Critique on Communication Skills Sales Letter

[Joshua Uebergang]

It's weakest points seems to be the pre-headline, headline, and post-headline. What I've got so far from my tests is my best, but I'm sure it can be better.

Ignore the video. I'll be doing a new one. New content and more professional.

I'm trying flow testing by breaking the letter into two parts. I'll then be tracking if the reader carries out the action of clicking through to the next page.

Any suggestions would be awesome.

edit: link removed.

[Kyle Tully]

Hey Joshua,

A few quick points...

You're not hitting your prospects at their pain point -- e.g. the pre-head... "never again do you have to feel an emotional or psychological barrier blocks you from success".

That's not how people think. "Psychological barriers" don't keep them up at night. Figure out what these people are thinking, what they're worried about... then write about that.

You're trying to hard to be a "killer" copywriter with the subhead:

Stop Shooting Your Relationships, Hammering Nails Into Your Charisma, And Pouring Acid Over Your Persuasive Skills - Because These 12 Killers, When Jailed, Give You What You Want With People

Way too much. Tone it down and make it conversational. What would you say to me if I had these issues and was sitting next to you at a bar?

Your main body font is quite small and seems to be a shade of gray rather than black, difficult to read.

There's lots more you can improve but that should keep you busy for a while.

[procopywriter]

Kyle shared some great points. You're trying to be way too clever and you're completely missing the mark.

Identify your buyer. If you can get a firm grasp on who your buyer is, what problems he's having, etc., it will be much easier for you to keep the focus on him. (It may mean you have to narrow your focus and eliminate target markets in order to write a more focused letter.)

Your opening is also weak. You start out talking about yourself, which is a big no-no. At this point, no one cares about you. They only care about what you can DO for them. But to be honest, I doubt people are even getting to the lead because your headline is so awkward.

Ask yourself these questions...

Who is my prospect?
What is he thinking about on a regular basis?
What problems is he having?
What problems can I solve?
How will he benefit when I solve this problem for him?
What does he truly want?
How does my product help him get what he wants?
How can I make him see that my product helps him get what he wants?

Good, solid, specific answers to those questions will give you some great ideas for headlines.... and will also keep your copy more focused on your prospect (and infinitely more interesting to him).

[davemiz]

WAAAY too much body copy between subheads.....

[Loren Woirhaye]

I think I looked at an early draft of your book Joshua -
so I have some opinion of the product as well.

There is a contrasting tone here - hard-hitting headlines
and subheads contrasted with long body copy in
between.

I read parts of your book so I know it is fairly academic -
that was my impression anyway.

So who is the target prospect really? This letter seems
to be for people who are having real serious problems
while your book is more like a high-level overview of
persuasion "technologies" that would be of interest to
salespeople, counselors and other professionals.

I write verbose copy myself so I respect the style - but
is it appropriate here?

Your bullet points on pg.2 are great! Really. But your
page 1 meanders and goes on and on. I would put your
bullets near the top, or in numerous blocks.

There's one issue with the bullets though - and that is
that they are clearly SELLING something.

It is POSSIBLE to frame your letter as a "helping"
message - which you've partially done here, and
almost "fool" the reader into going from curiosity to
desire for your product.

All in all this is the sort of thing which has potential if
used with targeted lists of past buyers of similar
material. On the mass-market it may be hard to get
traction with it.

I don't know if you have Rodale books, Agora, Boardroom
books, and other similar publishers in Australia but
if you can get their mailings they are a wealth of
great stuff for selling books.

Also, Dennison Hatch's "Million Dollar Mailings" is a
Goldmine for swiping what is proven to work for
selling similar appeals in the mail - self-improvement,
basically. There are some dynamite mailers
in there.

[Joshua Uebergang]

Ah, Kyle! Thanks. I absolutely agree. You broke down what I felt but couldn't see.

You start out talking about yourself, which is a big no-no. At this point, no one cares about you.

I understand that can be destructive, but countless sales letters talk about the author or creator when they show empathy or describe the problem. I'm not saying what I've got is right, just showing you my purpose. My lead prior to talking about myself has the prospect explore his own problems so he filters everything he reads through that perspective - so he reads how everything applies to him.

I'll use those questions, Josh, to solve my crappy start to the letter. Thanks.

Thanks Loren for those insights.

There's one issue with the bullets though - and that is
that they are clearly SELLING something.

I tried really hard to frame the bullets in imagery, without clearly selling something, but I mustn't have succeeded. What are same samples that make it feel like selling instead of a "helping message"? and why?

[Loren Woirhaye]

There's no way out of your bullets being salesy - they
will just be perceived that way because of the bullet
format - people have seen the format before and because
you name page numbers they know you are pitching
a book. Use them, but understand that as soon as
you do your objective to sell becomes transparent to
readers - they may not mind, they may be excited to
read them, but they still know you will ask for their
money at the end.