Critique My Headlines and Bullets

Vargas · 01-29-2012, 12:06 AM

Ok, I am just starting out copywriting and to get my feet wet I am doing some Ad-Spec of a start up that is a financial education company that helps investors learn how to get rich by basing their investments in what many millionaires place their investments during recession and depression economic times. So I would like some honest feedback with my headlines and Bullet points... So here we go.

HEADLINES

Are you drowning in a sea of debt?
At last, millionaires reveal ways to invest in the recession!
How to get INSANELY rich during times of economic turmoil.

BLIND BULLETS

Discover the real reason why the US economy is failing... and how you can protect your financial future.
Why you can’t depend on Roth IRA or 401K to still be there when you are older.
Learn what the Federal Reserve is doing to reduce the value of your money... and how to take advantage of it.
Find out why investing in gold will keep you from starving, and out of the bread line.
Discover why gas prices will never be as cheap as they once were... and how you can profit from it.

Thanks in advance

Mark Andrews · 01-29-2012, 03:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vargas

Ok, I am just starting out copywriting and to get my feet wet I am doing some Ad-Spec of a start up that is a financial education company that helps investors learn how to get rich by basing their investments in what many millionaires place their investments during recession and depression economic times. So I would like some honest feedback with my headlines and Bullet points... So here we go.

HEADLINES

Are you drowning in a sea of debt?
At last, millionaires reveal ways to invest in the recession!
How to get INSANELY rich during times of economic turmoil.

BLIND BULLETS

Discover the real reason why the US economy is failing... and how you can protect your financial future.
Why you can’t depend on Roth IRA or 401K to still be there when you are older.
Learn what the Federal Reserve is doing to reduce the value of your money... and how to take advantage of it.
Find out why investing in gold will keep you from starving, and out of the bread line.
Discover why gas prices will never be as cheap as they once were... and how you can profit from it.

Thanks in advance

What happened to the word 'please'?

Please would you...

Or...

Please would you be kind enough to...?

Rather than commanding us to help you with... 'Critique My Headlines and Bullets'.

What do you think we are here? Dogs to be commanded at your will?

You do realize you're asking us to give you our professional knowledge here. Knowledge which in many cases has taken years to acquire. Blood, sweat and tears. And our time is valuable.

Let me throw the ball back in your court...

What's in it for us to give you our free advice?

What are you prepared to give us in exchange for the knowledge you're so desperately in need of right now? Knowledge which can only benefit you and your bottom line cash profit.

What are you prepared to give to us in return for helping you?

Mark Andrews

Jason Kanigan · 01-29-2012, 07:36 AM

I'm going to comment on what you've got:

The first headline needs a second part. A hook.

The second needs to get a bit more specific on how or what kind of investing is being done. Invest for what purpose?

The third appeals to greed, but like the others has no flavor.

These, plus the bullet points you have, may work if you've already qualified your prospect. If the reader is already interested in investing and has disposable income ready to do so, then these might work.

I recommend you build a story around them that appeals to your target market...

"How a Debt-Ridden, Worried Sick 52-Year-Old Teacher Got the Money to Pay for His Retirement--Without Knowing ANYTHING About the Stock Market"

eBay_Mastery · 01-30-2012, 09:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

What happened to the word 'please'?

Please would you...

Or...

Please would you be kind enough to...?

Rather than commanding us to help you with... 'Critique My Headlines and Bullets'.

What do you think we are here? Dogs to be commanded at your will?

You do realize you're asking us to give you our professional knowledge here. Knowledge which in many cases has taken years to acquire. Blood, sweat and tears. And our time is valuable.

Let me throw the ball back in your court...

What's in it for us to give you our free advice?

What are you prepared to give us in exchange for the knowledge you're so desperately in need of right now? Knowledge which can only benefit you and your bottom line cash profit.

What are you prepared to give to us in return for helping you?

Mark Andrews

Hey Mark,

Lighten up. The guy's just starting out. Remember when you were just starting out? I'll bet you got help and free advice. What good is knowledge if you can't share it? Does there always have to be something in it for us? Can't we give advice without seeking to be rewarded because we did so. Besides, it's advice. There are no right or wrong answers with copywriting. It's all very subjective.

Bret Ferguson · 01-30-2012, 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eBay_Mastery

Hey Mark,

Lighten up. The guy's just starting out. Remember when you were just starting out? I'll bet you got help and free advice. What good is knowledge if you can't share it? Does there always have to be something in it for us? Can't we give advice without seeking to be rewarded because we did so. Besides, it's advice. There are no right or wrong answers with copywriting. It's all very subjective.

Those were my thoughts.....

Joe Ditzel · 01-30-2012, 09:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

What do you think we are here? Dogs...?

Top Dog Copywriters - Match the Dog to the Copywriter lol

eBay_Mastery · 01-31-2012, 04:36 AM

Vargas,

I'll reiterate some of what Jason Kanigan wrote and maybe add something of value as well.

My first impression was throw out the first headline idea. I's incomplete, doesn't grab and well, quite frankly, if someone is up to their eyeballs in debt they aren't looking at investment vehicles.

The second one has potential but, again, is under developed. It needs more focus and grabbing power. The only purpose of the headline is to pull someone out of the crowd, grab their attention and get them to read the next paragraph.

How about this blend of the second and third?

The Wealth Secrets of The Century...

How YOU Can Reap Windfall Profits Using Simple, Closely Held, Depression Era Tricks of The Wealthy to Build A Massive Retirement Nest Egg...NO PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE REQUIRED!

Of course none of this really matters if you are broadcasting to the wrong audience.

The bullets need to be more commanding. They need to be written with the same emphasis as the headline and any sub heads. Each one should be able to stand alone as a headline in its own right...being able to grab attention in the same manner so that if someone starts reading, then scanning, this will pull their attention back in.

Well that's it for the free advice, hope it's helpful Vargus.

Mark Andrews · 01-31-2012, 04:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eBay_Mastery

Hey Mark,

Lighten up. The guy's just starting out. Remember when you were just starting out? I'll bet you got help and free advice. What good is knowledge if you can't share it? Does there always have to be something in it for us? Can't we give advice without seeking to be rewarded because we did so. Besides, it's advice. There are no right or wrong answers with copywriting. It's all very subjective.

4 posts to your name doesn't exactly qualify you to criticize other copywriters here who have been helping other Warrior members out for years completely free of charge and in doing so, giving away thousands of dollars worth of advice.

I bring your attention to these two threads by Bruce Wedding...

A Wacky Idea For Those Wanting Critiques

6 Reasons Why I Seldom Critique Copy Here

Mark Andrews

01-29-2012, 12:06 AM	#1
Vargas Warrior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 14 Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 2 Posts	Critique My Headlines and Bullets Ok, I am just starting out copywriting and to get my feet wet I am doing some Ad-Spec of a start up that is a financial education company that helps investors learn how to get rich by basing their investments in what many millionaires place their investments during recession and depression economic times. So I would like some honest feedback with my headlines and Bullet points... So here we go. HEADLINES Are you drowning in a sea of debt? At last, millionaires reveal ways to invest in the recession! How to get INSANELY rich during times of economic turmoil. BLIND BULLETS Discover the real reason why the US economy is failing... and how you can protect your financial future. Why you can’t depend on Roth IRA or 401K to still be there when you are older. Learn what the Federal Reserve is doing to reduce the value of your money... and how to take advantage of it. Find out why investing in gold will keep you from starving, and out of the bread line. Discover why gas prices will never be as cheap as they once were... and how you can profit from it. Thanks in advance

01-29-2012, 07:36 AM	#3
Jason Kanigan Mr. Sales On Fire War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: NC, USA Posts: 1,373 Thanks: 377 Thanked 733 Times in 447 Posts	Re: Critique My Headlines and Bullets I'm going to comment on what you've got: The first headline needs a second part. A hook. The second needs to get a bit more specific on how or what kind of investing is being done. Invest for what purpose? The third appeals to greed, but like the others has no flavor. These, plus the bullet points you have, may work if you've already qualified your prospect. If the reader is already interested in investing and has disposable income ready to do so, then these might work. I recommend you build a story around them that appeals to your target market... "How a Debt-Ridden, Worried Sick 52-Year-Old Teacher Got the Money to Pay for His Retirement--Without Knowing ANYTHING About the Stock Market"
	Jason Kanigan \| Sales Training - PainFreeProfits.com \| Copywriting $ SALES ON FIRE: 1-on-1 Call Gets Rid of Your Cold Calling Fears FOREVER ... $ Or Get the Recorded Version if you’re on a budget - Make TONS OF MONEY $ STOP GETTING HUNG UP ON with my Call Training and Script Consultation $ Did you miss my FREE Offline Sales Training? \| Localincomelab.com interviews me on selling

01-31-2012, 04:36 AM	#7
eBay_Mastery Copywriting Consultant Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Murphy, NC, USA. Posts: 5 Thanks: 0 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts Social Networking	Re: Critique My Headlines and Bullets Vargas, I'll reiterate some of what Jason Kanigan wrote and maybe add something of value as well. My first impression was throw out the first headline idea. I's incomplete, doesn't grab and well, quite frankly, if someone is up to their eyeballs in debt they aren't looking at investment vehicles. The second one has potential but, again, is under developed. It needs more focus and grabbing power. The only purpose of the headline is to pull someone out of the crowd, grab their attention and get them to read the next paragraph. How about this blend of the second and third? The Wealth Secrets of The Century... How YOU Can Reap Windfall Profits Using Simple, Closely Held, Depression Era Tricks of The Wealthy to Build A Massive Retirement Nest Egg...NO PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE REQUIRED! Of course none of this really matters if you are broadcasting to the wrong audience. The bullets need to be more commanding. They need to be written with the same emphasis as the headline and any sub heads. Each one should be able to stand alone as a headline in its own right...being able to grab attention in the same manner so that if someone starts reading, then scanning, this will pull their attention back in. Well that's it for the free advice, hope it's helpful Vargus.