Could You Offer A Brutally Honest Copy Critique?

DanteRomero · 08-23-2011, 11:03 PM

Hey!

Would you be interested in using your extensive
knowledge of copywriting to help a fellow warrior?

No need to filter what you're thinking. No-holds-barred
constructive criticism welcomed and preferred.

Here's where:
HiddenConstraints.com - How To Stop These Invisible Forces That Make Life A Struggle

It would be greatly appreciated!

Have An Awesome Day!
Dante

sanjaypande · 08-23-2011, 11:28 PM

Hi Dante,
Who are you talking to? It's hard to tell. The headline is weak and does not call out to the audience.

I would recommend rewriting this as a story (or multiple stories) and replacing the headline. Make sure it addresses your target market.

Take Care,

Sanjay

Bruce NewMedia · 08-23-2011, 11:53 PM

I guess you want visitors to subscribe to your free newsletter, right?

If so, just eliminate the entire sales letter until you come to the ivory colored box on the bottom, "
"Request For Free Information"

...and just improve the copy in that box. The sales letter above just rambles on..
_____
Bruce

Izzy9 · 08-24-2011, 03:34 AM

Hi! I found it hard to understand what product you were offering in the headline. If you can be more specific, it may entice the readers to read more so that you can get a lot of subscribers for your site. I also found it very lenghthy. Good luck!

Danielle Lynn · 08-24-2011, 08:37 AM

Bruce and Sanjay make excellent points - you need to be clear about what you're offering, or at least what benefit the reader will get from reading your sales copy.

And after reading it myself - the biggest problem that's killing your copy is you don't sound sure of what you're offering.

The general idea seems to be "How to not let your mind get in the way of your success" - and I do mean general.

Everything seems to be based and built on promises and claims with no concrete substance such as "You'll be shown the big obstacles" or "Everybody is telling you the "secrets of success." are they right or wrong".

The "Three big obstacles" idea is good, but you don't get into specifics there.

Overall, your copy suffers from 'weak language.' For example, you use "Get rid of the Hidden Constraints that hold you back. There are far more obstacles than the 3 listed above ( and honestly those 3 are pretty light compared to some of the others )."

"Honestly","pretty", and "some of the" add nothing to this sentence. They take away. They add filler to your sentences that kills the strength of your pitch and makes it look like you're grabbing for words because you're not confident about your message.

Look at this sentence without those modifiers:
"And those 3 are light compared to others"

On top of it, the formatting and design is hard on the eyes. You're not making use of subheadlines, and the flow of the copy makes me stop reading every few sentences instead of pulling me deeper.

I would suggest thinking about the direct benefits your readers will get from subscribing. Don't just make vague promises of success. Think about what they can get from you that they can't get from other success guides.

Then tell them specifically.

Danielle

gjabiz · 08-24-2011, 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanteRomero

Hey!

Would you be interested in using your extensive
knowledge of copywriting to help a fellow warrior?

No need to filter what you're thinking. No-holds-barred
constructive criticism welcomed and preferred.

It would be greatly appreciated!

Dante

Dante,

While I'm waiting for a phone call, I looked at your site. It raises a lot of questions and I think Warrior brucerby is right with his question as to what the purpose is?

What EXACTLY are you trying to do? To get people to sign up for your FREE newsletter?

It appears that is the purpose...but, I had to wade through the swamp to get there, it's hard to tell.

So, to me, that says your site is NOT focused. WHOM are you addressing? HOW do they find this site and WHY would they come there?

Think SEO, organic, OK? What would the search terms be that may lead someone to this site? WHY would they land there? What are they seeking? Wanting? Needing?

Holding me back? From what?

I did an Amazon book search..."what's holding you back"... suggest you do the same and you'll see scores of books on a SIMILAR subject...the hidden constraints thing...

Some best sellers there too.

I tell this truthfully, it was HARD for me to read the whole thing. DIFFICULT.

I think brucerby is right. Put your offer up, or use a fly in or some box sign up, to capture the email, which is apparently what you want to do.

And why TEASE for a newsletter? Why not just tell me what the 3 big obstacles are? OR tell me why success books aren't what they are cracked up to be (who's cracking them up).

My CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is you start over.

Sit down and write a letter to a friend. A friend who may be going through what you once went through...a feeling there was more to it, that you were'nt getting your fair share...but you felt something was holding you back.

Identify what it was. Tell your friend you discovered the hidden constraints you didn't even know existed and WHY they were the hidden force behind your failure...until you overcame them.

In other words, tell a personal story. OR have stories of people who have overcome their hidden constraints.

This, in my opinion, is not going to get you the results you want. Has ANYONE signed up for the SIMPLEOGY course you are really touting?

The pdf is poorly done, why not give it another go? I think with all the tools that Joyner provides for his affiliates...this attempt is unnecessary and a waste of your time. Why not just copy and paste some of his promotions?

If you have had some success with SIMPLEOLOGY, that should be story. It seems you're going around a very big bush to get to the end game.

I think a simple FREE report box will work much better than this convoluted copy you have there now. Hope you find this constructive.

gjabiz

brianman · 08-24-2011, 03:46 PM

I don't get the sense of what you're selling, offering, or trying to say in this article. The headline is vague. And, from there, I can't really get into the article at all. I think there are way too many points. Simplify it and come up with a concise message.

DanteRomero · 08-25-2011, 06:23 AM

Hey all,

Thanks for the replies. I'll go over this with a comb and see what I can do.

I think these are the main points I definitely can see. ( although, I'm going to take a look at all of them )
-I need to write less ( A free product can be sold in fewer points but also I restate things in different language to no actual benefit )
-I need to make it clear what I'm offering
-My audience is not clearly enough defined to begin with

If anyone has anything else to say, that'd be great.

I really appreciate the constructive criticism.
Dante

gjabiz · 08-25-2011, 07:04 AM

I reserve the right to be wrong...however,

this whole thing appears to be a way for you to get around the WF rule about posting affiliate links.

There is nothing wrong with touting or promoting SIMPLEOLOGY, and Joyner is considered by many to be the godfather of IM, but, your whole appraoch, plus youy number of recent posts in several forums...all indicate you simply want your sig file hit.

IF you are monetized only by being a SIMPLE affiliate, I find this approach short lived.

Why do you double space everything? In the pdf file, it makes it difficult to read.

I think if you want to be successful as a Simpleology affiliate...you need to tell YOUR personal story of success...if it has indeed helped you.

Otherwise, it appears you are just trolling the WF looking for low hanging fruit for your affiliate program.

Again, just my perception and I may be wrong.

gjabiz

PS. I may not be the ONLY one, but I'd bet I'm one of the few that has taken the time to download your FREE report, follow all the links, read all the stuff and realize it is a fairly poor attempt to get me to become a sign up for Simpleology...again, nothing against the course...it is good stuff...just doesn't need this "sneaky" sales approach...sneaky being the way you have constructed your program to get around the WF NO affiliate link rule. Just my opinion.

Mark Andrews · 08-25-2011, 07:06 AM

I've tried 3 times to critique this piece Dante and I'm just holding my head in my hands groaning. Where do you start? It's an absolute mess right from the very beginning.

A diabolical copywriting attempt by any stretch of the imagination. You definitely haven't got this skill. Or... if you employed someone to do this on your behalf, fire them instantly - for they definitely haven't got the foggiest clue what they're doing.

This piece will take ruthless editing to a whole new level. No exaggeration.

You think this piece will convert? Good luck! I can tell you now it's going to bomb massively. Start again. Just chuck it in the bin and start again. And this time...

Actually identify first and foremost what the actual frustration and pain is of your target audience. And then write to this audience as though writing to a friend conversationally.

And keep it very simple.

Don't jar on their emotions. Amplify the pain first and then smoothly position your product as their ideal solution.

Your sales copy needs to be a transitory journey through the emotions.

Identifying the pain.

Recognizing it.

Acknowledging it.

Empathizing with said target market personal feelings. And then...

...and only then deliver your solution. You want your prospect to feel the pain and within the space of less than a minute experience the sensation of great relief at finding the answer / solution to end their suffering.

At this point direct them straight into the buy it now button. And ask for the order.

Best,

Pete Walker

Mark Andrews · 08-25-2011, 07:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gjabiz

I reserve the right to be wrong...however,

this whole thing appears to be a way for you to get around the WF rule about posting affiliate links.

There is nothing wrong with touting or promoting SIMPLEOLOGY, and Joyner is considered by many to be the godfather of IM, but, your whole appraoch, plus youy number of recent posts in several forums...all indicate you simply want your sig file hit.

IF you are monetized only by being a SIMPLE affiliate, I find this approach short lived.

Why do you double space everything? In the pdf file, it makes it difficult to read.

I think if you want to be successful as a Simpleology affiliate...you need to tell YOUR personal story of success...if it has indeed helped you.

Otherwise, it appears you are just trolling the WF looking for low hanging fruit for your affiliate program.

Again, just my perception and I may be wrong.

gjabiz

PS. I may not be the ONLY one, but I'd bet I'm one of the few that has taken the time to download your FREE report, follow all the links, read all the stuff and realize it is a fairly poor attempt to get me to become a sign up for Simpleology...again, nothing against the course...it is good stuff...just doesn't need this "sneaky" sales approach...sneaky being the way you have constructed your program to get around the WF NO affiliate link rule. Just my opinion.

Posters like this get on my tits. You want to genuinely help them because you love your craft. But these clowns just take advantage whichever way they can and don't think twice about wasting everyone's time.

Thanks for bringing this point up Gjabiz.

Kindest regards,

Pete

zannix · 08-25-2011, 08:12 AM

Hi friend,

It's definitely too much text

A useful freebie should practically sell itself. Spice it up with a few
inticing questions and bullet point the benefits of your product.

Take a look at my site in the signature (j benefits), I'm getting around
10% conversion from those 50 words or so...

My 2 cents

Zannix

DanteRomero · 08-26-2011, 10:52 PM

If that is how I am comingacross gja then I definitely need to adjust my approach. Because that isn't my intention. I want to provide a quality newsletter and ebook first. The simpleology thing is supposed to be just secondary -- not my primary concern.

Thank you for sharing your insights. I can see that I have misrepresented myself in my sales funnel. ( and also on warrior forum it seems )

Quote:

Originally Posted by gjabiz

I reserve the right to be wrong...however,

this whole thing appears to be a way for you to get around the WF rule about posting affiliate links.

There is nothing wrong with touting or promoting SIMPLEOLOGY, and Joyner is considered by
many to be the godfather of IM, but, your whole appraoch, plus youy number of recent posts in several forums...all indicate you simply want your sig file hit.

IF you are monetized only by being a SIMPLE affiliate, I find this approach short lived.

Why do you double space everything? In the pdf file, it makes it difficult to read.

I think if you want to be successful as a Simpleology affiliate...you need to tell YOUR personal story of success...if it has indeed helped you.

Otherwise, it appears you are just trolling the WF looking for low hanging fruit for your affiliate program.

Again, just my perception and I may be wrong.

gjabiz

PS. I may not be the ONLY one, but I'd bet I'm one of the few that has taken the time to download your FREE report, follow all the links, read all the stuff and realize it is a fairly poor attempt to get me to become a sign up for Simpleology...again, nothing against the course...it is good stuff...just doesn't need this "sneaky" sales approach...sneaky being the way you have constructed your program to get around the WF NO affiliate link rule. Just my opinion.

Shawn Lee · 08-26-2011, 11:14 PM

Conversion tip: Make your background colour in contrast with the background colour of your "focus area". Ahh! How do I say it. Nevermind, the picture will do the talking...

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HJ_mb3Jq9T...0/Untitled.png

As for the copy itself, I'm just starting to learn copywriting, and I doubt I would give you any concrete advice, but you lost me in your headline.

All the best!

08-23-2011, 11:03 PM	#1
DanteRomero HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 116 Blog Entries: 4 Thanks: 7 Thanked 42 Times in 19 Posts	Could You Offer A Brutally Honest Copy Critique? Hey! Would you be interested in using your extensive knowledge of copywriting to help a fellow warrior? No need to filter what you're thinking. No-holds-barred constructive criticism welcomed and preferred. Here's where: HiddenConstraints.com - How To Stop These Invisible Forces That Make Life A Struggle It would be greatly appreciated! Have An Awesome Day! Dante

08-23-2011, 11:28 PM	#2
sanjaypande Sanjay Pande War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Canada Posts: 108 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 104 Thanked 118 Times in 58 Posts Social Networking	Re: Could You Offer A Brutally Honest Copy Critique? Hi Dante, Who are you talking to? It's hard to tell. The headline is weak and does not call out to the audience. I would recommend rewriting this as a story (or multiple stories) and replacing the headline. Make sure it addresses your target market. Take Care, Sanjay

08-23-2011, 11:53 PM	#3
Bruce NewMedia www.OfflineAdvance.com War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Chicago Posts: 2,179 Thanks: 1,514 Thanked 679 Times in 376 Posts	Re: Could You Offer A Brutally Honest Copy Critique? I guess you want visitors to subscribe to your free newsletter, right? If so, just eliminate the entire sales letter until you come to the ivory colored box on the bottom, " "Request For Free Information" ...and just improve the copy in that box. The sales letter above just rambles on.. _____ Bruce
	Mobile Marketer Tools - Offline Mobile Flyers Offline Scripts Close Deals- Offline Sales Scripts Facebook Leads HERE - Facebook Consulting $2,500 Fees - Online Reputation Repair

08-24-2011, 03:34 AM	#4
Izzy9 Active Warrior Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: Asia Posts: 66 Thanks: 7 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts	Re: Could You Offer A Brutally Honest Copy Critique? Hi! I found it hard to understand what product you were offering in the headline. If you can be more specific, it may entice the readers to read more so that you can get a lot of subscribers for your site. I also found it very lenghthy. Good luck!

08-24-2011, 08:37 AM	#5
Danielle Lynn Expert Word Weaver War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 479 Thanks: 222 Thanked 265 Times in 154 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Could You Offer A Brutally Honest Copy Critique? Bruce and Sanjay make excellent points - you need to be clear about what you're offering, or at least what benefit the reader will get from reading your sales copy. And after reading it myself - the biggest problem that's killing your copy is you don't sound sure of what you're offering. The general idea seems to be "How to not let your mind get in the way of your success" - and I do mean general. Everything seems to be based and built on promises and claims with no concrete substance such as "You'll be shown the big obstacles" or "Everybody is telling you the "secrets of success." are they right or wrong". The "Three big obstacles" idea is good, but you don't get into specifics there. Overall, your copy suffers from 'weak language.' For example, you use "Get rid of the Hidden Constraints that hold you back. There are far more obstacles than the 3 listed above ( and honestly those 3 are pretty light compared to some of the others )." "Honestly","pretty", and "some of the" add nothing to this sentence. They take away. They add filler to your sentences that kills the strength of your pitch and makes it look like you're grabbing for words because you're not confident about your message. Look at this sentence without those modifiers: "And those 3 are light compared to others" On top of it, the formatting and design is hard on the eyes. You're not making use of subheadlines, and the flow of the copy makes me stop reading every few sentences instead of pulling me deeper. I would suggest thinking about the direct benefits your readers will get from subscribing. Don't just make vague promises of success. Think about what they can get from you that they can't get from other success guides. Then tell them specifically. Danielle
	The Clear Copywriter Get Emails that Train Your List to Click 'n Buy

08-24-2011, 03:46 PM	#7
brianman Active Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: Atlanta Posts: 66 Thanks: 1 Thanked 5 Times in 4 Posts	Re: Could You Offer A Brutally Honest Copy Critique? I don't get the sense of what you're selling, offering, or trying to say in this article. The headline is vague. And, from there, I can't really get into the article at all. I think there are way too many points. Simplify it and come up with a concise message.
	Atlanta SEO \| Atlanta Search Engine Optimization \| Atlanta Search Engine Optimization Consulting \| Atlanta Website Design

08-25-2011, 06:23 AM	#8
DanteRomero HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 116 Blog Entries: 4 Thanks: 7 Thanked 42 Times in 19 Posts	Re: Could You Offer A Brutally Honest Copy Critique? Hey all, Thanks for the replies. I'll go over this with a comb and see what I can do. I think these are the main points I definitely can see. ( although, I'm going to take a look at all of them ) -I need to write less ( A free product can be sold in fewer points but also I restate things in different language to no actual benefit ) -I need to make it clear what I'm offering -My audience is not clearly enough defined to begin with If anyone has anything else to say, that'd be great. I really appreciate the constructive criticism. Dante

08-25-2011, 07:04 AM	#9
gjabiz Advanced Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 760 Thanks: 173 Thanked 641 Times in 242 Posts	Just a question Dante. OK? I reserve the right to be wrong...however, this whole thing appears to be a way for you to get around the WF rule about posting affiliate links. There is nothing wrong with touting or promoting SIMPLEOLOGY, and Joyner is considered by many to be the godfather of IM, but, your whole appraoch, plus youy number of recent posts in several forums...all indicate you simply want your sig file hit. IF you are monetized only by being a SIMPLE affiliate, I find this approach short lived. Why do you double space everything? In the pdf file, it makes it difficult to read. I think if you want to be successful as a Simpleology affiliate...you need to tell YOUR personal story of success...if it has indeed helped you. Otherwise, it appears you are just trolling the WF looking for low hanging fruit for your affiliate program. Again, just my perception and I may be wrong. gjabiz PS. I may not be the ONLY one, but I'd bet I'm one of the few that has taken the time to download your FREE report, follow all the links, read all the stuff and realize it is a fairly poor attempt to get me to become a sign up for Simpleology...again, nothing against the course...it is good stuff...just doesn't need this "sneaky" sales approach...sneaky being the way you have constructed your program to get around the WF NO affiliate link rule. Just my opinion.

08-25-2011, 07:06 AM	#10
Mark Andrews SmokingHotCopy@gmail.com War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: In Somebody Else's Shoes Posts: 1,685 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 1,587 Thanked 1,333 Times in 722 Posts Contact Info	Re: Could You Offer A Brutally Honest Copy Critique? I've tried 3 times to critique this piece Dante and I'm just holding my head in my hands groaning. Where do you start? It's an absolute mess right from the very beginning. A diabolical copywriting attempt by any stretch of the imagination. You definitely haven't got this skill. Or... if you employed someone to do this on your behalf, fire them instantly - for they definitely haven't got the foggiest clue what they're doing. This piece will take ruthless editing to a whole new level. No exaggeration. You think this piece will convert? Good luck! I can tell you now it's going to bomb massively. Start again. Just chuck it in the bin and start again. And this time... Actually identify first and foremost what the actual frustration and pain is of your target audience. And then write to this audience as though writing to a friend conversationally. And keep it very simple. Don't jar on their emotions. Amplify the pain first and then smoothly position your product as their ideal solution. Your sales copy needs to be a transitory journey through the emotions. Identifying the pain. Recognizing it. Acknowledging it. Empathizing with said target market personal feelings. And then... ...and only then deliver your solution. You want your prospect to feel the pain and within the space of less than a minute experience the sensation of great relief at finding the answer / solution to end their suffering. At this point direct them straight into the buy it now button. And ask for the order. Best, Pete Walker
	"He struck the match. Fire flickered. The fuse lit and an explosion of emotional trigger words emanated like lightning through his fingertips..."

08-25-2011, 08:12 AM	#12
zannix SEO & Article Writing Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 612 Thanks: 204 Thanked 94 Times in 60 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Could You Offer A Brutally Honest Copy Critique? Hi friend, It's definitely too much text A useful freebie should practically sell itself. Spice it up with a few inticing questions and bullet point the benefits of your product. Take a look at my site in the signature (j benefits), I'm getting around 10% conversion from those 50 words or so... My 2 cents Zannix
	Are You Tired of Bad SEO Services? >> Get my Professional Blog Commenting Service For Just $2/Link! <<

08-26-2011, 11:14 PM	#14
Shawn Lee Active Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Singapore Posts: 46 Thanks: 3 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts	Re: Could You Offer A Brutally Honest Copy Critique? Conversion tip: Make your background colour in contrast with the background colour of your "focus area". Ahh! How do I say it. Nevermind, the picture will do the talking... http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HJ_mb3Jq9T...0/Untitled.png As for the copy itself, I'm just starting to learn copywriting, and I doubt I would give you any concrete advice, but you lost me in your headline. All the best!