I KNOW this is gonna hurt!

[Michael D Forbes]

Hi everyone... I could use some input from you copy pros that have a few minutes to spare. I just put a product on ClickBank a few days ago and have done no promotion yet, as I'm having a bit of self-doubt on my copy.

I am selling this as a WSO and it's doing quite well, but from the small amount of traffic it has received on CB it's pretty slow. I know... different price point, market, presentation, all of it. But I still wonder if the copy couldn't be stronger. It's a first effort on copy for me.

Link To My Sales Page

Please try to avoid mentioning the product name in this thread if you can help it.

[Michael D Forbes]

This hurts less than I thought it would...

[Alex Ceskavich]

You missed the trend.

- Alex

[RickDuris]

Hi Michael,

Four ideas -- all related to "above the fold":

1. The header is too tall. reduce by 40%.

2. The video is too big. Make it smaller.

3. Center the FaceBook "likes" graphic and functionality under the video.

4. See if you can make so the first line of the headline "Finally! Force Twitter to" show above the fold as well.

The intent is to make it so prospect DOESN'T have to scroll. Here' the caveat: Make the 1st line show above the fold. This creates curiousity and makes the prospect WANT to scroll.

- Rick Duris

PS: Sorry, if this doesn't anything to do with the copy. Can you try that and let us know how it works?

[MarkJones]

Hey Michael,

Your copy isn't too bad, but the layout of your site isn't the best..

Personally I think you should make the changes that Rick suggested above along with a few more..

Before you have the video you should have a lead and a headline.. Right now there is no reason why i should be watching that video. Im sure it goes through and tells me something amazing, but you give me no reason to watch it.. Use a lead and headline to tell the page viewer why it's so important for them the watch your video.

Mark

[RickDuris]

Originally Posted by MarkJones

Hey Michael,

Your copy isn't too bad, but the layout of your site isn't the best..

Personally I think you should make the changes that Rick suggested above along with a few more..

Before you have the video you should have a lead and a headline.. Right now there is no reason why i should be watching that video. Im sure it goes through and tells me something amazing, but you give me no reason to watch it.. Use a lead and headline to tell the page viewer why it's so important for them the watch your video.

Mark

Good idea, Mark.

Michael, what's the big overarching promise of the program?

- Rick Duris

[ewenmack]

As Alex said, you've missed the wave.

Unless you can call out to the surfers that there is indeed
money to be made, unlike what's seen before...

then no amount of fancy words will make up for the market change.

Best,
Ewen

[BlairBarnes]

Originally Posted by MarkJones

Hey Michael,

Your copy isn't too bad, but the layout of your site isn't the best..

Personally I think you should make the changes that Rick suggested above along with a few more..

Before you have the video you should have a lead and a headline.. Right now there is no reason why i should be watching that video. Im sure it goes through and tells me something amazing, but you give me no reason to watch it.. Use a lead and headline to tell the page viewer why it's so important for them the watch your video.

Mark

I agree. The headline "Finally etc" should be above the video. I would sugest a pre-headline to warm the reader up to your headline...then have the video...then I would have a subheadline underneath to lead into the body copy of your offer. The first thing you need to do is sell the reader on watching your video and reading the rest of the sales letter. Hope this helps, the page looks really nice though!

[Tiffiney Cowan]

Michael,
I enjoyed your copy, especially this:
"If your bag is already stuffed with slick tricks and you have T begging for mercy, you can go now... thanks for stopping by."

After that you sort of lost me because you began referring to yourself as an expert and tried to get me all excited about getting two hours of specifics from you on how to leverage T, but you didn't tell me who you are, your experience with T, and how you took those initial 100 followers you mentioned and ... what? Establish yourself as an expert by sharing your experience and hook readers in.

[The Copy Nazi]

Truly awful page. Dud video. You're trying to be too cute. C-u-t t-o t-h-e c-h-a-s-e.

You start the video with some crap about what you would expect to pay a consultant. Who cares? Just get in to it - tell us what you have, what it does, why our miserable lives will be so much better if we have it too...tell us the price and where to get it.

Then you frig around with the price - again trying to justify it.

Oh yeah - that photo of the smiling bozo in bed with the god-awful caption "Why is this man so happy?" - I looked at the woman in bed next to him and had a few answers. None of them were "because he just Tweeted 16 times before getting out of bed". You kidding me?

And finally - the headline just reads like something out of "100 Fabulous headlines for any salespage".

"Finally! Force T------ to explode your earnings on autopilot using powerful underground methods to suck in High-Profit T-----.

The buzz-words there are "Powerful underground methods" - that's what you should immediately expand on in the "deck". Like -

"Underground methods that are completely legal but make your Tw---- go ballistic.
You won't see these methods anywhere else. You won't get your account banned. You WILL see...

And Dude...sorry...but you are no voiceover guy. Your voice is too soft. You need a pro. Or at least one of those V/O guys on Fiverr. (in a past life I used V/O guys for radio spots 5 days a week).

We say this all the time here - but really, it's true. Hire a pro - bite the bullet and get a real copywriter. And make a proper video while you're at it - get your writer to script that too.

[Jamesgregory]

Originally Posted by Tiffiney

Michael,
I enjoyed your copy, especially this:
"If your bag is already stuffed with slick tricks and you have T begging for mercy, you can go now... thanks for stopping by."

After that you sort of lost me because you began referring to yourself as an expert and tried to get me all excited about getting two hours of specifics from you on how to leverage T, but you didn't tell me who you are, your experience with T, and how you took those initial 100 followers you mentioned and ... what? Establish yourself as an expert by sharing your experience and hook readers in.

She brings up good points..

Very attractive sales page! If you can show examples of how you and others are killing it with twitter and reinforce the notion that there's (still) tons to be made by leveraging the power of twitter.

A few words like "Wringing" and "Niggling" should be replaced with something more straightforward. The first thing I do when checking my copy or others is to make sure what's being said is COMPLETELY understandable. Write like you're talking to a 4th grader is a good guideline to follow.

Other than that I would make it much more benefit- based for instance, instead of "2 hours with a twitter expert? That would be phenomenal!" say something like "2 hours with an expert who can show me how to rake in fistfuls of cash leveraging the power of Twitter?" reinforce benefits benefits benefits. Hope this helps! Best of luck!

[RefundHost]

Originally Posted by RickDuris

The intent is to make it so prospect DOESN'T have to scroll. Here' the caveat: Make the 1st line show above the fold. This creates curiousity and makes the prospect WANT to scroll.

My Long-Lost TWIN - separated at birth.

Originally Posted by RickDuris

PS: Sorry, if this doesn't anything to do with the copy.

Sure helps it be SEEN! ( Can't be read if they go away b4 they see it! )

[Michael D Forbes]

Alrighty then, it DID hurt after all!

Thanks to everyone for your comments... even Copy Nazi (though you left me bleeding in the gutter.)

Alex & Ewen - I believe to some extent you are right, that the "wave" has passed, this is a huge learning experience for me, and I would do many things differently next time, but I'm confident that there are some fish left in the ocean behind the wave.

Rick, Mark, Blair - Excellent points that I will work on as soon as I can. The whole "Fold" thing was escaping me obviously. I knew something seemed wrong in that regard but I was too close to it (and inexperienced) to see it.

Tiffiney - Thanks, and more good points I will work on.

Copy Nazi - After feeling nice and offended for a minute or two, I realized you were offering me some very helpful advice. I still feel like you punched my Mother in the nose, but indeed, sales aren't made from me sitting around admiring my own ideas, are they?

James - Maybe I should just stick to graphics work? Nah... with help like you all have given me, I can learn this stuff too.

OK - I'm off to slice and dice... Thank you!

Michael

[The Magician]

It looks like the sales letter doesn't have a postscript or post postscript. Also, I can't recall seeing a sales letter in the IM niche with so many disclaimers in the footer of the message. Also, as I scroll vertically through the page, I see very few "order" buttons. Finally, "Add to Cart" on the order button isn't a strong call to action.

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by The Magician

It looks like the sales letter doesn't have a postscript or post postscript. Also, I can't recall seeing a sales letter in the IM niche with so many disclaimers in the footer of the message. Also, as I scroll vertically through the page, I see very few "order" buttons. Finally, "Add to Cart" on the order button isn't a strong call to action.

"Add to Cart" not a strong call to action? Really? Perry Belcher and Ryan Deiss tested the crap out of that and "'Add to Cart" was the winner by a long shot. Have a look - Perry Belcher Button

[Nick Brighton]

I agree will Mal,

The first few minutes of the video are totally irelevant. I know what you're trying to do... you're trying to build up the perceived value of your information by comparing apples to oranges.

Nothing wrong with that, but you jumped into pricing comparisons way too early. Talk about that stuff later, before you reveal the price.

But for now, you need to jump straight into who you are, what you've got and what it will do for me.

Once I know whether I want or need this, I'm more open to talking money with you.