Critique of 150 Word Voiceover

[nickhumph]

Hello guys,
I'm launching Animated Website Videos & Video Explainers at Web Video for Business | We create Web Videos for Business and currently coming up with my 60 second voiceover script to sell our custom animated video service!

This is what I have, do you think it's compelling enough?
---------------------------
Did you know that consumers are 72% more likely to purchase an online product when video is used?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a moving picture is worth soo much more!

You see, the people of today don’t want to spend their valuable time reading[change to bored tone] looong, boring pages of text and information.
Immediate gratification is where it’s at when it comes to surfing the web, and if you have a video that makes people laugh (short pause for laughter) or has an unique message (short pause for "ooo" sound?), it can be bookmarked and shared on all the social networking sites across the web giving your website more exposure!

Grab their full attention with an fully custom, frame-by-frame built animated video that explains to the world how your product or idea works in under 2 minutes.
It's a fun and easy way to tell the world what you’re alll about, and we can help you make your own animation exactly the way you want it to be!

The future of marketing is in video and animation, and with Web Video for Business, we'll help make your marketing a success!

So if your ready for your business to blow up in a big way, let our team of expert business animators create something amazing for you! Contact Web Video For Businesses today for a FREE quote!
-----------------------------

Thanks, I'd really appreciate any of your ideas and feedback

Nick

[The Copy Nazi]

A script-writer you aint kid. I can't even begin to tell you how awful this is. Amateur-hour. "Did you know that consumers are 72% more likely to purchase an online product when video is used?" Did you know you have about a second to grab their ears before they tune out from this dross?

I know what I'm talking about. I was TripleM's copywriter in the Doug Mulray days. You know - when they were consecutively #1 FM station for like 15 surveys.

[nickhumph]

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

A script-writer you aint kid. I can't even begin to tell you how awful this is. Amateur-hour. "Did you know that consumers are 72% more likely to purchase an online product when video is used?" Did you know you have about a second to grab their ears before they tune out from this dross?

I know what I'm talking about. I was TripleM's copywriter in the Doug Mulray days. You know - when they were consecutively #1 FM station for like 15 surveys.

ahhhh ok, I thought that was pretty attention grabbing but obviously not. Can you be a bit more constructive please? What can I improve?

[Steve Hill]

I'm not a scriptwriter, but I have to agree with Mal here.

There's no powerful hook to get the immediate attention of your target audience (think headline and identify a problem), nor is there any strong presentation of benefits (present a solution) they'll get from using your service (such as "Increase your conversion rate by 72%!").

Maybe listeners will have some innate objections too (such as it might cost a lot) that you can overcome, or perhaps you have a strong testimonial or other proof to add. Is there a guarantee (make a promise)?

How about ending with a compelling offer and a stronger call to action?

Try reading everything out loud, too. The whole paragraph about "Immediate gratification," for example, is long and convoluted - does anybody actually talk like that?

All in all, since you asked, the script seems rather limp and passive to me, and could definitely be a lot stronger and more compelling. 60 seconds isn't a lot of time, but a lot can be done in that amount of time.

Therere are lots of online examples of successful 30 and 60 second radio ads available for inspiration.

[bikramksingh]

Originally Posted by nickhumph

Hello guys,
I'm launching Animated Website Videos & Video Explainers at Web Video for Business | We create Web Videos for Business and currently coming up with my 60 second voiceover script to sell our custom animated video service!

This is what I have, do you think it's compelling enough?
---------------------------
Did you know that consumers are 72% more likely to purchase an online product when video is used?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a moving picture is worth soo much more!

You see, the people of today don’t want to spend their valuable time reading[change to bored tone] looong, boring pages of text and information.
Immediate gratification is where it’s at when it comes to surfing the web, and if you have a video that makes people laugh (short pause for laughter) or has an unique message (short pause for "ooo" sound?), it can be bookmarked and shared on all the social networking sites across the web giving your website more exposure!

Grab their full attention with an fully custom, frame-by-frame built animated video that explains to the world how your product or idea works in under 2 minutes.
It's a fun and easy way to tell the world what you’re alll about, and we can help you make your own animation exactly the way you want it to be!

The future of marketing is in video and animation, and with Web Video for Business, we'll help make your marketing a success!

So if your ready for your business to blow up in a big way, let our team of expert business animators create something amazing for you! Contact Web Video For Businesses today for a FREE quote!
-----------------------------

Thanks, I'd really appreciate any of your ideas and feedback

Nick

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but Nick this piece didn't work for me.

3 things you can improve about the script:

1. Remove unnecessary words
2. Begin copy with active verb
3. Make it crisp

[BrianMcLeod]

Originally Posted by nickhumph

Hello guys,
I'm launching Animated Website Videos & Video Explainers at Web Video for Business | We create Web Videos for Business and currently coming up with my 60 second voiceover script to sell our custom animated video service!

This is what I have, do you think it's compelling enough?
---------------------------
Did you know that consumers are 72% more likely to purchase an online product when video is used?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a moving picture is worth soo much more!

You see, the people of today don’t want to spend their valuable time reading[change to bored tone] looong, boring pages of text and information.
Immediate gratification is where it’s at when it comes to surfing the web, and if you have a video that makes people laugh (short pause for laughter) or has an unique message (short pause for "ooo" sound?), it can be bookmarked and shared on all the social networking sites across the web giving your website more exposure!

Grab their full attention with an fully custom, frame-by-frame built animated video that explains to the world how your product or idea works in under 2 minutes.
It's a fun and easy way to tell the world what you’re alll about, and we can help you make your own animation exactly the way you want it to be!

The future of marketing is in video and animation, and with Web Video for Business, we'll help make your marketing a success!

So if your ready for your business to blow up in a big way, let our team of expert business animators create something amazing for you! Contact Web Video For Businesses today for a FREE quote!
-----------------------------

Thanks, I'd really appreciate any of your ideas and feedback

Nick

Buried the lead... everything above the bold is wasted time.

What's your big promise?

You need a HOOK.

[ThomasOMalley]

Take a look at Barry Callen's Perfect Words for Sales and Marketing Copy at amazon.com.

He has some good info. to help with scripts.

[nickhumph]

Thanks for your feedback everyone, I'm going to get a copywriter to re-write the entire thing and I'll post it back here!

[RickDuris]

Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod

Buried the lead... everything above the bold is wasted time.

What's your big promise?

You need a HOOK.

Good catch, Brian.

[nickhumph]

Okay guys what about this?

Welcome to Web Video for Businesses..The fast and cost effective way to bring new
clients to your business successfully !

With a Web Video for your Business, you can paint your product to everyone.
Offering a fast turn around of your script, a team of expert business animators to create
amazing pictures, whether it be a product, a special event or training session, a voice
artist to bring it all to life !..and one on one professional advice on how it should be
delivered …giving you the best possible result !..
and if you’re not 100% satisfied, we guarantee your money back !

It’s a known fact that 72% of consumers are more likely to purchase online, when video
is used, so make the smart choice and become part of a new media revelation..that
WORKS !
Get your free quote today at
Webvideoforbusinesses.com

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by nickhumph

Okay guys what about this?

Welcome to Web Video for Businesses..The fast and cost effective way to bring new
clients to your business successfully !

With a Web Video for your Business, you can paint your product to everyone.
Offering a fast turn around of your script, a team of expert business animators to create
amazing pictures, whether it be a product, a special event or training session, a voice
artist to bring it all to life !..and one on one professional advice on how it should be
delivered …giving you the best possible result !..
and if you’re not 100% satisfied, we guarantee your money back !

It’s a known fact that 72% of consumers are more likely to purchase online, when video
is used, so make the smart choice and become part of a new media revelation..that
WORKS !
Get your free quote today at
Webvideoforbusinesses.com

Bloody awful. Hire-a-pro.

[nickhumph]

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Bloody awful. Hire-a-pro.

Agree.. and that was a pro.. with years of experience apparently

[Don Schenk]

[QUOTE]You see, the people of today don’t want to spend their valuable time reading[change to bored tone] looong, boring pages of text and information. [QUOTE]

I can't imagine where you got that piece of hogwash!

The audio in a video is going at 165 to 200 (high speed) words per minute. People read a lot faster that that. And with a written page they can skim.

A twenty minute video, takes a full twenty minutes for a prospect to go through. The same in the written word is something I can read through in 4 or 5 minutes - and/or skim in 1 minute.

I certainly don't understand how reading is going to waste my valuable time when watching take 5 to 10 times longer.

It's not possible to skim a video.

A short - 3 minute or so - video to grab attention, and a written sales page for people to skim once you have their attention will give a better result.

Hmmm, so you think long pages are boring! Have you ever read a book? Why?

It's more than one page.

Have you ever read a novel? Again why?

And a video can be even more boring than a boring written page because the boring video takes more time to go through and bores your prospect for an even longer time than reading.

Have you ever watch a movie - all the way through? How about a long movie like any of the "Lord of The Rings" series? They are 3 hours long - each!

You did so because it was well written to hold your attention.

A short video along with a salesletter is your better solution. The video grabs interest (only if well written), and the salesletter gives the details.

Then there is this...

[QUOTE] Welcome to Web Video for Businesses..The fast and cost effective way to bring new clients to your business successfully ! [QUOTE]

Surely you can't think that is interesting or is going to grab anyone's attention! There are no specifics. How fast? Exactly how cost effective? How many clients?

"Welcome to Web Video for Business" gives no big promise, no strong benefit, no reason for anyone to continue reading.

Click - the sound of your audience leaving.

:-Don

[RickDuris]

Nick, hope you didn't pay for that piece of crap.

Just noodling around, try this:

-----------------------

One evening, two ambitious Internet marketers listened to the same webinar about how short, captivating videos were producing EXTRAORDINARY gains online.

Increasing leads, customers, sales and profits--almost overnight.

Naturally after the webinar, both Internet marketers were excited. Both set out to create a video for their own websites.

The first Internet marketer, to save some money, tried to create his video himself.

However, once he discovered how painfully complicated and detailed it was to create a professional looking online video, he gave up and hired someone to do it for him.

But after blowing his budget and wasting time on several revisions...

All he got was frustrated and discouraged--and a crappy looking video he hated. One that DECREASED conversions, instead of the opposite.

The other Internet marketer? He got lucky and hired nickhumph--the famous video production company responsible for creating videos for X, Y and Z.

Not only was the video professional looking, it was totally animated.

He was so proud of the final result, he'd secretly watch the video over and over again himself.

The best part? The video started generating sales the same day he posted it online. Amazing.

Video CAN make you more money online. But it has to be done right.

It requires marketing know-how, creativity as well as technical expertise. Plus, a strong eye for detail.

Give us a call at 847-217-3039. Or email us at nickhumph@gmail.com. You supply the product, service or story, and we'll do all the rest.

That's 847-217-3039 or nickhumph@gmail.com.

-----------------------------

Not sure about the qualities you want to emphasize. And maybe someone else can give it a little more polish.

- Rick Duris

[The Copy Nazi]

Rick, if you're going to go down that road you may as well do the old "Guy walks into a bar" schtick. Carlton talks about it somewhere. But he wasn't the first. The technique has been around forever.

You could have one dude showing the barman his video promo and the other Dude says "Where did you get that made?"blah blah. Too easy. Some of the newer guys here should be able to knock that out for less than a hundred clams. And have some fun with it.

I think the hook should be - "Video's where it's at" - as in "everyone is watching video these days" - especially on their cells - that's getting bigger and bigger.

But the really BIG thing is that YouTube has become the #2 Search Engine - after Google, of course. So people are going straight to YouBoob to find videos on all sorts of stuff - you name it - it's there. And that's a Quantum Shift - thats only been around the last year or so.

The other thing we've seen...that's quite revolutionary...is that any Joe can shoot a video on his cell or an entry-level HD and have it go viral. All it needs is a good idea - which is something that link you posted from Disney is all about.

[nickhumph]

Originally Posted by RickDuris

Nick, hope you didn't pay for that piece of crap.

Just noodling around, try this:

-----------------------

One evening, two ambitious Internet marketers listened to the same webinar about how short, captivating videos were producing EXTRAORDINARY gains online.

Increasing leads, customers, sales and profits--almost overnight.

Naturally after the webinar, both Internet marketers were excited. Both set out to create a video for their own websites.

The first Internet marketer, to save some money, tried to create his video himself.

However, once he discovered how painfully complicated and detailed it was to create a professional looking online video, he gave up and hired someone to do it for him.

But after blowing his budget and wasting time on several revisions...

All he got was frustrated and discouraged--and a crappy looking video he hated. One that DECREASED conversions, instead of the opposite.

The other Internet marketer? He got lucky and hired nickhumph--the famous video production company responsible for creating videos for X, Y and Z.

Not only was the video professional looking, it was totally animated.

He was so proud of the final result, he'd secretly watch the video over and over again himself.

The best part? The video started generating sales the same day he posted it online. Amazing.

Video CAN make you more money online. But it has to be done right.

It requires marketing know-how, creativity as well as technical expertise. Plus, a strong eye for detail.

Give us a call at 847-217-3039. Or email us at nickhumph@gmail.com. You supply the product, service or story, and we'll do all the rest.

That's 847-217-3039 or nickhumph@gmail.com.

-----------------------------

Not sure about the qualities you want to emphasize. And maybe someone else can give it a little more polish.

- Rick Duris

Wow thanks Rick! I might as well just use this, and like you said just get someone to polish it up!

[nickhumph]

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Rick, if you're going to go down that road you may as well do the old "Guy walks into a bar" schtick. Carlton talks about it somewhere. But he wasn't the first. The technique has been around forever.

You could have one dude showing the barman his video promo and the other Dude says "Where did you get that made?"blah blah. Too easy. Some of the newer guys here should be able to knock that out for less than a hundred clams. And have some fun with it.

I think the hook should be - "Video's where it's at" - as in "everyone is watching video these days" - especially on their cells - that's getting bigger and bigger.

Youtube got ONE TRILLION views on videos last year, so yeah the growth of video is enormous!

How could these facts be integrated into the copy piece?

• A study by The Wharton School of Business revealed that video improves comprehension and retention by 50 percent over a live presentation.
  
• Other studies have indicated that video speeds up buying decisions by 72 percent when compared to print.
  
• Video consumption is destined to increase online and on mobile devices, as more people are connected to the internet and mobile use will take over desktop use by 2014.

Oh and if customers are not satisfied with the final version of their animation, their intitiled to a full, 100% refund.

Do you guys know any good copywriter who will do a good job on a pretty tight budget?

[nickhumph]

ok don't worry guys, I've hired Rick Duris to help me!!

[nickhumph]

I thought I'd update you with Rick's version (modified slightly by me), here it is!
---------------------------
One evening, two ambitious Internet marketers listened to the same webinar about how short, captivating, animated videos were generating EXTRAORDINARY gains online.

Increasing leads, customers, sales and profits--ALMOST OVERNIGHT.

Not only that, but get this: Studies have proven video accelerates buying decisions by an incredible 72 PERCENT when compared to text alone.

In addition, a study by The Wharton School of Business also revealed video improved comprehension and retention by 50 PERCENT over live presentation.

Amazing, yes?

Bottom line? Video is where it's at today.

Naturally after the webinar, both Internet marketers were excited. Both set out to create a video for their own websites.

The first Internet marketer, to save some money, tried to create his video himself.

However, once he discovered how complicated and detailed it was to create a professional looking online video, he gave up and hired someone to do it for him.

But after blowing his budget and wasting hours...

All he got was frustrated and discouraged--and a crappy looking video he hated.

The second Internet marketer? He got lucky and hired Web Video for Businesses--the famous video production company.

Not only was the video professional looking, it was TOTALLY ANIMATED.

The best part? The video generated sales the same day he posted it online. Amazing.

Video CAN make you more money online. But requires marketing know-how, creativity as well as technical expertise.

Visit Web Video for Businesses - Animated Promo and Custom Website Video Animation Explainers | We create Web Videos for Business Or email us at support@webvideoforbusinesses.com. You supply the product, service or story, and we'll do the rest.

We're positive you'll love our work. So positive, we offer a 100% money back guarantee.

Let us show you what a professional, animated video can do for you!

[RickDuris]

I appreciate your ambition, Nick. I hope you do well with it. - Rick Duris

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by nickhumph

I thought I'd update you with Rick's version (modified slightly by me), here it is!
---------------------------
One evening, two ambitious Internet marketers listened to the same webinar about how short, captivating, animated videos were generating EXTRAORDINARY gains online.

Increasing leads, customers, sales and profits--ALMOST OVERNIGHT.

Not only that, but get this: Studies have proven video accelerates buying decisions by an incredible 72 PERCENT when compared to text alone.

In addition, a study by The Wharton School of Business also revealed video improved comprehension and retention by 50 PERCENT over live presentation.

Amazing, yes?

Bottom line? Video is where it's at today.

Naturally after the webinar, both Internet marketers were excited. Both set out to create a video for their own websites.

The first Internet marketer, to save some money, tried to create his video himself.

However, once he discovered how complicated and detailed it was to create a professional looking online video, he gave up and hired someone to do it for him.

But after blowing his budget and wasting hours...

All he got was frustrated and discouraged--and a crappy looking video he hated.

The second Internet marketer? He got lucky and hired Web Video for Businesses--the famous video production company.

Not only was the video professional looking, it was TOTALLY ANIMATED.

The best part? The video generated sales the same day he posted it online. Amazing.

Video CAN make you more money online. But requires marketing know-how, creativity as well as technical expertise.

Visit Web Video for Businesses - Animated Promo and Custom Website Video Animation Explainers | We create Web Videos for Business Or email us at support@webvideoforbusinesses.com. You supply the product, service or story, and we'll do the rest.

We're positive you'll love our work. So positive, we offer a 100% money back guarantee.

Let us show you what a professional, animated video can do for you!

You guys...that is hokey. Here's why -

The whole "two guys" thing needs to be handled deftly or it appears corny - like it does here.

"Two ambitious internet marketers"? Nuh. Give it some balls. If you're going with that scenario say something like "two hotshot IMers" or "two killer internet marketers" or "two internet marketing Dudes" or "two up and coming internet marketers". Maybe just "two Dudes".

"Short, captivating animated videos"? You mean "cool cartoons" or "short cartoon-like vids". "Animated" isn't the word you want.

"EXTRAORDINARY" gains? Spell it out. "Doubling" the viewers. "Thousands of extra viewers overnight" whatever it is.

This whole line means nothing - "Not only that, but get this: Studies have proven video accelerates buying decisions by an incredible 72 PERCENT when compared to text alone. " Again you need to spell it out. Who cares about the 72%? (and you need the % sign not "PERCENT"). Tell them that when you have a video as well as words that it converts much better.

"Wharton School of Business"? Most people won't know or care what that is.

"Amazing yes?". Uh, no - I could care less.

And then you nick my line (without even a passing thanks) "Video is where its at today". No, no, no and no. That's a saying straight out of The Sixties. It doesn't belong here.

Then we have the boring "one little piggie built his video of straw" thing. Gawd that's crook.

This line had me LOLing - "The second Internet marketer? He got lucky and hired Web Video for Businesses--the famous video production company."

You kidding me? "The famous"?


"Not only was the video professional looking, it was TOTALLY ANIMATED." Should be "professional-looking" for starters but again this is so bloody corny. "Totally animated". You mean it was a cartoon.

"We offer a 100% money back guarantee" - that line is just going to attract every time-wasting cheapskate out there. It doesn't need it. Especially at your prices. As it is you're going to be getting clients wanting to change the script. Or add something. Or take something away. You can't let them do that. You'll go broke. You need to spell out EXACTLY what they'll be getting for their money and what a great deal it is. What you don't want is them coming back asking for a refund.

Sorry for the hatchet-job but this writing can be so much better.

[BrianMcLeod]

Here's an extemporaneous, bare bones of a sort of generic but solid sales argument you (or anyone here) could punch up into a :60 spot to test.

If you run with it, do some video work for me or something.

Note:

Cut between lots of searching, clicking, people watching video clips and motion text/graphic slides.

When you talk about the biz cut to clips of busy digital agency shots.

---


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What happens if you chicken out or hesitate to act now

What to do again - right now

[The Copy Nazi]

Sigh. Grumble. I knew I should have left this alone. You guys are totally missing it. He wants a 60 second video script. You have to get rid of all the crap and cut to the chase. So all this "Attention all business owners"..."Do you need more visitors/sales/profit?" etc is rhetorical. And boring as bat sh*t.

Here's the thing. The viewer already knows he wants a video. You don't need to sell him on that. What he wants to know is, is this mob going to do a good job? So the video is a sales video for a sales video. So it better damn well work.

[Talking head]

"Dude...know what we used to do up to a few years ago? We didn't use video. We tried to inform people or make the sale with the written word. And that was hard. You had to really have an attractive site design to start with. With compelling copy - stuff that people would be interested in reading. Otherwise (SFX: zing) they were outta there in two seconds flat.

That's where video comes in. Its captivating. Or it should be. It should have your potential client hooked in the first few seconds. Like this -

[sexy provocative girl hiding something behind her back]"Hi guy. You looking for a shock? (pulls out a shock absorber) Like this little beauty? You want shocks? We gottam. All shapes and sizes [does something provocative with her hands]."

We can do a video like that for you. Or maybe you prefer something more classical -

[Funeral parlour. Funeral Director (with a Southern accent) pitching caskets] "Maybe your loved one was a motocycle afficionado? In which case may I suggest "The Sidecar" - comes in "Harley" finish or gold-plated".

Or this ...."

You're in the entertainment business. Its showtime. And push the fact that YouTube is the #2 Search Engine - people are going straight there to learn about all sorts of stuff.

Check this out - one minute twenty -

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

or this -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIeLv...ayer_embedded#!


More videos here - http://ilovelocalcommercials.com/videos.aspx

[RickDuris]

Thank you, Jesus! Praise the Lord!

Somebody else HAS THE BALLS to really help this man! Instead of throwing spitballs at someone else's efforts.

Commendable effort, Brian.

- Rick Duris

PS: Mal, on this one, YOU just don't get it. And I ain't got the time to 'splain it to you now.

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by RickDuris

Thank you, Jesus! Praise the Lord!

Somebody else HAS THE BALLS to really help this man! Instead of throwing spitballs at someone else's efforts.

Commendable effort, Brian.

- Rick Duris

PS: Mal, one this one, YOU just don't get it. And I ain't got the time to 'splain it to you now.

Think so? OK. LOL. I'm tempted to write and shoot the damn thing just to prove a point. If I had the time.

The day you need to explain video and/or copy to me will be the day.

And if you really wanted to help this 17 year old school kid...you wouldn't charge him. He asked for my charity but I just don't have the time. Or the inclination for that matter.

[The Copy Nazi]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...v=uGNDEQcHS_Y#!

This is what he has at the moment. Reminds me of an ad from the Drive-In movies in the Sixties. Come to think of it - that look could work. There's some stock footage of old Drive-In ads you could use - in the public domain. Yeah...you could ham it right up.

[BrianMcLeod]

It's all good, Mal.

Not enough Barbecue Chicken Ass for your taste.

You like it spicy. I hear you. I don't even disagree.

But I didn't pop in to write the dude a script....

I roughed out a vanilla, mostly generic outline of a simple sales argument for selling video services to business owners that he can punch up and build on.

You think it's boring. So do I, kinda.

But I don't care. Know why?

Because I also think it's clear and easy to follow... and there's no crime in clarity.

And surely we can all agree that self-indulgent advertainment pisses away more marketing dollars than anything else on earth, right?

Being conversational about copy here shouldn't be so much ****ing work and angst.

If we were all sitting around a table, slightly drunk or stoned - we could bust each others balls all day without everyone getting so crazy.

Hope everyone's week was less hectic than mine was.

I'm beat...

Brian

[BrianMcLeod]

And tangentially, did you guys know that Rhett & Link, the local commercial guys, scored a short-lived tv show last year?

"At the REeeedhouse... where black people and white people buy furnituuuuuure"

[Joe Ditzel]

Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod

Rhett & Link, the local commercial guys

"A bouncer in Birmingham hit me in the face with a crescent wrench five times, and my wife's boyfriend broke my jaw with a fencepost."

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

[daveshu]

I agree with Mal.

The problem with all of your copy is that it's written as though you're trying to sell to internet marketers - "two guys were listening to a webinar" - 99.99% of his potential customers aren't going to have the foggiest idea what a webinar is, will think internet marketers are all shady conmen trying to get people to buy crap (which lets face it, they are), and are going to think your copy sounds just like all of the other tired old crap thats out there.

It will not resonate with them and their own perceptions of what their business is and what they want to achieve online, and so they will not buy it.

It sounds so contrived, it isn't a simple straightforward message (you know, like when you're talking to a real person in the flesh) trying to convey genuine benefits that will genuinely help the customer, it's an obvious sales letter trying to look like it isn't a sales letter, which just immediately says that it and what it's offering isn't trustworthy, because lets be honest - you're trying to trick them into buying with BS stories.

People aren't stupid, despite what most "professional copywriters" think, and they don't like to be lied to either, so lying to them and treating like they're dummies doesn't bode well for getting their business.

While your internet marketing style of "professional copywriting" might work with internet marketers, that's because most internet marketers are not professional, intelligent business people, they're idiots who are trying to make a fast buck by getting something for nothing, or learning how to get rich without actually doing anything.

99.999999999999% of the world are not these people.

Consequently the copy sucks for 99.9999999% of his potential customers.

[Ken_Caudill]

Yup, let's re-write the WSJ sales letter for the millionth time.

There's still a few rubes out there who haven't read it.

[RickDuris]

Yeah, Martin Conroy probably thought the similar.

Same with legendary advertising man, Bruce Barton.

Lawrence Bernstein thinks it’s likely the “story of two young men” was originally etched on a Sumerian cuneiform tablet.

I agree.

Here's Lawrence's take: A Tale Of Two Copywriters

I deliberately chose this model for Nick because it was a story, ONE WHICH EVERYBODY HAS HEARD IN ONE WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM. One that easily lent itself to animation. (Dan Akroyd and Eddie Murphy in Trading Places, comes to mind.)

- Rick Duris

PS: With your guys' logic, the AIDA model is destined for the history books, in favor of new, more "creative" ways of advertising.

[The Copy Nazi]

"He was so proud of the final result, he'd secretly watch the video over and over again (whilst playing with) himself"

[RickDuris]

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

"He was so proud of the final result, he'd secretly watch the video over and over again (whilst playing with) himself"

Now that's funny! It works even better with the animation!

[nickhumph]

Thanks for ranting and raving on in this thread - In some ways it makes for a better copy

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by RickDuris

Thank you, Jesus! Praise the Lord!

Somebody else HAS THE BALLS to really help this man! Instead of throwing spitballs at someone else's efforts.

Commendable effort, Brian.

- Rick Duris

PS: Mal, on this one, YOU just don't get it. And I ain't got the time to 'splain it to you now.

How ironic. I just re-read an old post of yours where you say -

I realize, at times, my personal delivery can be curt, terse, abrupt, blunt and direct. While I always have the time to be concise, I sometimes may not have the time to sugarcoat or wrap my words in flowery language, making the bitter pill of reality easier to swallow.

In fact, my business card says exactly that. It says "Rick Duris is blunt, straightforward and may not tell you what you want to hear.

I note you also claim to make more money (copywriting) than the late great Gary Halbert. Uh huh.