Please Critique MySales Copy

[gaptel]

Hi Warriors,

Can you please look over my sales letter and give me your thoughts?


Here is the site:
101TipsForImmigrantParents dot com
Tips For Immigrant Parents

I really appreciate any help as I want this site to convert really well

Best regards,
Soji

[MrCopy]

Just a quick critique. I'm a headline specialist, so I'll focus there. You also need to redesign your page, I'd recommend putting testimonials along the right side of the page.:

Your headline:
Do You Know That If You Do Not Act NOW You May Be Culturally Losing Your English Speaking Immigrant or Foreign Born Kids In A Hurry ?

Ok - the language here is a little awkward, but I can kind of see where you're going. You're playing on immigrant parents' fear that their kids grow up not speaking their language, and you're trying to build urgency.

I assume that you know your target market and that this is a real fear that would prompt them to action.

A quick clean up might be:

Warning: Every day your English speaking kids are losing more of their culture.

This is still probably not strong enough, but it's tighter and more to the point.

I might then follow with a sub-head something along the lines of:

Now: The Information You Need to Get Your English Speaking Child To Understand and Speak Your Heritage Language In Only a Few Short Days

I would also highly recommend testing multiple headlines, at least do an A/B split with the headline.

Hope that helps.

[gaptel]

nucb8,
You mentioned that I redesign my page...the whole thing ..which aspect...i will appreciate your input
Soji

[MrCopy]

The design reads a bit choppy and comes across as messy,

The first thing I'd do is get rid of the border around the cover and the subhead and move them closer to the headline.

The next thing I would do is focus on a more consistent design. You use a lot of colors, font sizes, different amounts of white space between elements, colored borders, different style bullets etc. I would reduce the number of variations in these elements.

I think consistent white space will help a readers eye through the page.

Hope that helps.

[gaptel]

nucb8,
Thanks a lot I really appreciate this invaluable help. I will look for a professional site builder that can work with xsitepro to help polish the design so that I can import it into my xsitepro.
Soji

[Bruce NewMedia]

Soji, I assume this product is designed to appeal to an immigrant family who are concerned about their children losing their cultural identity, right?

If so, its hard to even begin to understand what EXACTLY the product is??
Is it a LANGUAGE COURSE?... is it just tips on how to retain symbols and practices of someone's native country?

I noticed one bullet point said something about 'how to start a language school?'
Also, Is this specifically for speakers of the Yoruba language, only?

In general the sales copy often reads like pages out of a textbook on culture/languages. For instance, you have 4 testimonials and quotes (all italized in boxes) about heritage language and an ORDER BUTTON, before you even begin the sales letter.

AND, you repeat the same testimonial again on the bottom of the letter.

You ought to pick up a sales letter copywriting book like Dan Kennedy's " The Ultimate Sales Letter". It's only $10 or so and would help you structure this letter and get back on track.
_____
Bruce

[gaptel]

brucerby,

Thanks a lot.

Soji