Please review my sales letter(Traffic Related)[REDONE PART 2]

[Dennis Cheesman]

Hi Warriors,

Can you please look over my sales letter and give me your thoughts?

It was written by Sherice from here on the forum She is awesome...

Here is the site:
Traffic Association!

I really appreciate any help as I want this site to convert really well

Best regards,
Dennis

[procopywriter]

Overall, nice job. All the elements are there.

I have a few "nitpicky" suggestions to improve on this. One of them has to do with flow. As you read copy, it should be EXTREMELY EASY to continue reading. There should be no awkward, wordy sentences to give the reader pause. Every sentence should flow effortlessly into the next.

It takes even a highly polished writer multiple editing passes and time to "rest" to get their copy to this point, so perhaps Sherice can forgive the criticism.

I'll point out some specifics in the headline. The first big headline is awkward. No one wants "traffic generation" or "social media exposure". They just want traffic. In fact, I'd cut out the entire first headline.

In the second headline, I might "spice it up" a bit more with this: “Discover The Secret Formula I Use Everyday To Get Top 10 Listings In Google And Send My Traffic Through the Roof.”

Notice the benefit--getting more traffic--is last in the headline for more impact. It's also in present-tense, adding more immediacy.

In the 3rd headline, there is the phrase "copy my effort", which is awkward and makes it sound like work even though the next phrase says otherwise. I'd avoid the word "effort" altogether.

Try this: "And... How You Can Get The Same Results With 98% Of the Work Done FOR YOU!"

It's essentially the same headline--just "cleaned up" and trimmed down.

Try doing an A/B split test and let me know what happens.

[procopywriter]

Just noticed there are no testimonials since this is a new launch. When that's the case, it's a good idea to "introduce" the program and make it clear in the copy that it's a brand new program.

You'll also want to place a limit on how many can join to add a bit more urgency. Would you be happy with 1000 members? Then place a limit at 1000 and stick to it. I just did a sales letter for a similar program that's limited to 1000 members.

Good luck with this!

Aaron

[travlinguy]

I don't buy the problem you present. In other words, you're trying to push the fear button by saying that certain practices will get you penalized and blacklisted, though you're not specific in what these methods are. Frankly, I'm tired of this approach because so much of the conventional wisdom is dead wrong.

For example, one big perceived no-no is multiple submissions of the same article. Experts claim an article must be re-written each time before submitting to multiple directories. That isn't true - not even close. I recently submitted the same three articles to multiple directories and within four days have placed on page one, two, three and four of Google for a fairly common string of keywords.

My point is, if you're going to use such an argument maybe you need to be more specific about the taboos that will cause you trouble and what your alternative solution is. Your copy is written from a very generic standpoint. I think you need more specifics. And it’s not difficult to speak in specifics without giving away the actual strategy.

With that said, the copy isn't very compelling to me. I'm always looking for new ways to drive traffic and I would have stopped reading after you presented the 'problem' had this not been a critique request. There are also a lot of minor, yet noticeable punctuation issues. If these were fixed the text would flow better. Overall, this copy didn’t move me at all.

[Orion777]

In essence, I agree with the others above, you need to work on your flow. My detailed comments herein below:

I read the sales page as if I were a buyer. And quite frankly, it lost me. I was not sure what you were really selling. I had to re-read to pinpoint it. A sales page should state the problem, your solution, the benefits, and the features. Most people want to know what they are buying and how it benefits them. I got lost hunting for the benefits and trying to make sure I comprehended them correctly. I also had to hunt and peck to find exactly what it was that I was buying. [ From a graphics point of view, I thought the top banner was a little lame, but the rest of the copy and colors and layout were just fine. ]

Hope this helps. Good luck!

[Dennis Cheesman]

Hello,

Thanks for the comments.. I let Sherice know I postd here for a review so hopefully she can get some ideas from the comments..

Keep em coming..

Dennis

[ecoverartist]

Thanks guys for all your feedback!

One of the things I saw re: copy my effort - yeah, it does sound like a lot of work when you put it that way. But I didn't want to throw the wrong impression by saying "steal my secrets" or something like that. Words like steal, tricks, etc. almost sound underhanded. Or is it just me that thinks so?

One of the things that was difficult to write about the sales letter was to try and touch on EVERYTHING Dennis' site has. It's really massive but very straightforward. I didn't want to take all day talking about each little piece of it but didn't want to say "You'll get traffic out the ears!" kind of stuff either.

Any thoughts?

[Dennis Cheesman]

Hi Sherice,

Thanks for popping in I sent you an email or two

Dennis

[Dennis Cheesman]

How's this for the headlines:


Urgent Message To Anyone Struggling To Get More Traffic And Higher Rankings:

"Discover The Secret Formula I Use Everyday To Get Quality One-Way Links That Catapults My Sites To A Top 10 Listing In Google While Sending My Traffic Literally Through The Roof"

"And... How You Can Get The Same Results With 98% Of the Work Done FOR YOU!"

I Know That's a BOLD Claim... But I Stand Behind Every Word Of It And BEG You To Prove Me Wrong!

Dear Fellow Internet Marketer,



Dennis

[ecoverartist]

Even more commited --

"I Know That's a BOLD Claim - But I Stand Behind Every Word of It and You'll Agree - or You Pay Nothing!

That's a "can't lose" guarantee I'll answer the other points in your email Dennis. Thanks!

[Dennis Cheesman]

Yes.. much better, I changed the headlines now I think it sound good now?

Dennis

[Dennis Cheesman]

Ok, Sherice made some changes, can someone please look it over again and give me your thoughts?

Best regards,
Dennis

[Kevin Rogers]

Hey Guys,

Headline still needs work. You're laying it all on the line, there's no reason to read on.

If you were to keep it, which I don't recommend, it should be "every day" not "everyday" which means "common". And when you say "the secret formula I use", who are you to the reader?

If they know you well, then put your name at the top of the header so they know it's you... if they don't, put your signature at the end of the quote with a short description, like - Dennis Cheesman, Internet Millionaire Bad-Ass.

Hope that helps.

Kevin

[Dennis Cheesman]

Hello again,

Kevin, thanks for the comment

She redid the headline again:
Traffic Association!

Any tips or advice is greatly apprciated.

Dennis

[Collette]

Edit, edit, edit.

I scanned (which is what many of your prospects will do) and...

The headline still isn't working for you. Or more to the point, for ME (as the prospect)

As a prospect, I don't care about ANY of this:

"Dramatically Increase Your Search

Engine Rankings in Google, Yahoo

and MSN

(Feature, Feature, Feature) While EXPLODING Your

Social Networking Authority! (Feature) "

"Proven Traffic System is 100% GUARANTEED

to Increase Your Backlinks, Social Traffic

and Help Catapult Your Site into the Top 10 Rankings (all Features) - You'll Agree, or You Pay Nothing! (You have to make me care first, or I'm not paying you anything anyway)"

Nothing here to stir the juices. Nothing here that passes the "so what" test. What's increasing my SERPs gonna do for me? Get me more traffic? Slash my advertising costs? Make me the go-to site for prospects? Be specific about the benefits you're bringing to the table.

Same thing with being a "Social Networking Authority" Who cares? What is being a "social networking authority" going to do for me? How does it make me happier, wealthier, smarter, whatever?

Bottom line: How is my life gonna change if I stick around for what you have to say? Or how will it change if I don't?

This is MUCH more interesting:

ONLY Membership of
its Kind that Gives You Direct Access to
PROVEN Traffic Building Programs that
Practically Do All the Work For You!

Something that makes my life easier is always interesting. Unfortunately, this promise is below the fold. And now you'll have to show me why it's "the ONLY Membership of it's kind". And how that will work to my advantage.

Follow that up with how YOUR program "practically" (NOTE: weasel word. Does it or doesn't it? Don't make me ask my hairdresser) does all the work for me.

For every feature you cite, make sure you clearly convey the benefit of that feature.

Also, too many generalities in the copy. Punch it up. Have some conviction. Get more traffic today? What doesn that mean? 24 hours from now? 24 hours from when I download? From when I put your methods into play? How long does it take me to go through your stuff and get going? What if I have no articles ready to go? Can I still get everything you promise TODAY?

Also need to strengthen the credibility elements. Who, exactly, are YOU? And why are YOU an authority I should listen to? Are these screenshot sites YOUR sites, or the sites of your clients? (Either way works, but you only make some vague reference to "results I've gotten".)

And check your copy for typos. Possessive "it" does not take an apostrophe. "It's" is a contraction of "It is". "Its" is the possessive for "It has" (something).

There were others. Read the copy backwards from the bottom up for the final editing. You'll be surprised at what will jump out at you.

[Justin Mandel]

Dennis - I did not read your copy, but it is too squished in at the subheads and it jams everything up on the eyes.

Give a little space above and below the subheads to let the copy breathe in order to make it easier to read.

[ecoverartist]

Hey Collette,

Thanks for your feedback! I really appreciate it. I'm definitely going to have to read the copy backwards to catch the grammar stuff. I'm as much of a stickler on that as any high school English teacher

My dilemma is this: There is SO much that Traffic Association does, and I want to do everything I can through words alone to tickle that trigger finger and get you insanely curious about it, enough to want to try it. I realize curiosity alone won't do it but I do want the writing to attract those impulse buyers.

It's almost so well done that I want to say "you've got to try it to believe it".

Back to the drawing board!

[Dennis Cheesman]

Hi Collette,

WOW.. thanks for the honest feed back


Hi Justin, I made the space above and below the subheads a little bigger - thanks for that


Thanks Sherice for your work and dedication to make it awesome

Dennis

[Kyle Tully]

Originally Posted by ecoverartist

My dilemma is this: There is SO much that Traffic Association does, and I want to do everything I can through words alone to tickle that trigger finger and get you insanely curious about it, enough to want to try it. I realize curiosity alone won't do it but I do want the writing to attract those impulse buyers.

The main problem I see is you're focusing too much on what it is and not enough on what it can do for me.

As Collette said, lots of features and no benefits.

Sure, there's a lot to the site... but what's the bottom line? More traffic? Sales? Profits? Something else? That's what you've got to sell.

Originally Posted by ecoverartist

It's almost so well done that I want to say "you've got to try it to believe it".

If that's really the case, and the product is SO strong that anyone who tries it will sign up, then your best bet is to forget messing with the copy -- it's the OFFER you need to work on.

Get a free trial period happening... or a $1 trial... or a limited trial... anything to get them in the door and see for themselves why they need it.

The offer is SO much more important than the copy.

[Collette]

What Kyle said, plus:

You don't have to tell EVERYTHING. What's the biggest benefit this membership offers? How does that benefit change my life? That's what you lead with.

The rest - think of those as the 'bonus features'.

When you try to give everything equal prominence, nothing stands out. The end effect is to make the entire landscape flat. And flat is boring.

Dig, dig, dig. Every feature has a practical benefit and an emotional benefit. People buy on emotion. They justify the purchase with logic (features). This applies even if you're selling software or circular saws or something that you wouldn't begin to believe has an emotional connotation.

Humans are not logical. They like to THINK they're logical. But that's because believing they're logical makes them feel good about the choices they make.

[Dennis Cheesman]

Wow Kyle and Collette thanks for sharing so much great information!

Sherice is taking it all in

I REALLY appreciate all your time and help!

Best regards,
Dennis

[ecoverartist]

I'm gonna tack Collette's last line up on my monitor so I'll remember it. That hit the nail on the head right there!

*soaking all the info up like a big sponge*

[Dennis Cheesman]

Ok, here is the new version...

Please let me know your honest opinions on what you think!

Traffic Association!

Dennis

[MaskedMarketer]

Originally Posted by Kyle Tully

Get a free trial period happening... or a $1 trial... or a limited trial... anything to get them in the door and see for themselves why they need it.

The offer is SO much more important than the copy.

I agree with Kyle.

The product has a 60 day guarantee. That's great.

But why not also add more risk reversals like a trial period for 1$ for 7 days or something similar?

Like Kyle said...

The offer is more important than the copy for your business growth

[Dennis Cheesman]

I added a new headline and subheadline and a little more to the salesletter.

Please have a look now and let me know your thoughts..

Dennis