Please Critique These Headlines...

[PsychoProfits]

Hi Warriors, these 3 headlines are for a sales copy writing course. Please tell me which of these is the best...

“Discover the
$ecret Million Dollar Formula
for Writing Sales Letters like a Pro!”

Or

“How Everyday People
Achieve Financial Freedom
Using Fun, Stress-Free, Creative Skills”

Or

“Discover My Sneaky Yet Ethical
Psychological Tactics for Writing Copy
that’ll Make Your Prospects Hungry
to Get Their Hands on Your Product”

Any feedback would be appreciated

[Derek Pankaew]

I like them overall. I like the one in the middle best, but it doesn't talk about copy or your product at all. I like the "feel" of it though - Feels very free and fun.

Both #1 and #3 are a little over done. If I were in the market for a copywriting product (is that what you're selling?) my first reaction would be: "Yeah, whatever, same promises as every other copy product on the planet."

If you could incorporate a bit of proof element in the headline, I think that would rock. E.g.

“Discover My Sneaky Yet Ethical
Psychological Tactics for Writing Copy
that’ll That Got Me a Whopping 11.2% Conversion Rate
On My Very First Try!

My 2 cents ...

[The Copy Nazi]

Who are you targeting? What works for one sector won't work for another. BTW I don't think much of any of them. Have a look at what Jason posted here and compare them to yours - I just got theseads from Bottom Line Books

You could spin one of them. Like -

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a Six Figure Copywriter. Guess who's laughing now?

Or opt-in to Vin Montello's list and get his "Head Libs" - that should do the trick.

[Andy Button]

First one: Doesn't really convey a benefit clearly enough. "Million dollar formula" sort of implies a benefit, but it's not clear enough. Maybe change it to something like "...secret sales letter formula that'll have you pulling profits like the pros in no time."

Second one: This one is the best, however, I have some qualms with the particular words you have chosen. I would change "how everyday people achieve" to "how YOU can achieve." It sounds more personable that way.

Third one: I also kind of like this one, except I don't really like the specific words "sneaky yet ethical." It's not the content that I dislike, it's just that using too many adjectives is kind of a weaksauce way to be descriptive. I would use something a little more imaginative and contemporary, like "discover my undercover, ninja-style psychological tactics..."

On the whole though, I think these are pretty good headlines. I don't imagine you will have trouble hooking peoples' attention with them. Good use of red to emphasize key words and phrases, and pretty decent use of benefits. The only one that I think is really lacking is the first one.

[TopKat22]

I like number 3 best, however I like the "everyday people" of number 2 so if you added it to number 3, it would be my favorite....


“Every Day People, Like You,
Are Discovering My Sneaky Yet Ethical
Psychological Tactics for Writing Copy
that’ll Make Your Prospects Hungry
to Get Their Hands on Your Product”

[PsychoProfits]

Many Thanks guys, lots to think about

[Steve The Copywriter]

Hi Richard,

There’s nothing badly wrong with any of your headlines.

They’ve all been used in similar ways lots of times.

They could still work.

But the problem with your first 2 headlines is a huge part of your audience believe that others can achieve great wealth and fame.

They just don’t believe they can.

So when you’re advertising a “get rich beyond your wildest dreams” type promo.

You could use a Carlton template for the headline –

We help (this group of people)…
do (this benefit)…
(better, cheaper, faster… easier)…
… even if (worst case believable scenario)

The worst case scenario could be – Even if you flunked english. Even if you’ve never written a word. Even if you’ve only ever written quick messages on birthday cards etc etc.

Now the "non believers" think they could achieve the results.


On your 3rd headline - I wouldn't use the word "psychological" because most people don't really know what it means. And it's a bit too vague.

I would play around with "action phrases" something like "mind changing", "buying motivators" "spending triggers" "want to buy now tactics" "must have it now" etc. and find the best one.


If none of this feel good to you then do as Mal said and get Vins “Head Libs” - get it anyway, it really is excellent.

You’ll have stacks of proven templates – just choose the one you feel your target audience will resonate with.

Steve

[Grain]

"What If You Could Turn Your Dead Copy From Icy-Cold to BOILING-HOT And Shred Controls Like Paper At Will... Like A *HARD-HITTING* Professional Copywriter?"

------------

Just A Drop Of Your Copywriting Skills Would...

"Throw Your Client Into Reckless, Vulgar & Wide-Eyed Shock As They Watch Their Conversions Surge Off The Meters... But Only If You Grab This Opportunity To Learn From A Professional Copywriter."

Just amateurish headline constructions. Don't
take it seriously. Sounds a little hypey.

You could hit the nerve on wanting to make
a whole lot of money while making our clients
rich as well though...

Some of the good copywriters above
gave really good suggestions.

-Grain.

[ThomasOMalley]

Your headlines are too general or vague...used too much in selling this type of product.

Remember Eugene Schwartz's different levels of market awareness and apply this info. to your headlines.

Best of luck,

Thomas O'Malley

[dogstar]

How bout hitting the benefit directly but keeping the headline really simple like

"These Words Can Make You Rich!"

that would get my interest

[Studio13]

Helps to know who your target market is — are these copywriters are general business opportunity seekers? If your targeting copywriters, or people in the industry you might want to use some buzz-words, ie: control piece, house list, backend, upsell etc. Those headlines you have there are generic — albeit quite good in my opinion if directed at a broad "layman" demographic.

[PsychoProfits]

Originally Posted by Steve Copywriter

On your 3rd headline - I wouldn't use the word "psychological" because most people don't really know what it means. And it's a bit too vague.

I would play around with "action phrases" something like "mind changing", "buying motivators" "spending triggers" "want to buy now tactics" "must have it now" etc. and find the best one.

Hi Steve, is this any better?

“Discover My Sneaky Yet Ethical
Mind-Control Tactics
for Writing Copy That’ll
Put Your Readers in a Buying Trance”

Thanks
Richard

[max5ty]

Originally Posted by Steve Copywriter

On your 3rd headline - I wouldn't use the word "psychological" because most people don't really know what it means. And it's a bit too vague.

Steve

Wow...hadn't seen your comment when I posted on the OP's other thread asking for a headline critique...guess great minds think alike