Tell Me How To Improve This Salesletter And Get a Free Membership!

[Dennis Cheesman]

Hey warriors,

I have a new membership site and I need to improve the copy...

So any help will be greatly appreciated and I will pick or let the warrior members pick who gave the best advice 2 people that is and I will give them a lifetime free membership..

Here is the site:
Social Traffic Training Video Vault Membership

Best regards,
Dennis Cheesman

[Kyle Tully]

Hey Dennis

Your headline is always a good place to start if you want to boost conversions. Let's take a look at yours.

"Here's Your *Only Chance* To Get This Complete Collection Of High Quality Training Videos That'll Teach You How To Instantly Suck Traffic From The Top Social Networking Sites 24-7 And Rake In Huge Profits For You Day In And Out, In Record Speed!"

OK... I don't want training videos or have to learn anything, so you can get rid of "Here's Your *Only Chance* To Get This Complete Collection Of High Quality Training Videos That'll Teach You".

That will instantly improve your headline.

The rest of your headline is pretty standard... you're saying the exact same thing everyone else is. You've got to find your hook. What's different about your product... something that matters to your prospect?

Have you got actual results you can use? Traffic stats from the results of implementing what you teach? Get specific.

Sucking traffic from social networking sites might have been a killer headline 2 years ago but the market has moved on. You need a hook.

Imagine Getting "Resell Rights" to 33 High Quality Training
Videos Now And 3 Every Month For Less Than Dinner For Two!

OK now you've changed tack and have me imagining resell rights -- frankly it's not the best thing I've ever imagined. And it doesn't flow from the main headline. You're trying to sell two things at once... learning from the videos and selling them yourself... it's also confusing... how many do I get? How often? How much is a dinner for two?

This Will Only Be Made Available To A Select Few Members That Act Quickly Before This Offer Is Completely Gone Forever...(Actually ONLY 200 Members)

Frankly I don't believe you... just sounds like hype without any reason why.

Bottom line: the main problem is a lack of hook and purpose. It's just words on a page... words we've all heard before.

[Dennis Cheesman]

Hello Kyle,

I made a few changes.. thanks for your comments..

Dennis

[JoseArmando]

Hey Dennis, I've read several case studies about sales letters and it's been shown that longer and more detailed letters in most cases convert better then the shorter versions.

Why?

If you look at it from your perspective you think: "Well who wants to read long letters! People will get annoyed by it and they'll leave!"

But if you look from the customers perspective it's more like: "I want to read as much about this as I can. I don't want to get screwed again. Give me more info about this product you are offering me."

See, your customers want to know EXACTLY what are they getting. The more the bullet points the better. You want to have as many triggers as possible.

Of course, you'll want to test both versions. The long one and the short one because sometimes shorter sales letters convert better but you can't know until you try it out.

Good luck

[Chipt]

Great comments, Kyle...

Dennis, as Kyle so aptly said -- you need a hook... and in addition, consider that you also need an 'angle'...

... and differentiation...

... and consistency, flow, well-detailed purpose, and an interesting journey in your message...

... and you have to have a REALLY good reason precisely why your offer is new, fresh, and different, and NOT just another "me, too -- been there done that -- got the t-shrt -- ho hum -- good-bye" situation.

People rant and rave these days about membership sites being the golden goose... and they can be.

Getting people into yours is one thing.

Keeping them in it is another.

Chip Tarver

[Rayleigh]

This is the help i'll give.
Ted Nicholas, Marketing Tips, copywriting tips, direct marketing, starting a small business
A pop up will appear which will ask you to subscribe to his free ebook called "87 Marketing Secrets of the Written word".
Download and Read.

[csstanton]

Spell check:

Goggle Video --> Google Video

[Justin Mandel]

Hi Dennis,

I hope this helps...

1) Your headline and sub-head needs some minor modifications to improve it.

"How To Get The Resell Rights To 33
High Quality Traffic Training Videos Today And 3 More Each And Every Month At
An Unbelievable Discount!"

would be better if it spoke to the person:

"Discover How You Can Get The Resell Rights To 33
High Quality Traffic Training Videos Today - And 3 More Each And Every Month At
An Unbelievable Discount!"

would better like this:

Read On To Take Advantage...This Will *Never* be Offered Ever Again & There's *Only* A Very Limited Quantity Still Left!


2) With all these websites make sure you put the logos to help grab instant attention. Logo recognition is better then just having the names there alone:

BlinkList Del.icio.us Bebo
Furl Digg Myspace TV
Myspace Kaboodle Goggle Video
Technorati Twitter Yahoo Answers
YouTube Yahoo MyWebs Stumble Upon
Simpy Reddit Squidoo

3) Make sure a Guarantee certificate or seal is included with the guarantee. It helps break up the page and gives added reassurance

4) To keep things simple make sure all sub-heads are the same color so you don't confuse the reader - you have black and red sub-heads mixed together.

[Dennis Cheesman]

I made the changes you recommended I will see about getting the logos for the social sites..

Dennis

[gcjmarkets]

Hi Dennis just finished reading your sales letter and I agree with everyone else you only have 3 Seconds to grab your prospects attention and your headline just doesnt do it. I didn't realize you were talking about social network traffic until I saw your list of the videos.

You did not answer the most important question "Whats In it for Me" besides resale rights to 33 videos.

How does getting traffic from social networks help my online business, is it targeted traffic, are the prospects more likely to buy etc..

If you would like some more help I have video training on writing effective sales letters at
Into Profits Club you can join for free no upsales or anything else

[VegasVince]

Hey Bro....

Scrap the entire copy...start over.....and rethink what it is you're really selling. And ask yourself why people need this? Why people buy anything?..... And then rewrite from there.

Because as it stand now....this offer is not going to sell. At best, it's a bonus item freebie in it's current state.

You don't need to revamp your copy at this point.....you need to start over.

You need to establish your OFFER/USP...which is non-existant in the current copy I read.

Without that...all the twisting and bending in terms of your copy wont mean ****...cuz no one will be compelled or motivated to take action.....and bang their credit card et al....because no one is going to care.

You didn't motivate them. You didn't sell them. You didn't give them one compelling reason to buy this.

Your current sales page as it stands now....? You'll be lucky to give this away for free!

Maybe just maybe...you could sell this as a 7 dollar lead generator....for something else...but that's pushing it.

Here's why....

YOUR PRODUCT APPEARS TO BE 33 VIDEOS AND YET NOT ONCE IN YOUR ENTIRE AD....DO YOU TELL ME WHAT THESE VIDEOS ARE ALL ABOUT...MUCH LESS WHY THEY WILL MAKE ME MONEY.

NOT ONCE!!!!

Why are these videos going to make me money? Bullets...each one...tell me@! You don't.

Why are these videos so exclusive...all 33 of them...that I'm going to be in the dark ages if I don't take action now????

You didn't tell me. Etc Etc.


Do you think that the sheer VOLUME of information is going to persuade someone to buy something?

And the fact you're bundling 33 videos together.......actually DEVALUES them anyway. It comes across as a fire sale, bro. Firesales are a dime a dozen....

You're killing off one of the greatest motivations a buyer has to buy......scarcity.....and exclusivity.

You are destroying that via this copy, your firesale approach, and non-existant offer.

You'd be better off...focusing on ONE HARD TO FIND, EXCLUSIVE, LIFE CHANGING VIDEO......EACH MONTH OF THE MEMBERSHIP.....and offering the other 32 as a bonus for those who order today!

Because people can believe in one video they might have missed...or something new and revolutionary..but aint nobody gonna believe that they absolutely, positively need all of these...and you don't even mention what they are anyway...OR ANY BENEFITS OF ANY ONE OF THESE 33 VIDEOS.

note:

Look you're one of my Warrior Friends...so you are a brave soul to begin with. LOL.

I don't like doing critiques for free...on this forum.... in any detail--- because I have clients that pay me very good money for giving them far less then I just gave your for free.

So don't be a knuckle head! I realize you'se Texans are hard headed....but I don't like to see anyone lose money needlessly....and this is a loser, bro. But it's easily saved...if you tweak it.

1. Create a real OFFER....and REFLECT THAT OFFER IN YOUR HEADLINE!

Jaime Mintun and Rachel Rofe are two female warriors who sell a great product on promoting IM seminars to offline biz's.

Their headline is HOW TO MAKE 10 K IN A WEEKEND.....which is a hell of a lot better then.... HOW TO PROMOTE IM SEMINARS.." Capiche?

2. Your current headline...is at best a subheadline...it sure as hell aint no headline...I'd ever use.

3. Exclusivity....scarcity..create it..cuz without that, you can't motivate them to buy.

4. Each month your membership will deliver ONE EXCLUSIVE LIFE CHANGING VIDEO THAT THE IM WORLD HASN'T EVEN HEARD OF YET ETC ETC..... that the IM world awaits! And while you're waiting for it...feel free to browse our other 32 free videos!

(Yep....I'd give them other 32 videos away for free, bro....as a bonus for those who join the monthly site.)

Make your list friggin' salivate over next month's video--- coming on the first of the month...etc.

Take care, brother....I wish you the greatest success for real.

xxx Vegas Vince

[Dennis Cheesman]

Hello Vince,

Thanks for sugar coating it

No.. really I appreciate the honesty and the help you just gave me, I am strong and can handle the truth.. I knew it sucked but some people(me) aren't cut out to be copywriters...

Well, back to the drawing board.. Again, I appreciate you help and honesty..

Dennis

[VegasVince]

Originally Posted by Dennis Cheesman

Hello Vince,

Thanks for sugar coating it

No.. really I appreciate the honesty and the help you just gave me, I am strong and can handle the truth.. I knew it sucked but some people(me) aren't cut out to be copywriters...

Well, back to the drawing board.. Again, I appreciate you help and honesty..

Dennis

Dennis...your copywriting is better then you think...and you can write the copy yourself. Hell, your copywriting is better then a lot of copywriters I know...... for real.

Your offer just sucked. LOL. And good copywriting can't save a lousy offer. And why bother?

The problem with most "copywriters" is the fact they can't market ****.

They don't start off from the foundation--- that you have to sell **** people want. They are only concerned with layouts and words. None of that matters if you're selling drivel.


Just repackage what it is you're selling FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF YOUR BUYER......and present it in a way that's a little more exclusive, scare, and in doing so...you'll increase the perceived value of it...you'll sell it easier...and at a higher price, too.

Create a good offer and the copy will be the easy part. I promise.

xxx Vegas Vince

[MikeHumphreys]

Originally Posted by VegasVince

Your offer just sucked. LOL. And good copywriting can't save a lousy offer. And why bother?

The problem with most "copywriters" is the fact they can't market ****.

They don't start off from the foundation--- that you have to sell **** people want. They are only concerned with layouts and words. None of that matters if you're selling drivel.

Vince, good point but I'll point something out that you missed.

Keep in mind that most copywriters don't have the final say on the offer. It's not their product -- they are the hired gun as far as the client is concerned.

Plenty of times, I've recommended to a client that they change the offer.

Those that have listened frequently make more money than they were expecting. Those that don't... blame the copy or the market when the offer bombs.

If the offer is a pig then putting lipstick, a dress, and heels isn't going to change it into a movie star. It's still a pig.

Take care,

Mike

[MikeHumphreys]

Dennis,

Didn't mean to derail your thread. My apologies for that but I needed to correct a major misconception about copywriters.

I'd consider rewriting the copy if I were you. For starters, the sales letter starts hard selling the reader BEFORE you've established why they need your site.

You haven't established that they have a problem. Case in point: Just by skimming your sales letter, I couldn't find where you told me -- as the reader -- why social networks are important or how they can help my own sites.

As for 33 videos... how about a demo video on the sales letter? Or part of one video if they are real long?

Dear Friend is a bad opening... it's impersonal. Unless I went to your sent from your mailing list or know you personally, it doesn't ring true. No offense but I don't know you well enough to consider you a friend.

Use something targeted instead like: Dear Fellow Internet Marketer,

All of your headlines... I'd drop the font size down to closer to 17-19 pts. Right now they look like they are in the range of 22-27 pts.

Hope that helps,

Mike

[ndcole78]

I second everything that Mike just said. I would leave more details, but Mike pretty much said it all---especially the point about having some kind of video on your site since you're offering video training. A rewrite, along with the video would be your best option in my opinion.

[CopyMonster]

Dennis,

I'd rethink the whole angle/positioning. Your copy is not bad. But most people/IM's aren't interested in 33 traffic videos. They want to... MAKE MONEY first and foremost!

If you lead with the traffic videos proposition, most wouldn't get past the headline. Resale rights are not sexy and with $0.99 resell right items flooded across the net have lower perceived value. The only time IMHO that resale rights command real value is when its an established product by a known entity eg. resale rights to Dan Kennedy's Magnetic Marketing program.

My suggestion would be to go direct to the heart of the matter... yes, hit em square between the eyes and offer "Wondering how you can net a boat load of cash from the internet - so easily, it's like shooting fish in a barrel?" then go on to amp the pain of coming up with great product ideas and having to then put them together then transition to making the argument that traffic is one of the big keys to success in online marketing and how people ALWAYS want to know how to get more traffic (ie. easy sell). Well, you have the solution they can get right now and make 100% from. Emphasize the strictly limited availability.

Another great proof element would be a "test/case study" - do a limited test campaign where you offer these up for sale and then tell readers your results from this limited test. Be sure to tell them what you did and what you made eg. I sold 6 sets of these for $97 in just half a day - so yes, they're popular and importantly PROFITABLE! Build on this... get them to imagine the money, the constant flow of *sales* emails. Let them work themselves into a frenzy, frantic to click that buy button!

Your solution is the 33 videos etc. The problem is not acquiring resale rights, it's how to make the next buck and with as little hassle, effort as possible. I think if you rejig your salesletter from this angle, it would generate a lot more interest and sales.

Best of luck!

[Dennis Cheesman]

Thanks for all the comments.. I am redoing it

I will show you the final results when completed..

[OnlineMasterMind]

I think Vince just claimed one spot... No doubt - the offer is too blurry.

How about "Free Traffic"??

You have "free" in the link in your post but I didn't see it anywhere in the copy above the fold.

And as Kyle said this really isn't that new but I'd still try to MAKE IT NEW, better yet *breakthrough*... i.e you have "cracked the code" to generating MASSIVE traffic for free off ALL of the major social networking sites.

Actually I don't know of any products that teach how to generate serious free traffic from ALL of the social network sites you mention, so maybe it is new Regardless, that's the hook I'd go for.

I'd also come up with a better name (and domain); something that reflects your offer (i.e massive traffic from social network sites)

Do you have any specific numbers of how much traffic someone can expect to *get* using this *system*? If so, I'd put those in the headline or sub head.

Then I'd take that and start building value big time. Compare it to PPC and be conservative and believable...use like .10 cents a click so that would equal *only* 270 clicks......

i.e keep building value until this a no brainer and only an idiot wouldn't want all this traffic for only $27....

"stop wasting money on overpriced traffic when you can exploit this untapped goldmine of traffic....."

And consider this... if you can build enough value for the standalone product...then you can simply add in the resell rights as a bonus and then, in effect, the resell rights will have a lot more value b/c you took the time to sell the product to THEM first..... as opposed to mentioning it right away in the headline... which actually kind of devalues the product...

I think there's potential here; you just have some work to do....