thank you all for all your input!

[RevenueRabbi]

thanks to all!

[travlinguy]

The headline is boring. The copy is awkward and unappealing. Sorry, it just is. You mention being a seasoned entrepreneur and coach with experience in many industries. Okay, lay out some specifics and build on them. Presently the copy is loaded with empty promises. This piece needs a lot of work. Good luck!

[TimSchaefer]

The headline is awkward. The lead is weak. The call to action is virtually non-existent.

No proof. No credibility. No specifics about the coaching offered (what do they get and what can they expect from you?).

You need more copy, more salesmanship and a better handle on your market.

Like travlinguy said... it's empty.

[Loren Woirhaye]

You will have to work much harder than you are here to
sell that $79 a month coaching. It's not fair, but it's true -
in fact you'll have to work just as hard to sell the coaching
as you do to sell your $1500 info product.

Specificity has been addressed.

You need to really offer and ADVANTAGE to your prospect
he can get his mind around (or she).

Marshall all your best arguments. Write a lot. Then edit out
what doesn't fit.

[Easy Cash]

Hit the emotions of the reader/business owner. If you have owned a small business you will know it is tough. Maybe something like this:


"How To Double Your Business Profits With Less Effort From You."


Dear Friend,

I know what it feels like to put in hours of work for little reward. etc etc......

[RevenueRabbi]

Thanks for all the great suggestions....

will work on and improve... and post back!

[RevenueRabbi]

edited first post to contain latest changes!

[Loren Woirhaye]

You seriously just need to go and get some copywriting
books by Herschell Gordon Lewis, and read them.

He's not a copywriting teacher IM people talk about
a lot - they prefer to lionize John Carlton and Gary
Halbert, et al. - But Lewis creates rules for writing
copy that prevent the credibility train-wreck you have
here.

Direct Mail Copy That Sells is about $4.oo used and it
deals explicitly with the problems you have here.

[RedPhoenix]

Your headline just sucks. "Business Critique .." What exciting major benefit will your customers be getting? ... What can they expect the critique to do for their business?

The copy that follows is awkward and contains far too many "I"s - its egocentric. Copy that sells well is always centered on the reader. If you do decide to re-write your WSO then bear in mind that your market will be your fellow warriors - many of which are street smart. If you would like a free book on copywriting just PM me and I shall provide you with a download link. (don't worry no sign up or hidden catch - just 1 warrior assisting another)

All the best

Mike

[MrCopy]

You need to go back and refocus on your target. Is it online business owner?

The headline is still way too weak, no compelling benefit and not interesting.

Then you dive into your credentials, I don't care yet. Answer your customer's question - "What's in it for me." Not just in buying your product, but also to even read the rest of the copy.

What emotional benefit are you trying to put forth, I see no emotion here.

The business critique is just a thing, not a benefit. What's the critique going to give me as a business owner?

The bonuses are not compelling and #3 is not a bonus.

I could go on, but I'd have to start billing you.

[Dana Goetz]

I would start a headline swipe file. Take a close look at this sales letter. Get Money From Google This one seems to be doing very well. You can learn a lot by just watching what the top marketers put out. Hope that helps ya. Dana