Serious Copywriters Only

Mad Dawg · 01-22-2009, 05:47 PM

Hey all,

I'm currently working on tweaking my sales letter to get it converting at a healthy 2-3+%.

I am by no means a copy writer, but I feel I have written a decent letter. If a few people could critique it, I would greatly appreciate it.

Also, If someone feels they know how to greatly improve my copy, I could definitely pay, either a flat rate USD or by returning IM favors.

The sales letter is here How to Seduce Women, How to Attract Women, How to Meet Women

Hope to see a few critiques. It really helps to get outside opinions on your writing.

Thanks warriors!

dorothydot · 01-22-2009, 07:44 PM

Uh, if you dropped the first phrase, I MIGHT take a look. Obviously you're appealling primarily to male copywriters.

Justin Mandel · 01-22-2009, 07:53 PM

Kurt-

Your subhead on your header is way too complicated. You need to simplify it to make it more effective or risk losing sales IMHO.

Best of luck!

Mad Dawg · 01-22-2009, 09:45 PM

Thanks for the tip justin. I will take a serious look at it.

Yea dorothy, probably more of a man's job

Dean Dhuli · 01-22-2009, 11:28 PM

Kurt,

Since you say you have no problem paying for professional advice, I suggest you hire a copywriter to critique it for you.

See, getting a few suggestions here is great. But when you pay a professional copywriter to do the job, he can delve deeper into your product and find out what makes you special, what makes your product unique, etc.

So the suggestions they give will turn out to be a lot of helpful and effective for you.

I'd recommend Vin Montello for this. He has written a lot of copy in this market, so I believe he can lead you in the right direction.

Thanks,
Dean.

Nido · 01-23-2009, 07:22 PM

Mad Dowg,

1. I would get rid of the 2nd pic...the girl with her double D's showing. Even though you want to help men get women...you also wanna be realistic and most men won't think they can get that kind of a girl.

and in its place

2. Headline. I would get rid of "How To Become a Powerfully Attractive Man, and Have Women Literally Beg For Your Body!" and it's place use the line above it where it say meet, attract, and seduce women. It's more powerful and relates to your theme more.

3. No deadline...special bonus for acting fast (first Trillion people get this special bonus..etc)

that's what just pops in my face now. I'm sure I'll find more stuff if I spend more time on it...but don't got the time. Hope this helped

procopywriter · 01-23-2009, 09:33 PM

I did a quick scan... And I agree with Nido. The big headline fails to connect. First, most men who would be attracted to the seduction scene aren't the good-looking types. So the promise of becoming a "powerfully attractive man" and having women "literally beg for you body" just isn't believable.

Write for your ideal buyer: the guy who desperately wants to score big with women, but doesn't think he has a chance (because he's too fat, too skinny, too ugly, too shy, too nerdy, or whatever).

Also... inject a bit more personality into your letter. Be more "casual", and tell some "juicy" stories. You should also get into your story and your struggle earlier in the letter. This is how you connect with the reader.

Study Ross Jeffries' sales letters. (I'm assuming he writes his own copy.) He's a master at writing for this market.

01-22-2009, 05:47 PM	#1
Mad Dawg HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: San Diego, USA Posts: 216 Thanks: 22 Thanked 18 Times in 16 Posts	Serious Copywriters Only Hey all, I'm currently working on tweaking my sales letter to get it converting at a healthy 2-3+%. I am by no means a copy writer, but I feel I have written a decent letter. If a few people could critique it, I would greatly appreciate it. Also, If someone feels they know how to greatly improve my copy, I could definitely pay, either a flat rate USD or by returning IM favors. The sales letter is here How to Seduce Women, How to Attract Women, How to Meet Women Hope to see a few critiques. It really helps to get outside opinions on your writing. Thanks warriors!

01-22-2009, 07:44 PM	#2
dorothydot Selling with Stories War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Southern Maryland Posts: 497 Thanks: 289 Thanked 120 Times in 102 Posts	Re: Serious Copywriters Only Uh, if you dropped the first phrase, I MIGHT take a look. Obviously you're appealling primarily to male copywriters.
	"Sell the Magic of A Dream" www.DP-Copywriting-Service.com

01-22-2009, 07:53 PM	#3
Justin Mandel Trust Establisher War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Long Island, NY. Posts: 2,968 Thanks: 526 Thanked 170 Times in 127 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Serious Copywriters Only Kurt- Your subhead on your header is way too complicated. You need to simplify it to make it more effective or risk losing sales IMHO. Best of luck!
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01-22-2009, 09:45 PM	#4
Mad Dawg HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: San Diego, USA Posts: 216 Thanks: 22 Thanked 18 Times in 16 Posts	Re: Serious Copywriters Only Thanks for the tip justin. I will take a serious look at it. Yea dorothy, probably more of a man's job

01-22-2009, 11:28 PM	#5
Dean Dhuli Copywriter & Marketer War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 426 Thanks: 20 Thanked 37 Times in 31 Posts Contact Info	Re: Serious Copywriters Only Kurt, Since you say you have no problem paying for professional advice, I suggest you hire a copywriter to critique it for you. See, getting a few suggestions here is great. But when you pay a professional copywriter to do the job, he can delve deeper into your product and find out what makes you special, what makes your product unique, etc. So the suggestions they give will turn out to be a lot of helpful and effective for you. I'd recommend Vin Montello for this. He has written a lot of copy in this market, so I believe he can lead you in the right direction. Thanks, Dean.
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01-23-2009, 07:22 PM	#6
Nido Active Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Boston Posts: 32 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 3 Posts Social Networking	Re: Serious Copywriters Only Mad Dowg, 1. I would get rid of the 2nd pic...the girl with her double D's showing. Even though you want to help men get women...you also wanna be realistic and most men won't think they can get that kind of a girl. and in its place 2. Headline. I would get rid of "How To Become a Powerfully Attractive Man, and Have Women Literally Beg For Your Body!" and it's place use the line above it where it say meet, attract, and seduce women. It's more powerful and relates to your theme more. 3. No deadline...special bonus for acting fast (first Trillion people get this special bonus..etc) that's what just pops in my face now. I'm sure I'll find more stuff if I spend more time on it...but don't got the time. Hope this helped
	I dreamed of this and Now it happened: www.SevenFiguresOnline.com

01-23-2009, 09:33 PM	#7
procopywriter Joshua Aaron Stanley Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Redondo Beach, CA Posts: 137 Thanks: 1 Thanked 34 Times in 30 Posts Social Networking	Re: Serious Copywriters Only I did a quick scan... And I agree with Nido. The big headline fails to connect. First, most men who would be attracted to the seduction scene aren't the good-looking types. So the promise of becoming a "powerfully attractive man" and having women "literally beg for you body" just isn't believable. Write for your ideal buyer: the guy who desperately wants to score big with women, but doesn't think he has a chance (because he's too fat, too skinny, too ugly, too shy, too nerdy, or whatever). Also... inject a bit more personality into your letter. Be more "casual", and tell some "juicy" stories. You should also get into your story and your struggle earlier in the letter. This is how you connect with the reader. Study Ross Jeffries' sales letters. (I'm assuming he writes his own copy.) He's a master at writing for this market.
	Joshua Aaron Stanley, The 'Spiritual' Copywriter: Breakthrough Response Rates Without The Hype Free eBook & Blog: Spiritual Copy