Compare Two Competeing Pages By Two Warriors...And My Own Try...

[RevenueRabbi]

I had two warriors each create a salespage form scratch for a coaching service.

Warrior #1 Created

Business Coaching By an Expert - business credit coaching

And Warrior #2 Created

Business Credit Secrets

which of the two was more likely to get you to pull the trigger?

[Kyle Tully]

If you want to know the answer simply split test them.

But frankly... they are both quite poor.

There's no hook in either of them. They do nothing to position you. They both "look" cheap. And that's just for starters...

If you're signing anyone up @ $200 a month from either of those letters it's not because of the copy.

[TimCastleman]

I agree. The layout sucks and the copy isn't much better. Get a couple of books on copywriting and try again.

Best of luck.

[RevenueRabbi]

Thanks for the replies. I have lowered the price to $45 a month as well as made some improvements.

This coaching is really meant for a specific list of buyers I am targeting... but I do not want to send out the offer to a list until I have the page converting...

there is only one time to do it right the first time

[kcartlidge]

They both seem bland and lifeless.

The bizcreditzone one is marginally better, mainly because at first glance the other one just looks like I've landed at some random niche article site and I'm left confused at the lack of in-your-face adwords!

For what it's worth, the bizcreditzone one at least has a reasonably decent set of fonts and colours for the central text area. In terms of visual appeal, the bottom half of that one is actually not terrible (from 'How You Can Boost Your Business Credit' onwards), but I personally would never scroll down that far if I landed randomly on the site. Even then, why the three different 'Reserve my Spot' options right next to each other and with such varying styles? And the borders on the boxed quote sections are awfully cheap looking (the other site fares better there).

Also, add a decent header area and maybe either an overall border to the squeeze area or a bit of subtle background just to bring some depth to the page.

The 'Entrepeneur of the Year' award logo looks quite downmarket. It's a reasonable thing to display, but it looks like something knocked up on CorelDraw or Word's WordArt for one of those leaflets people stick up on doors in company offices advertising a night out. In the same vein, the Legitimate Merchant Trust Seal seems a little pointless. It proves nothing, links nowhere for quality verification and also looks tacky. However maybe it's something big in the States that people are familiar with (though Googling for ["Legitimate Merchant" "Trust Seal"] found exactly zero entries).

Finally, I'd be very cautious about saying it doesn't matter if you're under 14 years old. Their parent or guardian (or even the law) might have something to say about doing financial business or coaching with someone that young - it is, after all, a business agreement even if it is for coaching.

I'd certainly consider withholding any payment for the two pages (if such was involved) without some revision.

[Kyle Tully]

Originally Posted by BizBooks

I have lowered the price to $45 a month as well as made some improvements.

I definitely don't think you should lower the price.

You just need better copy

[Collette]

Sorry, neither of these pages would convince me to buy.

You're positioning yoursel as "an expert". Yet the design and copy scream "amateur". It's completely contrary to the image you're trying to portray.

Additionally, your headline claims you were one of Entrepreneur Magazine's Top 10. That's a pretty big claim, and one which should be easy to show proof. Neither page shows any proof that you're not just throwing around a line of BS. Worse, when I Google your name, I get nada.

This is not good. It makes you look like a fraud. Again, NOT good for enhancing credibility as "an expert".

Lots of work to be done here. The problem is not your price point. If you are who you say you are, and deliver the results you say you can, you can ask whatever you want. Unfortunately, as both those pages are right now, no amount of price-cutting is going to convince anyone of the value of your offering.

My suggestion would be to outsource the design and copy, and concentrate on doing what you do best.

[RevenueRabbi]

Thank You for all the input!

The reason you don't get my name in Google is because I am trying to NOT use my full name in the Copy...

Thank You-- Will Update!

[Justin Mandel]

The second page is just slightly better than the first, and that's not saying much.

Whatever poster above used the word "lifeless" hit the nail right on the head.

The layout is extremely basic and does not get anyone to continue to scroll down and read what's there.

If you want any sales to speak of it's a good idea to start over again right from square 1 and hire someone who can pull this off.

Best of luck!

[ecoverartist]

Yep, neither one would get me to pull the trigger. The fact that you're one of Inc. Magazine's Top 10 Entrepreneurs is a definite selling point, and I might be interested in business coaching... but then the copy goes off and talks about credit ratings right in the first paragraph and...you lost me.

Design and copy both need a serious lift (I'm available for hire on both!) since the "white text/red headline/blue background" screams "1997" to me. I think with the right kind of design, a strong headline and the right hook, you're bound to get some inquiries!

[pavondunbar]

Hi BizBooks...

I personally don't like either one of them...

Maybe you could offer a piece of the training material, say, in a PDF transcript and offer itt o subscribers as a free gift...

At least that's what I would do...

Hope this helps!

Pavon

PS: Keep up the good work, though!

[Palo Coyote]

It was about YOU as opposed to being about ME. Guess who I'm more interested in? The people you are targeting are more interested in "What's in it for me?" Just human nature.

[RevenueRabbi]

how's the above in comparison?

[kcartlidge]

Much better. Except ....

It suffers from exclamation-itis! At! The! Top!

The red headline has too many negative phrases (don't want your money, less than 720%).

The headline makes no sense - how would my investment be less than what I paid, surely my investment is what I paid? Do you mean my return, my profit, my income or revenue perhaps?

This next thing might seem odd, but your 4 bullet points at the top don't belong together - a bullet list is usually a list of things that, taken seperately, are interchangeable grammatically. In other words, if you start your list with something like "Learn how you can ..." then you should be able to put that in front of each bullet point in turn and it makes sense for them all, whereas that works with bullet point 1 but not the others. Yet something like "Did you know ..." which obviously works with point 3 again fits no others. I cannot think of anything that could go before all four in turn and still make sense. Note that I'm not necessarily saying something should go before them, but rather that grammatically it works far better if something could go before them, whilst still making sense in all cases.
Having all four be complete sentences does mitigate it a lot, but following that principle even in the case of full sentences (imagining them being rephrased to share a common start phrase) tends to lead to far smoother copy. In a sense it helps the mind of the reader flow easily onwards with minimal switching of ideas/tenses/viewpoints and so forth mid-list. Those you have listed make it seem, from a copy perspective, like they are actually random selections from three other lists brought into one with the remainder of those other lists dropped. From a non-copy-writer viewpoint the way they mismatch each other risks it looking like you were short of things to list.

You say "As you can probably tell ... the incredible guarantee I'm offering" yet nowhere do you offer any guarantee. Admittedly you state 720% or you don't want their money, but that isn't a guarantee it's just a statement. "Make Over 7 Times What You Pay For My Services In 90 Days or Your Money Back" is a guarantee.

Finally, and most importantly, even saying you are "an amazing human being" and an entrepeneur top 10 doesn't get around the issue that none of it is actually convincing. There's no "wow, this guy's good" moment. No feeling of untapped wisdom being missed out on. It lacks that certain something.

That said, it is still a big improvement

[RevenueRabbi]

Whoa, kcartlidge. Thanks!

I'm going to fix it up-- BUT --- testimonials will do the showing of what I have done for people... I have one warrior that should have a testimonial for me tomorrow with what i've accomplished for her........

[TracyNeedham]

kcartlidge had a lot of great suggestions. One I'd add is that you have to give more detail to the "I have the education and experience required to help you..."

Even with testimonials, I still think you need to back this up some with a few tidbits about what this experience is and your accomplishments with your own business(es), etc.

Also, change "tangible results" to something that more specifically references more money, more sales, better bottom line, etc.

Tracy