How To Avoid Tattle-Tale Copywriting

[Raydal]

When she stepped on the scale a warning message popped out which
read, “One at a time please!”

So goes a local community joke from my childhood days. And it
definitely beats those, “Your mama is so fat …” jokes. At least,
in my book.

Why? Because the statement is “showing” and not “telling”.

You get the ‘fat’ joke because I didn’t just tell you that she
was fat, but show you instead. And those “your mama is so fat”
jokes give away the punch line at the beginning anyway.

But this idea of “showing and not telling” is not just about joke
telling–or joke showing–it’s one of the fundamental ‘rules’ of
fiction writing that you should also apply to your copywriting.

Copywriting is always more emotionally powerful and engaging when
you give specific details about the emotions that you felt,
rather than listing those emotions. Whenever you give the details
you allow the reader to build their own mental pictures which are
more interesting than you can ever tell.

Since we are talking about showing, then some examples should
help here:

Telling: I felt mentally and physically drained.

Showing: My legs could barely hold up my body as I crawled unto
the sofa. I tried to cry myself to sleep but the tears came
without the sleep.

In the telling example, you have a mental understanding of my
situation but you cannot share in my feelings. In the showing
case, you are made a part of the scene because you are invited to
feel what I feel. You are drawn into the action making the
writing more engaging and compelling.

Showing involves using action, speech and thoughts to dramatize
or illustrate what you are feeling or doing. This involves more
than using all kinds of adjectives and describing every detail
whether these details are useful or not. You don’t want to
overwhelm your readers with mountains of details but select only
those specifics that matter.

Consider the following example:

Case 1: I’ll never forget the way I felt when I made my first
online sale. I was elated!

Here I’m simply telling you how I felt without creating in you
the same feeling that I felt. This results in the narrative
falling flat on its face.

Case 2: If I were to outlive Methuselah, I’ll never forget
how totally elated I was after making my first online sale. I was
so overjoyed that I thought my heart would burst. I told my wife,
friends and anyone who came within earshot of me.

I’ve added some extra details that have just expanded the telling
without giving you any reason to feel my joy and elation. You
learn nothing new and I took you through a longer passage which
is punishment to the reader.

Case 3: It was 2:30 a.m. and a strange time to be checking my
email. But there it was–the notification for my first online
sale. I ran all way upstairs and awoke my wife. “I did it! I did
it!” She warned me that if I didn’t calm down the noise would
awake the kids in the next room. But as far as I was concerned,
no one in the family should be sleeping at a time like this. I
was now an official internet marketer.

This time I don’t have to tell you that I was elated about making
my first online sale because the specific details I’ve shared
show the depth of my emotion.

By the way, here is how I started that sales letter from which I
made this first sale …

Dear Friend,

I think that I stopped breathing for a moment! I felt a rush
of adrenaline. You’ll guess much like striking gold.

I looked at my web stats page for about 5 minutes. Just
couldn’t believe what they revealed. There had to be some
mistake. But no … this turned out to be one of the best kept
traffic secrets on the Internet. I was getting FREE traffic by
doing absolutely nothing!

Yes, my stats were not fooling me at all!

(And that letter did a whopping 15% conversion!)

Another way in which you may tell too much is by using adverbs
after “he said”, “he replied” such as: “she said bitterly”; “he
replied angrily”. You should let the dialogue itself show the
speaker’s manner or condition. Also be careful of overloading
your conversations with explanatory verbs: “he corrected”, “she
congratulated.”

It’s often said that rules are made to be broken and in no other
discipline is this truer than copywriting. Copywriters hate any
writing rules, and if they know any they’ll deliberately break
them just to anger grammarians.

Ahh! I just told you something that I should have shown.

But this illustrates a point-there are exceptions to the “show,
don’t tell rule”. The whole point is that it helps your scene to
become more dramatic and if you continually do this then nothing
will stand out. It would be like highlighting every word in a
letter.

Telling can be used as a short cut to the real meaty part of the
story. Also if you have already given the details previously you
don’t want to repeat the same “showing” all over again when
retelling the scene.

Also, showing requires more words and can make your sales letter
unnecessarily long. So the less important elements of your story
can be told and the more important elements shown. In essence,
don’t overdo the showing.

Sometimes telling is the best way to go.

Consider: “In the beginning God created the heaven and the
earth”. -The Bible

I couldn’t think of a more powerful way to open the most popular
non-fiction book in the world.

Whenever I read the sales letters of the old master of
copywriting I can immediately see how they used the rule of
“show, don’t tell.”

You should too.

-Ray Edwards

[Carl-Reed]

If my english teacher was more like you, maybe I would have listened more.

Thanks

[Raydal]

Originally Posted by Carl-Reed

If my english teacher was more like you, maybe I would have listened more.

Thanks

LOL. I taught high school English Literature for a little while, but never English.
Maybe I should consider changing professions.

-Ray Edwards

[MikeHumphreys]

Originally Posted by Raydal

LOL. I taught high school English Literature for a little while, but never English.
Maybe I should consider changing professions.

-Ray Edwards

Ray, your wife would kill you if you took that kind of drastic pay cut.

Great article. Just demonstrates why I'm right when I say you're one of the best copywriting teachers available these days.

[Raydal]

Originally Posted by MikeHumphreys

Ray, your wife would kill you if you took that kind of drastic pay cut.

Great article. Just demonstrates why I'm right when I say you're one of the best copywriting teachers available these days.

LOL. She may be glad to get me out of the house but she'll miss the other perks.
Hard to beat copywriting when it comes to portability and not having to work for
a boss for wages they set.

Still love teaching though.

-Ray Edwards

[Dean Dhuli]

Originally Posted by Raydal

LOL. She may be glad to get me out of the house but she'll miss the other perks.
Hard to beat copywriting when it comes to portability and not having to work for
a boss for wages they set.

And also the freedom to work only when we want and for how long we want.

Still love teaching though.

So you're still teaching right?...over at your learncopy forum.

I believe it should be equally enjoyable for you...if not more.

[Derry42]

Leading with a good joke is always an attention getter too!

[MontelloMarketing]

Originally Posted by Derry42

Leading with a good joke is always an attention getter too!

Maybe in toast masters, but certainly not in sales copy. Any newbies reading this, heads up... do NOT open your sales letter with a joke.

[Raydal]

Originally Posted by MontelloMarketing

Maybe in toast masters, but certainly not in sales copy. Any newbies reading this, heads up... do NOT open your sales letter with a joke.

Vin I'm confused. This is an article not a sales letter so I don't understand the
caution though it has merit for a sales letter.

-Ray Edwards

[procopywriter]

Excellent post, Ray!