Salesletter Critique (please?)

[MeTellYou]

Thanks for your help. Appreciate it.

[Derek Pankaew]

Originally Posted by MeTellYou

Hey,

would you guys look at this salesletter for me?

(attached)

I'm trying to launch a WSO for artiles (I've been doing ebooks mostly).

Thanks in advance!

Sebastian

My comments:

First, if you're selling writing services, you really need to double check your spelling and your grammar. In this post alone, you didn't capitalize your W and you misspelled articles ("artiles".) That alone would have me not consider hiring you.

You need samples. Most people aren't going to read this whole salesletter. Instead, they're going to go over to the Warrior for Hire section, open up 10 tabs of writers, open up their samples, scan their samples, pick 2-3 of the ones they like, look at their prices, then skim the salesletter.

Repeat: People aren't going to read this whole thing. Even with a Gary Halbert headline You need to give potential buyers the data they need to make a decision, which is samples, not just persuasive copy.

Personally, I think you're pricing yourself out of the market. The going rate is around 0.018 per word. I price myself at 0.026 per word, quite a bit higher than the market and I get about $2,500 a month of work, which is about perfect for me. (Enough $, not more work than I want.) I think pricing yourself at $0.05 per word is just unrealistic.

There are plenty of good writers at $0.02 or $0.025 - I just don't think people are going to pay that price. It's one thing to position yourself at the top of the market, it's another thing to completely price yourself out of the market.

Bottom Line:

1) You need samples. At least 5, preferably 10.
2) I would lower the price, especially if you're starting a new thread with zero replies.
3) I would take the testimonials out of the WF thread frame and make them a little easier to read. The way it looks right now makes it easier for the eyes to skip the testimonials to read them. Look at some of the bestselling WSOs right now and see how they're pulling out and presenting their testimonials.

That's my 2 cents. I do want to say - I like your naturally flowing style, I think people would really like the conversational way you write. I think you could have a good business going in the long run; but I still don't think you can price yourself a 0.05, especially in the beginning.

Cheers,

- Derek

[The Copy Nazi]

You steal a Halbert headline (from an old WSO I did promoting a Halbert seminar DVD from the internet lawyer Bob Silber) and the copy goes downhill from there. You talk about grammar mistakes - and you make glaring ones yourself. For instance - "How many times have your content... " should read "How many times has your content..." .

Look up. You write "I'm trying to launch a WSO for artiles".

Not a good impression for a writer.

BTW this para towards the end of your pitch would have most of your readers clicking off - if they even got that far -

I am not the quickest writer out there and, I won't be pushed around by clients. If you're going to be looking over my shoulder all the time and telling me how to write your content, I'll refund you quicker than you can blink.

Know what I thought when I read that? I thought of Max5ty. He would have said "Go screw yourself". That para kills the sale stone-cold-motherless-dead.

[Danielle Lynn]

Aside from the great points that Derek and Mal made, you're also making the mistake of targeting the wrong people.

The bulk of your sales pitch here is telling marketers why they need to pay more for good content.

Big mistake for 2 reasons:

1) The marketers who DO understand the value of premium content don't need your spiel about how $5 articles waste money.

2) The marketers who DON'T understand the value of premium content will likely be awful clients - and unless you want to play 'patient instructor' they're going to question everything. From your price point, to your results.

They're also likely to come back and blame you when they don't make a cent after they slap your article on their site and nothing happens since they have no idea how to effectively market it.

Here's a secret: before you write out your letter, take some time to think about who your target customers are. If you want to attract the marketers who will value your writing, you'll need to take a different angle (and fix your grammar.)

And for goodness sake, don't threaten your prospects in your sales letter. (re: the quote "If you...I'll refund you quicker...")

[MeTellYou]

Thanks for your comments everyone!

I never proofread my forum posts. Sorry about that.

About the errors in the copy: I proofed it right after I wrote it and then I put it up just to see what you guys think.

Thanks for your feedback, though