more feedback from the warriors, if possible.

Thanks a lot,
Bertrand.

[bertranddo]

If anyone has any input on the following headline,
it would be much appreciated:

______VERSION 1________________________
Who Else Wants To Discover the
Secrets to a $1,000,000 Pay-day?

As You Know There is a WORLD Beyond WSOs

And I've Been Spying on it Like an Hawk...
_____________________________________

______VERSION 2_______________________
"Discover the Secrets of a
1,000,000 Dollar Launch

Which Happened Like... LAST WEEK!!! "
_____________________________________

These are some of the ideas I have, as I feel
this headline is not 'punchy' enough at the moment

Thanks for your input,
Bertrand.

[alexcercel]

Try to substitute "learn" with something else. Nobody wants to learn... Other than that I'm not a copywriter myself so I cannot help

[bertranddo]

Thanks Alex,

I have taken this on board. I have replaced "learn" by "discover" in the Version 1 headline above.

I've checked your sig and I really like what you do by the way,
so I might contact you soon for one of your magic one page sites : )

Thanks again,
Bertrand

[donaldwilson]

Here's another quick look...

Stories are engaging, but nobody want's to hear let me tell you a story

Be more subtle....

"I sure did! Let me tell you my story."

This should be made into a sub-head and something more interesting

.....you have no sub-heads. Change that.

Next...

This part below needs to go.... It does nothing for you other than repel buyers.

Admission of flaws in products is good, but telling people they will need to buy something more will lose them.

"Please note that this requires a paid plugin a paid plugin
to work, and unfortunately I can't give it away... "

I wouldn't include the max price information....I don't see how this will help you.

I wouldn't even tell people the increment amount.

"The price below will increase by $1 every 10 sales, so be sure to grab your copy before it hits the $17 mark"


Here's the thought that goes through my head when I read your copy....(and I may be wrong)

When reading I go through and think....

Man I'm sick of hearing about that damn Ryan Deiss launch.

But you did also speak in a way that connected.....so that part is good.

......I just think most warriors that will actually connect with Franks e-mail and the P.S. you use in the beginning of the copy are probably just like me and tired of hearing about that damn B.S. launch.

Answer these questions.

Since your target audience obviously saw the launch or heard about it you would have to explain why it is that hearing another single second about it from you, a guy they don't know, will give them value and help them grow their business.

I'm not a copywriter so do take my advice with a grain of salt.

-don

[Mel White]

"Payday" isn't a hyphenated word. "Spying on it like a hawk" is awkward and a dissonant analogy. The correct analogy is "watching it like a hawk."

The ".5893 conversions" really is meaningless. You might mean "conversion rate" but you don't mean conversions. There isn't a way for a person to "half convert." They either do or they don't.

The single sentence paragraph is a distracting read (you have a lot of them, one right after another.)

"so i have put my white blouse on" is not correct English and not the correct term. It might be "so I put my white surgeon's smock on" or "my white lab coat on"

"Please note that this requires a paid plugin a paid plugin " -- repeated words.

[bertranddo]

Don & Mel,

I am currently working on your suggestion, will update the copy accordingly as soon as im done.

[bertranddo]

Don & Mel,

I worked on your recommendations, here is the changes made. We're now at Revision 3:

__________________________________________________ ____________________
SMALL CHANGES

-I sure did! Let me tell you my story => I can relate to this; I get those big launch emails all the time!

-Pay-day=>Payday

-Spying on it Like an Hawk => Watching it Like an Hawk

-Please note that this requires a paid plugin a paid plugin
to work, and unfortunately I can't give it away... => Removed

__________________________________________________ _____________________
ADDRESSING CONCERNS

-"People are probably just like me and tired of hearing about that damn B.S. launch.
Answer these questions."

=>Or maybe you had enough and you're totally fed up with the incessant product launch circus?
=> I sometimes get a little annoyed by the back-rubbing and
trumpet-blowing that goes on in the industry: this email was
initially a big turn-off to me.
=> I skimmed through to the bottom of it to find the "delete"
button, but I admit I was stopped dead in my tracks when I
glanced at the last sentence:
=> *further down the page*
I realize that you may be sick & tired of hearing about
the product launch circus. Trust me I was too.

This said I decided not to let a mental block prevent me
from unearthing these powerful sales strategies.

In fact I believe that there is always room to grow your
business in IM; and although we've all grown through
our own trial and error, we always tend to model other
people's experiences, whether we realize it or not.

The sales techniques highlighted in this report are transferable
to any market and can help you increase your income potential,
as you will see below.

__________________________________________________ ___

I also rewrote the bullet points benefits to show how this report
could help people in their day to day business (the focus is less on the
launch itself but how people can benefit from learning the processes
inside). I also added a couple of sub headlines as suggested.

Also aligned and formatted the text throughout the sales page.

Still looking for more feedback,

Revision 2 (before)
Revision 3 (after) (changes made after Don & Mel comments)

Thank you
Bertrand.

[donaldwilson]

Also you say "I" far too much.

Unfortunately, your buyer really doesn't care about you nearly as much as them.

Use "you" instead of I as much as possible.

I'd also address the issue with why they should listen to another word about the Deiss launch towards the beginning. The thought arises to me in the first couple sentences so if you don't clear that up fast I believe people will click off.

Your sub-heads are far too long.....use shorter ones until you get better at copy....here's a link to my test thread....not done, but you can see the difference..

http://www.warriorforum.com/test-forum/432280-test.html

hope that helps,

-don

[Toniy]

Hey there Dude

I'm gonna blast through this as I read it... I've got this page up in one tab, and your copy up in another... I'm gonna read through the copy and make my notes here.

That should do somethin' for ya

It might read like I've just given you ****, but I mean it with love

Wooh! Let' go.

(I'm going to pick up on every little thing I can buddy, ok? ... the underlines show the suggested changes)

1) Headline: Capitalise 'the, to, a, is, a, it, an' ... uniformity

2) "We all share a common problem"

3) "and we're still stuck in the same place"

4) "Do you ever feel sucked in"

5) "Or maybe you're fed up with this endless product launch circus"

6) "I get those same big launch emails all the time!"

7) "make millions for its creators"

8) "I put on my white lab coat, grabbed my best scalpel"

9) "I sincerely thought I'd keep this to myself"

10) Instead of this:

I sincerely thought of keeping this to myself. This is gold
for anyone involved in promoting any products online, IM
or non-IM.

But then I remembered that sharing runs through a
Warrior's blood

So I opened up my best word processor, Mindmapped
the entire process and shot a few videos ready for you
to download today. I called this beast:

TRY THIS:

"I honestly thought of keeping this to myself... but then I remembered that sharing knowledge is in a Warrior's blood... So I took my dissection and built it back up again, turning it into a crystal-clear multimedia package that reveals ALL of those Big Name Guru Secrets. The result?"

11) "reveals in detail, the entire product launch process."

12) Time for bullet points:

• A FULL 3 Week Overview, from JV warm up, to pre-launch, to the final launch itself... so you'll never be left guessing, you'll have the same blueprint of success.
• Discover the psychological tricks the big name gurus have spent years developing (in just minutes) to send their subscribers and prospects into a frenzy... Have people frantic for your product too!
• Reveal the top secret tools and tactics kept secret by IM millionaires and big branders alike, gain that cutting edge over your competitors and make your life 100x easier.

... something like that


For the rest... just remember to ask yourself, with every single sentence you write... "Why is this good for the customer?" Have that question in the back of your mind the whole time.

"How does this benefit them?"
"What does this mean to them?"
"Why is this good for them?"

If you don't have a good answer to that... it doesn't need to be there

Hope this has helped some mate, let me know if you need anything.

All the best,

Adam

[BlairBarnes]

Hey Glad you are getting such good feedback for your Sales Page. Here is a few things I noticed, hope they help.

In your subhead "an hawk" should be "a hawk".

You should also try putting a testimonial or 2 at the top part of your sales page as well.
One other tip I would recommend is called "Dual Readership Path". Basically it means that your subheadlines should explain 1) heres what I got 2) heres what it will do for you 3) heres what I want you to do next.

Hope some of this helps, I will actually be realeasing a WSO on copywriting in a week or two, I would love to give out a few review copies in exchange for some testimonials I could use on the sales page. If anybody is interested please PM me.

[bertranddo]

Thanks a lot for the feedback everyone, I will try to make
the last few changes before I go live!

Thanks again,
Bertrand.

[bertranddo]

WSO is now live here

Your feedback on the copy is still very welcomed,
Thanks!