an example of horrible copywriting

bannerdemers · 01-20-2009, 11:56 PM

Thanks everyone for all of the help. Still not done yet anyway, it's the cellular link in my sig file anyone who saw the original, yeah, it's a lot better.

Brenton · 01-21-2009, 05:02 AM

Woah. Make a new headline, space the article out some more and add sub heading. That would be an allright start.

John_S · 01-21-2009, 06:31 AM

Getting in on the ground floor. Few people want to be pioneers.

Show people already making money. Testimonials. Photos. Full names. Have them tell how easy it is.

Opportunity is only opportunity where there's proof of potential success. Show there is demand for this product. Show there is credible success being had, right now.

Loren Woirhaye · 01-21-2009, 07:11 AM

yeah. That's bad. Bizop copy is a specialty of mine. If
you want to become a client we can see about getting
you something that actually works.

There is a lot to it. Most bizop distributor websites are
making the weakest of appeals - it's part of the big
frustration most people who try to generate their
own leads have. If you must write it yourself get Maria
Veloso's book on Web Copy. It's no quick fix but it
will be a start for you.

You are also barking up the wrong tree with your email
system. I know. I used to use the same one.

AlanCarr · 01-21-2009, 11:17 AM

Oh boy, that sucks so bad... it makes me feel all smart and professional

Thanks for that!

I wouldn't know where to begin with advice, asides from "start again" and "Have a 2nd look at how YOU were sold this".

Doesn't the company have any promo materials, articles or anything?

B.

FitJerk · 01-21-2009, 11:37 AM

LOL ohh I needed a good laugh today.

Here's the simplest and most effective thing you can do. Actually ANY change on that page will be effective.

Get RID of that stupid counter... unless you get like 3000 visits a day, you're shooting yourself in your own foot.

... Actually... even IF you get that many hits a day, its STILL homosexual to the max to have a counter (no offense to homosexuals). Have a private counter, don't let others know how many hits you get.

bannerdemers · 01-21-2009, 01:57 PM

Ok. hit counters gone. Rewrote the verbage with pen and paper then changed quite a bit. cleaned up a lot of the mess, rewrote headline and subheadline. contacted my upline for testimonials(thanks for that tip).
I know it still sucks, but far less than before. Thank everybody for their brutal honesty (and I mean brutal) and tips to fix. I'll keep my eyes here for any more. I appreciate your time and trouble, and hope you got a good laugh at least out of the deal.Thanks.

AlanCarr · 01-21-2009, 02:12 PM

Images with white backgrounds on a blue background look like crap - try making a white section for the white background images.

B.

AlanCarr · 01-21-2009, 02:18 PM

Actually dude, you need serious help.

Am gonna pm you an offer

B.

erinwrites · 01-21-2009, 07:44 PM

Okay, I don't want to be brutal, but here are my first thoughts:

1. Your design needs to change. Don't be afraid of white space! White space calls attention to the text and images that you might want to use. Black text on a blue background (featuring clouds) on another blue background looks kind of like you scanned in a piece of stationery.

2. When in doubt about your writing, start with the five W's. Outside of the header, I have no idea who you are! Why would anybody sign up for an opportunity before they learn anything about the company itself?

3. Think of what would sell YOU on this opportunity. If you came across this would you think "Sign me up! Right now!" ?

Good luck!

bannerdemers · 01-21-2009, 09:38 PM

Thanks everyone. Tomorrow it gets tore down and rebuilt. Ground up. (Why do I feel exactly like I did when I flunked midterms in highschool?)

PhillipOlsson · 01-21-2009, 10:33 PM

I would def work on my color scheme, your font size is also inconsistent, i wouldn't indent your paragraphs and i would make each line look shorter and double spaced in between sentences so that the copy looks more fluent and easier to read.. Headline's gotta go, though i'm sure it took allot of patience to make it doesn't say professionalism.

No dont let all the negative discourage you.. critisizm is a very good thing because it allows you to see where you need ot focus more of your attention on.

best of luck, Phillip R Olsson.

P.S. a quick note... remeber when it comes to building a successfull business it is essential to spend time learning and developing your skills because this is actually 50% of the battle. The better you are at what you do the eassier it will be over time and soon you will be the one giving everyone else the advice. heres to honing our skills

01-20-2009, 11:56 PM	#1
bannerdemers Active Warrior Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 56 Thanks: 8 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	an example of horrible copywriting Thanks everyone for all of the help. Still not done yet anyway, it's the cellular link in my sig file anyone who saw the original, yeah, it's a lot better.
	save money. make money. http://www.bigskycellular.com tools and resources to get you started http://www.online-toolbox.net Last edited by bannerdemers; 01-22-2009 at 10:55 PM. Reason: update

01-21-2009, 05:02 AM	#2
Brenton Warrior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Australia Posts: 14 Thanks: 1 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts	Re: an example of horrible copywriting Woah. Make a new headline, space the article out some more and add sub heading. That would be an allright start.
	Place holder.

01-21-2009, 06:31 AM	#3
John_S Advanced Warrior Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: , , . Posts: 858 Thanks: 22 Thanked 384 Times in 231 Posts	Re: an example of horrible copywriting Getting in on the ground floor. Few people want to be pioneers. Show people already making money. Testimonials. Photos. Full names. Have them tell how easy it is. Opportunity is only opportunity where there's proof of potential success. Show there is demand for this product. Show there is credible success being had, right now.

01-21-2009, 07:11 AM	#4
Loren Woirhaye Who'm I kidding? War Room Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Easthampton, Massachusetts Posts: 4,542 Blog Entries: 15 Thanks: 117 Thanked 904 Times in 651 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: an example of horrible copywriting yeah. That's bad. Bizop copy is a specialty of mine. If you want to become a client we can see about getting you something that actually works. There is a lot to it. Most bizop distributor websites are making the weakest of appeals - it's part of the big frustration most people who try to generate their own leads have. If you must write it yourself get Maria Veloso's book on Web Copy. It's no quick fix but it will be a start for you. You are also barking up the wrong tree with your email system. I know. I used to use the same one.
	HOT! $25,000,000/yr Copywriter's Secret Book—FREE! \| The "Automated Free Traffic Formula" ArticleBot Secrets Revealed! Breakthrough Marketing Blog (+ goodies) CopyWriting Services

01-21-2009, 11:17 AM	#5
AlanCarr Ace Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Tropical Island... Posts: 380 Thanks: 35 Thanked 48 Times in 36 Posts Contact Info	Re: an example of horrible copywriting Oh boy, that sucks so bad... it makes me feel all smart and professional Thanks for that! I wouldn't know where to begin with advice, asides from "start again" and "Have a 2nd look at how YOU were sold this". Doesn't the company have any promo materials, articles or anything? B.

01-21-2009, 11:37 AM	#6
FitJerk Envied By The Masses... Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 159 Thanks: 3 Thanked 45 Times in 17 Posts Social Networking	Re: an example of horrible copywriting LOL ohh I needed a good laugh today. Here's the simplest and most effective thing you can do. Actually ANY change on that page will be effective. Get RID of that stupid counter... unless you get like 3000 visits a day, you're shooting yourself in your own foot. ... Actually... even IF you get that many hits a day, its STILL homosexual to the max to have a counter (no offense to homosexuals). Have a private counter, don't let others know how many hits you get.
	[FJ's Hidden Gem] - This Transforms Warriors Into Assassins! [FitJerk's Blog] - Fitness Tips So Effective, They Should Be Illegal! [Opt-In Manual] - How I Exploded My Opt-Ins by 200%! FREE Report, No Email Needed!

01-21-2009, 01:57 PM	#7
bannerdemers Active Warrior Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 56 Thanks: 8 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: an example of horrible copywriting Ok. hit counters gone. Rewrote the verbage with pen and paper then changed quite a bit. cleaned up a lot of the mess, rewrote headline and subheadline. contacted my upline for testimonials(thanks for that tip). I know it still sucks, but far less than before. Thank everybody for their brutal honesty (and I mean brutal) and tips to fix. I'll keep my eyes here for any more. I appreciate your time and trouble, and hope you got a good laugh at least out of the deal.Thanks.
	save money. make money. http://www.bigskycellular.com tools and resources to get you started http://www.online-toolbox.net

01-21-2009, 02:12 PM	#8
AlanCarr Ace Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Tropical Island... Posts: 380 Thanks: 35 Thanked 48 Times in 36 Posts Contact Info	Re: an example of horrible copywriting Images with white backgrounds on a blue background look like crap - try making a white section for the white background images. B.

01-21-2009, 02:18 PM	#9
AlanCarr Ace Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Tropical Island... Posts: 380 Thanks: 35 Thanked 48 Times in 36 Posts Contact Info	Re: an example of horrible copywriting Actually dude, you need serious help. Am gonna pm you an offer B.

01-21-2009, 07:44 PM	#10
erinwrites Writer Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: PDX, USA Posts: 293 Thanks: 42 Thanked 28 Times in 25 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: an example of horrible copywriting Okay, I don't want to be brutal, but here are my first thoughts: 1. Your design needs to change. Don't be afraid of white space! White space calls attention to the text and images that you might want to use. Black text on a blue background (featuring clouds) on another blue background looks kind of like you scanned in a piece of stationery. 2. When in doubt about your writing, start with the five W's. Outside of the header, I have no idea who you are! Why would anybody sign up for an opportunity before they learn anything about the company itself? 3. Think of what would sell YOU on this opportunity. If you came across this would you think "Sign me up! Right now!" ? Good luck!
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01-21-2009, 09:38 PM	#11
bannerdemers Active Warrior Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 56 Thanks: 8 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: an example of horrible copywriting Thanks everyone. Tomorrow it gets tore down and rebuilt. Ground up. (Why do I feel exactly like I did when I flunked midterms in highschool?)
	save money. make money. http://www.bigskycellular.com tools and resources to get you started http://www.online-toolbox.net

01-21-2009, 10:33 PM	#12
PhillipOlsson philliprolsson Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Norwich Posts: 26 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 3 Posts Social Networking	Re: an example of horrible copywriting I would def work on my color scheme, your font size is also inconsistent, i wouldn't indent your paragraphs and i would make each line look shorter and double spaced in between sentences so that the copy looks more fluent and easier to read.. Headline's gotta go, though i'm sure it took allot of patience to make it doesn't say professionalism. No dont let all the negative discourage you.. critisizm is a very good thing because it allows you to see where you need ot focus more of your attention on. best of luck, Phillip R Olsson. P.S. a quick note... remeber when it comes to building a successfull business it is essential to spend time learning and developing your skills because this is actually 50% of the battle. The better you are at what you do the eassier it will be over time and soon you will be the one giving everyone else the advice. heres to honing our skills
	Most people are out there asking how many people can i get into my business, When what they should be asking is how many people can i help with my business. Success is a state of mind.... Whats your mindset?