[copywriting noob]...WILL THIS CONVERT?

Firstly, you need to go through and fix the various spelling, grammar and punctuation errors...or if you can't do that, I am a proofreader and can do it for you.

Secondly, I think the testimonials look too neat. They almost look like you have made them up (not saying you have but the layout seems that way).

Thirdly, you're saying a former....person but you don't mention a name so you don't have credibility there.

I am not a WSO expert but those 3 things alone really need to be fixed before you go for it.

Seconded on the grammar, spelling and punctuation errors. Try to make the letter a little more informal, speak to your audience without speaking down to them. The subtitle is a little off putting for me, try:

Stop Trying To Get Noticed, Learn These 10 EASY Secrets To Put The Spotlight On Your Music Career!

No more CHASING a record deal to succeed!
Quit TRYING to get people to listen to your music!
Start building your music career the SMART way!

Just remember, you want to highlight the benefits and ignite that greed gland with each sentence. Little tweaks can make your copy golden, keep working on it

I know something about this niche. I'm working with a top Music Producer at the moment. He's worked with AC/DC, Bob Dylan, The Beach Boys, Lenny Kravitz, Ray Charles, INXS, KISS ecetera ecetera. So he has...CREDIBILITY - which is one thing your offer lacks. You say "A former record label owner". Means nothing if you can't reveal who it is and if he has any credence in the business. The headline is half-baked and it just goes downhill from there.

Uh huh. Care to check the spelling and grammar in your own post?

It's about as vanilla as it can get. The headline is awful. I guess you're Ian but since you're not known in the industry get your name out of the headline along with the word "oh." Then get a new headline.

The testimonials are sterile, boring, generic. And don't stack them all in one box, isolate them individually and place them throughout the copy. Get the text up top and the bullets left justified. They're centered now and that looks hideous.

Another thing is you have a bunch of big named label logos in one of your bonus boxes. This kinda implies you can hook people up with them. Any one of those labels could take issue with you. I'd get them out of there.

Overall, this page lacks credibility in a big way. I don't know what you can do to get it other than get a known artist, producer or label owner to endorse your guide or whatever you're calling it.

Oh, that's another thing. If you can do what you promise your product should be selling for a lot more. The only thing you've got going is the page is neat and looks decent. I think this is your second try as I seem to remember looking at something like his in the past. If you're the same guy, this one is better but still very far off the mark.

Will this convert? Not likely. Good luck.

Hey noob,

Remember first and foremost that your target cares nothing about you. Part of human behavior comprises of our ego-centric desires. So, when you write your copy, it's got to be like a personal entertainment piece for your ideal representative of your target market.

Your sales letter has to be all about what interests the prospect. So, by writing like the ideal prospect thinks, you write compelling copy.

If your currently vanilla sales letter is to grab your ideal prospect's attention, it must be written as if the ideal prospect wrote it him or herself. That means using phrases, terms, words, concepts the prospect would use.

Your copy currently aims to solve virtually any musician's desire for success. However, doing things generically makes you look invisible. Do something to stand out and get noticed. Maybe doing this exercise will help you.

Imagine that an acoustical guitar player wants to make it big in folk music. Suppose you've made him your target.

What do you know about this ideal prospect? He/She wants to 'make it big' in folk music. He/She plays an acoustical guitar. He/She plays guitar music. He/She imagines that stardom is important.

Okay, reviewing these few ideas (just as an example), create a story starring a person who represents a typical acoustical guitar player. Remember, keep in mind Dan Kennedy's PAS formula. (Pain Agitate Solution.)

Start your sales letter with the pain. There can be many. One is that the acoustical guitar player feels a void being without the access to stardom. So, you could start with that at the beginning.

Agitate what the prospect craves to have but is without and then provide your Solution (your product). Directing your prospect to the order page after first having built a relationship with your target in your copy. Here's a beginning copy sample where you, the copywriter, paint a vivid PAS picture.

"Imagine putting yourself in this scene...

You're standing at the back door of the concert hall. A big burly body guard flings open the back stage door. Out walks your music idol...James Taylor.

The world loves James Taylor's tunes. And so do you.

Your heart starts to beat faster. You enthusiastically picture getting his autograph. You paint a broad smile on your face as he walks by you and into his waiting limousine. If only that were you...

But hey, you write songs from the heart just like James. Women swoon and scream with wild abandon just like in Frank Sinatra's day when they hear your love ballads. You do have the talent...your adoring audience confirms that.

Wouldn't it be great if you could be as well known as James Taylor? Well, now you can."

This is the start of painting a vivid picture to engage. Review what I wrote and give it a whirl! I'm sure you can do it!
Susan

not entirely a copywriting guru, but you should highlight, bold, and make your price stand out. Some potential readers will scroll to find out what your price is first, even before they start reading your copy from the top. hope this helps

Never mind the fancy stuff, although there's some
good suggestions above.

Your main problem is that your offer isn't compelling.

$17 isn't a compelling offer. It says 'expensive', for
an e-book, and 'cheap' for inside information. People
in this business know how much it costs to hire
a real 'plugger'!

So what about the bonuses?

"We'll do some online marketing for your latest
Single or Mixtape. All free of charge."

Yeah right! What is your definition of 'some'?
Weak! Weak! Weak! Be specific!

"We'll submit 1 of your demos DIRECTLY to some
of the most successful record labels."

How? By sending an e-mail attachment?
Why are you not being specific?

Come on, the bonuses look worthless.

Personally I think you would do better to simply
upload your book to Kindle, with appropriate
keywords, and tighter copy.

You'll probably sell a few, especially with a price
point lower than ten bucks! Add some contact
information to the index and you may get some
enquiries from people keen to succeed in the music
industry.

Heaven help you if you can't deliver!

Stephen

Ah, I dunno, for a first time I guess I don't think it's so bad. I'm no 'copywriting' expert but I am a writing expert, so take it for what it's worth.

Anywho, little things that got me:

-The "Oh" in your headline. What is that doing there? Is that "on"? Also in the headline, who is Ian Clifford? Give him a fancy title.

-That first paragraph under 'Dear Motivated Artist' bores me. It's formal and the language is just too fancy. Make it a little more personal, energetic, emotional right there.

-The Bonuses. I think this is speaking too much of the "IM" language, and not enough the language of your target audience. I would probably not even call it a 'bonus', just a part of what you are giving them. I would also put #2 - contact with major labels - ahead of #1, as I think they'd want #2 way more. I'd make it a bigger deal, probably.

-Pictures of folks (rock lookin folks) with the testimonials? That's a strong point here, maybe make it play even more for you. A photo, a band name underneath could go a long way.

Okay, that's all I've got. I think if I were you I'd just give it an overall edit (based on feedback you're getting here), then let it sit a couple days, then edit again. Do that a couple times and I think you're on your way. Good luck!

There are some good tips above which I agree with so I am not going to rehash them here. But here are a few of my thoughts...

In my option, simply removing the "Ian Clifford Tells All Oh" from the headline would be a step in the right direction.

And saying "Honest Testimonials" actually plants in the readers mind that they may be dishonest because you are trying so hard to point out they are honest.

Your bonuses are to vague. For example... "We'll do some online marketing for your latest Single or Mixtape. All free of charge." - How much marketing? Where?