Which is most effective?

YourZulu · 02-22-2012, 02:45 AM

Hey everybody! First post here, just started lurking two days ago.

I was looking to get your thoughts on story telling in copy.

What view point is most engaging to the reader; 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person?

Examples:

4:16 am- Mary awoke. Startled and in a cold sweat...

4:16 am- I awoke. Startled and in a cold sweat...

4:16 am- You wake up. Startled and in a cold sweat...

Obviously they are pretty close in effect, but is there one that is more engaging? Is it situational?

Any input would be appreciated!
-YZ

Simon Ashari · 02-22-2012, 05:29 AM

You may need to be more specific about the situation you are planning on using this particular story.

I would personally recommend first person. Here's why.

Second person can be construed as putting words in the readers mouth (or telling him/her how they should feel). They also know that the story isn't real.

Third person might work but the reader is denied a personal connection with the person who is writing the copy.

I guess you could test. Just my 2 cents.

-Simon

p.s. here is a good piece of copy that uses 2nd person. It is from David Deangelo's (Eben Pagen's) double your dating series. A series that has made him millions.

Double Your Dating | On Being A Man

The story starts a few paragraphs down. It is in second person (maybe I am wrong).

YourZulu · 02-22-2012, 06:21 AM

Well, I don't have a specific use for this information. I was just generalising the idea because I was curious after reading a few stories in copy.

On that, I didn't really think about the reality of the story for the reader. I was tunnel visioned on, "it could connect on a deeper level... Or something"

Cheers!

Hugh Thyer · 02-22-2012, 08:19 AM

First person because it's a real story, not a re-told or imaginary story.

Pusateri · 02-22-2012, 08:49 AM

Second person, present tense is the most powerful in the hands of a skilled writer. It forms the strongest mental images, but if it's over done the reader will feel manipulated and decide not to play.

First person and third person are about equal for skilled writers.

Average writers should stick with first person.

Mark Andrews · 02-22-2012, 09:21 AM

I agree, 2nd person.

For storytelling advice in sales copy, if you need it, contact Vin Montello - Montello Marketing.

He's the bees knees in this department.

View Profile: MontelloMarketing

All the best,

Mark Andrews

Austin357 · 02-22-2012, 09:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

I agree, 2nd person.

I agree with you on this Mark. It has always given me the most impact for my copy.

maximus242 · 02-22-2012, 09:28 AM

The real question is: What story do you have to tell? Rather then how are you going to tell it.

NickN · 02-22-2012, 09:34 AM

Depends on the context. No matter what grammatical person you're using, though, you need to make your story relate to the reader.

A good example of third-person in an ad is Martin Conroy's "Two Young Men" advertisement for the Wall Street Journal.

Here's a link to a site with the copy of this ad. It starts a little ways down the page. (Couldn't find the actual ad. Oh, and I have no affiliation with this site.)

RickDuris · 02-22-2012, 09:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YourZulu

Hey everybody! First post here, just started lurking two days ago.

I was looking to get your thoughts on story telling in copy.

What view point is most engaging to the reader; 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person?

Examples:

4:16 am- Mary awoke. Startled and in a cold sweat...

4:16 am- I awoke. Startled and in a cold sweat...

4:16 am- You wake up. Startled and in a cold sweat...

Obviously they are pretty close in effect, but is there one that is more engaging? Is it situational?

Any input would be appreciated!
-YZ

You can amplify all of them by writing:

"4:16 AM - Startled, in a cold sweat, Mary awoke."

Put the emotion triggering words first. Followed by the reason why or logic inducing words.

Doing so creates a tension-release process in the sentence. One is not told why or who was startled in a cold sweat until after the emotion triggering words.

It's a small point, but extremely powerful. It's more dramatic.

Because the brain is forced to process/internalize the emotions without knowing the context or the person being startled.

- Rick Duris

Mark Andrews · 02-22-2012, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RickDuris

"4:16 AM - Startled, in a cold sweat, Mary awoke."

Would you mind writing the next line or two please Rick?

Only you do excel in this area. And coming from you, it would be really interesting to see how you personally unfold this story to the rapt attention of your audience.

Who just happens to be in this case, me. And a few others no doubt.

Do you mind? Please.

Plus an explanation of why you included the following couple of sentences and how this is playing on the emotions.

Thanks,

Mark Andrews

RickDuris · 02-22-2012, 05:53 PM

Sure, Mark. No problem.

----

Startled, in a cold sweat, Mary awoke, not knowing why. [Set up. Lots of unanswered questions.]

Suddenly, laying in her bed, staring up at the ceiling... IT came to her. ["Suddenly" is a trance word and must be internalized. More description. Suspense. What is "IT?"]

"Damn it!" she mumbled to herself. [Climax coming, but doesn't resolve quite yet.]

She had left off a period on one of the sentences in her last blog post. [Fact. Boring, but now there's a release. Situation resolved. But now the question is this: Why is Mary so anal retentive about her blogging?]

----

In the Gary Halbert school of copywriting, you learn to write "like a greased chute."

In screenwriting, they teach you to create a roller coaster ride.

- Rick Duris

angiecolee · 02-22-2012, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simon Ashari

p.s. here is a good piece of copy that uses 2nd person. It is from David Deangelo's (Eben Pagen's) double your dating series. A series that has made him millions.

Double Your Dating | On Being A Man

The story starts a few paragraphs down. It is in second person (maybe I am wrong).

I'm a notorious skimmer - after all, I read a LOT on a daily basis. I looked at this guy's page and read every single word. And then I wanted to find out what on earth his definition of being a man was. Definitely well written, and thanks for sharing.

vlazidis · 02-23-2012, 08:48 AM

The sentence in the first person narrative. It immediately drew me into wanting to read more.

ProfJannes · 02-23-2012, 01:46 PM

4:16 am- Mary awoke. Startled and in a cold sweat...

I can associate with it much easier and I immediately want to know more about Mary, is she attractive/married/happy/sad etc.

~ Jannes

Ken_Caudill · 02-23-2012, 02:01 PM

It was a dark and stormy night. A shot rang out.

02-22-2012, 02:45 AM	#1
YourZulu Warrior Member Join Date: Feb 2012 Posts: 17 Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 2 Posts	Which is most effective? Hey everybody! First post here, just started lurking two days ago. I was looking to get your thoughts on story telling in copy. What view point is most engaging to the reader; 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person? Examples: 4:16 am- Mary awoke. Startled and in a cold sweat... 4:16 am- I awoke. Startled and in a cold sweat... 4:16 am- You wake up. Startled and in a cold sweat... Obviously they are pretty close in effect, but is there one that is more engaging? Is it situational? Any input would be appreciated! -YZ

02-22-2012, 05:29 AM	#2
Simon Ashari SimonAshari.com War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 368 Thanks: 58 Thanked 68 Times in 46 Posts Social Networking	Re: Which is most effective? You may need to be more specific about the situation you are planning on using this particular story. I would personally recommend first person. Here's why. Second person can be construed as putting words in the readers mouth (or telling him/her how they should feel). They also know that the story isn't real. Third person might work but the reader is denied a personal connection with the person who is writing the copy. I guess you could test. Just my 2 cents. -Simon p.s. here is a good piece of copy that uses 2nd person. It is from David Deangelo's (Eben Pagen's) double your dating series. A series that has made him millions. Double Your Dating \| On Being A Man The story starts a few paragraphs down. It is in second person (maybe I am wrong).
	Come visit my blog

02-22-2012, 06:21 AM	#3
YourZulu Warrior Member Join Date: Feb 2012 Posts: 17 Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 2 Posts	Re: Which is most effective? Well, I don't have a specific use for this information. I was just generalising the idea because I was curious after reading a few stories in copy. On that, I didn't really think about the reality of the story for the reader. I was tunnel visioned on, "it could connect on a deeper level... Or something" Cheers!

02-22-2012, 08:19 AM	#4
Hugh Thyer HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 341 Thanks: 84 Thanked 147 Times in 88 Posts	Re: Which is most effective? First person because it's a real story, not a re-told or imaginary story.
	Direct Response Copywriter For Hire Ever wondered how copywriters work with their clients? I've answered that very question in detail-> www.salescomefirst.com

02-22-2012, 08:49 AM	#5
Pusateri Words Rule the World War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: South Texas Coast Posts: 342 Thanks: 314 Thanked 282 Times in 141 Posts	Re: Which is most effective? Second person, present tense is the most powerful in the hands of a skilled writer. It forms the strongest mental images, but if it's over done the reader will feel manipulated and decide not to play. First person and third person are about equal for skilled writers. Average writers should stick with first person.

02-22-2012, 09:21 AM	#6
Mark Andrews SmokingHotCopy@gmail.com War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: In Somebody Else's Shoes Posts: 1,685 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 1,587 Thanked 1,333 Times in 722 Posts Contact Info	Re: Which is most effective? I agree, 2nd person. For storytelling advice in sales copy, if you need it, contact Vin Montello - Montello Marketing. He's the bees knees in this department. View Profile: MontelloMarketing All the best, Mark Andrews
	"He struck the match. Fire flickered. The fuse lit and an explosion of emotional trigger words emanated like lightning through his fingertips..."

02-22-2012, 09:28 AM	#8
maximus242 HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: , , . Posts: 447 Thanks: 23 Thanked 155 Times in 101 Posts	Re: Which is most effective? The real question is: What story do you have to tell? Rather then how are you going to tell it.

02-22-2012, 09:34 AM	#9
NickN Copywriter/Marketer/Lover War Room Member Join Date: May 2011 Location: Grand Blanc, Michigan Posts: 115 Thanks: 90 Thanked 47 Times in 39 Posts Social Networking	Re: Which is most effective? Depends on the context. No matter what grammatical person you're using, though, you need to make your story relate to the reader. A good example of third-person in an ad is Martin Conroy's "Two Young Men" advertisement for the Wall Street Journal. Here's a link to a site with the copy of this ad. It starts a little ways down the page. (Couldn't find the actual ad. Oh, and I have no affiliation with this site.)
	Powerful, Cash-Absorbing Copy http://nicknordstrom.com

02-22-2012, 05:53 PM	#12
RickDuris Rick Duris CopyRanger.com War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Laguna Beach, CA Posts: 1,182 Thanks: 513 Thanked 1,437 Times in 519 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Which is most effective? Sure, Mark. No problem. ---- Startled, in a cold sweat, Mary awoke, not knowing why. [Set up. Lots of unanswered questions.] Suddenly, laying in her bed, staring up at the ceiling... IT came to her. ["Suddenly" is a trance word and must be internalized. More description. Suspense. What is "IT?"] "Damn it!" she mumbled to herself. [Climax coming, but doesn't resolve quite yet.] She had left off a period on one of the sentences in her last blog post. [Fact. Boring, but now there's a release. Situation resolved. But now the question is this: Why is Mary so anal retentive about her blogging?] ---- In the Gary Halbert school of copywriting, you learn to write "like a greased chute." In screenwriting, they teach you to create a roller coaster ride. - Rick Duris
	http://www.copyranger.com

02-23-2012, 08:48 AM	#14
vlazidis Warrior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: San Antonio, TX Posts: 8 Thanks: 20 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Which is most effective? The sentence in the first person narrative. It immediately drew me into wanting to read more.

02-23-2012, 01:46 PM	#15
ProfJannes Active Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Cape Town; South Africa Posts: 84 Thanks: 15 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts Social Networking	Re: Which is most effective? 4:16 am- Mary awoke. Startled and in a cold sweat... I can associate with it much easier and I immediately want to know more about Mary, is she attractive/married/happy/sad etc. ~ Jannes
	"The tips and tricks that had me building lead sucking squeeze pages in a matter of minutes"

02-23-2012, 02:01 PM	#16
Ken_Caudill Here for the Beer War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Chicago burbs Posts: 2,053 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 800 Thanked 1,280 Times in 795 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Which is most effective? It was a dark and stormy night. A shot rang out.
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