Attention Ass Kicking Copywriters: Critique Required (Please!)

[Philip John]

Hey everyone!

I've been studying copywriting for a little while, and have thrown myself right into the deep end of the pool to write the copy for my new product, Business Lemonade.

I honestly believe that it is a great product and will be very beneficial to many... (who doesn’t!). I just hope that this shows through when reading my copy…

Please give me you honest opinion of my sales page copy… Be as brutal or as nice as you have to be. I welcome any constructive criticism, advice, layout recommendations, comments and suggestions you might have…

Also, please note that I am in the process of rounding up my testimonials for this product, and will be adding them to the sales page shortly – but I’d like your input as to where best to locate them.

I’m a little impoverished right now (I’ve just moved house and have had a whole HEAP of dramas). Ideally I would have loved to go the whole video testimonial, header graphics and so on… but once launched I will probably re-visit this and undergo a split test to compare results…

Here’s a brief run-down.

Market: Online Business Owners
Age: 18-45
Sex: Male and/or Female
Income: 10,000 - 80,000
Countries: US, Canada, EU, Australia

Description of prospect: Generally people who are thinking of or are already running an online business but haven't experienced a huge amount of success with it so far. In particular I want to target those people who have been running their Business for sometime and are looking for ways to supercharge and become more efficient within their business. Proactive people.

Product being sold: An eBook – essentially a rolodex – which focuses on ways for Online Business to Reduce their running Costs. Plus relevant bonuses.

Thanks in advance for any and all suggestions!

All right here it is, go check it out and pick it apart:

www.businesslemonade.com

[Justin Mandel]

You have way too many fonts, font sizes, and colors going on which distracts from the readability of the page.

It seems like you are "overreaching" with your headline. It's just too much and I have no idea what whatever that word it your using at the end of it - which can work for you or against you.

Best of luck!

[Loren Woirhaye]

The headline suffers from elephantitis - it's too long,
IMO and will stop readers from bothering to read the
letter.

It's what I call a "kitchen sink" headline. A lot
of internet marketers are using them in a desperate
attempt to gasp out the whole selling message
in one breath.

A headline should get attention. The comprehension
of the benefits come later, in the body copy and
the close.

Furthermore yours is loaded with buzzwords
and empty puffery - like you have nothing much to
say but need a lot of words to say it with.

[procopywriter]

You're waaay off base with your approach. I didn't read the whole sales letter, but it looks you're essentially offering a list of free tools and resources on the web.

That has value in and of itself. There is no need to be clever with the whole "lemonade" idea. You need to re-name your product using a more straightforward approach, and get rid of that metaphor. It's okay if you want to use it in a line in your copy, but don't base your whole approach on an over-stretched metaphor.

Also, the mention of "TANSTAAFLEOTI" in the headline has the opposite effect you intend. I know you're trying to build curiosity with it, but there is a difference between confusion and curiosity.

Curiosity is evoked when you do one of three things: promise a great story, leave out a key fact necessary to complete the thought, or combine two mutually exclusive elements. It doesn't happen with a made-up word or acronym. All you cause is confusion.

Without digging too much into the product, I might would suggest going for a more straightforward approach. The key benefits of your product seem to be saving a lot of money, and saving a lot of time. If your target is less successful, the former might be the stronger benefit. If it's a more successful audience, the latter is a much stronger benefit. The strongest benefit should be the key point you keep hitting on throughout the letter.

Good luck.

[Philip John]

Justin: Point taken about the headline - thanks

Loren: You mention that I use too many "buzzwords" - by this I take it you think the letter has a bit too much hyperbole? - I'm revisting that headline...!

Joshua: Thanks for your input - especially regarding time being a much stronger benefit for a more successful audience - that’s gold. You are spot on about what the product is ...I was attempting to stay away from the word "free" within my product title as it tends to invoke or encourage the type of customer I’d rather not have... (more refunds, lower price point etc). But all very valuable tips - thanks again.

[quiescen]

Hi Phil,

Couldn't get past the headline. No one is going to read through your headline as it is.

Back to the drawing board.

[John Rowe]

Originally Posted by quiescen

Couldn't get past the headline. No one is going to read through your headline as it is.

Maybe chop 40 or so words out of your headline, and swipe something along these lines...
"Free Tools That Bring You Riches."

[JesseM]

I didn't read it all (because it IS 2 am haha), but I found a mistake:

"...amazing bonuses for just $197- $97- $97right now"

Marked down from $197...to $97...to $97?

Sorry if it was pointed out but wanted to post before I forgot and didn't feel like more than skimming the ^ posts. Will comment more tomorrow : )

[yollyp]

There you go, the much awaited and well said constructive criticisms - I wonder if you can't still get the whole idea of making it a HIT. Good luck with your "rewriting" job LOL. Just kidding - to make you start the changing...immediately.

[FitJerk]

Holy Cow!

And by that... I'm referring to your headline. Look, long headlines CAN be effective as long as they have the benefits outlined clearly. The only thing I'm getting from your headline is something about amazing lemonade.

If that's what I wanted... I'd buy Minute Maid. (P.s- It's well good sh*t!)

Ok back to point. If your head line sucks... nothing else matters so let's keep the focus on that. Here are some things I'd suggest...

1. "Tap into the most powerful free tools" - Uh.. If it's free then why do you have a price tag mentioned? Get rid of that "FREE" word. I don't care what your justification is... you gota realize that psychologically... when I see that... I'm expecting to put in my name and email for free ****. So where is it? Oh you want $97? Bye!

2. "Transforms your hideous, unprofitable balance sheet into a dazzling success - using the secrets of TANSTAAFLEOT" ---- Uhh.. what the sh*t? First of all I'm not sure WHAT that word is, but NEVER use "jargon" words in your head line. And insead of hideous... how bout:

"Transforms your pathetic, unprofitable & embarassing balance sheet into a dazzling piece of paper that has more numbers on it than my grade 10 math cheat sheet" (true story)

Or something to that effect... See? Less confusing AND more effective. Bam!

3. Your whole copy... ugh. You have zero consistancy... my eyeballs want to retreat to the back of my forehead because they are so utterly confused. I don't know where to look. All of bolding and hilighting...

Keep it simple. One font, one size for headlines, and one size for the paragraphs, The ONLY place you can be a bit "different" is when you are stating your offer, because that way It'll STAND OUT. I'm not trying to say my copy is the best... but take a look at this to see how the reading material is consistant:

men's fitness book for getting ripped--Flawless Fitness System

4. OPTIONAL... Your product name... as mentioned before. When I heard Business Lemonade, the LAST thing I figured was that it was a marketing or business helping product. You need to rename that sh*t STAT!

Your name should GIVE AWAY what your product does. Again... not tooting my own horn but think about my product for a second, -> Flawless Fitness Book

Is there even a QUESTION in your mind as to what the hell that is? Nope, It's pretty obvious isn't it?

Those 4 should keep you busy for now... go back and polish that up.

Here's to your success.

- FJ

[mr.steve]

It's not a bad attempt at copy. And it's an interesting idea.

But you don't seem to have a USP [AKA a big idea]

That means you won't stand out from the crowd.

S

[scorpions84]

I'm lazy to read your headline...then the rest...hehehe...
Not bad to have a long copy...

[Philip John]

Hey Guys - thanks for all your advice..!

I thought my copy wasn’t THAT bad….

BUT after reading your comments and rereading it from top to bottom it has become obvious that it lacks focus and direction …

I was too close to it – so thanks for helping me take a step back and see the full picture.

Back to the drawing board… I will be back!

-Phil

[rubberleg]

I agree that the headline is too wordy. And a picture of lemondae or lemons or something above the fold would add to the impact. It's a great url, when I clicked on it I thought, "where's the lemonade"