Please Critique My Sales Letter

[avajo71]

Hi..., i currently learning about sales letter and need your comment about the sales letter I write below:

Title: Make Money Online Live Coaching Service From Me! Only 1 Member per Period

• Are you struggling to make money online but don't know the effective method you must to do?
  
• Are you tired, bored and desperated with never ending trial and error of your effort on making money online?
• You have spending thousands of dollars and half of your life but get nothing from it, either loss of your money and your valuable times and become very angry?

Now, you find the loophole of your problem tighten your breath so long!

Hi..,

I am an experience internet money maker and going to offering you a help to make money online.



If you're an absolute newbie and want to know how to make money with your internet connection, then I will become your coach and show you

The Effective Method To Make Money From Internet

I will live coach you to reach intermediate level of money online maker. I will guide you till you really get money from internet, even you have no money to start.

You may choose one of the below make money online method and I will coach you to do it till you get money from it:

- CPA Marketing
- Micro job money making method
- Make Money Selling Ebook

Requirement:

I know, everyone really want to get money, but not everyone have the below power I require:

- Have a good spirit to learn anything (knowledge addicted).
- Not a lazy people. The registrant must be have a spirit to do hard work.
- Patient.
- Honest.
- Obey all of my rule and instruction.
- And absolutely, A NEWBIE.

If you're not the people as I mention above, then you doesn't need me.

I accept only 1 member per period to make this live coaching program run effectively.

1 Period Mean -> The Student Was Really Make Money From My Coach.


Q&A:

- How much money I will get if I become your live coach student?
That's depend on how much your effort you want to put in my method. The smartest make money online method in the world will never give you a penny till you give it an action.

- Is your live coaching program GUARANTEED?
Surely! I have mention it above if I will live coach you till you really make money (if you meet all of my requirements).

- How About The Price For Your Service?
I give you my times and efforts to make you to really make money from internet and reach the higher level compared with all of the peoples around you, but I just want to help talented peoples to become an expert, So my charge is:

$50


Only!

- Is that a cheap price?
Very very very cheap price for a success guaranteed live coaching service and buy my valuable times! You will deal with my statement if you see another live coaching service like webinar you can find on Google. It cost more than $100 or even $1000 for the total training and they are not success guaranteed.

- Why I charge You?
Because I want to know how strong your willing to become an expert on make money online.

- Why don't you charge more and or make a webinar that will earn you huge amount of money online?
Because I am happy to help talented people become an expert. That's will never being bought with any amount of money, even it is $999.999.999.999 or any amount of money you can imagine.

PM Me With Your Actual Profile If You're Interested. I will choose 1 people who deserve to follow my coach.

Best Regards,

My Name

[Andrew Gould]

Hi,

Your written English is poor, at the least you'll need to hire someone to proofread and translate it into native English. Ideally you should just hire someone to write the copy for you.

With that out the way, the biggest issue with this is why you? Why should I pay you to coach me? What qualifies you to offer this? (And then prove it)

[NickN]

Your English needs A LOT of work. A simple forum critique isn't going to help here.

I would suggest hiring a copywriter.

[robchapman]

Like the others have stated, the english of your copy is very jaded and does not flow well at all.

Aside from that, you need to provide the buyer with some sort of proof that you are the guy to turn to in order to learn how to make money online. Testimonials would work well.

You also need to describe exactly what the buyer would receive in your course (bullet points would be a good way to format that.)

You need a better title that catches the interest of the reader and keeps them reading your sales page. The one you currently have is too vague.

You may want to consider taking one of those bullet points right below your title and turning it into a pre heading (which is a one or two sentence lead in to your main title).

You need to revamp your FAQ section. The three questions you have there are all related to the price of the product. There isn't a need to ask why you are charging, i don't think that will be a question your readers will have. The bigger question you want to answer is what qualiifies you as an expert in this field.

Those are a few suggestions to think about when you revise your sales letter.

Hope this helps.

[avajo71]

Hi..., thank you for your critiques and suggestions.

Is my sales letter make you feel bad when you are read it?

[opt in]

First, I would focus on your header (first thing a reader will read and will convince him to read the rest of your sales page). That header should stand out not only with colors but with bigger fonts.

Than I would suggest to focus on the solution that your product will provide in your header and tell the reader some factual numbers like: I made $1323.21 in 2 days. That will impact the reader and he will read your sales page.

Hope this help,

David

[avajo71]

Thank you for your header suggestion.. that's help me.

I get the key..

"convincing"

[Carl Juneau]

Hey, I liked your copy!

Yes, your English needs a little polishing, but you're doing many things right.

What I'd recommend is to use black text over white background throughout.

Except for the headline, which needs to be dark red.

That color combo has proven in many tests to outpull any other.

If you use too many colors, you look amateur.

Good luck!

Carl

[Mark Earle]

Hi,
I agree with the points above.

Stick to black text on white background.

Headline red / dark red.

Occasional use of Dark red for a sub-head half way down page to draw eyes toward, eg. Here's What You Get...

If you have coached anyone before, perhaps use their before and after story or success achievement in a short timeframe as a headline hook.

Adding a guarantee to reverse the risk always helps.

Explain why the price is so low, eg. looking for testimonials, testing the market, etc.

Good luck,

Mark

[avajo71]

Originally Posted by Carl Juneau

Hey, I liked your copy!

Yes, your English needs a little polishing, but you're doing many things right.

What I'd recommend is to use black text over white background throughout.

Except for the headline, which needs to be dark red.

That color combo has proven in many tests to outpull any other.

If you use too many colors, you look amateur.

Good luck!

Carl

Hi,
I agree with the points above.

Stick to black text on white background.

Headline red / dark red.

Occasional use of Dark red for a sub-head half way down page to draw eyes toward, eg. Here's What You Get...

If you have coached anyone before, perhaps use their before and after story or success achievement in a short timeframe as a headline hook.

Adding a guarantee to reverse the risk always helps.

Explain why the price is so low, eg. looking for testimonials, testing the market, etc.

Good luck,

Mark

Thank you very much for your good news and suggestions also for the critiques..

It seem I have a chance to become a copywriting expert..

by the way, any suggestion where to make my English perfect?

once again, thank you very much..

[max5ty]

Guess my thoughts and suggestions on this are...other than what has already been stated...

I don't understand the principle of only taking one client at a time. It's hard for me to comprehend the money generating factor behind this.

I don't know how long it takes to mentor 1 client...but it seems like it would crimp your ability to make some serious money.

My suggestion is that you put your knowledge in an ebook and sell it.

You could then also offer on-line coaching via videos, etc.

[MartinK8]

Would you buy it if you read it? Well I wouldn't. Redo at least half of it, obviously the english is not clear and definitely start with the headline, thats the most important part.
I think you are going to waste a lot of time doing this, just outsource it and done.

[avajo71]

Guess my thoughts and suggestions on this are...other than what has already been stated...

I don't understand the principle of only taking one client at a time. It's hard for me to comprehend the money generating factor behind this.

I don't know how long it takes to mentor 1 client...but it seems like it would crimp your ability to make some serious money.

My suggestion is that you put your knowledge in an ebook and sell it.

You could then also offer on-line coaching via videos, etc.

Would you buy it if you read it? Well I wouldn't. Redo at least half of it, obviously the english is not clear and definitely start with the headline, thats the most important part.
I think you are going to waste a lot of time doing this, just outsource it and done.

It seem my journey to become a good copywriter is still too long, or may be never..

I just want to learn how to become a good copywriter..

But

Thank you very much for your critiques. That's give me useful informations to decide what business I am good at or what should I do to make my copywriting skill going perfect..

[angiecolee]

Avajo,

I'm sure any of the forum members who are bilingual or multilingual can affirm this point: the only way to make your English perfect is to keep speaking it. The fastest way to perfect language skills (that I know) is complete immersion.

Trust me, there is no easy road to being an expert copywriter, so don't get ahead of yourself. You have to churn out a lot of crap in order to recognize what works and what doesn't. Keep writing, and keep speaking English, and your efforts will be rewarded.

[avajo71]

Originally Posted by angiecolee

Avajo,

I'm sure any of the forum members who are bilingual or multilingual can affirm this point: the only way to make your English perfect is to keep speaking it. The fastest way to perfect language skills (that I know) is complete immersion.

Trust me, there is no easy road to being an expert copywriter, so don't get ahead of yourself. You have to churn out a lot of crap in order to recognize what works and what doesn't. Keep writing, and keep speaking English, and your efforts will be rewarded.

Thank you for your support and suggestion.. you're a kindgirl.

[avajo71]

Avajo,

I'm sure any of the forum members who are bilingual or multilingual can affirm this point: the only way to make your English perfect is to keep speaking it. The fastest way to perfect language skills (that I know) is complete immersion.

Trust me, there is no easy road to being an expert copywriter, so don't get ahead of yourself. You have to churn out a lot of crap in order to recognize what works and what doesn't. Keep writing, and keep speaking English, and your efforts will be rewarded.

Hi...

Thank you for your support and suggestions... You're a kindwoman..