Critique CHALLENGE - Website Intro Text Animation

[movingpixel]

Hi,
BACKGROUND:

I've started a new business that produces online video for clients. The video(s) are likely to be used for the following purposes:
promotional
social media
advertisement
instructional
product information
entertainment

I'm a visual creative and I'm afraid my wordsmithing skills are very much lacking and obviously(once you read my copy) lack the subtleties of great copy writing. I'll be animating the COPY text(see below) into a movie that will sit on my home page for the audience to engage in.

CONSIDERATIONS:
The words from the copy will be moving, spinning, re-scaling with illustration - to convey,support and highlight ideas expressed in the copy - so this will need to be considered. [i hope that makes sense]

As I understand it - the copy that is embedded into the movie will also play a part in SEO.

The animation is approximately 30 seconds long as it stands - happy for this duration to be increased - open to your suggestions here

I want the animation to be snappy and dynamic with text being animated on and off the screen.
The name of my company is Showboat - defined as as a 'showoff' if you like.
I'd like the tone of the copy to be fun, slick and sophisticated - presently it has a 'revolution' type tone to it - at least that's what i was attempting.

THE DECISION:
While the simple answer would be to employ a copy writer - I have limited funds to get this off the ground - so will be attempting this by myself with hopefully a little help from you by way of your critiquing. I am open to suggestions on how to improve this. Thanking you in advance

[[[[[THE COPY]]]]]]

Entertain
Inform
Promote

Online video powerfully broadcasts
your brand in a way that engages with
your target audience.

Check it out…

Three and a half million New Zealanders access the net and more than three quarters watch video online
Globally 2 billion people are online [70% of them watch video online]
That’s expected to quadruple by 2015.

The stats are impressive
It’s time to join the online video revolution and showboat will take you there
We use our international experience to produce a slick and sophisticated product

Showboat will help you achieve your online marketing strategy

Dismiss the tall poppy syndrome
It’s your time to stand up and stand out

It’s time to showboat

[[[[[[COPY ENDS]]]]]]]

Happy to field any question which I'm sure there are many...

Kind Regards
Nate

[angiecolee]

I'm rather new here myself, but I don't typically jump into a forum and ask for a favor without getting to know the place first.

[NickN]

Three and a half million New Zealanders access the net and more than three quarters watch video online
Globally 2 billion people are online [70% of them watch video online]
That’s expected to quadruple by 2015.

That's the opposite of fun and slick copy. More like yawn-inducing.

Hit on some of your prospects' emotions. You can't bore people into buying your product.

If you need help with copywriting, there's an awesome list of copywriting books stickied to the top of this forum.